How do they know the EXACT wrong thing to say at the EXACT wrong time?

[Guest guest]

This is going to be a long venting post...I'll warn you in advance but

somehow, again, I have found myself at my wits end. Yesterday started off

just the worst ever. We all have those days...when you wake up wrong or

late or rushed and the entire day ends up shot. Just one of those days that

while you are pouring your morning cup of coffee of tea you kind of think to

yourself....I really should be pouring myself one gigantic margarita right

now.

Let me start off by acknowledging that I have begun to allow myself

(finally) to be proud of the accomplishments I have made in life. I have

begun to set boundaries which have been extremely successful and I have even

found ways of going LC with the crazy mess that society has deemed as my

parents and I really think I am on the brink of possibly finding a way of

going NC on a permanent basis.

Yesterday was just particularly hard for me for some reason...I was being

extremely emotional and irritable and have been working on yet another

anti-anxiety medication. I woke up to screaming...it was my nada, fada and

extremely drunk brother and they were at the bottom of my stairs screaming.

Why didn't I just pick up the phone and dial 911? I dunno...in hindsight I

wish I had. It was 4am and I was startled and just didn't think...I went

into peacemaker roll without a second thought. (Damn! Back to the drawing

board...I had avoided being hoovered for almost an entire year too!) Too

many things were said to include in this particular post, but basically I

ended up sitting at my kitchen table, sobbing as both nada and fada verbally

attacked me. (You are a terrible person, you are an embarrassment, you are a

terrible mother...blah, blah, blah)....they just hurled these horrible

remarks at me for hours. Yes, I know they are just belligerent idiots but a

person can only take a verbal lashing for so long before they snap. I

finally just ran out of the room and locked myself in the bathroom. Imagine

the site...here I am...a 38 year old woman, curled up in the corner of the

bathroom with my fingers in my ears, crying and yelling " lalalalalalalalala "

to drown out their voices. When they finally left (with no thanks to my

husband who went upstairs and hid for those few hours) I just sat sobbing

and sobbing. With that, I looked up and there stood nada....she reached out

to hug me and said " I don't want you to worry...when everyone finds out

about what you did this morning we will just blame it on your genes (I'm

adopted---thank GOD). I just kept screaming " get out!! get out!! get

out!! " Which she finally did. What the heck??? First of all...when

everyone finds out what I did? what did I do? I was asleep at 4am and they

came and started crap with me!! Secondly, who is everyone? Why would anyone

KNOW about this ordeal. (I mean...I know the answer to that one...everyone

here knows she is the " town cryer " .) Lastly...what exactly are you blaming

on my genes? I was reacting to THEIR insanity!!!

This whole adoption thing is something I really need to get into more in

therapy. All I kept saying over and over again was " why, why, why did they

pick me? " ...All of the babies there...the picked me out like a puppy through

a window and plucked me out of there. What made these two people who are

incapable of loving a single thing in this entire world go out of their way

to pluck me out of a nursery? Why couldn't they have just left me alone?

All I heard all my life was that they really wanted a boy...so why didn't

they pick a boy? Why me? Their only answer was because I looked so

pathetic....pathetic...that has been the choice adjective for them since the

moment they laid eyes on me...pathetic.

I hate them. I mean that genuinely. I hate them. It is by God's grace that

I am not a vicious soul. Because of all of the things that they made me

believe (which I know now are not remotely true) I was robbed of not just a

childhood...I was robbed of love. Because of all the things they made me

believe, when I said my prayers at night I would beg God to just not allow

me to wake up in the morning. I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake

up. It's a morbid thought, but I can remember the exact moment in time when

I uttered the phrase " if I should die before I wake, i pray the lord, my

soul he will take " ...a big old light bulb went off in my head and I said to

myself " wait, wait...is that an option?...i mean, she makes such a big fuss

over me saying that prayer...there must be some sort of pretty good odds

that it could happen! "

--

Kisses and Nibbles,

Bunny