Re: Is anger the only emotion that I will feel for a while?

[Guest guest]

when my mom has lost it and has a crisis, i generally feel pity,

disdain, and the urge to laugh at her for the ridiculousness of the

situation.

i suggest that if your mom does this again, next time call a leader in

the church/religious organization she's involved in or another

community organization she is affiliated with and have them go (either

with or without you) to help her. if she's at all concerned about

saving face, she'll straighten up REAL quick and put those undies on

herself. plus, if you ever need to declare her incompetent, having an

outside witness might be helpful. sure, there might be the paranoid

backlash (ie " HOW COULD YOU LET AN OUTSIDER SEE ME LIKE THIS BLAH BLAH

BLAH!! " ), but that is a great teachable moment to say, " you COULD be in

control of your own life and make your own decisions, but if you're

going to force my hand and rely on me, you're going to play by my

rules. "

i'm sorry your mom is so unreasonable.

bink

[Guest guest]

Ah Dolly, I really really feel for you!

-----------------------------------------

> It was a ridiculous scene that I am completely tired of being

> involved with. There is absolutely no reason why that woman should

> be living in a house where she cannot bathe, clothe herself,maintain

> her own health and is a risk to my father and herself. NO REASON!

> She's a menace to herself, let alone to society.

--------------------------------------------------

That could have been written by me! It is so fruuuuustrating having an

aging parent who refuses to make any healthy choices. I'm very

interested in hearing what others ahve to say on this topic... I

liked the idea in theory of getting a church or organisation involved

to add on the social pressure. Maybe it would work for some?? For my

mother she has turned into such a hermit that she's isolated herself

and alienated herself from nearly everyone except immdeiate family and

paid helpers so that isn't much help.

>

> Here's my question... Is rage and anger the emotion that surfaces

> most easily for other non-BP's? I find it is the one that keeps

> popping it's wicked head up. I shelf my emotions like it is my job.

> I hate to cry. I pretend that other people don't hurt me. I don't

> deal with my emotions for fear that I will be just like her and then

> crap like this happens and I erupt. I can't ignore rage and anger

> like I can all of the other emotions.

>

[Guest guest]

Sorry, I hit return too soon...

> > Here's my question... Is rage and anger the emotion that surfaces

> > most easily for other non-BP's? I find it is the one that keeps

> > popping it's wicked head up. I shelf my emotions like it is my job.

> > I hate to cry. I pretend that other people don't hurt me. I don't

> > deal with my emotions for fear that I will be just like her and then

> > crap like this happens and I erupt. I can't ignore rage and anger

> > like I can all of the other emotions.

I think it is normal, at least for me anyway, I feel like anger at

least is a motivating force that means I am not accepting things the

way they are and things need to change... unlike depression, say,

which is just lethargy or blame turned inward... so anger isn't

necesarily all bad... right now with the health issues surfacing and

the absolute refusal to deal with ANY of them in any positive way I

also feel a lot of fury, it really really really pisses me off. She

has arthritis and scoliosis and other degenerative bone issues (spine

so unstable a wrong fall could leave her paralysed) as well as the

respirators from decades of chain smoking, all exacerbated by no

exercise or any follow up with physical therapy, and maybe addiction

to pain killers thrown in, and absolutely refuses to consider any kind

of long term care. Anything to do with aging or accepting help seems

to have been split bad (BPD thing I assume, to split not only people

but situations into good and bad?) so there is absolutely no talking

about the subject without her raging on. I am too far away to play

rescuer too much but I understand the temptation-- I even almost

considered changing careers and moving to town and buying her house(I

sort of figure there is no way she'd ever agree to sell her house to a

stranger so the one way I could imagine her moving is if I persuaded

her indirectly). Luckily I rethought that one! I finally realised that

even giving up job and moving and sacrificing one's marriage, it

wouldn't solve her health problems which are largely self-inflicted,

and it wouldn't make her happy as she's married to misery, and it most

likely wouldn't get her to make any reasonable decisions for future

care. the only result would be me being sucked into a black hole. You

can not fill up a black hole, it will only get stronger and blacker

with negative energy if you try! But sis is still rushing in to try to

maximise her ability to stay at home as long as possible-- more power

to her if that is what she wants! But in fact she is just getting used

up like a bar of soap, getting sucked into that black hole herself....

and perseverating on the story of one of her neighbors who died a very

slow and painful death at home when she fell and broke a bone and

couldn't or wouldn't get help... I guess it pisses me off because I

don't see any pleasant or acceptable alternatives, between letting her

continue in a very unsafe situation alone at home (some aides there at

times) to possibly die or become paralysed; or forcing her into care

against her wishes, or throwing oneself down the black hole of trying

to run around picking up all the pieces making it safe for her to be

at home. It pisses me off that she basically doesnt care about either

herself OR what it does to anyone else in the process.

