Re: Need advice today

[Guest guest]

It sounds like your stepdad is ready for this. You may want to change your cell

phone number as well and get a second email address. I think you should limit

your interactions with your nada during this timeframe and suggest that she see

someone professional as you are not her therapist and would not want to offer

her incorrect advice.

You should not feel guilty about taking care of yourself first.

JosoBak25 wrote:

Hi all,

For about the three millionth time this month, I'm thanking heaven for this

site.

My stepdad left nada today and I'm 99% sure it's official. He has been planning

it for months (we discussed it over x-mas), and has had a detailed plan a la

'Sleeping with the Enemy'. He called his friends, coworkers, boss, family and

friends this morning to warn them of the oncoming **** storm (she'll call them

all!), he's moved to a secret location, bought a new cell and opened a new

e-mail account (I'm forcing him to go onto the yahoo WTO site for BP spouses for

support and advice).

I'm in shock right now as the axe that has been hanging over my head for five

years (they've been doomed since their honeymoon) has fallen and I'm trying to

find a clean, healthy way to deal with the next week and to plan for the next

few months.

As you can imagine, my nada will go to no end to punish stepdad, she'll call the

cops, hire a private investigator to track him down, draw out the court case as

long as possible, accuse him of monstrosities etc. I'm trying to let go of the

idea that those events concern me so I can look out for myself and my needs and

to establish proper emotional, physical and psychological boundaries.

The last time she went through a divorce (this will be her third), I was in

college and a total mess. I stayed in bed, watched movies in the dark, ate

snickers, gained 10 pounds and totally ignored my boyfriend and friends. I'm

determined to be healthier this time, I don't want her endangering my life,

work, relationships or sanity any more than she already has!!!

I just don't know what to do though--she's going to call, e-mail, she might even

drive up to my apartment. She'll call my office, my boyfriend, his parents,

she'll cry and scream and try to manipulate me into coming home. She's totally

broke and is going to lose the house (but can she even sell it in this market?)

and I'm terrified for what's going to happen but I also want to prevent myself

from getting sucked into her vast, whirling abyss.

Before I left at x-mas time, I made an ultimatum that I wasn't going to come

home again until she saw a psychiatrist. She's too much of a clasically proud BP

to do that but I don't want to be making empty threats. I'm also not sure if

this is the best time to be enforcing that rule though.

What's my obligation as her daughter? Do you have any thoughts about what I

should do these next fwe days (and the immediate future?) Thanks for your

support, even just for reading this!

---------------------------------

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

[Guest guest]

This is going to sound harsh, and it probably is, but it is ONLY MY

opinion. Your obligation is nothing. She is your mother - not the

other way around. She is an adult. You are an adult. It's going to

hurt her, no doubt about that, divorce hurts whether you have BP or

not. Stand your ground and enforce your boundaries. Weather your

own storms...not hers. Your stepfather apparently has already made

his boundaries quite clear. He deserves a pat on the back.

Good luck to you. I'll be praying for you.

Khris

>

> Hi all,

>

> For about the three millionth time this month, I'm thanking

heaven for this site.

>

> My stepdad left nada today and I'm 99% sure it's official. He

has been planning it for months (we discussed it over x-mas), and has

had a detailed plan a la 'Sleeping with the Enemy'. He called his

friends, coworkers, boss, family and friends this morning to warn

them of the oncoming **** storm (she'll call them all!), he's moved

to a secret location, bought a new cell and opened a new e-mail

account (I'm forcing him to go onto the yahoo WTO site for BP spouses

for support and advice).

>

> I'm in shock right now as the axe that has been hanging over my

head for five years (they've been doomed since their honeymoon) has

fallen and I'm trying to find a clean, healthy way to deal with the

next week and to plan for the next few months.

>

> As you can imagine, my nada will go to no end to punish stepdad,

she'll call the cops, hire a private investigator to track him down,

draw out the court case as long as possible, accuse him of

monstrosities etc. I'm trying to let go of the idea that those

events concern me so I can look out for myself and my needs and to

establish proper emotional, physical and psychological boundaries.

>

> The last time she went through a divorce (this will be her

third), I was in college and a total mess. I stayed in bed, watched

movies in the dark, ate snickers, gained 10 pounds and totally

ignored my boyfriend and friends. I'm determined to be healthier

this time, I don't want her endangering my life, work, relationships

or sanity any more than she already has!!!

