Re: A New Year's Issue

[Guest guest]

I can understand your husband not getting it - there are many people

out there that don't. There is also, still a stigma attached to any

kind of mental health treatment. It seems where emotions are

concerned, many people think we should just do as your husband

suggests. Now, if we had appendicitis, or pneumonia, or an infected

toe, we would be told to get to the hospital or doctor immediately.

There are many aspect to a person's being - the physical, the

mental, the emotional, the spiritual. We need to be healthy in all

areas in order to realize our full potential.

I don't know how to change your husband's opinion of mental health

care, but I think that is the major issue. And the second issue is

why doesn't he trust you to be able to determine what you need in

order to heal? As you state, you can afford it, and there are worse

things you could be doing with your money. I think if you can work

through these two issues with hubby, you might see a resolution to

your problem.

One thing that may help - if he will listen/read - is to help him

understand how the behavior of a BPD parent affects the core of a

child's being. The tenets of basic child psychology explain what

happens when a child is raised in a healthy environment versus an

unhealthy environment. From " Surviving a Borderline Parent " - 'If

coping with BPD behaviors is difficult, being raised by someone with

an uncontrolled, unacknowledged, or untreated pervasive personality

disorder can be emotionally devastating.' Does he understand that

we have to reparent ourselves in order to overcome the abusive/bad

parenting that we received as children?

My last therapist talked about the European view of mental health -

where people expected to see a therapist on a regular basis just to

keep themselves in good mental health.

Good luck,

Sylvia

>

> I have been on the Kids_of_BPD board for some time now and have

just

> joined the WTOAdultChildren1 message board for adult children of

> BPD. Reading the posts from others, as well as clarification of

some

> of my own issues, on the Kids of BPD board have been invaluable to

me

> and I believe that from the Adult Children board I will also find

> some strength and inspiration. I think that since there is some

> cross over with these two message boards as far as topic is

> concerned, I will post this on both boards. If you too happen to

be

> a member of both boards too, I apologize for the duplication.

>

> A new problem has arisen for me for the new year. Hurrah!

>

> I am 39 years old, 12 years and 2000 miles distant from my BPD

> mother. I'm an escapee. Escapee or not, I still have problems

which

> I deal with daily as a result of what I can only describe as a

> Hellish upbringing (if you could really call that an upbringing).

I

> married at 17 to get out of my mother's house and landed myself

right

> in bed with a narcissist for a 13-year sentence. Out of the

frying

> pan and into the fire. I have two daughters from my first

marriage,

> ages 19 and 20. Thankfully, they are both doing very well.

Needless

> to say, it took me until I was 30 years old to get out of a cycle

I

> didn't recognize being in and to realize that everything wasn't

all

> my fault or responsibility.

>

> I was in and out of therapy and on and off medication, primarily

to

> treat severe depression, for several years. A revolving door. I

> never seemed to get a doctor who for one, understood me, or two,

they

> thought that my core problems with my mother, in particular, were

> exaggerated. I actually had one psychiatrist tell me that

Borderline

> Personality Disorder was a myth. I really should have stuck my

Nada

> on him. He'd of been a true believer then. He'd write me a

> prescription and out the door I'd go. Medication does help the

> depression and the social anxiety, but does not address the

> underlying issues. I've always known this.

>

> Finally, this past year I found a very good psychiatrist to work

on

> issues of depression, PTSD, social phobias and agoraphobia without

> medicating me (unless a true need arises). I think I've been

doing

> very well, but the holidays are always stressful and a hard time

for

> me. I tend to sink pretty low this time of year. New Years Eve

> seemed to be my lowest point this year. I was in a pretty good

funk –

> still am. This too shall pass. I'll be ok.

>

> In response to my New Years Eve funk, my (second) husband has

raised

> some issues. He's generally an easy-going guy and occasionally I

> bend his ear about what I'm feeling and thinking, but since I have

> been seeing my current psychiatrist, he's growing impatient. He

> doesn't understand that the problems I have can all co-exist or

that

> there can be root causes to them. He thinks you have one problem

or

> the other and that problems such as these should be easily fixed

> simply by not thinking about it or focusing in on something else.

He

> believes that because I no longer have a relationship with my

mother,

> the problem is eliminated and I should stop dwelling on the past.

> The solutions should be as simple and quick as that.

Additionally,

> because of his specialty, I see a doctor who is in private

practice

> and not a PPO with or a referral from my insurance company. I pay

> for my visits out of my own pocket. My husband thinks that the

> doctor will prod me along to get more money. Rip me off. I don't

> agree. We're talking less than a year of therapy for problems

that

> have been largely ignored by entire life. We're not poor, I could

> spend my money on worse things and I believe it's worth the cost.

>

> At this time, I feel largely unsuccessful at making my husband

> understand what I feel and why I believe I should continue with my

> therapy. Any suggestions on how to explain the kind of torture a

> Nada can reap upon a child and how it's a lifelong battle to not

> succumb to the trappings? He simply doesn't get it.

>

> Thanks!

>