My sister actually told me that I " should " come to town for a week and

run mom around to doctors so sis can go on vacation. The idea

infuriated me really, I was so surprised by the anger... I realised

it was a symptom of repressed feelings??? First after spending

thousands and thousands of dollars making international trips back to

see the FOO and none of them ever reciprocating, she thinks I SHOULD

spend another week there?? And second, all these PTSD type childhood

memories started coming back.. I think they were there before really

I had just repressed them somehow... reminding me why it was sooo

maddening this idea that I SHOULD take care of this woman who so

emotionally invalidated me as a small child?

Anyway, sorry for such a long and self-centered reply, but I think

sometimes the anger can be a way to reclaim feelings and get in touch

with needs.

Good luck with it, would be interested to hear more from you or others

on their take on this....

thanks...

S.

[Guest guest]

A great and thought provoking post-

Like many of you on this site, I first sought independent therapy in my early

20's (my mom was obsessed with therapy and tried to enroll me several times when

I was a child but they all eventually came to the same conclusion--that she was

the crazy one!--and I'd get yanked out abruptly) and I'll never forget two of

the things that my therapist said during one of our first meetings. I was

telling our worst family stories in a very matter-of-fact, wistful tone (e.g.

" And then they left me on the banks of the Colorado river when I was 13 and

drove off to continue their fight [on the way to recommit their wedding vows!]

and I wandered up and down the slippery rocks until it got dark and a family

picked me up and took me to the police station where I had to call my aunt to

get our hotel info... " ) and my therapist said:

" First of all, why are you making thes sessions all about your mom when she's

made it all about her your whole life? What about you? Why aren't you angry?

You deserve to be furious! "

And I couldn't answer her! I thought, you know, I just must be too mature to

be angry. I've accepted her for who she is and she's sick and it's not her

fault blah blah blah. But what do you know, two years later, after more

therapy, this site, books (esp. 'Understanding the Borderline Mother'), it was

as if a huge stone split open inside of me and I was filled with rage for

everything: for her financial, emotional, physical, spiritual and intellectual

abuse and neglect, her total narcissism, the fact that she stole my childhood

and trampled on it. Productive, controlled fury is has given me the strength to

go LC this past year and for me, it's been a key stepping stone to moving on to

healthy acceptance and self-awareness.

It's crucial not to get mired up in the rage but it can be very helpful and I

agree--it's a great incentive to finally have the courage to pull away and

embrace your own life, needs, goals and identity!!

---------------------------------

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

[Guest guest]

Hi Dolly,

I'm so sorry that you're going through this awful nightmare with your parents.

And I include them BOTH in this -- because your father is putting up with her

insanity and dragging you into it with him. When my parents were having health

issues this past year, I would rush over to their house (2 miles away) and tend

to whatever they needed -- including many trips to the emergency room, etc. I

finally realized that it was doing no good whatsoever and I was just getting

pulled deeper and deeper into their clutches. So I pulled away (due to a health

issue of my own that came up) and told them that if they needed help the best

thing to do was to call 911. That was the best thing I ever did -- the

'emergencies' have stopped and my life is regaining some degree of order.

Finally I am in control of it again!

Best of luck to you as you extract yourself from this mess.

AZClown

Is anger the only emotion that I will feel for a

while?

Dee,

I made the mistake of going to help my father deal with my NADA last

night. Mom fell after she took a shower. Dad was struggling to get

her dressed and into a chair. Remember that Mom's got MS and is

pretty vegetative (physically) at this point. She was completely

naked on the floor with tons of blankets and pillows around her when

I arrived.

I got sucked into driving an hour to help him. I can't stand to see

him suffer like this. Why do I still feel a sense of obligation to

rescue him? I don't have any sympathy for NADA. She's made her

choices at this point. We have talked when she is lucid and she

still refuses to see that there is a problem...HER! I could hear her

cackling in the backgroud so I knew she was disassociating, but still

I made a choice to enter their domain.

