Re: need your advice on breaking my NC

January 4, 2008

Hey Sara Jo,

I have been NC since August with my nada. I sent her a letter

asking her to get quit drinking, and to get therapy. She wrote me

back saying that she didn't/doesn't drink that much, and that I had

to accept her, since she accepted her mother, blah, blah, blah.

Also, she has shown no signs, or any hope, of fixing our

relationship. I know I will never get an apology from her either.

I too am feeling the need to at least write her, and tell her why I

will be continuing NC with her, and to let her know that I will not

stand in the way of her seeing my kids(which is a joke as she never

showed them much attention before anyways)and to set some rules. I

am not sure what good this will do, but at this point I don't care.

I just want her to know that I mean business, and that I am serious

with the NC. I also want her to know, that I am not going to crawl

back to her, and beg for her forgiveness. This hopefully will free

me up, to move on with my life. I don't really see the two of us

across a table, or sitting on a couch together, hashing our crap

out, especially NOW knowing there isn't much I, or any amount of

counseling, will be able to help her. Plus the thought of having

her turn it all around on me, and blame me, is scary, as she always

has/does, and I honestly don't think I am any stronger now, then I

was 17 years ago, when we tried counseling then. Smarter, wiser,

but not stronger.

I really need to move on, and concentrate on my family. My kids are

wonderful, healthy, happy kids, and I need to put my focus back on

them, and my very supportive husband.

She is a sad, pathetic, old, woman who lives for the next drama to

unfold. She has her other daughter whom is happily enmeshed, and

who needs her. She also has a wimp of a husband at her beckon

call. She doesn't need me, as I don't need her. Sad but true.

I wish you luck Sara, you have helped me through this trama, more

than you could ever know. Let us know what you plan, and I will do

the same....drlingirl

>

> Hello everyone.

> I have been NC with NADA since November 15th. When i stopped

talking

> to her, I didn't plan on being NC forever. But when I went NC i

> didn't give her any reasons for doing so. she hung up the phone on

me

> one day, and i haven't called her since. and she would rather die

> than " make the first move " and call me.

> Eventually in the near future i would like to talk to her again.

But

> seeing as there will be no " reasoning " with her, i don't know how

to

> do it. I thought about writing a letter telling her how I feel

about

> everything...ive never told her about how i felt about her as a

mom

> or anything like what i talk about on the boards here.

> ive written my mother several letters over the years, mostly when

i

> was younger and still living at home as a child. i would write her

> letters of remore and apology for being such a bad kid, and how

sorry

> i was for doing wrong. she loved those letters, and saved all of

> them. if i write this letter and send it to her, before she opens

it

> she will expect it to be another apology letter like she used to

get

> from me. but it wont be, and i don't know how she will react to

it.

>

> i don't know where to go from here. i plan on talking to my

therapist

> about this before i take action. but i don't know how to word

> anything if i decide to write it.

>

> have any of you wrote similar letters to your NADA's or FADA's?

Can

> you give me examples of what you wrote and how you wrote it?

>

> Should I just leave things the way they are and not worry about

> telling her anything?

>

> Any advice is appreciated. You all help me so much....and this

board

> has been the biggest help for me getting through all this with my

> mom. Thank you so much.

>

January 4, 2008

Hi Sara Jo, I never wrote anything to my mother. I once did state the

things that I was sick of and wouldn't tolerate anymore. She actually

took it pretty well at the time. However, it really didn't change her

in any basic way. I think I knew it wouldn't, but it felt good for me

to be able to say it to her. I think in your situation you should

continue as you started and give it plenty of time. She hung up on

you and you are doing exactly the right thing. Give her plenty of

time to consider and wonder what she has done. She just might on some

level see some of the truth of how she is with you. If not, at least

she will think twice before hanging up on you again. I'm sure your

therapist will have good ideas on this. Of course, it goes without

saying that this is your life and your relationship and anything you

decide will be respected by all here.

This whole process is a trial and error sort of thing and not the same

thing works in every situation. But one thing is common throughout it

all and that is that toxic people generally don't change that much and

if we don't protect outselves with good strong boundaries they will

mow you down, suck the life force from you, and steal all of your

peace in life. Dee

>

> Hello everyone.

> I have been NC with NADA since November 15th. When i stopped talking

> to her, I didn't plan on being NC forever. But when I went NC i

> didn't give her any reasons for doing so. she hung up the phone on me

> one day, and i haven't called her since. and she would rather die

> than " make the first move " and call me.

> Eventually in the near future i would like to talk to her again. But

> seeing as there will be no " reasoning " with her, i don't know how to

> do it. I thought about writing a letter telling her how I feel about

> everything...ive never told her about how i felt about her as a mom

> or anything like what i talk about on the boards here.

> ive written my mother several letters over the years, mostly when i

> was younger and still living at home as a child. i would write her

> letters of remore and apology for being such a bad kid, and how sorry

> i was for doing wrong. she loved those letters, and saved all of

> them. if i write this letter and send it to her, before she opens it

> she will expect it to be another apology letter like she used to get

> from me. but it wont be, and i don't know how she will react to it.

>

> i don't know where to go from here. i plan on talking to my therapist

> about this before i take action. but i don't know how to word

> anything if i decide to write it.

>

> have any of you wrote similar letters to your NADA's or FADA's? Can

> you give me examples of what you wrote and how you wrote it?

>

> Should I just leave things the way they are and not worry about

> telling her anything?

>

> Any advice is appreciated. You all help me so much....and this board

> has been the biggest help for me getting through all this with my

> mom. Thank you so much.

>

January 4, 2008

Wow! You're speaking my language. I was just telling someone today

that people (like my mom) want you to be where they are. She is in a

hole and wants to suck me down into it with her. Right now, she's in

the hospital (she has Crohn's disease) and the other day I was giving

her some information and as usual she was being short, and abrupt

with me (I was walking on eggshells). I'm an only child and I need

to do things for her. But she treats me like crap. So . . . I

stopped her and told her to be nice to me. Of course she wanted to

argue about it and I told her the only thing I expect from her is to

be nice. I told her she had my number and to call if she needed

anything, otherwise I wouldn't bother her. About an hour later she

called, and she was a completely different person. She actually

thanked me and said she appreciated what I'm doing for her. Of

course I'm wondering if there was a nurse in the room and she was

putting on a performance. . . . I have been saying lately that she is

toxic and I cannot allow her to contaminate my home, and my

children. I am changing the rules. I have had it with being

manipulated and brainwashed into thinking that I'm doing something

wrong. In addition to her BPD, she is a compulsive hoarder (no one

is allowed in) and she has Crohn's. She has isolated herself from

everyone and is living like a hermit. She is one messed up person

and I must protect myself and my family from her destructive

behaviors. As far as writing a letter, I feel I'm beyond that. I

don't feel the need to explain myself. I just want her to know that

I will not tolerate her behavior anymore. She just needs to treat me

with respect and if not, she's going to be a very lonely person.

