Re: You all saved my New Year's Eve

[Guest guest]

Yea, !

I had the exact same thing happen with my mother taking me to see her

therapist. She said she was seeing a therapist to help THE FAMILY.

Translation, she wanted to fix us, not her. So I called the

therapist as she told me to do, and the therapist told me that she

wanted to put her on Celexa. She asked me not to tell my mother,

that she'd talk to her about that. THen she invited me to the nxt

sesson with my mother. My mother was overjoyed that the therapist

thought I should be seen (this is how she saw it, anyway). The

therapist asked me what growing up had been like for me. Mind you,

my mother is a high-functioning BP. I told her that it feels like at

any moment she can find something wrong about me - my tone of voice,

my clothes, my hair, my friends, my choices.

To paraphrase, I told her that I feel like everything I say can and

will be used against me in a court of mother.

Then the therapist asked me the million-dollar question: " Does it

feel like you're walking on eggshells? "

Cheryl

>

> Hello all,

>

> I, like several others on this board including tressa717 and Blonde

> Fishy, am new to this discussion board. I am also new to the idea

that

> my mother has BPD, although 'discovering' this fact has felt like

> coming out of a long and intense fog. Like Tressa, my mother is a

high

> functioning BP, although in reviewing her past relationships it is

> obvious to me now that she has 'painted' people one way or another,

> and alienated the people she needed the most because of this

> personality disorder.

>

> Anyway, I recently joined this support group and I can't believe

what

> an impact it has made - especially tonight. I often struggle with

> myself and my own tendencies that reflect my mother (fleas, i

guess),

> and tonight it was especially bad. I was sitting upstairs about to

cry

> because I just felt so devastated and terrified that I was acting

like

> my mom - not acting out or anything, just feeling incredibly lonely

> and isolated and like everyone else was against me or something,

which

> was totally not true. Then I was like, oh my god, what if this just

> gets worse over time and i wind up just like her??? I should tell my

> boyfriend to get out now! Save yourself, I would tell him - SAVE

> YOURSELF! But then I signed onto here and I heard the exact same

> sentiment, by Grace:

>

> " Yes - just tonight I was thinking to myself how I hope I never

become

> like her. I am terrified of somehow turning into her, or the kind of

> mom she was. "

>

> It was amazing how just knowing that there was someone else who felt

> this way, who had this fear, made me feel better - literally

> instantly. But wait, more was to come. Then there were wonderful

words

> of wisdom, like this:

>

> " Let's all be aware that within each KO, there is the heart of

hearts,

> that knows itself. It may have been buried very deeply, to be

> protected. But it is there, it lives, and it is what keeps us

> going even in our saddest moments. It is what takes us to the

> self-help section of the book store, has us surfing on the web until

> we found this site, observes and analyzes others to find the answer

to

> our situation. It has been bruised terribly, but it is still the

> lifeforce that sustains us. " (By Sylvia)

>

> So not only did I know I was not alone, I was confirmed in thinking

> that there IS hope, that I AM on the right path to becoming a

healthy

> individual, and that I can be an exterminator and rid myself of

fleas

> - I am strong and am only getting stronger. Then (bonus!) there was

> the helpful thread on whether BPs ever get therapy, including

> Wisteria's fascinating post:

>

> " She told her doc he could talk to me once because she just knew

he'd

> tell me what a bitch of a daughter I was, but instead he said " Your

> mother has a problem. She's always going to have a problem. It can't

> be fixed and it isn't your fault. Whatever you do, don't let her

make

> you feel guilty, because it's one of the things she does best. " "

>

> And I could definitely see my mother listing all of my 'faults' to a

> therapist, sure that they'd agree with her. Again, I just can't

> believe how much I relate to stuff on here.