>

> I just don't know what to do though--she's going to call, e-mail,

she might even drive up to my apartment. She'll call my office, my

boyfriend, his parents, she'll cry and scream and try to manipulate

me into coming home. She's totally broke and is going to lose the

house (but can she even sell it in this market?) and I'm terrified

for what's going to happen but I also want to prevent myself from

getting sucked into her vast, whirling abyss.

>

> Before I left at x-mas time, I made an ultimatum that I wasn't

going to come home again until she saw a psychiatrist. She's too

much of a clasically proud BP to do that but I don't want to be

making empty threats. I'm also not sure if this is the best time to

be enforcing that rule though.

>

> What's my obligation as her daughter? Do you have any thoughts

about what I should do these next fwe days (and the immediate

future?) Thanks for your support, even just for reading this!

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile.

Try it now.

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with Khris -- your worry indicates that you've

been " brainwashed " to think that when she yanks the chain, you come

running.

She is an adult. Her marriage and its demise is not your business.

It's hers. It's between her and your stepdad -- tell her that if

she tries to rope you in. Maintain a " I don't know anything "

stance. Don't touch it with a ten foot pole.

If she wants to hire private investigators, helicopters, green

berets, mercenaries, etc., don't concern yourself with it. And

don't get involved!! If one of her " hired guns " tries to talk to

you, tell them " I don't know anything and I SURE don't want to get

involved. "

You know from experience how she acts in this situation. Don't be

self-destructive like you were in college -- this is HER trouble,

not YOURS. Detach from it, go about your day. Don't sit while she

rages and cries on the phone -- make it short and end the

conversation and go back to YOUR life.

You don't have to wear black and be a professional mourner everytime

she hits a skid in her life (and people like her create their own

skids, for the most part!).

Again -- stay out of it. It's already worrying you. GOOD FOR YOUR

STEPDAD!! If you want to be useful -- pray that things end well for

HIM!. Give him your moral support when you can -- I hope you can

see him or talk to him when the storm dies down.

Take care of yourself FIRST. Your mother's a grown up. This is

life. She'll have to deal with this herself. As Khris wisely

said: YOU ARE NOT HER MOTHER. Normal people rely on their friends

and community for support during divorce -- if your mother has no

friends, that's her doing, too. Doesn't mean it's your job to step

into that role. You should NOT be discussing her marriage. That's

a no-no. Free yourself from any guilt she might use to convince you

otherwise. This isn't your problem -- so don't get mired in it.

It's quicksand.

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

Thank you Kyla. : )

I've been through three separations/divorces with my mother myself

and recently have been worrying about the possibility of a fourth

that might cause my mother to come running back to me for security

even after 12 years NC. This was the advise that I was giving to

myself in anticipation of the possible event WHEN (not, if) it occurs.

Khris

>

> I agree with Khris -- your worry indicates that you've

> been " brainwashed " to think that when she yanks the chain, you come

> running.

>

> She is an adult. Her marriage and its demise is not your

business.

> It's hers. It's between her and your stepdad -- tell her that if

> she tries to rope you in. Maintain a " I don't know anything "

> stance. Don't touch it with a ten foot pole.

>

> If she wants to hire private investigators, helicopters, green

> berets, mercenaries, etc., don't concern yourself with it. And

> don't get involved!! If one of her " hired guns " tries to talk to

> you, tell them " I don't know anything and I SURE don't want to get

> involved. "

>

> You know from experience how she acts in this situation. Don't be

> self-destructive like you were in college -- this is HER trouble,

> not YOURS. Detach from it, go about your day. Don't sit while she

> rages and cries on the phone -- make it short and end the

> conversation and go back to YOUR life.

>

> You don't have to wear black and be a professional mourner

everytime

> she hits a skid in her life (and people like her create their own

> skids, for the most part!).

>

> Again -- stay out of it. It's already worrying you. GOOD FOR YOUR

> STEPDAD!! If you want to be useful -- pray that things end well

for

> HIM!. Give him your moral support when you can -- I hope you can

> see him or talk to him when the storm dies down.

>

> Take care of yourself FIRST. Your mother's a grown up. This is

> life. She'll have to deal with this herself. As Khris wisely

> said: YOU ARE NOT HER MOTHER. Normal people rely on their friends

> and community for support during divorce -- if your mother has no

> friends, that's her doing, too. Doesn't mean it's your job to step

> into that role. You should NOT be discussing her marriage. That's

> a no-no. Free yourself from any guilt she might use to convince

you

> otherwise. This isn't your problem -- so don't get mired in it.

> It's quicksand.

>

> -Kyla

>

[Guest guest]

You've been through three? Well, guess what -- 3 times the charm!

You get to retire from participating in her next one!

