Re: Help with Setting Limits

[Guest guest]

>

> My therapist and I came up with a good line I can say to help me

> set limits with my mom in regards to talking poorly to me about my

> grandpa, but here is the problem...I can't get the line out of my

> mouth. She calls me and says something that bothers me and I

freeze.

> I become so frightened that I don't recognize myself. I keep

> thinking " just count to three and say it " and every time I freeze.

(I

> used to say to myself " count to three and just say it " all the time

> when I was growing up and having issues with boyfriends. I thought

I

> moved past this, but I'm right back to where I started).

>

> So because of all of this I feel at odds.

-

Your sentence, " I become so frightened that I don't recognize

myself. " just jumped out at me. It makes me wonder what happened

that would make you so frightened. It also makes me wonder why you

want to talk to someone who makes you feel this way. Sometimes I

think we forget that setting a boundary is sometimes as simple as not

picking up the phone or not calling. It is normal to want to know

how your mom is doing. She should also want to know how you are

doing. But we know she likely has BPD, so you may as well be gum on

her shoe. A normal person will not get mad at your for not being the

1st to call back. That whole " let's wait to see how long it is

before SHE calls me " is something my mother pulled all the time.

What she found out was that most people didn't want to talk to her

and never called her back...it was no great loss to them because she

treated them badly to begin with.

If you want to know how your grandfather is doing, you can call him

at the hospital or speak with your grandmother. You don't have to

let your mother be the gate keeper.

My mother had moments where I can look back and say she " tried " to be

a good mom. But her " trying " as a BPD still doesn't measure up and

turn out to be what a child actually needs from their parent. For

me, it has just gotten worse as she has gotten older. Even before I

knew what was wrong with her, I had less and less of a relationship

with her. Conversation was superficial. I couldn't share important

things with her anyway. What did I lose by not picking up the phone

and calling? Not much. The FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) rolls in

and out at times. But my only thought is that if a conversation with

someone makes you so frightened you completely freeze up, then maybe

you don't need to have those kind of conversations any more.

If you have to speak with her...maybe just hang up. You can call

back when you have your wits about you and just say, " Gosh I don't

know how we got disconnected. I don't remember what we were talking

about, but I just wanted to say goodbye so that I can.... " fill in

the blank. Say a polite good-bye and be done with it. If you get

braver, verbalize your boundaries. " Mom, I would really appreciate

it if you we don't talk about X. " " Mom, I already indicated we won't

be talking about X, so if you don't have anything else to say, I

really need to go now. " I can guarantee you she will still bring up

X. It doesn't matter. The boundary is for you. It's your signal to

yourself that you can end the conversation and move on. Yes...it's

REALLY hard at first. But Rome was built in a day...start small.

Hang in there...you've gotten lots of great advice from everyone.

You aren't alone!

JJFan

[Guest guest]

, I respect that you are staying in contact with your mother

because you are not ready to go NC. You will know if and when that is

the right decision for you. Only when the pain of having the

relationship is worse than the pain of not having it will you be ready

to take that very extreme step. It's difficult at every level of

contact, including no contact. There are no quick fixes or easy answers

for any of us-- it is a long, long, hard road to healing and you are

well on you way so you should be proud of that.

wrote:

>

> More sighs...My mom is the one who sent me an email that said " not your

> mom " as her signature...and not much else. She called to say happy

> birthday to my oldest and youngest (oldest has not lived in our home for

> 3 years)...and she then called the next day...this time to talk to

> me...but took 3 things out of the letter I wrote to tell me how wrong I

> was about the " facts " ...suddenly my father was an saint. I was proud

> that I held up and simply responded " I understand " when she stated

> things I disagreed with. It was refreshing but when I hung up I found

> myself crying despite my " strength " in not being pulled in to her

> battling with her.

>

> My counselor just sighs when I say I want to keep in touch with my

> parents...But he works with me where I am AT rather than where he wants

> me to be. So he is working to help me accept what is happening in my

> life right now. My mom would have an absolute & *(# fit if I told her I

> thought she was BPD and actually did any research on it. It would be

> amazingly explosive. I am an only child and find it hard to

> disconnect. I worry about my dad. I worry about other family

> members...I have started to accept that my father is as much of a

> problem as my mother but honestly it is HARD to disconnect from your

> parents.

>

> Right now my GOAL...which I tell my counselor I think is " realistic " is

> to be able to function at the level I see some here on the list do.

> That is they help/talk/work with what ever their parents need at the

> time but they vent it here...but maintain the boundaries in the presence

> of the manipulation of their parent. I may one day move on to cutting

> the ties completely but right now it hurts so much to think I would be

> " losing " the only family I know.