Thanks for the good vent.

Catfluff

> >

> > Hello everyone.

> > I have been NC with NADA since November 15th. When i stopped

talking

> > to her, I didn't plan on being NC forever. But when I went NC i

> > didn't give her any reasons for doing so. she hung up the phone

on me

> > one day, and i haven't called her since. and she would rather die

> > than " make the first move " and call me.

> > Eventually in the near future i would like to talk to her again.

But

> > seeing as there will be no " reasoning " with her, i don't know how

to

> > do it. I thought about writing a letter telling her how I feel

about

> > everything...ive never told her about how i felt about her as a

mom

> > or anything like what i talk about on the boards here.

> > ive written my mother several letters over the years, mostly when

i

> > was younger and still living at home as a child. i would write

her

> > letters of remore and apology for being such a bad kid, and how

sorry

> > i was for doing wrong. she loved those letters, and saved all of

> > them. if i write this letter and send it to her, before she opens

it

> > she will expect it to be another apology letter like she used to

get

> > from me. but it wont be, and i don't know how she will react to

it.

> >

> > i don't know where to go from here. i plan on talking to my

therapist

> > about this before i take action. but i don't know how to word

> > anything if i decide to write it.

> >

> > have any of you wrote similar letters to your NADA's or FADA's?

Can

> > you give me examples of what you wrote and how you wrote it?

> >

> > Should I just leave things the way they are and not worry about

> > telling her anything?

> >

> > Any advice is appreciated. You all help me so much....and this

board

> > has been the biggest help for me getting through all this with my

> > mom. Thank you so much.

> >

>

January 4, 2008

My nada/fada have one expectation/fantasy: for me to come crawling

back to them on my hands and knees begging forgiveness. It's my job

to absorb all their crap w/o a word... " NO BACKTALK! "

No relationship is worth that. I prefer NC, but I sometimes feel

weird & guilty...especially when I'm around people who seem to have

happy families.

> >

> > Hello everyone.

> > I have been NC with NADA since November 15th. When i stopped

> talking

> > to her, I didn't plan on being NC forever. But when I went NC i

> > didn't give her any reasons for doing so. she hung up the phone

on

> me

> > one day, and i haven't called her since. and she would rather die

> > than " make the first move " and call me.

> > Eventually in the near future i would like to talk to her again.

> But

> > seeing as there will be no " reasoning " with her, i don't know how

> to

> > do it. I thought about writing a letter telling her how I feel

> about

> > everything...ive never told her about how i felt about her as a

> mom

> > or anything like what i talk about on the boards here.

> > ive written my mother several letters over the years, mostly when

> i

> > was younger and still living at home as a child. i would write

her

> > letters of remore and apology for being such a bad kid, and how

> sorry

> > i was for doing wrong. she loved those letters, and saved all of

> > them. if i write this letter and send it to her, before she opens

> it

> > she will expect it to be another apology letter like she used to

> get

> > from me. but it wont be, and i don't know how she will react to

> it.

> >

> > i don't know where to go from here. i plan on talking to my

> therapist

> > about this before i take action. but i don't know how to word

> > anything if i decide to write it.

> >

> > have any of you wrote similar letters to your NADA's or FADA's?

> Can

> > you give me examples of what you wrote and how you wrote it?

> >

> > Should I just leave things the way they are and not worry about

> > telling her anything?

> >

> > Any advice is appreciated. You all help me so much....and this

> board

> > has been the biggest help for me getting through all this with my

> > mom. Thank you so much.

> >

>

January 4, 2008

Hi Sara Jo,

I have been in your situation many many times before, and I know the

feeling of worry in your stomach. You are a wonderful daughter and

you worry about her happiness. I know the anxiety and frustration

you feel. I have tried many things after breaking NC with my nada.

One of them was a letter to express to her how I felt. She read it

and called me to tell me thank you for expressing myself to her and

she would think about things...yeah, finally! The next day it was

like the letter never happened....she completely forgot! And she

went back to her old ways. If I brought up the letter today, she

would say " what letter " ?

This has happened several times in my experience. I kept hoping for

a different outcome, but she will never change. The only person who

could change is me--so now I focus on my feelings and needs.

I have found that most of the time, the best course of action is to

write a letter to her and keep it to myself. It helps me get rid of

my anger and makes me realize where the hurt is actually coming from.

I say do whatever you need to do to feel better---write her, call

her, whatever---but do it with YOU in mind. What will make YOU feel

better? Don't worry about her---she will not change and will

forget/ignore that you even addressed the matter. As long as you

realize that, you will feel better. Don't expect her to change, but

know that once you recognize your feelings you're doing what counts.

I hope this helps...

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " Sara Jo "

wrote:

>

> Hello everyone.

> I have been NC with NADA since November 15th. When i stopped

talking

> to her, I didn't plan on being NC forever. But when I went NC i

> didn't give her any reasons for doing so. she hung up the phone on

me

> one day, and i haven't called her since. and she would rather die

> than " make the first move " and call me.

> Eventually in the near future i would like to talk to her again.

But

> seeing as there will be no " reasoning " with her, i don't know how

to

> do it. I thought about writing a letter telling her how I feel

about

> everything...ive never told her about how i felt about her as a

mom

> or anything like what i talk about on the boards here.

> ive written my mother several letters over the years, mostly when

i

> was younger and still living at home as a child. i would write her

> letters of remore and apology for being such a bad kid, and how

sorry

> i was for doing wrong. she loved those letters, and saved all of

> them. if i write this letter and send it to her, before she opens

it

> she will expect it to be another apology letter like she used to

get

> from me. but it wont be, and i don't know how she will react to

it.

>

> i don't know where to go from here. i plan on talking to my

therapist

> about this before i take action. but i don't know how to word

> anything if i decide to write it.

>

> have any of you wrote similar letters to your NADA's or FADA's?

