Re: out of control bpd mother part2

[Guest guest]

Breathe in, breathe out...

Breathe in, breathe out...

Good grief, you just described what most days can be like with my

mother... I SO feel your distress, confusion, drain and disgust. No

grande words of advice here (we both already know what's what with

the whole BPD thing) but, sometimes it just helps to know that

SOMEBODY HEARS YOU!

Your Nada may be in grande distress today and until her husband

returns (bless his heart) but that doesn't mean you need to take his

place. She got more chores done from you, and a police involvement

to boot, so she's 'good'... take a break for yourself... play with

YOUR son and stay away... she'll be fine (in whatever capacity that

is, it's up to her).

Peace for your heart and head today!

Lynnette

>

>

> I can hardly think right now,but one thing is for sure..I am so

grateful

> to this group....... A few months agoI promised my step-father I

would

> " look after " my mother for 9 days while he was on vacation/work

related

> trip...I honored my promise simply because he is the nicest man on

this

> earth...He married my mother 12 years ago...and he looks like a

> different man now..drawn,tired looking...never smiles,says very

little

> to anyone...has no friends....just miserable he truly is...and I

felt it

> the right thing to do in order for him to have some kind of much

needed

> break....I could go on and on...but bottom line..she gave me a

really

> nice cell phone...well..I was checking it out and discovered it

belongs

> to one of her employees..(.My mother married a very successful

business

> man...)she runs his office...so...here I sit in the middle...she

told me

> 3 conflicting stories as to how she obtained it...but all are

> lies....so,I'm trying to fiqure out what to do about it..and

trying to

> not confront her..I cannot handle her possible rage if taken the

> incorrect way(on my end...well...I cleaned and cleaned her

house,moved

> her furniture...bunned for her...listened to nonstop whining about

how

> awful her life is...how mean her husband is to her...how sick she

> is...etc...etc...well...I decide to get her house organized/or at

least

> begin the process...she pulls out her jewelry and like clock

work...she

> began shreiking that her diamond was missing out of her ring....I

calmly

> reminded her that not too lond ago she told me she was changing

> stone...having smething else made...and of course I was

> " confused " ...mistaken,and on and on...she got academy award for her

> degree of pity pot..whispering " how could someone steal from me

when I

> am so honest and generous with everyone I know...on and on...with

each

> phone call the drama level increased...I felt so disgusted with

> her...anyway she actually called the police...and a report was

> made...she said how staying alone really scared her more than

ever,and

> how happy she was having me home to " help her " .I am sorry that

when I

> felt like my head was gonna blow off I made the awful mistake of

trying

> to tell she needed to get herself together..maybe even as an in-

patient

> ...and by the end of that conversation it was me who needed

psychiatric

> help..not her ...and then the " why are you so hateful towards me

> " started and on and on....twisting around what the cop had said to

> her..obcessing over who stole from hher....I told her I would stay