>

> Thanks for sharing your stories here. I find them very therapeutic and

> I find it amazing that there are so many whose story could be mine in

> written books.

>

> nicole

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

it's funny that you ask me to look at my mom's relationship with my

grandfather because the more I read up on this disease the more I

think that he too may have BPD. I am trying, as you said, to see

where it is coming from, and as others have said, I am working on

seeing the disease and understanding where my mom comes from...day by

day...

>

> practice. If you are completely frozen every time you try to assert

yourself, first write it out on a sheet of paper, then practice it in

front of a mirror, then role play with a friend. You will find it

hard the first few times you go " live " with your mom but you must set

your boundaries. I would also ask you to observe the relationship

between your mom and her father. BPD runs in families and the same

sorts of problems you are having with her, she may well have had with

her own parents. As much as you love your grandparent, don't judge

your mom to harshly until you track where the BPD stems from. In my

own family I suspect that my nada was trained by her mother. My

grandmother could be a paragon of virtue in public and a witch in

private. Set your boundary, but understand that normally BPD is not a

vacuum kind of disorder, there are events which cause it to be

manifested in a person who is prone to act in that manner in the

first place. I in no way am

> asking you to excuse your mom's past bad behavior or her current

neediness.. Good luck.

>

>

>

>

> Help with Setting Limits

>

>

> Hi all. I'm new here...well, I've been checking the postings for a

> few weeks now but this is my first post. About a month or so ago my

> therapist and I pieced together that my mother may have BPD. I can't

> say " she 100% has BPD " because she has not been formally diagnosed

> with it, but after reading many books, relating to all of

the " Ozians "

> childhood stories, and speaking with my therapist it's a pretty sure

> thing.

>

> I am trying so hard to set limits and take care of my needs but it's

> proving a lot more difficult that I expected.

>

> A bit of background about me. When I was 10 my parents divorced and

I

> went to live with my mom and my brother went with my dad. (We saw

> each other on weekends). Naturally I was ordained the " all good

> child " and my brother was the " all bad child. " My mother has all of

> the common BPD traits one would expect. When I was growing up she

had

> a frightening temper which often embarressed me because she wouldn't

> hold back if I had friends over, she blew everything out of

> proportion, I was always afraid of her reactions when I made

> " mistakes " (G-d forbid I EVER forgot a school book if we were

already

> out of the driveway), etc etc etc. Life has always been about her

and

> her needs and though I was the all good child, there were plenty of

> times I turned into the " all bad child " and she never failed to tell

> me how selfish I was or make me feel guilty if I wanted to go out

with

> friends on a Friday night rather than stay in with her.

>

> Right now both my grandmother and grandfather are having health

> issues. Nothing life threatening thank goodness, but there have been

> hospital stays and the like. My mother and stepdad live in the same

> town as my grandparents, while my aunt is many hours away. This of

> course leaves only my mom to care for my grandparents. So here is

> where I am having problems setting limits (thank you to anyone who

is

> still with me and reading). My mother leans on me for everything and

> recently through therapy I realized that I don't have to take that

> role on any more. She calls and complains about my ill grandparents,

> and I know it is probably exhausting, and she has a bad relationship

> wiht my grandpa (he's the ill one currently) but I dont feel

> comfortable hearing her speak so negatively about him, especially

when

> he's sick. He's my grandpa, you know, and I love him, and my

> relationship with him is very different to the one my mom has with

> him. My therapist and I came up with a good line I can say to help

me

> set limits with my mom in regards to talking poorly to me about my

> grandpa, but here is the problem...I can't get the line out of my

> mouth. She calls me and says something that bothers me and I freeze.

> I become so frightened that I don't recognize myself. I keep

> thinking " just count to three and say it " and every time I freeze.

(I

> used to say to myself " count to three and just say it " all the time

> when I was growing up and having issues with boyfriends. I thought I

> moved past this, but I'm right back to where I started).

>

> So because of all of this I feel at odds. I haven't called my mom in

> a few days (we talk frequently) but I do want to see how she is

doing.

> She hasn't called me either and I can never tell if it's because she

> is busy or because she is waiting to see how long it will be before

I

> call her. I don't want to avoid this any longer but I don't want to

> egg her on either.

>

> I do love my mother and though there were lots of negative things

that

> happened in my childhood she had good motherly traits as well and I

> still care about her and want to have some sort of relationship with

> her. She is not all bad by any means.

>

> Has anyone here had the same experience that you were afraid to set

a

> limit? And how did you over come it?

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>