I typically come in as the caregiver/nurturer to provide help in time

of trauma. I tried to keep the peace and make light of the situation

at hand. No matter what I tried she (NADA) was combative and aloof.

She flipped between the two forms of disassociation. She's

completely ticked off at her body that is shutting down on her, but

she was even more perturbed with my father's expectations that she

get dressed and move onto the couch. She get's off on his anger.

She loves to piss us off!

Needless to say, we did not have the strength to move her 280# body

onto the couch, against her wishes. We put some underwear on her and

gave her some pajamas, but that's all we got out of 5 hours of work.

Mom was so out of it. She was in " the looking glass " as we like to

call it. She blabbered and rhymed and verbally attacked us. She

dropped names of all of her political cronies. She quoted the

Sagamore of the Wabash award that she saw posted on the wall above

her. The house is a flipping shrine to this woman! She thinks she

is a saint. Matter of fact, most of the community believes she is a

saint. She went into her holier than thou routine and it just caused

me to snap. I was fed up with her HOURS of self-proclomation and

accusations!

I held up my defenses for five hours and then I snapped. I cracked

under pressure and RAGE filled ever ounce of my body. I was so

enraged with her self-absorption/ pride/egotistica l issues. She just

doesn't care about anyone but herself. She threw candy and cookies

all over the living room and kitchen. She destroyed precious

Christmas decorations that we had made as children. She just sat

there calling my father and I idiots. She screamed at us and

belittled us. Her verbal abuse broke through my walls and I was

beyond angry. She made sure to let me know that I was killing her.

She asked me if I liked watching her die. She just kept going and

going and going. She screamed over my father who was yelling at her

for acting like a child. She just kept screaming and screaming.

Dad (of course) cleaned up the living room and kitchen because that

was something that he could do. I helped and tried, as best as

possible, to ignore the whench of a woman that remained on the floor

defiant like a two year old.

It was a ridiculous scene that I am completely tired of being

involved with. There is absolutely no reason why that woman should

be living in a house where she cannot bathe, clothe herself, maintain

her own health and is a risk to my father and herself. NO REASON!

She's a menace to herself, let alone to society.

Here's my question... Is rage and anger the emotion that surfaces

most easily for other non-BP's? I find it is the one that keeps

popping it's wicked head up. I shelf my emotions like it is my job.

I hate to cry. I pretend that other people don't hurt me. I don't

deal with my emotions for fear that I will be just like her and then

crap like this happens and I erupt. I can't ignore rage and anger

like I can all of the other emotions.

I want to be able to have emotions and feel safe with people, but

experiences like this cause me to retreat even further. Is there

nothing else I can do but go NC? I want to have a relationship with

my father, but I am DONE with the psychotic whench who says she gave

birth to me. I honestly, wish she hadn't. It would have saved a LOT

of people grief!

Will I ever feel other emotions? Could I honestly have children and

not have them turn out like her? I'd much rather NEVER run the

risk.

I am so angry. I am so frustrated. I am hurt, but I can't let her

know that. I am NOT a victim. I made the choice to go there last

night. She did not victimize me. I victimized myself by going

there. I allowed myself to be hurt because I value my father and his

bealth (perhaps more than even he does). Why is it that I have

resorted to a mere 45+ minutes with my father over Steak -n- Shake as

a relationship with him? Why do we always have to talk about her

insanity? When will this end?

There's just so much going on inside my head that I can't get my

bearings. I'm reading four books about this AWFUL disease, right

now. I want to stop this from happening anymore. I get it when you

say that hiding from emotions is like hiding from an earthquake, but

how do you let go of such a tidal wave of emotions without some

catastrophe occuring???? ? I don't like these feelings. I don't want

to see what happens when my real thoughts start leaking out. I hate

HER! I hate what she's doing to my father! I hate that she is so

ignorant!

AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH H!

Dolly

____________ _________ ____

> Don't give up on getting out those repressed emotions. Staying in

> denial about your innermost feelings is like hiding from an

> earthquake. You may not like looking at the truth, but failing to

do

> so is even more damaging. Suppressed anger and hurts come out in

> physical illness, depression, and really make life less than it

could

> be.

