The 5 Stages Of Grief.......

[Guest guest]

Five Stages Of Grief

1.Denial and Isolation.

At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may

withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few

moments, or longer.

2.Anger.

The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted

the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it

happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take

place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.

3.Bargaining.

Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, " If I do

this, will you take away the loss? "

4.Depression.

The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain

underneath.

5.Acceptance.

This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The

person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

I am a Hospice Volunteer, and we deal with loss all the time. I

truely believe that we KO's, who are NC, will go through these 5

stages, before we can gain some true peace.

I hope this helps others who question everything the way I do.

drlingirl

[Guest guest]

What great information, drlingirl --

I still find it hard to accept that my " kind, gentle " dad is firmly

aligned with mom, to the exclusion of me -- he denies it, acts like

that's the furthest thing from the truth, yet keeps working on me to

get me to come back to her, etc.

I remember my therapist challenging me when I said " But he's a good

dad " -- she is the one who forced me to actually face " No, he

isn't " ....

That is what brought about the stages of grief more than my mother.

She's easy to withdraw from. Dad was the tricky one.

>

> Five Stages Of Grief

>

> 1.Denial and Isolation.

>

> At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may

> withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few

> moments, or longer.

>

> 2.Anger.

>

> The grieving person may then be furious at the person who

inflicted

> the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it

> happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take

> place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.

>

> 3.Bargaining.

>

> Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, " If I

do

> this, will you take away the loss? "

>

> 4.Depression.

>

> The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain

> underneath.

>

> 5.Acceptance.

>

> This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The

> person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

>

>

> I am a Hospice Volunteer, and we deal with loss all the time. I

> truely believe that we KO's, who are NC, will go through these 5

> stages, before we can gain some true peace.

>

> I hope this helps others who question everything the way I do.

>

> drlingirl

>

[Guest guest]

drlingirl,

I remember studying the five stages of grief in college, but that was

25 yrs. ago... what I can't remember is whether or not the stages are

always in order. I'm wondering because in the case of going NC with

a BPD parent, it seems that many KOs start off with the anger stage.

Am I missing the denial/isolation stage? Or can that come later?

~Elle

>

> >

> > Five Stages Of Grief

> >

> > 1.Denial and Isolation.

> >

> > At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may

> > withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a

few

> > moments, or longer.

> >

> > 2.Anger.

> >

> > The grieving person may then be furious at the person who

> inflicted

> > the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it

> > happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take

> > place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.

> >

> > 3.Bargaining.

> >

> > Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, " If I

> do

> > this, will you take away the loss? "

> >

> > 4.Depression.

> >

> > The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain

> > underneath.

> >

> > 5.Acceptance.

> >

> > This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off.

The

> > person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

> >

> >

> > I am a Hospice Volunteer, and we deal with loss all the time. I

> > truely believe that we KO's, who are NC, will go through these 5

> > stages, before we can gain some true peace.

> >

> > I hope this helps others who question everything the way I do.

> >

> > drlingirl

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I personally think we were in the denial stage up until we

recognized there was something wrong with nada/fada, and went into

the anger stage.

sylvia

> > >

> > > Five Stages Of Grief

> > >

> > > 1.Denial and Isolation.

> > >

> > > At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may

> > > withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a

> few

> > > moments, or longer.

> > >

> > > 2.Anger.

> > >

> > > The grieving person may then be furious at the person who

> > inflicted

> > > the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it

> > > happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event

take

> > > place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.

> > >

> > > 3.Bargaining.

> > >

> > > Now the grieving person may make bargains with God,

asking, " If I

> > do

> > > this, will you take away the loss? "

> > >

> > > 4.Depression.

> > >

> > > The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain

> > > underneath.

> > >

> > > 5.Acceptance.

> > >

> > > This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off.

> The

> > > person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

> > >

> > >

> > > I am a Hospice Volunteer, and we deal with loss all the time.

I

> > > truely believe that we KO's, who are NC, will go through these

5

> > > stages, before we can gain some true peace.

> > >

> > > I hope this helps others who question everything the way I do.

> > >

> > > drlingirl

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Sylvia,

You are so right! Thanks for reminding me of the years of denial that

preceed our putting our foot down. I was thinking the stages started

at NC, but your description makes perfect sense.

~Elle

> > > >

> > > > Five Stages Of Grief

> > > >

> > > > 1.Denial and Isolation.

> > > >

> > > > At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may

> > > > withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last

a

> > few

> > > > moments, or longer.

> > > >

> > > > 2.Anger.

> > > >

> > > > The grieving person may then be furious at the person who

> > > inflicted

> > > > the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting

it

> > > > happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event

> take

> > > > place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.

> > > >

> > > > 3.Bargaining.

> > > >

> > > > Now the grieving person may make bargains with God,

> asking, " If I

> > > do

> > > > this, will you take away the loss? "

> > > >

> > > > 4.Depression.

> > > >

> > > > The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain

> > > > underneath.

> > > >

> > > > 5.Acceptance.

> > > >

> > > > This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered

off.

> > The

> > > > person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > I am a Hospice Volunteer, and we deal with loss all the

time.

> I

> > > > truely believe that we KO's, who are NC, will go through

these

> 5

> > > > stages, before we can gain some true peace.

> > > >

> > > > I hope this helps others who question everything the way I

do.

> > > >

> > > > drlingirl

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Dee, I'm so glad you were comforted at what must have been impossibly

hard to accept. I felt the same when my mom died 3 months ago after

years of a devastating illness (she was NOT a NADA--just the

opposite). I think when a loved one is sick for a long time, we have

worked through any anger issues along the way and are in a stage of

acceptance by the time they they leave us--at least that's how I

felt. My heart goes out to you, Dee.

~Elle

> > > >

> > > > Five Stages Of Grief

> > > >

> > > > 1.Denial and Isolation.

> > > >

> > > > At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may

> > > > withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last

a

> > few

> > > > moments, or longer.

> > > >

> > > > 2.Anger.

> > > >

> > > > The grieving person may then be furious at the person who

> > > inflicted

> > > > the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting

it

> > > > happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event

take

> > > > place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.

> > > >

> > > > 3.Bargaining.

> > > >

> > > > Now the grieving person may make bargains with God,

asking, " If I

> > > do

> > > > this, will you take away the loss? "

> > > >

> > > > 4.Depression.

> > > >

> > > > The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain

> > > > underneath.

> > > >

> > > > 5.Acceptance.

> > > >

> > > > This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered

off.

> > The

> > > > person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > I am a Hospice Volunteer, and we deal with loss all the

time. I

> > > > truely believe that we KO's, who are NC, will go through

these 5

> > > > stages, before we can gain some true peace.

> > > >

> > > > I hope this helps others who question everything the way I

do.

> > > >

> > > > drlingirl

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

My therapist said that you can go through the stages in different

order. I felt like I was very depressed over Thanksgiving, and she

said that I was grieving the loss of relationship with my nada. No

order, though.

Hope that helps.

> > >

> > > Five Stages Of Grief

> > >

> > > 1.Denial and Isolation.

> > >

> > > At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may

> > > withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a

> few

> > > moments, or longer.

> > >

> > > 2.Anger.

> > >

> > > The grieving person may then be furious at the person who

> > inflicted

> > > the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it

> > > happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take

> > > place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.

> > >

> > > 3.Bargaining.

> > >

> > > Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, " If I

> > do

> > > this, will you take away the loss? "

> > >

> > > 4.Depression.

> > >

> > > The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain

> > > underneath.

> > >

> > > 5.Acceptance.

> > >

> > > This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off.

> The

> > > person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

> > >

> > >

> > > I am a Hospice Volunteer, and we deal with loss all the time. I

> > > truely believe that we KO's, who are NC, will go through these 5

> > > stages, before we can gain some true peace.

> > >

> > > I hope this helps others who question everything the way I do.

> > >

> > > drlingirl

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I can relate to all these stages. The denial piece for me was not holding my

fada accountable for throwing me under the bus. Not believing that his behavior

was even more toxic than my nada. I know better now. I think I'm in the

acceptance phase, but will quickly return to the angry phase or depressive

phase. I don't believe the grieving process is stagnant. I think it you go

through each phase many times.Kara

To: WTOAdultChildren1@...: whatacutemom@...: Wed, 9

Jan 2008 01:08:40 +0000Subject: Re: The 5 Stages Of

Grief.......

My therapist said that you can go through the stages in differentorder. I felt

like I was very depressed over Thanksgiving, and shesaid that I was grieving the

loss of relationship with my nada. Noorder, though. Hope that helps.> > >> > >

Five Stages Of Grief> > > > > > 1.Denial and Isolation.> > > > > > At first, we

tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may > > > withdraw from our usual

social contacts. This stage may last a > few > > > moments, or longer. > > > > >

> 2.Anger.> > > > > > The grieving person may then be furious at the person who

> > inflicted > > > the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting

it > > > happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take > > >

place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it. > > > > > >

3.Bargaining.> > > > > > Now the grieving person may make bargains with God,

asking, " If I > > do > > > this, will you take away the loss? " > > > > > >

4.Depression.> > > > > > The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may

remain > > > underneath. > > > > > > 5.Acceptance.> > > > > > This is when the

anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. > The > > > person simply accepts

the reality of the loss. > > > > > > > > > I am a Hospice Volunteer, and we deal

with loss all the time. I > > > truely believe that we KO's, who are NC, will go

through these 5 > > > stages, before we can gain some true peace. > > > > > > I

hope this helps others who question everything the way I do. > > > > > >

drlingirl> > >> >>

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[Guest guest]

Yes, Kara! Same with me -- I think I was more devastated in my gut

when I realized my dad wasn't a good dad! I had always concentrated

on my nada, and never thought about her accomplice!

There's a reason why in the court system, the accomplice gets almost

as stiff a sentence as the main perpetrator -- if they don't step in

to stop the crime, they're JUST AS GUILTY.

I still remember the moment that realization washed over me. It

wasn't that long ago.

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

Kylaboo:

I'm new to this group, I was wondering what types of things did your mom do or

not do to you when you were growing up, that hurt you the most? your therapist

sounds like mine. very level headed, and its good that they challenge our old

ways of thinking. my mom did a lot of bad stuff, but mainly staying with a man

that had sex with her own daughter, that was the sickest of all.

WTOAdultChildren1 , " kylaboo728 " wrote:What

great information, drlingirl -- I still find it hard to accept that my " kind,

gentle " dad is firmly aligned with mom, to the exclusion of me -- he denies it,

acts like that's the furthest thing from the truth, yet keeps working on me to

get me to come back to her, etc.I remember my therapist challenging me when I

said " But he's a good dad " -- she is the one who forced me to actually face " No,

he isn't " ....That is what brought about the stages of grief more than my mother.

She's easy to withdraw from. Dad was the tricky one

[Guest guest]

Same with me, too! There were so many times in high school that nada thought I

was on drugs or an alcoholic (she'd found a mint in my car, an airplace bottle

of rum under my bed), was depressed or overeating (I was just today remembering

a random incident--a huge fight when she forced dad to pull over and made me

dump out a bag of chocolate Flipz I'd bought at a gas station out on the

roadside)...He NEVER once stuck up for me that I can remember. He always

trotted after nada and emptily supported her. He apologized recently but I

remember when I first realized how guilty he'd been too, it was like a whole new

wave of disappointment.

kylaboo728 wrote: Yes, Kara! Same with me -- I

think I was more devastated in my gut

when I realized my dad wasn't a good dad! I had always concentrated

on my nada, and never thought about her accomplice!

There's a reason why in the court system, the accomplice gets almost

as stiff a sentence as the main perpetrator -- if they don't step in

to stop the crime, they're JUST AS GUILTY.

I still remember the moment that realization washed over me. It

wasn't that long ago.

-Kyla

---------------------------------

Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.

[Guest guest]

This certainly sheds some new light on the situation. Here I am

concerned about my father (who appears to be a victim of nada). But,

in actuality he is an accomplice.

Oi, vei! That's a zinger concept!

Just this week I went to see him because I felt guilty for avoiding

nada's situation. I wanted to get an update about his visit with an

attorney, but it turned out to be a nada-centric visit (OF COURSE)! He

always wants to talk about her and how she's doing this and that. He

feeds off of her and needs for her to " victimize " him. He just wants

someone else to shoulder the burden WITH him. Sick! He wants me

around so he can comiserate. He constantly talks about her and how

she's doing crazy things. He talks to everyone about her mental issues

(mostly in desperation). People feel sorry for him and now he's the

martyr. Even I have put him on a pedestal...

Dad ignored so much when I was a child. He turned his other cheek,

found places to be out of the house when Mom was sick/crazy/psycho,

made excuses for her, lied to protect her, etc.

I've chosen to shelf the past and ignore what he did to neglect my

brother and me. He hurt us with his ignorance and apathy. He was

victimized, but he IS THE ADULT! Why didn't he get us out of the

psychotic and unsafe situation? Did she truly have that much mental

control of him?

This is something I'm going to have to chew on. I don't know how I

feel about it.

Hmmmmm,

Dolly