Can

> you give me examples of what you wrote and how you wrote it?

>

> Should I just leave things the way they are and not worry about

> telling her anything?

>

> Any advice is appreciated. You all help me so much....and this

board

> has been the biggest help for me getting through all this with my

> mom. Thank you so much.

>

January 4, 2008

Why not just move forward and when you're ready, give her a call and

invite her to lunch (or whatever you guys enjoy doing) -- your

newfound self will send as much of a message as a letter. A letter

might inflame things more -- and for what purpose? She'll get

defensive, possibly hysterical, and you'll be right back where you

are now.

How about being cheerful and polite, invite her to lunch or

whatever, and then, during your interaction, YOU be ready with some

handy memorized phrases to keep the two of you from going into

problem areas. If she gets demanding of " answers " to pressing

questions (beyond simple statements you can give her), or rude, or

belligerent, you can simply politely excuse yourself and leave.

Enough of those interactions will teach her how to treat you, and

that you've changed. (My therapist told me to tell my parents, if

they asked " What's happened to you?! " to simply answer " I've

changed " . I don't need to fall all over myself justifying or

explaining to them.

Why not just move forward positively and " demonstrate " how she is to

treat you? You can do it -- it just takes a little courage the

first couple of times.

-Kyla

\

>

> Hello everyone.

> I have been NC with NADA since November 15th. When i stopped

talking

> to her, I didn't plan on being NC forever. But when I went NC i

> didn't give her any reasons for doing so. she hung up the phone on

me

> one day, and i haven't called her since. and she would rather die

> than " make the first move " and call me.

> Eventually in the near future i would like to talk to her again.

But

> seeing as there will be no " reasoning " with her, i don't know how

to

> do it. I thought about writing a letter telling her how I feel

about

> everything...ive never told her about how i felt about her as a

mom

> or anything like what i talk about on the boards here.

> ive written my mother several letters over the years, mostly when

i

> was younger and still living at home as a child. i would write her

> letters of remore and apology for being such a bad kid, and how

sorry

> i was for doing wrong. she loved those letters, and saved all of

> them. if i write this letter and send it to her, before she opens

it

> she will expect it to be another apology letter like she used to

get

> from me. but it wont be, and i don't know how she will react to

it.

>

> i don't know where to go from here. i plan on talking to my

therapist

> about this before i take action. but i don't know how to word

> anything if i decide to write it.

>

> have any of you wrote similar letters to your NADA's or FADA's?

Can

> you give me examples of what you wrote and how you wrote it?

>

> Should I just leave things the way they are and not worry about

> telling her anything?

>

> Any advice is appreciated. You all help me so much....and this

board

> has been the biggest help for me getting through all this with my

> mom. Thank you so much.

>

January 4, 2008

to all who replied to my post...

Thanks for your response.

To be honest,I'm not ready for a face to face confrontation with her.

I don't think i can handle it without breaking down.

NADA won't go to lunch with me if i ask her. She doesn't like to

leave her " castle " very much. Especially if she is so hurt and upset.

Even when things were good it was like pulling teeth to get her out

of the house, and then later she would tell me how hurt she was that

i didn't take her anywhere when she wanted to go.

I just feel the need to express how I feel. She thinks she was this

great mom that " sacraficed everything " for her kids, and was

completely selfless. i want to tell her otherwise. she is competely

unaware that she has hurt me in anyway.

calling her or seeing her and being nice and cheerful is just what i

used to do when we had a problem before i was more aware of NADA's

undiagnosed BPD problem. I don't want to do it again.

I've tried setting limits and boundaries with NADA in the past during

conversations with her and it doesn't work. because i was painted

white growing up, she expects MORE from me.

A couple weeks ago NADA told my sister " i can't belive sara is doing

this (being NC). I would expect it from YOU, susan, but not from

sara " .

what a terrible thing to say to my sister.

I guess im just feeling the anger now, and want to tell her about it.

but i don't want to see her.

im glad you all replied to my post, it made me realize more that im

not ready to contact her yet.

thanks to all.

~Sara Jo

> >

> > Hello everyone.

> > I have been NC with NADA since November 15th. When i stopped

> talking

> > to her, I didn't plan on being NC forever. But when I went NC i

> > didn't give her any reasons for doing so. she hung up the phone

on

> me

> > one day, and i haven't called her since. and she would rather die

> > than " make the first move " and call me.

> > Eventually in the near future i would like to talk to her again.

> But

> > seeing as there will be no " reasoning " with her, i don't know how

> to

> > do it. I thought about writing a letter telling her how I feel

> about

> > everything...ive never told her about how i felt about her as a

> mom

> > or anything like what i talk about on the boards here.

> > ive written my mother several letters over the years, mostly when

> i

> > was younger and still living at home as a child. i would write

her

> > letters of remore and apology for being such a bad kid, and how

> sorry

> > i was for doing wrong. she loved those letters, and saved all of

> > them. if i write this letter and send it to her, before she opens

> it

> > she will expect it to be another apology letter like she used to

> get

> > from me. but it wont be, and i don't know how she will react to

> it.

> >

> > i don't know where to go from here. i plan on talking to my

> therapist

> > about this before i take action. but i don't know how to word

> > anything if i decide to write it.

> >

> > have any of you wrote similar letters to your NADA's or FADA's?

> Can

> > you give me examples of what you wrote and how you wrote it?

> >

> > Should I just leave things the way they are and not worry about

> > telling her anything?

> >

> > Any advice is appreciated. You all help me so much....and this

> board

> > has been the biggest help for me getting through all this with my

> > mom. Thank you so much.

> >

>

January 4, 2008

Me, too! That sums up my situation exactly.

> > >

> > > Hello everyone.

> > > I have been NC with NADA since November 15th. When i stopped

> > talking

> > > to her, I didn't plan on being NC forever. But when I went NC

i

> > > didn't give her any reasons for doing so. she hung up the

phone

> on

> > me

> > > one day, and i haven't called her since. and she would rather

die

> > > than " make the first move " and call me.

> > > Eventually in the near future i would like to talk to her

again.

> > But

> > > seeing as there will be no " reasoning " with her, i don't know

how

> > to

> > > do it. I thought about writing a letter telling her how I feel

> > about

> > > everything...ive never told her about how i felt about her as

a

> > mom

> > > or anything like what i talk about on the boards here.