>

> I found out about BPD about three years before my mother's passing.

> It was a gradual, slow process of discovering who I was inside and

> rearranging my perceptions of reality. I had to let myself off the

> hook. You see, I think, like my mother I had bought into the idea

> that somehow I was not only responsible, but capable of changing

> things for other people. ( How vain is that).. I also had adopted

> her victim status in regard to her. I was enabling her making me a

> victim. I was choosing to grovel in misery and anxiety over things

> over which I had no control (like making her happy!!!!! what a joke)

>

> I remember reading a wise quote at the time (can't remember where)

> that said in essence that unacknowledged emotions just continue to

> grow and destroy you. You cannot change negative emotions like

anger

> without first accepting them and recognizing them for what they

are.

> Much anger is justified, but that doesn't mean you want to continue

to

> live in anger. The only way you will rid yourself of it is to

> understand it, embrace it, feel it and then work on a more positive

> way for you to be. You can't change how you were raised or the way

> your mother is. You can only decide how you will view all this.

> Believe me, accepting the victim role is not a happy way to live.

And

> other people close to you will get tired of hearing about how

> unfortunate your life was.

>

> I don't mean to say that this stuff has to be expressed somewhere

and

> this board is a good place to get the validation you need. But we

all

> hope someday to move on past these things and live in the present

> instead of the past. Sometimes that means having to keep the

present

> free of a nada (going NC) if you can't free yourself by how you

react

> to and view her.

>

> Actually it was my oldest son (Age 40) who pointed out to me that I

> was doing just exactly the same thing my complaining, pitiful mother

> was. I was bemoaning my fate at having her to deal with and wearing

> myself out going in circles in my mind all the time. I just about

> stressed myself into oblivion. When he said this to me, it was

like a

> whole new concept that I was completely blind to. Kind of hard to

> take when you realize that YOU have much to do with your own state

of

> misery. But it was one of the things that helped me get better. I

> faced myself and created a new mantra for myself that said " I WILL

NOT

> be a VICTIM " I said it over and over to myself. I even set a limit

> on how much time I spent thinking about the problems with mom. I

set

> 20 minutes each day at the same time of day to grovel in the dirt.

> After the time was up, if I caught myself thinking negatively and

> feeling sorry for me, I would make myself get busy doing something

> else. Preferrably something I could enjoy. Over time, it worked..

>

> Of course, this was only one of the steps along the way to becoming

> much happier. I learned so much about enjoying my life more that I

> almost ( I say ALMOST) was grateful to have faced this particular

> challenge. Without it, I never would have learned what I now do.

>

> Don't give up on the spiritual strength available through prayer and

> scripture study. Well meaning people may try to over simplify the

> help you can receive. If they didn't have a BP mother, there is no

> way that they can realize that it takes much more than a desire to

> 'let it go'... or one simple prayer. But for me, my faith and

> knowledge that there is one above who DOES fully understand was

> comforting to me. Humans are just that....human. That doesn't make

> their interpretation of God correct, nor does it change the nature

of

> God who loves us and cares about each one of us personally.

>

> Trust in yourself, you will progress and arrive at a better place

> where you will find the peace you seek. Dee

>

>

>

>

>

>

> >

> >

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Be a better friend, newshound, and

know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ

[Guest guest]

Wow -- thanks for sharing that. I felt like that, too after finding

this site. I'm still angry -- and you've encapsulated why. My

therapist has also helped me see how they've wounded me, because I

wouldn't let myself feel it at the time.

I did the same thing, too -- fell for mom's psychobabble " Why can't

you just accept me for WHO I AM?!!! " (beat chest with fist for

effect). The funny thing is, like your mother, she wouldn't let US be

who WE were. It was a one-way street with her. Still is.

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

Hi Dolly, I am so sorry you have to be involved in such craziness. As

I read your description of the events taking place, all I could think,

is that truly there is NOTHING you can do to change or help in this

situation. Really there is nothing anyone can do. The fact that your

father is stuck in this horrible mess is sad, but he really can't do

anything by himself or with your help. Your mother is definitely in

need of outside intervention. Maybe is one of you could have called

911 and asked for an ambulance and help from authorities you could

then get some escape from all this.

Really, her illness is a big influence in the obligation your dad and

you both feel. From an outsider looking in, it is clearly not

possible for you to be of any help at all. THis is way beyond family

being able to fix.

