Re: giving myself a pat on the back

January 3, 2008

Tigress -- You were AWESOME! You stood up to that so well!

Refresh my memory -- is your nada the one that expects you to come

help and clean weekends? I remember we had one poster who had a

nada like that, and your nada just assuming she could have you for

the whole weekend -- that you couldn't POSSIBLY want to spend it any

other way -- sounded familiar.

You don't have to justify why you aren't helping your mom the entire

weekend -- you could just as well have said Friday is enough and the

rest of the weekend is mine to plan as I wish.....Your nada's

apparent assumption that your time is HERS to plunder sounds a lot

like my nada. She thinks she outranks ANYTHING else in my life, and

if she should need something, she used to expect me to cancel my

plans. After all, who in your life could be more important than

YOUR MOTHER???!!!

You handled your grandparents well, too. You now have what it takes

to handle whatever they ALL dish out in the future! GOOD JOB!!!!

-Kyla

January 3, 2008

Tigress,

Yoou Gooo girl. and to misquote Tony the Tiger...YOURRR GRRRREAT!!!

XOXO Carla

January 3, 2008

Tigress,

I'm definitely not an expert on handling BPD parents or anything, but

I really admire the courage you had to stand up against your mom in

front of your grandparents. Just my opinion, but i think you handled

it really well....seemed like you were strong and i admire you for

it.

Take care,

SARA jo

>

> Hi guys, I hope you had a nice holiday!

>

> I feel like I really stood up for myself last night with nada and

my

> grandparents. I feel like I'm really getting a grasp on all of

this.

>

> I went to my grandparents' house last night after I got off work

> because they had invited me over for dinner. We had a nice time,

> even after nada walked over (she lives in the house next door to

them

> that they bought and renovated for her). After dinner though, nada

> starts in on how she needs my help ALL WEEKEND in moving everything

> from her old house to her new one. I told her that I would help

her

> Friday as I had already agreed to, but that I would not be helping

> her all weekend. My fiance' and I have plans for just the two of us

> on Monday, and I want to have a nice weekend after working almost

all

> week since the new year began and enjoy the last few days before

> school begins again.

>

> Well, nada was NOT HAPPY about this. She insisted that most of the

> stuff in her old house is mine (not true!) and she needs my help.

I

> told her that I understood what she was saying, but I disagreed,

and

> considering I had moved myself into my apartment in August without

> her help, most of my things were already out of her old house and I

> would only be able to help on Friday.

>

> She began yelling at my grandfather, demanding that he step in and

> tell me how ungrateful I am. He told me I had too much of a " me "

> attitude and I needed to help my mother move. I pointed out that

she

> has been in her house for almost 6 months now and has had plenty of

> time to move her things. I restated that I would help her Friday

as

> promised, but I would not spend my entire weekend off work helping

> her. When he continued, I said, " I am not going to help someone

who

> has been emotionally and verbally abusive to me. I am 20 years

old,

> and I am not obligated to put myself in a bad position. "

>

> This erupted into a huge fight. My grandparents eventually " took

my

> side " so to speak, which only made nada angrier. I found out,

among

> other things, she was able to obtain a copy of my credit report

(how

> she did this, I have no idea but I surely would like to know) and

> told my grandparents I took out a loan and gave the money to my

> fiance'. ?!?!? I told them I did NOT take out the loan to help

him

> out, but I did it so I could begin to build a good credit rating,

and

> that even if I had taken it out to help my fiance', it wouldn't be

> anyone's business but ours.

>

> I know I lost my cool and didn't follow SWOE's suggestions very

well,

> but it felt like a big milestone for me. I kept repeating that as

> far as my grades, financial aid, etc. are concerned, nada is more

> than welcome to ask me about them, but I am not legally obligated

to

> provide her with that information and her threats to call my

> university are unfounded because they will deny her the access

> because I'm over 18.

>

> Most importantly, after the madness was finally over, nada asked

for

> me to spend the night at her house with either her there or her at

my

> grandparents' house. I told her, " I love you, and I understand you

> feel it would be best for me not to drive to my apartment this late

> and with me being upset. However, I assure you that I am OK to

drive

> and I think this is best because I have work tomorrow and we both

> need to get some sleep and calm down. If you would like to address

> this later when we have both calmed down, we can, but tonight I

need

> to focus on getting the most rest I can since I will be on my feet

> all day tomorrow. I will see you on Friday. " She kept arguing and

> normally I would have caved in, but I didn't and drove to my

> apartment.

>

> My grandmother called me later to make sure I had made it in. She

> was crying and apologized to me because she feels like she and my

> grandfather should have forced nada to get help, etc. I told her

> about BPD and that I and my therapist suspect it's what nada has.

I

> told her we could not force her to change herself because it has to

> be something she wants to do, but that we could change how we react

> to her. I told her about SWOE and said that I would loan it to her

> after I finish re-reading it. She thinks that I'm with my fiance'

> because of my nada, which is B.S. I told her she was entitled to

> believe that but that I strongly disagreed and that she and my

> grandfather should be more concerned about my mother than about my

> relationship with a man who, while he has " baggage " (I hate that

> word), cares deeply about me and my well-being.

>

> I think I handled last night as best as I could at this point in my

> detachment from this entirely bizarre and enmeshed situation. I've

> asked my fiance' to read the chapter on SWOE about protecting

> children of BPs. While it doesn't apply to me completely as I'm

too

> old for the suggestions, the main reason why I want him to read it

is

> I think it does a good job of explaining how growing up with a BP

> parent affects a non-BP kid, even after they're an adult. I didn't

> even realize how accurately it described me (lack of trust, setting

> up tests, etc.) until reading it. I think I'll bring it up to my

> therapist at our next session because I believe it will improve me

> and my fiance's relationship.

