Re: You all saved my New Year's Eve

[Guest guest]

Hi,

Cheryl I loved this:

I told her that I feel like everything I say can and

will be used against me in a court of mother.

Then the therapist asked me the million-dollar question: " Does it

feel like you're walking on eggshells? "

HA, i thought the 'court of mother' was very amusing.

Kyla -- to answer your question about what she did, she didn't do

anything that night, sorry if that was confusing. I have been LC with

my mom for a little over a year, so I wasn't actually with her - I

just recognized some of my behaviors and feelings as being like hers

and it freaked me out. I haven't actually physically or interacted

with my mom in person since last christmas (christmas '06), but we did

exchange emails for months. I tried to get her to go to mediated

therapy with me, kept trying to 'fix' it or whatever for the spring,

then let go and settled into more like NC. My current 'problem' is

that my grandmother was brought into the mix (my mom's mom), and she

is being (in my opinion) as big a bitch as my mom. My intuition

actually says that it is meant to be that my grandmother is now a part

of this whole thing, although sometimes I'm sad about it because it

appears to me that I'll have to go LC/NC with her too, b/c I find her

correspondences mean and unproductive.... big surprise where my mom

came from, huh?

Also - I wanted to say that I *totally* relate to that thing with mom

and i having a fight and then her running to her bedroom and slamming

the door, with me expected to knock on it and beg forgiveness later.

actually it only really occurred to me reading that just how weird it

is, and how it prob doesn't happen in other families ....

this board is fantastic!!

[Guest guest]

I can definitely relate to the silent treatment. I used to get that in

the car ride home. If I was more than 5 min late, it was the silent

treatment for the whole 40-min car ride.... RIDICULOUS! sometimes kids

are late! who CARES??

Anyway -- I actually think you're right, though, Kyla, that perhaps

those of us who get the silent treatment have it better than those who

are harassed all the time. I definitely think my mom is waiting for me

to contact her and beg for forgiveness (yet again - story of my life

except NOT ANYMORE). She and my grandmother keep harping on filial

responsibility, how it is up to the child to take good care of the

parent, honoring thy (crazy) mother and all that...

I just got SWOE tonight, my friend bought it for me as a belated

chanukkah gift. It has been very intense reading so far. I relate to a

lot of it, and not to some of it ... i think b/c my mom is a pretty

high functioning BP. Mostly, I feel compassion for the people it

describes ... which is then confusing for me, b/c i really would like

for my mom to get help, but i feel unsure about suggesting the truth,

which is that she is a high functioning BP. my current plan is to wait

until i meet with my therapist next week to discuss it. i dunno.

it is so good to hear from people who understand that it's not all my

fault, in fact none of it is my fault. i got so sick and tired of it

ALWAYS being my responsibility to fix, to apologize, to beg for

forgiveness. that is such BS! plus with the stupid distortion

campaigns it would be my mom's friends being like, " you should really

be nice to your mother. " when i was like you have no idea what you're

talking about! she's needy and clingy and desperate and she calls me

selfish, which is not true, and besides, SHE'S the one who yelled at

me, SHE'S the one who should be apologizing to me! geez.

anyway yeah, it's good to be around (well, virtually anyway) people

who get it, that there is responsibility on both sides, that it's NOT

all up to me to fix. this is a flea i have become more conscious of

with my boyfriend too - whenever we have conflict i am learning to let

go of the idea that it's always up to ME to fix. sometimes it's just

his goddamn fault and he should apologize first.

melanie

>

> Good for you! And YES -- our nadas have the same playbook! The

> Silent Treatment. The refusal to call. I think it really is an

> easier situation than the nada's who harrass their kids.

>

> My nada has that same " written in stone " LAW that says mothers can't

> call their daughters. My dad is big on that one, too. Once, he

> chastised me for not calling her on her birthday -- when 2 months

> earlier, she had not called ME on MY birthday! He wrote in an e-

> mail, " I know you're busy, but we were busy, too when you kids were

> little, and we STILL MANAGED TO CALL OUR PARENTS ON THEIR

> BIRTHDAY! " I remember reading that and thinking " You really are a

> self-serving Narcissist. If you can write such a mean e-mail on her

> behalf, blasting me and finding her faultless, then we aren't

> as " close " as I thought we were. "

>

> One rule for them, one rule for us -- all designed so that they

> don't have to EVER show any vulnerability and interest in us. They

> are forever absolved from having to reach out or make any effort.

> It ALL has to flow one way -- from US to them. What a great set

> up! You pop out a couple of babies, and BOOM! Your own personal

> lifetime adoration club!

>

> -Kyla

>