>

> Anyway, I have more to say but for now I just wanted to say a HUGE

> thank you to all of you for saving my New Year's. I was literally

> upstairs about to start bawling, and I came back downstairs to join

> the party. I forgave my sister for being bitchy (which I had no

> problem doing all of a sudden, whereas before it had been this big

> *thing* and I was like oh my god! i'm not 'catching' BPD, am i???),

> and had a really fun, stress-free, happy night. That is in large

part

> due to all of you, so you should ALL be proud of yourselves. I toast

> and salute you, fellow KOs! HAPPY 2008!!!

>

> Love

>

>

[Guest guest]

What did your mother do?

[Guest guest]

Hi !

I am so glad that reading the posts offered some encouragement etc... as I

found it really empowering to read other peoples stories and find out that I

am not alone in what i have been going through, as it is such an isolating

feeling.

I totally know what you mean about getting those crazy thoughts that you

will end up like your mother, as I get them too! My friends have to

literally scream at me: " YOU ARE NOTHING LIKE HER AND YOU WILL NEVER BE LIKE

HER " . I have come to realize through this support group that that is a

normal sympton for KO of BPD to feel, so I guess we aren't crazy after all!

Hope you had a great New Year's Day!

Talk soon,

Best,

Leah AKA BLONDE FISHY

On Jan 1, 2008 3:34 AM, publicinterestinterpreting

wrote:

> Hello all,

>

> I, like several others on this board including tressa717 and Blonde

> Fishy, am new to this discussion board. I am also new to the idea that

> my mother has BPD, although 'discovering' this fact has felt like

> coming out of a long and intense fog. Like Tressa, my mother is a high

> functioning BP, although in reviewing her past relationships it is

> obvious to me now that she has 'painted' people one way or another,

> and alienated the people she needed the most because of this

> personality disorder.

>

> Anyway, I recently joined this support group and I can't believe what

> an impact it has made - especially tonight. I often struggle with

> myself and my own tendencies that reflect my mother (fleas, i guess),

> and tonight it was especially bad. I was sitting upstairs about to cry

> because I just felt so devastated and terrified that I was acting like

> my mom - not acting out or anything, just feeling incredibly lonely

> and isolated and like everyone else was against me or something, which

> was totally not true. Then I was like, oh my god, what if this just

> gets worse over time and i wind up just like her??? I should tell my

> boyfriend to get out now! Save yourself, I would tell him - SAVE

> YOURSELF! But then I signed onto here and I heard the exact same

> sentiment, by Grace:

>

> " Yes - just tonight I was thinking to myself how I hope I never become

> like her. I am terrified of somehow turning into her, or the kind of

> mom she was. "

>

> It was amazing how just knowing that there was someone else who felt

> this way, who had this fear, made me feel better - literally

> instantly. But wait, more was to come. Then there were wonderful words

> of wisdom, like this:

>

> " Let's all be aware that within each KO, there is the heart of hearts,

> that knows itself. It may have been buried very deeply, to be

> protected. But it is there, it lives, and it is what keeps us

> going even in our saddest moments. It is what takes us to the

> self-help section of the book store, has us surfing on the web until

> we found this site, observes and analyzes others to find the answer to

> our situation. It has been bruised terribly, but it is still the

> lifeforce that sustains us. " (By Sylvia)

>

> So not only did I know I was not alone, I was confirmed in thinking

> that there IS hope, that I AM on the right path to becoming a healthy

> individual, and that I can be an exterminator and rid myself of fleas

> - I am strong and am only getting stronger. Then (bonus!) there was

> the helpful thread on whether BPs ever get therapy, including

> Wisteria's fascinating post:

>

> " She told her doc he could talk to me once because she just knew he'd

> tell me what a bitch of a daughter I was, but instead he said " Your

> mother has a problem. She's always going to have a problem. It can't

> be fixed and it isn't your fault. Whatever you do, don't let her make

> you feel guilty, because it's one of the things she does best. " "

>

> And I could definitely see my mother listing all of my 'faults' to a

> therapist, sure that they'd agree with her. Again, I just can't

> believe how much I relate to stuff on here.