until

> sun came up and then I was leaving...I collapsed exhausted and

achy on

> her sofa...her right there at the other end...this morning she was

> overly sweet...sicken sweet in fact...apologized for her being

upset

> about her being robbed....grrr....so long story shorter...she had

one of

> her " I am blind " episodes...I ignored her but it was tough...she

laid on

> the couch...I left for long enough to get her dogs some food and a

few

> dog toys...came back and spend some quality time washing her cars

and

> garage and playing with her dogs...I so love them ..one is 12 and

very

> sick,and the other is 1 and huge..already 100 pounds...shepards are

> awesome...he spends most of the time in his cage however...and so

> playing with him outside was special...for them and for me as

> well....it was beautiful out side today so I didn't mind staying

there

> until she decided she was allright again..and right around 4pm she

did

> just that and wanted to go to her restaurant and ....on and on and

> on...I told her I was leaving to see my son..my dog...and do some

of the

> things I have to do in my life....she tried the list of button

> pushing..I held my ground and left..I waited a couple of hours and

> called to find she wasn't answering her phones..so I said oh

> well...guess you're busy...and oh being scared is an awful way to

> live..call me if you need me...silent treatment!!! Yeah!! I am so

> tired,and yet I keep looking for signs she cares about anyone

besides

> herself all the time...and why she steals...and lies about

> everything...all the time...no wonder she's unhappy....I went to

book

> store on my way home and got the SWOE book and the workbook...also

> Surviving the Borderline Parent....I Can't wait to get to reading

> them...Sorry so long... sometimes find myself all knotted up

> emotionally...and then physically...the back pain...the

headaches...the

> intense anger I feel from all the years of my life wasted on

> her...her,her,her...I matter too...and I cannot wait to

move...taking

> my dog,my books,and sentimental things...the rest is all

hers...came

> from her...can remain here with her..I want NO reminders..this

time I'm

> never looking back.Thanks for all your support..

>

> Unbroken (might end up with a different nickname before

all is

> said and done!!! Goodnight Everyone...

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Lynette is right -- take a breath. Take a step back. Calm the

anxiety within long enough to realize what YOU would like to do

today.

Also, I can identify with the calling of mother, trying to assure

myself she's not mad at me. Those days are long gone, however, as I

realized that I don't need to do backflips to please the

faultfinding Queen. I hope that you can realize this, too. You

don't need to call and check on her moods anymore.

Take time for yourself -- read those books. From your post, it

appears you're WAY TOO ENMESHED with her. I'm glad you have a nice

stepdad, but you are not obligated to look after his BPD wife as a

way of showing love to him. Find other ways that don't involve

her. She's draining the life force right out of you. You have the

FIRST right of refusal at requests to " look after " her. It's a

never-ending, impossible task. It eats people alive.

But first, start with those books. You might be amazed at how

quickly it all comes together for you -- It did for me.