I understand the rage and anger you feel. He lifetime of manipulation

and raging/blaming must strike harder each time you hear it. How much

of it is her selfishness or her illness, I don't know. I do know that

your family (Mom and Dad) need outside help.

Maybe you could tell your father that you refuse to come any more

unless he is willing to call the proper authorities and take some

serious measures to put an end to these kinds of episodes. What you

describe seems to me to almost go beyond BPD.

You must protect and save yourself. Your mother and perhaps your

father may be beyond help, but it would be really sad for you to lose

your happiness and the right to have a separate peaceful life. Don't

drown while trying to save them from drowning. Your feelings of anger

and rage are completely justified. Don't put yourself in the place to

have to go through this destructive situation again. I truly feel for

you, because I know you really care about your father. But if he

isn't willing to help himself by insisting that something be done

about her, your hands are tied.

You are right. She is beyond the point where she should be at home

and beyond being able to be cared for there, especially with her toxic

behavior toward you and your father.

I wish I had an easy answer for you. Just know that I hear you and I

feel your pain. Your instincts are right on. You need to keep

yourself free of ever having to deal with this kind of an 'emergency'

situation again. Take care of yourself and do something for yourself.

You are of worth. and remember, if you don't take care of yourself,

no one else will. A sad but true lesson of life I finally came to

understand.

I will be thinking about you. Dee

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Wow I hadn't thought of that but it is true. My Nada now says accept me for who

I am but she never accepted me for who I was a sensitive, kind, deeply feeling,

" shy " child. Does anyone have characteristics of being a Highly Sensitive

Person? I was also different than her and I believe that is one reason why she

tried so hard to change me.

Kelley

To: WTOAdultChildren1@...: kylaboo728@...: Thu, 3 Jan

2008 05:13:06 +0000Subject: Re: Is anger the only emotion

that I will feel for a while?

Wow -- thanks for sharing that. I felt like that, too after finding this site.

I'm still angry -- and you've encapsulated why. My therapist has also helped me

see how they've wounded me, because I wouldn't let myself feel it at the time.I

did the same thing, too -- fell for mom's psychobabble " Why can't you just

accept me for WHO I AM?!!! " (beat chest with fist for effect). The funny thing

is, like your mother, she wouldn't let US be who WE were. It was a one-way

street with her. Still is.-Kyla

_________________________________________________________________

Don't get caught with egg on your face. Play Chicktionary!

http://club.live.com/chicktionary.aspx?icid=chick_wlhmtextlink1_dec

[Guest guest]

Thank you! Your post means a lot to me. Rage and anger are helpful

forces in moving me past situations and into action. )

I keep forgetting that I have a life that deserves attention. I'm

eager to learn how to embrace my own life, needs, goals and identity.

I, too, find myself always talking about Mom when I vent to others

(including my therapist). What about my feelings? What about my

dreams? What about my goals?

Thank you for this reminder.

Smiles,

Dolly

- - - - - - - - - -

It's crucial not to get mired up in the rage but it can be very helpful

and I agree--it's a great incentive to finally have the courage to pull

away and embrace your own life, needs, goals and identity!!

- - - - - - - - - -

[Guest guest]

Extraction...funny word choice, but oh so appropriate

How does one go about extraction from a concrete foundation? A

jackhammer, perhaps?

It's no wonder it takes rage and anger to remove myself from this

situation. Obedience, apathy and ignorance got me to that place

of " contentment " where I served my parents every need (or at least

died trying).

What took me so long to recognize the abusive cycle? Why didn't I

run from this situation years ago? Obligation, duty, self-loathing?

I've read a lot of posts/replies from others on this site who

mentioned a black hole of negativity or going deeper into their

clutches or drowning and I can picture exactly what's happened so

many times before.

It's only when we take responsibility for ourselves that we emerge

from the abusive cycle without wounds. We walk away from their

craziness and we see that LIFE is GOOD and we actually have lives of

our own to lead. Wow! I miss that feeling. (I don't miss the

extraction pain, but I miss the feeling of getting to the other side)

Thank you for all of the feedback.

Have a great day!

Smiles,

Dolly

> > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

______________________________________________________________________

______________

> Be a better friend, newshound, and

> know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ

>

>

>