Re: Understanding the BPD Mother/BPD impact on sons and grandsons

[Guest guest]

Kyla--

Thanks for the feedback. I'm sure that different books appeal to

different people, but this was the first time I'd ever heard of the

" hermit " borderline and first my jaw dropped and then I cried and

cried. Finally I understood what therapists had meant for years about

being raised by a borderline.

I got married at age 17--mostly to get out of the house I think. My

mom had done such a good job of convincing us we couldn't make it on

our own--no doubt thinking we would be forced to stay with her--that I

jumped right into another borderline/narcissistic nightmare to get

away from home. Talk about drama--suicide threats, long periods of

isolation, etc. He was equally,possibly even more ill than she is,

which in a way might have been a blessing. I was forced to start

therapy way back then because of his bizarre and abusive behavior.

This was in the late 1980s and was the first time I'd ever heard of

BPD. He was diagnosed with it on the basis of an MMPI given while he

went through treatment for alcoholism.

So it's taken 20+ years, but the pieces having been slowly falling

into place. I'm really glad I found this site.

>

> mmanion --

>

> I love that book, too! And, like you, I have a Hermit Borderline

> mother. I'm sure we have many of the same experiences to relate. I,

> too, was the all-good child (firstborn, daughter) and my brother was

> the one who acted out. My father relates to him, and basically

> ignores me, except when he's berating me for not coming around

> mother much anymore. He calls my brother several times a day --

> me? Hardly ever. Not even several times a year.

>

> Meanwhile, my hermit mother, like yours, rejects everyone (finds

> something wrong with EVERYBODY!) and had a meltdown when it was time

> for me to get married. I was 24, almost 25, so it wasn't exactly

> out of the realm of possibility. She and my dad just didn't want me

> to leave the " fold " , and they certainly weren't willing to get to

> know my new husband's family. My mother wasn't very nice to my

> fiance when she first met him, either. Protecting her turf -- I

> guess she thought we'd sit at her knee forever. In her hermit cave.

>

> I carry some of the same scars you mentioned in your post -- I am

> uncomfortable with attention or praise, bury my emotions (not so

> much anymore, though) don't like crowds, don't really take charge.

> I'm not a terribly confident person, and back when I was working, I

> was terrified of my boss (another imposing authority figure, like my

> mother). If only I could go back and relive that time -- I shudder

> to think what those people must think of me.

>

> Glad you're benefiting from the book. And as for the hard work --

> yes, it's tough to soul search like this, but since I found this

> board and that book (and a couple of others), it's amazing how

> relatively fast it happened. It's been less than two years, and I'm

> definitely a different person. My parents are furious with me

> because I've walked away from the family " script " , and I realize

> that that fallout is just one of the stages we pass through as we

> change this dynamic.

>

> Based on your post, you sound like you're well on your way to

> healing and positive change.

>

> -Kyla

>

[Guest guest]

I know, this site is a godsend! I truly believe it accelerated my

progress in getting out of the insanity that my mother had created

around me.

I left home as soon as I could, too. I couldn't wait to move out

and took off for college. I remember my favorite show growing up

was The Tyler Show -- and my DREAM was to have a home

where I lived ALONE. That was #1 on my list. It's no wonder!

Glad you got therapy and figured out what you're dealing with. I,

too, found my jaw dropping when I read " UBM " -- especially the part

that described the typical man who marries a Hermit BPD. It

described my dad EXACTLY.

> >

> > mmanion --

> >

> > I love that book, too! And, like you, I have a Hermit

Borderline

> > mother. I'm sure we have many of the same experiences to

relate. I,

> > too, was the all-good child (firstborn, daughter) and my brother

was

> > the one who acted out. My father relates to him, and basically

> > ignores me, except when he's berating me for not coming around

> > mother much anymore. He calls my brother several times a day --

> > me? Hardly ever. Not even several times a year.

> >

> > Meanwhile, my hermit mother, like yours, rejects everyone (finds

> > something wrong with EVERYBODY!) and had a meltdown when it was

time

> > for me to get married. I was 24, almost 25, so it wasn't

exactly

> > out of the realm of possibility. She and my dad just didn't

want me

> > to leave the " fold " , and they certainly weren't willing to get

to

> > know my new husband's family. My mother wasn't very nice to my

> > fiance when she first met him, either. Protecting her turf -- I

> > guess she thought we'd sit at her knee forever. In her hermit

cave.

> >

> > I carry some of the same scars you mentioned in your post -- I

am

> > uncomfortable with attention or praise, bury my emotions (not so

> > much anymore, though) don't like crowds, don't really take

charge.

> > I'm not a terribly confident person, and back when I was

working, I

> > was terrified of my boss (another imposing authority figure,

like my

> > mother). If only I could go back and relive that time -- I

shudder

> > to think what those people must think of me.

> >

> > Glad you're benefiting from the book. And as for the hard work -

-

> > yes, it's tough to soul search like this, but since I found this

> > board and that book (and a couple of others), it's amazing how

> > relatively fast it happened. It's been less than two years, and

I'm

> > definitely a different person. My parents are furious with me

> > because I've walked away from the family " script " , and I realize

> > that that fallout is just one of the stages we pass through as

we

> > change this dynamic.

> >

> > Based on your post, you sound like you're well on your way to

> > healing and positive change.

> >

> > -Kyla

> >

>