-Kyla

> >

> >

> > I can hardly think right now,but one thing is for sure..I am so

> grateful

> > to this group....... A few months agoI promised my step-father I

> would

> > " look after " my mother for 9 days while he was on vacation/work

> related

> > trip...I honored my promise simply because he is the nicest man

on

> this

> > earth...He married my mother 12 years ago...and he looks like a

> > different man now..drawn,tired looking...never smiles,says very

> little

> > to anyone...has no friends....just miserable he truly is...and I

> felt it

> > the right thing to do in order for him to have some kind of much

> needed

> > break....I could go on and on...but bottom line..she gave me a

> really

> > nice cell phone...well..I was checking it out and discovered it

> belongs

> > to one of her employees..(.My mother married a very successful

> business

> > man...)she runs his office...so...here I sit in the middle...she

> told me

> > 3 conflicting stories as to how she obtained it...but all are

> > lies....so,I'm trying to fiqure out what to do about it..and

> trying to

> > not confront her..I cannot handle her possible rage if taken the

> > incorrect way(on my end...well...I cleaned and cleaned her

> house,moved

> > her furniture...bunned for her...listened to nonstop whining

about

> how

> > awful her life is...how mean her husband is to her...how sick she

> > is...etc...etc...well...I decide to get her house organized/or

at

> least

> > begin the process...she pulls out her jewelry and like clock

> work...she

> > began shreiking that her diamond was missing out of her

ring....I

> calmly

> > reminded her that not too lond ago she told me she was changing

> > stone...having smething else made...and of course I was

> > " confused " ...mistaken,and on and on...she got academy award for

her

> > degree of pity pot..whispering " how could someone steal from me

> when I

> > am so honest and generous with everyone I know...on and

on...with

> each

> > phone call the drama level increased...I felt so disgusted with

> > her...anyway she actually called the police...and a report was

> > made...she said how staying alone really scared her more than

> ever,and

> > how happy she was having me home to " help her " .I am sorry that

> when I

> > felt like my head was gonna blow off I made the awful mistake of

> trying

> > to tell she needed to get herself together..maybe even as an in-

> patient

> > ...and by the end of that conversation it was me who needed

> psychiatric

> > help..not her ...and then the " why are you so hateful towards me

> > " started and on and on....twisting around what the cop had said

to

> > her..obcessing over who stole from hher....I told her I would

stay

> until

> > sun came up and then I was leaving...I collapsed exhausted and

> achy on

> > her sofa...her right there at the other end...this morning she

was

> > overly sweet...sicken sweet in fact...apologized for her being

> upset

> > about her being robbed....grrr....so long story shorter...she

had

> one of

> > her " I am blind " episodes...I ignored her but it was tough...she

> laid on

> > the couch...I left for long enough to get her dogs some food and

a

> few

> > dog toys...came back and spend some quality time washing her

cars

> and

> > garage and playing with her dogs...I so love them ..one is 12

and

> very

> > sick,and the other is 1 and huge..already 100 pounds...shepards

are

> > awesome...he spends most of the time in his cage however...and so

> > playing with him outside was special...for them and for me as

> > well....it was beautiful out side today so I didn't mind staying

> there

> > until she decided she was allright again..and right around 4pm

she

> did

> > just that and wanted to go to her restaurant and ....on and on

and

> > on...I told her I was leaving to see my son..my dog...and do

some

> of the

> > things I have to do in my life....she tried the list of button

> > pushing..I held my ground and left..I waited a couple of hours

and

> > called to find she wasn't answering her phones..so I said oh

> > well...guess you're busy...and oh being scared is an awful way to

> > live..call me if you need me...silent treatment!!! Yeah!! I am so

> > tired,and yet I keep looking for signs she cares about anyone

> besides

> > herself all the time...and why she steals...and lies about

> > everything...all the time...no wonder she's unhappy....I went to

> book

> > store on my way home and got the SWOE book and the

workbook...also

> > Surviving the Borderline Parent....I Can't wait to get to reading

> > them...Sorry so long... sometimes find myself all knotted up

> > emotionally...and then physically...the back pain...the

> headaches...the

> > intense anger I feel from all the years of my life wasted on

> > her...her,her,her...I matter too...and I cannot wait to

> move...taking

> > my dog,my books,and sentimental things...the rest is all

> hers...came

> > from her...can remain here with her..I want NO reminders..this

> time I'm

> > never looking back.Thanks for all your support..

> >

> > Unbroken (might end up with a different nickname before

> all is

> > said and done!!! Goodnight Everyone...

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

About " Surviving the Borderline Parent " ...

The same day my therapist 'sniffed out' what we were dealing with

with Nada and BPD, she told me to get this book. I waffled around

for 3 days - guilt and fear of what was to come... but eventually I

realized that if I was to 'get through this' I had to do what I

was 'told' to do... and I did. Read it almost cover to cover the

first night - pen in hand, notes in the margin, etc. I

underlined, commented, 'ditto' on anything that I had ever seen,

experienced, felt, identified with, etc...I used a lot of ink. It

was very helpful to learn that my impressions, realities,

experiences were not random and isolated events...

The phrase, " You don't need to call and check on her moods anymore "

is something I'm learning to do. I've basically abandoned making

ANY phone call with that intent. Even if I have to sit and stare at

the phone til the urge of obligation passes... and trust me... it

does...lol. Now when she's " in town " (as you can see my post over

the weekend after 13 days of 'family fun') she shoves those moods on

me at every available opportunity... BLETCH! Working on that with

my therapist...the building of the emotional bubble for my safety

from her...

