Re: A New Year's Issue

[Guest guest]

Sylvia,

Thank you for responding. It always helps to get feedback and a bit of

grounding.

I agree, sometimes it seems that mental health issues, unless they are

so dramatic and immediate, can go overlooked by the people we need most

to see them. Coping with memories has always been a huge problem for me

and majority of the reason why I sought counceling in the first place.

My nada is a pretty brutal kind of BP and she did a number on me. My

younger brother faired a bit better than I did, but largely because his

father took custody of him at age 5 when he and mother divorced. His

very formative years were atrocious, but his father did try to rectify

it to some degree.

My HB and I had another discussion on this last night. His take on it

is the same and he gathers that I should simply not think about it. I

tried to explain as best I could that that is not an epiphany to me and

I certainly have tried over the years to just let it all go. But, it

really just not that easy. I said that the thing I needed most from him

was some sense of compassion. I don't need his heart to bleed for me,

but I do need some validation from him that I have been hurt in the past

- badly, and that when I do need someone to tell a story to or vent a

bit, he is my logical choice of people to confide in. Getting a blank,

cold stare as though he's not even listening accompanied by a sigh just

doesn't do it for me. He seemed to understand what I meant and said

that even though he believes the past should be in the past, he would

try to be a better shoulder to cry on or a better listener.

I had bought for him the book " Surviving a Borderline Parent " and he did

read it. But, I think he missed the key to the book in that he picked

out traits that I share with BP without understanding the concept of

just why those nasty little traits exsist in the first place.

Essentially, he missed the whole point of the book. I thought that

" Surviving a BP " would be an easier ease in to the effects of a BP

parent on a child than UBM, which I thought was a much better book. I

don't think that there is any fault to be laid that he didn't get the

point of my asking him to read Surviving... He read it dry. He's never

met my mother, so he doesn't have the benefit of seeing her first-hand

in full, spendid action.

I told my HB last night that one of my greatest fears was that in my

knowing my mother, should some sort of abandonment come her way like her

losing her current husband either to death or because he simply cannot

suffer it any longer, that she could very easily land on my doorstep,

unwanted and uninvited, and that the consequeces would be devestating to

me and likely our marriage. Despite that I have not seem my Nada in 12

years and we have not spoken in 7 years, she still knows where I live.

I just pray that my mother's HB continues to be the doormat and I can

continue to live in virtual anonimity as the poor, wayward, shunned

daughter who cannot recognize all that my Nada has done for me and all

the sacrifices she made for me. Yeah!

Khris

> >

> > I have been on the Kids_of_BPD board for some time now and have

> just

> > joined the WTOAdultChildren1 message board for adult children of

> > BPD. Reading the posts from others, as well as clarification of

> some

> > of my own issues, on the Kids of BPD board have been invaluable to

> me

> > and I believe that from the Adult Children board I will also find

> > some strength and inspiration. I think that since there is some

> > cross over with these two message boards as far as topic is

> > concerned, I will post this on both boards. If you too happen to

> be

> > a member of both boards too, I apologize for the duplication.

> >

> > A new problem has arisen for me for the new year. Hurrah!

> >

> > I am 39 years old, 12 years and 2000 miles distant from my BPD

> > mother. I'm an escapee. Escapee or not, I still have problems

> which

> > I deal with daily as a result of what I can only describe as a

> > Hellish upbringing (if you could really call that an upbringing).

> I

> > married at 17 to get out of my mother's house and landed myself

> right

> > in bed with a narcissist for a 13-year sentence. Out of the

> frying

> > pan and into the fire. I have two daughters from my first

> marriage,

> > ages 19 and 20. Thankfully, they are both doing very well.

> Needless

> > to say, it took me until I was 30 years old to get out of a cycle

> I

> > didn't recognize being in and to realize that everything wasn't

> all

> > my fault or responsibility.

> >

> > I was in and out of therapy and on and off medication, primarily

> to

> > treat severe depression, for several years. A revolving door. I

> > never seemed to get a doctor who for one, understood me, or two,

> they

> > thought that my core problems with my mother, in particular, were

> > exaggerated. I actually had one psychiatrist tell me that

> Borderline

> > Personality Disorder was a myth. I really should have stuck my

> Nada

> > on him. He'd of been a true believer then. He'd write me a

> > prescription and out the door I'd go. Medication does help the

> > depression and the social anxiety, but does not address the

> > underlying issues. I've always known this.

> >

> > Finally, this past year I found a very good psychiatrist to work

> on

> > issues of depression, PTSD, social phobias and agoraphobia without

> > medicating me (unless a true need arises). I think I've been

> doing

> > very well, but the holidays are always stressful and a hard time

> for

> > me. I tend to sink pretty low this time of year. New Years Eve

> > seemed to be my lowest point this year. I was in a pretty good

> funk –

> > still am. This too shall pass. I'll be ok.

> >

> > In response to my New Years Eve funk, my (second) husband has

> raised

> > some issues. He's generally an easy-going guy and occasionally I

> > bend his ear about what I'm feeling and thinking, but since I have

> > been seeing my current psychiatrist, he's growing impatient. He

> > doesn't understand that the problems I have can all co-exist or

> that

> > there can be root causes to them. He thinks you have one problem

> or

> > the other and that problems such as these should be easily fixed

> > simply by not thinking about it or focusing in on something else.

> He

> > believes that because I no longer have a relationship with my

> mother,

> > the problem is eliminated and I should stop dwelling on the past.

> > The solutions should be as simple and quick as that.

> Additionally,

> > because of his specialty, I see a doctor who is in private

> practice

> > and not a PPO with or a referral from my insurance company. I pay

> > for my visits out of my own pocket. My husband thinks that the

> > doctor will prod me along to get more money. Rip me off. I don't

> > agree. We're talking less than a year of therapy for problems

> that

> > have been largely ignored by entire life. We're not poor, I could

> > spend my money on worse things and I believe it's worth the cost.

> >

> > At this time, I feel largely unsuccessful at making my husband

> > understand what I feel and why I believe I should continue with my

> > therapy. Any suggestions on how to explain the kind of torture a

> > Nada can reap upon a child and how it's a lifelong battle to not

> > succumb to the trappings? He simply doesn't get it.

> >

> > Thanks!

> >

>