> > > ive written my mother several letters over the years, mostly

when

> > i

> > > was younger and still living at home as a child. i would write

> her

> > > letters of remore and apology for being such a bad kid, and

how

> > sorry

> > > i was for doing wrong. she loved those letters, and saved all

of

> > > them. if i write this letter and send it to her, before she

opens

> > it

> > > she will expect it to be another apology letter like she used

to

> > get

> > > from me. but it wont be, and i don't know how she will react

to

> > it.

> > >

> > > i don't know where to go from here. i plan on talking to my

> > therapist

> > > about this before i take action. but i don't know how to word

> > > anything if i decide to write it.

> > >

> > > have any of you wrote similar letters to your NADA's or

FADA's?

> > Can

> > > you give me examples of what you wrote and how you wrote it?

> > >

> > > Should I just leave things the way they are and not worry

about

> > > telling her anything?

> > >

> > > Any advice is appreciated. You all help me so much....and this

> > board

> > > has been the biggest help for me getting through all this with

my

> > > mom. Thank you so much.

> > >

> >

>

January 4, 2008

This is exactly what is keeping me from going back in, her damn

expectations!!! Suck it up, accept it, ignore it, don't talk about

it. If I thought for one moment it would be safe, and my feelings

would be validated, and sincere apologies made, I would jump through

hoops at the chance of going back in with her.

I am not an unreasonable person.....my nada is. I am not an

unforgiving person either, she is. My guilty feelings makes me feel

otherwise. I feel unforgiving, unreasonable, unlovable.....because

she makes me feel this way......NO ONE else in my life does this to

me but her.

No back talk, even though its ok that she brings it up, after a few

drinks, and in front of family, friends. She loves to fling up the

past, your mistakes, you misfortune.

Urgh.....why would anyone want to go back to that??? I need my head

examined!!! drlingirl

> > >

> > > Hello everyone.

> > > I have been NC with NADA since November 15th. When i stopped

> > talking

> > > to her, I didn't plan on being NC forever. But when I went NC

i

> > > didn't give her any reasons for doing so. she hung up the

phone

> on

> > me

> > > one day, and i haven't called her since. and she would rather

die

> > > than " make the first move " and call me.

> > > Eventually in the near future i would like to talk to her

again.

> > But

> > > seeing as there will be no " reasoning " with her, i don't know

how

> > to

> > > do it. I thought about writing a letter telling her how I feel

> > about

> > > everything...ive never told her about how i felt about her as

a

> > mom

> > > or anything like what i talk about on the boards here.

> > > ive written my mother several letters over the years, mostly

when

> > i

> > > was younger and still living at home as a child. i would write

> her

> > > letters of remore and apology for being such a bad kid, and

how

> > sorry

> > > i was for doing wrong. she loved those letters, and saved all

of

> > > them. if i write this letter and send it to her, before she

opens

> > it

> > > she will expect it to be another apology letter like she used

to

> > get

> > > from me. but it wont be, and i don't know how she will react

to

> > it.

> > >

> > > i don't know where to go from here. i plan on talking to my

> > therapist

> > > about this before i take action. but i don't know how to word

> > > anything if i decide to write it.

> > >

> > > have any of you wrote similar letters to your NADA's or

FADA's?

> > Can

> > > you give me examples of what you wrote and how you wrote it?

> > >

> > > Should I just leave things the way they are and not worry

about

> > > telling her anything?

> > >

> > > Any advice is appreciated. You all help me so much....and this

> > board

> > > has been the biggest help for me getting through all this with

my

> > > mom. Thank you so much.

> > >

> >

>

January 4, 2008

I can understand where you are -- how being " polite and cheerful "

would be difficult and inauthentic. It's a tough spot: I don't

think you'll ever convince her of what kind of mother she REALLY is,

but maybe you could take some time to get your message out to her in

some more general way. I'd sit with it awhile longer until you come

up with something. I haven't come up with much myself, but I have

gone around my parents a couple of times. I kept it upbeat because

that was the best way to keep my mother from hijacking it into

tears.

Perhaps you're thinking of this because you're feeling guilty for

the NC you're in right now. You can give yourself more time, it's

only been a couple of months -- take what time you need. You aren't

doing anything wrong by taking time for yourself. I say this

because I'm going through the same angst myself. I, too, am angry

with my mother, and constantly play in my head scenarios where I

tell her off -- tell her exactly what she's done and why I'm sick of

it and not taking it anymore. Until we can tell them how we really

feel, and what their behavior did to us, we're in a kind of limbo,

aren't we?

-Kyla

January 4, 2008

I'm definitely not ready to back in. Today I woke up screaming " I

hate you! " over & over again. Yup... a true sign of my recovery!!

HA!! (I sometimes wonder what nada dreams.)

> > > >

> > > > Hello everyone.

> > > > I have been NC with NADA since November 15th. When i stopped

> > > talking

> > > > to her, I didn't plan on being NC forever. But when I went NC

> i

> > > > didn't give her any reasons for doing so. she hung up the

> phone

> > on

> > > me

> > > > one day, and i haven't called her since. and she would rather

> die

> > > > than " make the first move " and call me.

> > > > Eventually in the near future i would like to talk to her

> again.

> > > But

> > > > seeing as there will be no " reasoning " with her, i don't know

> how

> > > to

> > > > do it. I thought about writing a letter telling her how I

feel

> > > about

> > > > everything...ive never told her about how i felt about her as

> a

> > > mom

> > > > or anything like what i talk about on the boards here.

> > > > ive written my mother several letters over the years, mostly

> when

> > > i

> > > > was younger and still living at home as a child. i would

write

> > her

> > > > letters of remore and apology for being such a bad kid, and

> how

> > > sorry

> > > > i was for doing wrong. she loved those letters, and saved all

> of

> > > > them. if i write this letter and send it to her, before she

> opens

> > > it

> > > > she will expect it to be another apology letter like she used

> to

> > > get

> > > > from me. but it wont be, and i don't know how she will react

> to

> > > it.

> > > >

> > > > i don't know where to go from here. i plan on talking to my

> > > therapist

> > > > about this before i take action. but i don't know how to word

> > > > anything if i decide to write it.

> > > >

> > > > have any of you wrote similar letters to your NADA's or

> FADA's?

> > > Can

> > > > you give me examples of what you wrote and how you wrote it?

> > > >

> > > > Should I just leave things the way they are and not worry

> about

> > > > telling her anything?

> > > >

> > > > Any advice is appreciated. You all help me so much....and

this

> > > board

> > > > has been the biggest help for me getting through all this

with

> my

> > > > mom. Thank you so much.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

January 4, 2008

Dreams are great.....I work through alot of stuff in my dreams.

Funny how I seem so much braver in them too :0)

I have told her off many times in my dreams. Once I dreamt that she

died. I woke up crying....which surprised the hell out of me. I

guess I do love her???

Not feeling the love much lately though.

Happy dreams tonight Mr.Z!!!

drlingirl

> > > > >

> > > > > Hello everyone.

> > > > > I have been NC with NADA since November 15th. When i

stopped

> > > > talking

> > > > > to her, I didn't plan on being NC forever. But when I went

NC

> > i

> > > > > didn't give her any reasons for doing so. she hung up the

> > phone

> > > on

> > > > me

> > > > > one day, and i haven't called her since. and she would

rather

> > die

> > > > > than " make the first move " and call me.

> > > > > Eventually in the near future i would like to talk to her

> > again.

> > > > But

> > > > > seeing as there will be no " reasoning " with her, i don't

know

> > how

> > > > to

> > > > > do it. I thought about writing a letter telling her how I

> feel

> > > > about

> > > > > everything...ive never told her about how i felt about her

as

> > a

> > > > mom

> > > > > or anything like what i talk about on the boards here.

> > > > > ive written my mother several letters over the years,

mostly

> > when

> > > > i

> > > > > was younger and still living at home as a child. i would

> write

> > > her

> > > > > letters of remore and apology for being such a bad kid,

and

> > how

> > > > sorry

> > > > > i was for doing wrong. she loved those letters, and saved

all

> > of

> > > > > them. if i write this letter and send it to her, before

she

> > opens

> > > > it

> > > > > she will expect it to be another apology letter like she

used

> > to

> > > > get

> > > > > from me. but it wont be, and i don't know how she will

react

> > to

> > > > it.

> > > > >

> > > > > i don't know where to go from here. i plan on talking to

my

> > > > therapist

> > > > > about this before i take action. but i don't know how to

word

> > > > > anything if i decide to write it.

> > > > >

> > > > > have any of you wrote similar letters to your NADA's or

> > FADA's?

> > > > Can

> > > > > you give me examples of what you wrote and how you wrote

it?

> > > > >

> > > > > Should I just leave things the way they are and not worry

> > about

> > > > > telling her anything?

> > > > >

> > > > > Any advice is appreciated. You all help me so much....and

> this

> > > > board

> > > > > has been the biggest help for me getting through all this

> with

> > my

> > > > > mom. Thank you so much.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

January 5, 2008

Sara Jo,

Have you done the exercises in Surviving a Borderline Parent? If

you haven't, I recommend you get this book and do them. I think

this may help you sort out the things that you are wondering about

now. Also, it is great that you are discussing all of this with

your therapist.

If you are not ready to do something - then you just aren't ready.

Try to accept that, and not have expectations that you just can't

meet at the present time. In my healing, I had a few times when I

would plateau (like in dieting). I would just get to a point where

I could no longer make any changes, and I had to accept being there

until I could again move on. I think at these times my subconscious

was taking time to process alot, and I had to just allow that to

happen.

Take care,

Sylvia

> > >

> > > Hello everyone.

> > > I have been NC with NADA since November 15th. When i stopped

> > talking

> > > to her, I didn't plan on being NC forever. But when I went NC

i

> > > didn't give her any reasons for doing so. she hung up the

phone

> on

> > me

> > > one day, and i haven't called her since. and she would rather

die

> > > than " make the first move " and call me.

> > > Eventually in the near future i would like to talk to her

again.

> > But

> > > seeing as there will be no " reasoning " with her, i don't know

how

> > to

> > > do it. I thought about writing a letter telling her how I feel

> > about

> > > everything...ive never told her about how i felt about her as

a

> > mom

> > > or anything like what i talk about on the boards here.

> > > ive written my mother several letters over the years, mostly

when

> > i

> > > was younger and still living at home as a child. i would write

> her

> > > letters of remore and apology for being such a bad kid, and

how

> > sorry

> > > i was for doing wrong. she loved those letters, and saved all

of

> > > them. if i write this letter and send it to her, before she

opens

> > it

> > > she will expect it to be another apology letter like she used

to

> > get

> > > from me. but it wont be, and i don't know how she will react

to

> > it.

> > >

> > > i don't know where to go from here. i plan on talking to my

> > therapist

> > > about this before i take action. but i don't know how to word

> > > anything if i decide to write it.

> > >

> > > have any of you wrote similar letters to your NADA's or

FADA's?

> > Can

> > > you give me examples of what you wrote and how you wrote it?

> > >

> > > Should I just leave things the way they are and not worry

about

> > > telling her anything?

> > >

> > > Any advice is appreciated. You all help me so much....and this

> > board

> > > has been the biggest help for me getting through all this with

my

> > > mom. Thank you so much.

> > >

> >

>

January 5, 2008

Hi ALL

I found this group many years ago and it helped me immeasurably to

deal with a lifetime of craziness before BPD was well understood. I

struggled to set boundaries and maintain contact with my nada who I

now believe is also narcisstic. Completely unforgiving and hateful,

yet very BPD too.

A few years back I mildly asked her not to talk to me that way, when

she into a major and vicious harangue. She them called me a few choice

names and hung up. I didnt call her back.

As she didnt know how to dial a phone herself(lol), we were out of

touch for three precious years. Of course my family vilified me, but

the peace was worth my whole life.

WHen she was supposedly dying( she has had a terrible heart condition,

which would have killed her years ago if she had a real heart) my

sister got me to agree to come home. And this was 5 years ago and I am

thoroughly sucked back in. Her husband died last month and my sister

is in trouble so cant help as much and she is even older and more

frail, and somehow I am in her clutches again.

I just rejoined this list for the very confirmation I have been

reading. But it is hard to stay detached when she really is fragile

and making bad decisions; what is the adult child's responsibility?

This child just turned 60!

But Sara Jo: I d advise enjoying every moment you can snatch away from

nada. Life was so much better; my life wasnt oriented to avoid her

rages and do whatever it was that I felt was my duty to help. I felt

free and enabled. If I hadnt gone back, they would be coping instead

of me being a necessary leg to the table.

