RE: Re: Feelings

January 1, 2008

Kyla,

Thanks for sharing your story about how you felt numb when your children were

almost killed. The other day my son was acting out so much and I began yelling

at him, my husband who never yells or hardly ever looses his patience was also

yelling at him. I felt awful for falling into the same pattern as my Nada did

when she yelled at me but I also noticed that I almost felt numb against my son

(whom I know I love more than life). I didn't like this feeling at all and in

fact it kind of scared me. Also when he was first born I remember first putting

him in the grocery cart and putting my groceries in the car. I was so focused on

my groceries I hadn't even noticed my cart was sticking out into the parking lot

where other cars were driving by. Someone said to me, you might want to pull

your cart around just in case a crazy driver comes by. I remember feeling so

incomplete as a mother. I still have to think through safety issues with my

children because they were never integrated into my mind and heart. We are now

in the process of potty training (which started a year ago) my 3 year old boy.

My mother asked me questions about it again the other day and started putting in

her 2 cents worth on how I should tell him how he might be the only kid in

church or school that isn't potty trained and doesn't that bother him? I told

her it doesn't bother him because he could care less what other people say about

him and I think that is wonderful. I told her he is his own person and his

self-esteem doesn't rest on any outside influences. I wish they would have

allowed me to develop my sense of self based on who God made me instead of their

desire to appear to be " perfect " parents.

Kelley

To: WTOAdultChildren1@...: kylaboo728@...: Tue, 1 Jan

2008 02:38:43 +0000Subject: Re: Feelings

Dear L --Yes, I grapple with the compartmentalized feelings, too. Although,

since I've done a lot of changing and soul-searching, educating myself on this

board, and group therapy with my therapist, I've come to be less afraid of

having feelings.But I remember it coming to me crystal clear a few years ago

when my son and daughter were almost killed by a car on the street, and I felt

almost nothing at the time -- the feelings of what had just almost happened

right in front of me were too much to bear, so I numbed myself. But, since

repressed feelings always come out somewhere else, I would wake up in the

morning with these horrible thoughts and nightmarish feelings and they wouldn't

go away until the sun was waaaay up. I hated that time.Your post brought up to

me all the times I just shoved my feelings down and went numb: When my mother

was drunk, other family members were drunk, when my dad wouldn't allow me to

announce my engagement at a family gathering, when my mom skipped out on my

college graduation, when she and dad turned down invitation after invitation to

do stuff with us, etc......My husband saw it and tried to get me to see it for

years. I just swallowed it and moved on -- not feeling anything, until one

Mother's Day when she turned me down again and something in me just snapped. It

was a turning point. To mom, it was just another day, but it was life changing

for me. I finally decided that I didn't have to try hard anymore -- because she

certainly wasn't. It's gotten easier now -- I just realize that I have to do the

best I can, not avoid important things, and trust that God will light the way.

-Kyla

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January 1, 2008