>

January 3, 2008

One more thought/comment: I think it's GREAT that you told your

grandmother that your mother probably has Borderline Personality

Disorder. I'm sure it must have caused her to understand a little

better what had just transpired in her home. It gave you a lot of

credibility, and I'll bet her respect for you increased at that

moment. You had facts to back up your newfound backbone, and I'm sure

she will think twice before dismissing you in favor of your mother

again. Your grandfather will probably come to that conclusion, too.

I was really impressed with how you handled that.

-Kyla

January 3, 2008

Tigress,

You were AWESOME! What a great example of setting boundaries AND

defending those boundaries. Your actions and responses are a

wonderful example for other KOs to follow.

Sylvia

>

> Hi guys, I hope you had a nice holiday!

>

> I feel like I really stood up for myself last night with nada and

my

> grandparents. I feel like I'm really getting a grasp on all of

this.

>

> I went to my grandparents' house last night after I got off work

> because they had invited me over for dinner. We had a nice time,

> even after nada walked over (she lives in the house next door to

them

> that they bought and renovated for her). After dinner though,

nada

> starts in on how she needs my help ALL WEEKEND in moving

everything

> from her old house to her new one. I told her that I would help

her

> Friday as I had already agreed to, but that I would not be helping

> her all weekend. My fiance' and I have plans for just the two of

us

> on Monday, and I want to have a nice weekend after working almost

all

> week since the new year began and enjoy the last few days before

> school begins again.

>

> Well, nada was NOT HAPPY about this. She insisted that most of

the

> stuff in her old house is mine (not true!) and she needs my help.

I

> told her that I understood what she was saying, but I disagreed,

and

> considering I had moved myself into my apartment in August without

> her help, most of my things were already out of her old house and

I

> would only be able to help on Friday.

>

> She began yelling at my grandfather, demanding that he step in and

> tell me how ungrateful I am. He told me I had too much of a " me "

> attitude and I needed to help my mother move. I pointed out that

she

> has been in her house for almost 6 months now and has had plenty

of

> time to move her things. I restated that I would help her Friday

as

> promised, but I would not spend my entire weekend off work helping

> her. When he continued, I said, " I am not going to help someone

who

> has been emotionally and verbally abusive to me. I am 20 years

old,

> and I am not obligated to put myself in a bad position. "

>

> This erupted into a huge fight. My grandparents eventually " took

my

> side " so to speak, which only made nada angrier. I found out,

among

> other things, she was able to obtain a copy of my credit report

(how

> she did this, I have no idea but I surely would like to know) and

> told my grandparents I took out a loan and gave the money to my

> fiance'. ?!?!? I told them I did NOT take out the loan to help

him

> out, but I did it so I could begin to build a good credit rating,

and

> that even if I had taken it out to help my fiance', it wouldn't be

> anyone's business but ours.

>

> I know I lost my cool and didn't follow SWOE's suggestions very

well,

> but it felt like a big milestone for me. I kept repeating that as

> far as my grades, financial aid, etc. are concerned, nada is more

> than welcome to ask me about them, but I am not legally obligated

to

> provide her with that information and her threats to call my

> university are unfounded because they will deny her the access

> because I'm over 18.

>

> Most importantly, after the madness was finally over, nada asked

for

> me to spend the night at her house with either her there or her at

my

> grandparents' house. I told her, " I love you, and I understand

you

> feel it would be best for me not to drive to my apartment this

late

> and with me being upset. However, I assure you that I am OK to

drive

> and I think this is best because I have work tomorrow and we both

> need to get some sleep and calm down. If you would like to

address

> this later when we have both calmed down, we can, but tonight I

need

> to focus on getting the most rest I can since I will be on my feet

> all day tomorrow. I will see you on Friday. " She kept arguing

and

> normally I would have caved in, but I didn't and drove to my

> apartment.

>

> My grandmother called me later to make sure I had made it in. She

> was crying and apologized to me because she feels like she and my

> grandfather should have forced nada to get help, etc. I told her

> about BPD and that I and my therapist suspect it's what nada has.

I

> told her we could not force her to change herself because it has

to

> be something she wants to do, but that we could change how we

react

> to her. I told her about SWOE and said that I would loan it to

her

> after I finish re-reading it. She thinks that I'm with my fiance'

> because of my nada, which is B.S. I told her she was entitled to

> believe that but that I strongly disagreed and that she and my

> grandfather should be more concerned about my mother than about my

> relationship with a man who, while he has " baggage " (I hate that

> word), cares deeply about me and my well-being.

>

> I think I handled last night as best as I could at this point in

my

> detachment from this entirely bizarre and enmeshed situation.

I've

> asked my fiance' to read the chapter on SWOE about protecting

> children of BPs. While it doesn't apply to me completely as I'm

too

> old for the suggestions, the main reason why I want him to read it

is

> I think it does a good job of explaining how growing up with a BP

> parent affects a non-BP kid, even after they're an adult. I

didn't

> even realize how accurately it described me (lack of trust,

setting

> up tests, etc.) until reading it. I think I'll bring it up to my

> therapist at our next session because I believe it will improve me

> and my fiance's relationship.

>

January 3, 2008

You ARE a tigress indeed! I am inspired.

julie