I hear that you are young and have a lot to deal with, but I side with

those who say dont rush anything. Someday you may feel strong enough

to call her; fine. But I so miss those free years now. And my life is

getting short, and I'm still feeding her sickness.

>

> to all who replied to my post...

> Thanks for your response.

> To be honest,I'm not ready for a face to face confrontation with her.

January 5, 2008

Oh my goodness, I could have written your last few posts!

Our nadas read from the same playbook! My nada constantly, in the

name of " humor " , brings up embarrassing stuff about me from the

past, but I already know that I can't reciprocate! If I did, she'd

say " Don't get defensive! " or something like that. The bottom

line: the " humor " is one-way, doesn't apply to her. We aren't

supposed to touch the stuff she's done over the years.

I remember one in particular, she still brings up, even when it's

just the 4 of us! We've heard her say this 1,000 times, but she

keeps saying it: " I remember when Kyla was in college and she

said 'one more class and I'm DONE with English'!!! " She thought it

was funny I used the word " done " , even though that's common speech,

she thought it was funny that I used it in conjunction with an

English Class.

She never went to college (probably jealous that I did) and she uses

hillbilly slang all the time. " She ain't goin' nowhere 'til she

folds those clothes " .....She said that in front of my friends one

time when I was a teenager -- she wasn't even part of our

conversation.

Think I could bring that up next time? I think I will!!

January 5, 2008

Sylvia,

you are right. I am on a plateau i think . I think because of

this " plateau " i have felt lost...like i don't have a grip on

anything. Hence why I've been considering telling NADA how I feel.

I should know better though...telling her how i feel won't do any

good. she won't care. she will just see it as an attack on her.

I haven't read " surviving the borderline parent " yet. The only 2 ive

read is SWOE and " I hate you don't leave me " . The next one i want to

read is Understanding the Borderline Mother.

I'm working on getting the books together.

> > > >

> > > > Hello everyone.

> > > > I have been NC with NADA since November 15th. When i stopped

> > > talking

> > > > to her, I didn't plan on being NC forever. But when I went

NC

> i

> > > > didn't give her any reasons for doing so. she hung up the

> phone

> > on

> > > me

> > > > one day, and i haven't called her since. and she would

rather

> die

> > > > than " make the first move " and call me.

> > > > Eventually in the near future i would like to talk to her

> again.

> > > But

> > > > seeing as there will be no " reasoning " with her, i don't

know

> how

> > > to

> > > > do it. I thought about writing a letter telling her how I

feel

> > > about

> > > > everything...ive never told her about how i felt about her

as

> a

> > > mom

> > > > or anything like what i talk about on the boards here.

> > > > ive written my mother several letters over the years, mostly

> when

> > > i

> > > > was younger and still living at home as a child. i would

write

> > her

> > > > letters of remore and apology for being such a bad kid, and

> how

> > > sorry

> > > > i was for doing wrong. she loved those letters, and saved

all

> of

> > > > them. if i write this letter and send it to her, before she

> opens

> > > it

> > > > she will expect it to be another apology letter like she

used

> to

> > > get

> > > > from me. but it wont be, and i don't know how she will react

> to

> > > it.

> > > >

> > > > i don't know where to go from here. i plan on talking to my

> > > therapist

> > > > about this before i take action. but i don't know how to

word

> > > > anything if i decide to write it.

> > > >

> > > > have any of you wrote similar letters to your NADA's or

> FADA's?

> > > Can

> > > > you give me examples of what you wrote and how you wrote it?

> > > >

> > > > Should I just leave things the way they are and not worry

> about

> > > > telling her anything?

> > > >

> > > > Any advice is appreciated. You all help me so much....and

this

> > > board

> > > > has been the biggest help for me getting through all this

with

> my

> > > > mom. Thank you so much.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

January 5, 2008

Hey, aunt kate, good to have you back again, sorry it's necessary! --

sounds like you need some support!

I have a nada who can't dial a phone either! Also, she is hateful

and unforgiving, as you described yours to be. She HATED her father

in law her entire marriage after something he said behind her back

got back to her. She fed that hatred for the next 40 years until he

died -- hated grandma, too....I forget why.

Granted, I wouldn't like it either to hear someone talked bad about

me, but to nurse that hatred for that long was her specialty. If

grampa sent money for us kids for Christmas, she just pocketed it.

When grandma gave me some of her cast-off dresses (I loved playing

dress up in them!), she secretly got rid of them, then pretended to

know nothing as I frantically looked for them.......All due to her

seething hatred of her in-laws.

I like to compare the never-ending wellspring of hatred and

negativity of the BPD to Yellowstone's hot springs. Neverending

supply of power keeps 'em going.

Welcome back and I hope you find the help you need to deal with your

current situation. I'm sure you can find a way to balance helping

out while simultaneously holding on to your sanity.

-Kyla

January 5, 2008

Well said, Dee...

> >

> > Hello everyone.

> > I have been NC with NADA since November 15th. When i stopped

talking

> > to her, I didn't plan on being NC forever. But when I went NC i

> > didn't give her any reasons for doing so. she hung up the phone

on me

> > one day, and i haven't called her since. and she would rather

die

> > than " make the first move " and call me.

> > Eventually in the near future i would like to talk to her again.

But

> > seeing as there will be no " reasoning " with her, i don't know

how to

> > do it. I thought about writing a letter telling her how I feel

about

> > everything...ive never told her about how i felt about her as a

mom

> > or anything like what i talk about on the boards here.

> > ive written my mother several letters over the years, mostly

when i

> > was younger and still living at home as a child. i would write

her

> > letters of remore and apology for being such a bad kid, and how

sorry

> > i was for doing wrong. she loved those letters, and saved all of

> > them. if i write this letter and send it to her, before she

opens it

> > she will expect it to be another apology letter like she used to

get

> > from me. but it wont be, and i don't know how she will react to

it.

> >

> > i don't know where to go from here. i plan on talking to my

therapist

> > about this before i take action. but i don't know how to word

> > anything if i decide to write it.

> >

> > have any of you wrote similar letters to your NADA's or FADA's?

Can

> > you give me examples of what you wrote and how you wrote it?

> >

> > Should I just leave things the way they are and not worry about

> > telling her anything?

> >

> > Any advice is appreciated. You all help me so much....and this

board

> > has been the biggest help for me getting through all this with

my

> > mom. Thank you so much.

