Re: Family Gatherings

[Guest guest]

I found that there is a big difference between physical LC and

emotinal LC. Getting far away geographically stopped the immediate

madness, but it took much longer to emtionally detach. I think the

pain/shame that you are feeling now is your survival self helping you

to heal. Do you think that talking to her about the party was the

damaged part of you doing a little self sabotage, opening the door to

be pulled back into the pain and frustration? Forgive yourself! You

ARE doing a great job.

>

> I'm feeling pretty foolish about something my nada just did. There

> was supposed to be a small get-together/party this weekend (obviously

> without her - as no one but me has anything to do with her anymore)

> and I happened to mention to her a few days ago who would be there.

> The party was for my benefit as I only come home once a year and don't

> often get to see relatives.

>

> I knew she would be annoyed that my dad (her ex-husband) and her

> sisters and my cousins would all be there but I told her anyway. I

> mainly said it because I don't want to contribute anymore to the

> make-believe world she wishes for where the people she doesn't want to

> get together don't get together. So that's why I mentioned it.

>

> Unfortunately she called one of her sisters to tell them not to come -

> the sister is in her early 80's and apparently still afraid of my

> mother enough to not come. So now she won't be there - this wouldn't

> have happened if I hadn't mentioned the get-together in the first

> place. So I feel a bit bad about that. But I now also really realise

> the extent to which her own family (sisters) have enabled her in her

> bad behaviour all her life by giving in to her ridiculous demands - so

> she has only ever gotten worse over the years.

>

> Do other people have nada's who try to manipulate which family members

> get together with which other family members like this?

>

> I'm so angry now - not so much because I won't see these family

> members (as I wasn't terribly close to them anyway) but mostly I'm

> angry at her temerity and manipulation of other people. I was NC for

> most of the last 2 years and think I will phone her tomorrow to say I

> will not be seeing her again this visit as she has upset me by doing

> this (although of course she is denying everything). I'm going to

> tell her she had a choice of enduring the unpleasant thought of these

> people getting together (for whatever reason it is unpleasant to her)

> or not seeing me again and that she's made her choice as to what was

> most important to her ....

>

> After all these years and I still manage to feel hurt by her

> behaviour. How long does it take for that to go? (I thought I was

> doing so well!!)

>

[Guest guest]

I did this myself to my sisters after my father disowned me for still

having contact with his ex. He invited everyone for Thanksgiving,

and I told my sisters and brother that if they went, they were only

feeding into his controling behavior and I would not be a part if it

and would appreciate it if they wouldn't be either. Then a miracle

happened. My father said he never did that (even though I had the

letter to prove it), and I went to the get-together pretending

nothing had ever been said, and we went on with our lives.

I find it really does no good to talk to them. It's almost better to

just accept and protect your boundaries and leave everyone else to

take care of themselves, too.

Dino.

> >

> > I'm feeling pretty foolish about something my nada just did.

There

> > was supposed to be a small get-together/party this weekend

(obviously

> > without her - as no one but me has anything to do with her

anymore)

> > and I happened to mention to her a few days ago who would be

there.

> > The party was for my benefit as I only come home once a year and

don't

> > often get to see relatives.

> >

> > I knew she would be annoyed that my dad (her ex-husband) and her

> > sisters and my cousins would all be there but I told her anyway.

I

> > mainly said it because I don't want to contribute anymore to the

> > make-believe world she wishes for where the people she doesn't

want to

> > get together don't get together. So that's why I mentioned it.

> >

> > Unfortunately she called one of her sisters to tell them not to

come -

> > the sister is in her early 80's and apparently still afraid of my

> > mother enough to not come. So now she won't be there - this

wouldn't

> > have happened if I hadn't mentioned the get-together in the first

> > place. So I feel a bit bad about that. But I now also really

realise

> > the extent to which her own family (sisters) have enabled her in

her

> > bad behaviour all her life by giving in to her ridiculous

demands - so

> > she has only ever gotten worse over the years.

> >

> > Do other people have nada's who try to manipulate which family

members

> > get together with which other family members like this?

> >

> > I'm so angry now - not so much because I won't see these family

> > members (as I wasn't terribly close to them anyway) but mostly I'm

> > angry at her temerity and manipulation of other people. I was NC

for

> > most of the last 2 years and think I will phone her tomorrow to

say I

> > will not be seeing her again this visit as she has upset me by

doing

> > this (although of course she is denying everything). I'm going to

> > tell her she had a choice of enduring the unpleasant thought of

these

> > people getting together (for whatever reason it is unpleasant to

her)

> > or not seeing me again and that she's made her choice as to what

was

> > most important to her ....

> >

> > After all these years and I still manage to feel hurt by her

> > behaviour. How long does it take for that to go? (I thought I

was

> > doing so well!!)

> >

>