You are a grown up who is free to utilize caller ID to its fullest

potential... I'm still convinced Caller ID was created by the child

of a BPD... who else would have motive? lol

Lynnette

> > >

> > >

> > > I can hardly think right now,but one thing is for sure..I am

so

> > grateful

> > > to this group....... A few months agoI promised my step-father

I

> > would

> > > " look after " my mother for 9 days while he was on

vacation/work

> > related

> > > trip...I honored my promise simply because he is the nicest

man

> on

> > this

> > > earth...He married my mother 12 years ago...and he looks like a

> > > different man now..drawn,tired looking...never smiles,says

very

> > little

> > > to anyone...has no friends....just miserable he truly is...and

I

> > felt it

> > > the right thing to do in order for him to have some kind of

much

> > needed

> > > break....I could go on and on...but bottom line..she gave me a

> > really

> > > nice cell phone...well..I was checking it out and discovered

it

> > belongs

> > > to one of her employees..(.My mother married a very successful

> > business

> > > man...)she runs his office...so...here I sit in the

middle...she

> > told me

> > > 3 conflicting stories as to how she obtained it...but all are

> > > lies....so,I'm trying to fiqure out what to do about it..and

> > trying to

> > > not confront her..I cannot handle her possible rage if taken

the

> > > incorrect way(on my end...well...I cleaned and cleaned her

> > house,moved

> > > her furniture...bunned for her...listened to nonstop whining

> about

> > how

> > > awful her life is...how mean her husband is to her...how sick

she

> > > is...etc...etc...well...I decide to get her house organized/or

> at

> > least

> > > begin the process...she pulls out her jewelry and like clock

> > work...she

> > > began shreiking that her diamond was missing out of her

> ring....I

> > calmly

> > > reminded her that not too lond ago she told me she was changing

> > > stone...having smething else made...and of course I was

> > > " confused " ...mistaken,and on and on...she got academy award

for

> her

> > > degree of pity pot..whispering " how could someone steal from

me

> > when I

> > > am so honest and generous with everyone I know...on and

> on...with

> > each

> > > phone call the drama level increased...I felt so disgusted with

> > > her...anyway she actually called the police...and a report was

> > > made...she said how staying alone really scared her more than

> > ever,and

> > > how happy she was having me home to " help her " .I am sorry that

> > when I

> > > felt like my head was gonna blow off I made the awful mistake

of

> > trying

> > > to tell she needed to get herself together..maybe even as an

in-

> > patient

> > > ...and by the end of that conversation it was me who needed

> > psychiatric

> > > help..not her ...and then the " why are you so hateful towards

me

> > > " started and on and on....twisting around what the cop had

said

> to

> > > her..obcessing over who stole from hher....I told her I would

> stay

> > until

> > > sun came up and then I was leaving...I collapsed exhausted and

> > achy on

> > > her sofa...her right there at the other end...this morning she

> was

> > > overly sweet...sicken sweet in fact...apologized for her being

> > upset

> > > about her being robbed....grrr....so long story shorter...she

> had

> > one of

> > > her " I am blind " episodes...I ignored her but it was

tough...she

> > laid on

> > > the couch...I left for long enough to get her dogs some food

and

> a

> > few

> > > dog toys...came back and spend some quality time washing her

> cars

> > and

> > > garage and playing with her dogs...I so love them ..one is 12

> and

> > very

> > > sick,and the other is 1 and huge..already 100

pounds...shepards

> are

> > > awesome...he spends most of the time in his cage however...and

so

> > > playing with him outside was special...for them and for me as

> > > well....it was beautiful out side today so I didn't mind

staying

> > there

> > > until she decided she was allright again..and right around 4pm

> she

> > did

> > > just that and wanted to go to her restaurant and ....on and on

> and

> > > on...I told her I was leaving to see my son..my dog...and do

> some

> > of the

> > > things I have to do in my life....she tried the list of button

> > > pushing..I held my ground and left..I waited a couple of hours

> and

> > > called to find she wasn't answering her phones..so I said oh

> > > well...guess you're busy...and oh being scared is an awful way

to

> > > live..call me if you need me...silent treatment!!! Yeah!! I am

so

> > > tired,and yet I keep looking for signs she cares about anyone

> > besides

> > > herself all the time...and why she steals...and lies about

> > > everything...all the time...no wonder she's unhappy....I went

to

> > book

> > > store on my way home and got the SWOE book and the

> workbook...also

> > > Surviving the Borderline Parent....I Can't wait to get to

reading

> > > them...Sorry so long... sometimes find myself all knotted up

> > > emotionally...and then physically...the back pain...the

> > headaches...the

> > > intense anger I feel from all the years of my life wasted on

> > > her...her,her,her...I matter too...and I cannot wait to

> > move...taking

> > > my dog,my books,and sentimental things...the rest is all

> > hers...came

> > > from her...can remain here with her..I want NO reminders..this

> > time I'm

> > > never looking back.Thanks for all your support..

> > >

> > > Unbroken (might end up with a different nickname

before

> > all is

> > > said and done!!! Goodnight Everyone...

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >