Re: Anyone reading Surviving A Borderline Parent by Roth & Friedman

[Guest guest]

Joanna,

Welcome. I'm new too-joined last week. Although my FADA is actually

a FADA-in law, he is much like a FADA since I am 44 and came into his

son's life at age 14. Thirty years of this man's abuse to me and 44

years toward his son, whom I love, qualify me as K.O. Yes, graves

and dying are a preoccupation!! Since I can remember, he has been

visiting people's graves and even taking photographs there! There

are several particulary warm photos of him enjoying a can of beer

over this or that relative's gravestone. He also has a preoccupation

of going to funerals and wakes--no matter how distant a relationship

is, he will never miss the opportunity to go to a funeral. My

husband and I view this as another cherished opportunity to have a

captive audience to talk about HIMSELF, despite the fact that people

are there mourning a loved-one's death... not to see HIM. This would

never occur to him though. ALWAYS-- the topic is HIM, no matter what

the event is about. He also loves a free-meal and a chance to have

free alcohol, so a party's a party, whether it's a funeral or not.

We call him the " funeral crasher. " When I met this man, he was 36

or so and must have said a thousand times that he would not " make 60 "

because the men in his family die before they get to 60. While in

his 50's, he had an x-ray scare and thought he had lung cancer.

Turned out to be shadow and not cancer, but he had already called his

children and left messages on all of our machines that he was dying

and what shirt and tie he wanted to wear in his coffin. SICKO. Now

he's 64 and still kicking, but did have a bout of colon cancer, which

is now in remission. Still, he badgers anyone who will listen with

the details of his medical life. He even emails my young sons about

his cancer and how they should pray for him-- guess I need to block

his email now that we are No-Contact with him. So, yes, I can relate

to the morbid side of BPDs.

Elle

>

> I just joined this group today, and I can't believe how relieved I

> am

> to find people with similar problems. I've actually been laughing

a

> little, b/c the things that would sound so bizarre to " normal

> people " , I can totally relate to. Just this w/e, after a

> particularly crazy visit to see my BP Nada, my sister and I were

> talkign about her fascination with death. Once, when we were about

> 7

> and 10, she took us and my father to a cemetary and said they

needed

> to buy plots, b/c they were probably going to die soon. She talked

> about who would raise us and how they wouldn;t really want

children,

> so we'd have to work. Just this last w/e she told me that she had

> purchased crypts for me, my sister, my daughter, and the daughter I

> have yet to adopt. How weird is that? She was ALWAYS telling us

> that our father was

> going to die of a heart attack, and it would be our fault. She

> threatened to kill us all once. She is now 70 and my father died

> one

> year ago at age 78. I thank God that he now is at peace. He is

now

> finally away from her. I worried my whole life every day that he

> would die, and I couldn't bear it, but after watching him suffer

> with

> rerenal failure, I was ok with his death. No more invasive

> procedures, so more hospital stays. She can't accept it. She's

> lost

> heher trump card (the threat of his death). She knows that I can

> cut

> off contact now if I so desire (even though I do feel guilty). My

> sister thinks we should cut off contact.

>

> It is so wonderful to hear other people talk about having similar

> experiences with their parents. To know i'm not alone, it's not

> just

> me, it's not my fault, and that the guilt and manipulation are

> common.

>

> Joanna

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