>

> Anyway, I have more to say but for now I just wanted to say a HUGE

> thank you to all of you for saving my New Year's. I was literally

> upstairs about to start bawling, and I came back downstairs to join

> the party. I forgave my sister for being bitchy (which I had no

> problem doing all of a sudden, whereas before it had been this big

> *thing* and I was like oh my god! i'm not 'catching' BPD, am i???),

> and had a really fun, stress-free, happy night. That is in large part

> due to all of you, so you should ALL be proud of yourselves. I toast

> and salute you, fellow KOs! HAPPY 2008!!!

>

> Love

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

slaming the door and expecting us to beg her to come out was a daily practice of

my nada.

Kelley

To: WTOAdultChildren1@...: mbcurtin@...: Thu, 3 Jan

2008 09:11:54 +0000Subject: Re: You all saved my New Year's

Eve

Hi,Cheryl I loved this:I told her that I feel like everything I say can andwill

be used against me in a court of mother.Then the therapist asked me the

million-dollar question: " Does itfeel like you're walking on eggshells? " HA, i

thought the 'court of mother' was very amusing.Kyla -- to answer your question

about what she did, she didn't doanything that night, sorry if that was

confusing. I have been LC withmy mom for a little over a year, so I wasn't

actually with her - Ijust recognized some of my behaviors and feelings as being

like hersand it freaked me out. I haven't actually physically or interactedwith

my mom in person since last christmas (christmas '06), but we didexchange emails

for months. I tried to get her to go to mediatedtherapy with me, kept trying to

'fix' it or whatever for the spring,then let go and settled into more like NC.

My current 'problem' isthat my grandmother was brought into the mix (my mom's

mom), and sheis being (in my opinion) as big a bitch as my mom. My

intuitionactually says that it is meant to be that my grandmother is now a

partof this whole thing, although sometimes I'm sad about it because itappears

to me that I'll have to go LC/NC with her too, b/c I find hercorrespondences

mean and unproductive.... big surprise where my momcame from, huh?Also - I

wanted to say that I *totally* relate to that thing with momand i having a fight

and then her running to her bedroom and slammingthe door, with me expected to

knock on it and beg forgiveness later.actually it only really occurred to me

reading that just how weird itis, and how it prob doesn't happen in other

families .... this board is fantastic!!

_________________________________________________________________

Don't get caught with egg on your face. Play Chicktionary!

http://club.live.com/chicktionary.aspx?icid=chick_wlhmtextlink1_dec

[Guest guest]

Slamming doors was common for my nada too. However, we would never

talk to her until she came out and spoke first. 'Woe be unto the

one' who dared to speak to the queen before she was ready for her

audience.

Sylvia

>

>

> slaming the door and expecting us to beg her to come out was a

daily practice of my nada.

>

> Kelley

>

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1@...: mbcurtin@...: Thu, 3 Jan 2008 09:11:54

+0000Subject: Re: You all saved my New Year's Eve

>

>

>

>

> Hi,Cheryl I loved this:I told her that I feel like everything I

say can andwill be used against me in a court of mother.Then the

therapist asked me the million-dollar question: " Does itfeel like

you're walking on eggshells? " HA, i thought the 'court of mother' was

very amusing.Kyla -- to answer your question about what she did, she

didn't doanything that night, sorry if that was confusing. I have

been LC withmy mom for a little over a year, so I wasn't actually

with her - Ijust recognized some of my behaviors and feelings as

being like hersand it freaked me out. I haven't actually physically

or interactedwith my mom in person since last christmas

(christmas '06), but we didexchange emails for months. I tried to

get her to go to mediatedtherapy with me, kept trying to 'fix' it or

whatever for the spring,then let go and settled into more like NC.

My current 'problem' isthat my grandmother was brought into the mix

(my mom's mom), and sheis being (in my opinion) as big a bitch as my

mom. My intuitionactually says that it is meant to be that my

grandmother is now a partof this whole thing, although sometimes I'm

sad about it because itappears to me that I'll have to go LC/NC with

her too, b/c I find hercorrespondences mean and unproductive.... big

surprise where my momcame from, huh?Also - I wanted to say that I

*totally* relate to that thing with momand i having a fight and then

her running to her bedroom and slammingthe door, with me expected to

knock on it and beg forgiveness later.actually it only really

occurred to me reading that just how weird itis, and how it prob

doesn't happen in other families .... this board is fantastic!!

>

>

>

>

>

>

> _________________________________________________________________

> Don't get caught with egg on your face. Play Chicktionary!

> http://club.live.com/chicktionary.aspx?icid=chick_wlhmtextlink1_dec

>

>

[Guest guest]

Yes! We were ALL programmed to be consumed with how SHE was feeling!

(my dad included!) -- I think my mom's current Silent Treatment is an

attempt to get me to come to her. My dad's nasty letter at

Thanksgiving, I think, was another variation on that same theme. I

truly believe he thought he was going to pierce my heart, and I would

be so consumed with remorse that I would come running.

Ironically, this is the same man who recently served on a jury and

later complained about one juror who became difficult during

deliberations: she kept storming off and slamming the door! And my

mom was shaking her head in disgust as he told the story -- she helped

him tell it! Too ironic!!!

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

Kyla,

I think our moms are alike. They like the silent treatment. It seems

like more BPD moms are all about raging, and calling constantly, and

everything else. My mom is the opposite, and sounds like yours is

too. I can probably tell you what my NADA is thinking right

now. " she is the daughter and IM the MOTHER and she should call me

first out of respect!! "

one time a while back my sister pissed nada off somehow. I was

visiting with NADA and she was talking about my sister saying things

like " we haven't spoken in a couple weeks, she doesn't call me. she

hurts my feelings so bad " . i looked at her and said " why don't you

give her a call and ask how she's doing " ? and mom actually shook her

head and said " im the mother, she needs to respect me by calling

me " . and she said this as if she was speaking of an unbreakable

law....something that could not be changed. as if it were literally

impossible for her to BREAK the RULE and call her daughter. it was

so pathetic. i can still see the look on her face as she was saying

it.

I am sick of NADA's rules. im playing by my rules now.

>

> Yes! We were ALL programmed to be consumed with how SHE was

feeling!

> (my dad included!) -- I think my mom's current Silent Treatment is

an

> attempt to get me to come to her. My dad's nasty letter at

> Thanksgiving, I think, was another variation on that same theme.

I

> truly believe he thought he was going to pierce my heart, and I

would

> be so consumed with remorse that I would come running.

>

> Ironically, this is the same man who recently served on a jury and

> later complained about one juror who became difficult during

> deliberations: she kept storming off and slamming the door! And

my

> mom was shaking her head in disgust as he told the story -- she

helped

> him tell it! Too ironic!!!

>

> -Kyla

>

[Guest guest]

Good for you! And YES -- our nadas have the same playbook! The

Silent Treatment. The refusal to call. I think it really is an

easier situation than the nada's who harrass their kids.

My nada has that same " written in stone " LAW that says mothers can't

call their daughters. My dad is big on that one, too. Once, he

chastised me for not calling her on her birthday -- when 2 months

earlier, she had not called ME on MY birthday! He wrote in an e-

mail, " I know you're busy, but we were busy, too when you kids were

little, and we STILL MANAGED TO CALL OUR PARENTS ON THEIR

BIRTHDAY! " I remember reading that and thinking " You really are a

self-serving Narcissist. If you can write such a mean e-mail on her

behalf, blasting me and finding her faultless, then we aren't

as " close " as I thought we were. "

One rule for them, one rule for us -- all designed so that they

don't have to EVER show any vulnerability and interest in us. They

are forever absolved from having to reach out or make any effort.

It ALL has to flow one way -- from US to them. What a great set

up! You pop out a couple of babies, and BOOM! Your own personal

lifetime adoration club!

-Kyla