> >

>

January 5, 2008

In our case, my H wrote a long letter to his FADA explaining why he

needed to have NC. Without anger, he explained how his FADA was

never there for him and gave him no support, even kicking him when he

was down and needed it most. He mentioned some of things his father

had done as examples and said he wanted an apology. He ended by

saying he will remain NC until 3 things are in place: 1. an apology

for the verbal abuse, 2. sobriety, and 3. counseling. His father

will likely never do any of these, and we haven't spoken to him

since. In the meantime, we did hear through family members that the

letter was hanging on the refrigerator for all to see. Everything

this man does is a mockery for his martyrdom.

I doubt any letter we write to a NADA or FADA will effect any

positive change.

~Elle

> >

> > Hello everyone.

> > I have been NC with NADA since November 15th. When i stopped

> talking

> > to her, I didn't plan on being NC forever. But when I went NC i

> > didn't give her any reasons for doing so. she hung up the phone

on

> me

> > one day, and i haven't called her since. and she would rather die

> > than " make the first move " and call me.

> > Eventually in the near future i would like to talk to her again.

> But

> > seeing as there will be no " reasoning " with her, i don't know how

> to

> > do it. I thought about writing a letter telling her how I feel

> about

> > everything...ive never told her about how i felt about her as a

> mom

> > or anything like what i talk about on the boards here.

> > ive written my mother several letters over the years, mostly when

> i

> > was younger and still living at home as a child. i would write

her

> > letters of remore and apology for being such a bad kid, and how

> sorry

> > i was for doing wrong. she loved those letters, and saved all of

> > them. if i write this letter and send it to her, before she opens

> it

> > she will expect it to be another apology letter like she used to

> get

> > from me. but it wont be, and i don't know how she will react to

> it.

> >

> > i don't know where to go from here. i plan on talking to my

> therapist

> > about this before i take action. but i don't know how to word

> > anything if i decide to write it.

> >

> > have any of you wrote similar letters to your NADA's or FADA's?

> Can

> > you give me examples of what you wrote and how you wrote it?

> >

> > Should I just leave things the way they are and not worry about

> > telling her anything?

> >

> > Any advice is appreciated. You all help me so much....and this

> board

> > has been the biggest help for me getting through all this with my

> > mom. Thank you so much.

> >

>

January 5, 2008

Hi Sara,

I first want to ask the question...what does NC stand for? I looked in

the files and couldn't find a definition for this.

Even though I don't understand the definition for this abbreviation I

do get what his happening here since I've experienced it myself many

times. I spent 8 years not speaking to my mother.

I do want to caution you on writing your mother a letter and pouring

your heart out to her. I want you to ask yourself if someone wrote you

a letter that was filled with nothing but, what you'd consider,

insulting comments, how would you take it? I'm sure you'd be

devastated and you'd totally disregard these comments as being

vengeful, you're not deserving of them, how dare they, all the

things you've done for them, and… you would not change one

thing. This is atypical of people. It doesn't matter if you have

BPD or not. So if you are looking for a victimized response from your

mother I say go for it.

I have to wonder if we aren't addicted to the BPDs dramas. Now bare

with me for a moment. My thought process will become clear. You see,

I'm not in the " blame game " anymore. I'm in the

" let's face it " game.

I've been studying chemical reactions in the body looking for a

more definitive explanation for this and any other repetitive behavior

disorders/disconnects. I have discovered some pretty interesting

things.

There have been recent studies done that show when a child is

traumatized within the first few years of their life they`re

neurotransmitter/hormones break with the healthier pathways and develop

an addicting harmful pathway from that traumatic moment on throughout

their life. They are now hard wired to reenact their trauma whenever a

similar emotionally identified situation pops up.

The BPDs in our life can't follow our logic when we are addressing

a heated situation because they are reliving their childhood drama while

you are dealing with the issue at hand. You two are talking about two

different situations. Has your mother ever said something that just

doesn't makes since in the context of where you two are in the

moment? That's because she's unwittingly relating to an earlier

incident in her life. She's frustrated and trying to resolve what

happened then….now.

The best thing, I've found, to do when I'm in this situation is

to say something like, I have " something or other " to do right

now and have to leave. When I get " something or other " done I

will drop back by/call you and we will pick this up later. Totally

disregard anything that comes out of her mouth as you leave. I even

chuckle now when she does that and it does disarm her somewhat. At

this point I am in observation mode which is an extremely powerful place

to be. I have not been pulled into her drama as has happened all too

many times. I do this on the phone as well. I tell her, when she gets

into that volatile state, that I have to go and will call her back a

little later. When you call them later they are usually in a more

comprehensive state once they've had a moment to themselves.

I think part of our difficulty in dealing with the BPDs in our lives is

that they are hard wired to relive their dramas forever trying to

resolve the incident/s that traumatized them in life and we, on the

other hand, are hard wired to be pulled into their dramas by, feeling

their pain, wanting to save them, and feeling powerless. We keep

falling into this drama too. We are addicted to the particular

neurotransmitters pathway that contributes to this captive behavior.

So, what can we do? We certainly don't deserve to experience this

perpetual loop of exacerbating emotions.

Well, we know that we can't change these BPDs in our lives. They

have certainly proven that over and over again to no avail. They are

never going to see themselves as the victimizer because they are forever

living as a victim. And to tell you the truth, at some point they have

been which is why they are stuck in a neurotransmitter/hormonal looping

thing. There has been no resolution for them. They can't see their

way out, where you, on the other hand, are much stronger, brighter, and

resilient than they are. You're at least cognizant and aware.

This brings me to my heartfelt applause to everyone here. You are

extremely gifted in your ability to understand that something was wrong

with the behavior you experienced from your parent/s growing up. To be

able to differentiate what is good or bad without the proper example is

an amazing fete. You have every right to be ultimately pleased with

this significant accomplishment and commend yourselves for a journey

well traveled.

You have done something that your parent/s couldn't do. And since

we know that we can't change them, because of that " loopty

loo " thing, then we'd probably experience the greater success

working on that which we know we can change….. us.

I agree that it doesn't seem equitable that they get out of

recognizing their responsibility in all of this as they spinelessly

cower in their emotional cocoon. But the harder you push the harder

they dig their heels in. The atypical human behavior kicks in and

you're in the " loop " .

So what I'm doing is working on ways to change my

neurotransmitter/hormones pathways. This is my own personal theory.

Nothing has been proven yet. But I think we can do that by educating

ourselves as to what is going on within ourselves and what is triggering

our behavior chemically. We already know what happens to engage us in

this perpetual game. What most of us aren't aware of is what are

the dominant chemicals that are surging through us during these

stressful interactions and what are the behavioral tendencies attributed

to them. For me learning this has been extremely helpful in my work

towards emotional evolution. Below I've included some links to 3

twenty minute, one 4 minute Google Videos . They are of a lecture and

it is just a lecture so it's a bit unexciting and lacks the pomp a

lot of videos have today. But they are very interesting in that they

explain the chemicals responsible for behavior and you can pick out what

type of neurotransmitter/hormone addict you are. You can also figure

out which neurotransmitter/hormone addict your parent/s is/are, but my

suggestion is not fixate on that. They are hopelessly looped.

Now that you know what your proclivities are you can start working on

changing your responses and acceptance of their behavior (remember you

can't change them and no it is not fair). You can do a little

exercise throughout the day to practice maintaining " Joy " and

" Happiness " (the state you deserve to live in all the time).

Whenever you can think of it during the day close your eyes and reflect

back to an experience that made you overflow with " Joy " and

" Happiness " . Now hold that feeling that comes up for you as

along as you possibly can. Notice how you aren't able to hold the

feeling for all that long. That's because this is a weakened

neurotransmitter/hormonal pathway. You've got to strengthen it like

any muscle in your body. The good news is that you can do this

anywhere, or anytime. So do it in those waiting rooms, the check out

line, or anywhere else you feel like. One caution though. It will

aggravate the hell out of the BPD's in your life so you don't

want to look too happy in front of them. You want to keep it toned

down.

I would also suggest that you Pray/Meditate for 20 minutes twice a day

strengthening this unaccustomed emotional neuro pathway. Doing it once

a day is good too. You just want to find a quiet place where you can

bond and identify with this " Joyful " pathway. When you own it

your body will make the necessary chemical changes to make

" Happiness " your automatic neurotransmitter/hormonal pathway

instead of the miserable one.

Our bodies want to do what we want but we never let them know what that

is. So these shells, of chemical reactions, simply find a pattern and

stick with it. I believe we can change that through diligent effort on

our part. And once you've built some fortitude, and accept where the

BPs in your life are in this process, you will have immeasurable

freedom. You will be able to concentrate on being or living the life of

your dreams. But you need to work on changing your automated neuro

pathway.

Below are the videos I mentioned earlier. It is simply a lecture but

well worth listening to:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5540878620359856820 & q=dopamine%2\

C+serotonine & total=17 & start=0 & num=10 & so=0 & type=search & plindex=3

<http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5540878620359856820 & q=dopamine%\

2C+serotonine & total=17 & start=0 & num=10 & so=0 & type=search & plindex=3>

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5988552032873705158

<http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5988552032873705158>

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3509167970237089398

<http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3509167970237089398>

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=1753531776804182700

<http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=1753531776804182700>

Namaste!

Pamela

> > >

> > > Hello everyone.

> > > I have been NC with NADA since November 15th. When i stopped

> > talking

> > > to her, I didn't plan on being NC forever. But when I went NC i

> > > didn't give her any reasons for doing so. she hung up the phone

> on

> > me

> > > one day, and i haven't called her since. and she would rather die

> > > than " make the first move " and call me.

> > > Eventually in the near future i would like to talk to her again.

> > But

> > > seeing as there will be no " reasoning " with her, i don't know how

> > to

> > > do it. I thought about writing a letter telling her how I feel

> > about

> > > everything...ive never told her about how i felt about her as a

> > mom

> > > or anything like what i talk about on the boards here.

> > > ive written my mother several letters over the years, mostly when

> > i

> > > was younger and still living at home as a child. i would write

> her

> > > letters of remore and apology for being such a bad kid, and how

> > sorry

> > > i was for doing wrong. she loved those letters, and saved all of

> > > them. if i write this letter and send it to her, before she opens

> > it

> > > she will expect it to be another apology letter like she used to

> > get

> > > from me. but it wont be, and i don't know how she will react to

> > it.

> > >

> > > i don't know where to go from here. i plan on talking to my

> > therapist

> > > about this before i take action. but i don't know how to word

> > > anything if i decide to write it.

> > >

> > > have any of you wrote similar letters to your NADA's or FADA's?

> > Can

> > > you give me examples of what you wrote and how you wrote it?

> > >

> > > Should I just leave things the way they are and not worry about

> > > telling her anything?

> > >

> > > Any advice is appreciated. You all help me so much....and this

> > board

> > > has been the biggest help for me getting through all this with my

> > > mom. Thank you so much.

> > >

> >

>

January 5, 2008

Hi Pamela,

thanks for the links - -I'm going to watch them now.

In answer to your first question -- NC stands for No Contact and LC stands for

Low Contact.

AZClown

Re: need your advice on breaking my NC

Hi Sara,

I first want to ask the question...what does NC stand for? I looked in

the files and couldn't find a definition for this.

Even though I don't understand the definition for this abbreviation I

do get what his happening here since I've experienced it myself many

times. I spent 8 years not speaking to my mother.

I do want to caution you on writing your mother a letter and pouring

your heart out to her. I want you to ask yourself if someone wrote you

a letter that was filled with nothing but, what you'd consider,

insulting comments, how would you take it? I'm sure you'd be

devastated and you'd totally disregard these comments as being

vengeful, you're not deserving of them, how dare they, all the

things you've done for them, and… you would not change one

thing. This is atypical of people. It doesn't matter if you have

BPD or not. So if you are looking for a victimized response from your

mother I say go for it.

I have to wonder if we aren't addicted to the BPDs dramas. Now bare

with me for a moment. My thought process will become clear. You see,

I'm not in the " blame game " anymore.. I'm in the

" let's face it " game.

I've been studying chemical reactions in the body looking for a

more definitive explanation for this and any other repetitive behavior

disorders/disconnec ts. I have discovered some pretty interesting

things.

There have been recent studies done that show when a child is

traumatized within the first few years of their life they`re

neurotransmitter/ hormones break with the healthier pathways and develop

an addicting harmful pathway from that traumatic moment on throughout

their life. They are now hard wired to reenact their trauma whenever a

similar emotionally identified situation pops up.

The BPDs in our life can't follow our logic when we are addressing

a heated situation because they are reliving their childhood drama while

you are dealing with the issue at hand. You two are talking about two

different situations.. Has your mother ever said something that just