Seriously, if she calls to blubber to you on the phone, or whatever

she does, you can honestly say " Well, you've been through this

before, I'm sure you can handle this. I just can't get involved

this time -- takes too much out of me. I have total faith in you. "

You're home free!

-Kyla

> >

> > I agree with Khris -- your worry indicates that you've

> > been " brainwashed " to think that when she yanks the chain, you

come

> > running.

> >

> > She is an adult. Her marriage and its demise is not your

> business.

> > It's hers. It's between her and your stepdad -- tell her that

if

> > she tries to rope you in. Maintain a " I don't know anything "

> > stance. Don't touch it with a ten foot pole.

> >

> > If she wants to hire private investigators, helicopters, green

> > berets, mercenaries, etc., don't concern yourself with it. And

> > don't get involved!! If one of her " hired guns " tries to talk

to

> > you, tell them " I don't know anything and I SURE don't want to

get

> > involved. "

> >

> > You know from experience how she acts in this situation. Don't

be

> > self-destructive like you were in college -- this is HER

trouble,

> > not YOURS. Detach from it, go about your day. Don't sit while

she

> > rages and cries on the phone -- make it short and end the

> > conversation and go back to YOUR life.

> >

> > You don't have to wear black and be a professional mourner

> everytime

> > she hits a skid in her life (and people like her create their

own

> > skids, for the most part!).

> >

> > Again -- stay out of it. It's already worrying you. GOOD FOR

YOUR

> > STEPDAD!! If you want to be useful -- pray that things end well

> for

> > HIM!. Give him your moral support when you can -- I hope you

can

> > see him or talk to him when the storm dies down.

> >

> > Take care of yourself FIRST. Your mother's a grown up. This is

> > life. She'll have to deal with this herself. As Khris wisely

> > said: YOU ARE NOT HER MOTHER. Normal people rely on their

friends

> > and community for support during divorce -- if your mother has

no

> > friends, that's her doing, too. Doesn't mean it's your job to

step

> > into that role. You should NOT be discussing her marriage.

That's

> > a no-no. Free yourself from any guilt she might use to convince

> you

> > otherwise. This isn't your problem -- so don't get mired in

it.

> > It's quicksand.

> >

> > -Kyla

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks to all of you who replied to my post yesterday--your words of

encouragement were very helpful and I repeated them to myself often throughout

the day yesterday and when I woke up at 6 am this morning after a classic

lack-of-control nightmare (I was driving a car from the backseat and was drunk).

I'm not the parent, it's not my fault she has spent every penny she's ever

made, I can't help her hold down a job, I can't teach her to have a healthy,

normal relationship. The only thing I can do is be a distant support--to the

extent that I feel comfortable with--and not allow my work and relationships to

suffer (yet again) because of her instability and insanity.

I don't know what I would do without the ability to vent into cyberspace and

receive such kind words of support!!

kylaboo728 wrote:

You've been through three? Well, guess what -- 3 times the charm!

You get to retire from participating in her next one!

Seriously, if she calls to blubber to you on the phone, or whatever

she does, you can honestly say " Well, you've been through this

before, I'm sure you can handle this. I just can't get involved

this time -- takes too much out of me. I have total faith in you. "

You're home free!

-Kyla

> >

> > I agree with Khris -- your worry indicates that you've

> > been " brainwashed " to think that when she yanks the chain, you

come

> > running.

> >

> > She is an adult. Her marriage and its demise is not your

> business.

> > It's hers. It's between her and your stepdad -- tell her that

if

> > she tries to rope you in. Maintain a " I don't know anything "

> > stance. Don't touch it with a ten foot pole.

> >

> > If she wants to hire private investigators, helicopters, green

> > berets, mercenaries, etc., don't concern yourself with it. And

> > don't get involved!! If one of her " hired guns " tries to talk

to

> > you, tell them " I don't know anything and I SURE don't want to

get

> > involved. "

> >

> > You know from experience how she acts in this situation. Don't

be

> > self-destructive like you were in college -- this is HER

trouble,

> > not YOURS. Detach from it, go about your day. Don't sit while

she

> > rages and cries on the phone -- make it short and end the

> > conversation and go back to YOUR life.

> >

> > You don't have to wear black and be a professional mourner

> everytime

> > she hits a skid in her life (and people like her create their

own

> > skids, for the most part!).

> >

> > Again -- stay out of it. It's already worrying you. GOOD FOR

YOUR

> > STEPDAD!! If you want to be useful -- pray that things end well

> for

> > HIM!. Give him your moral support when you can -- I hope you

can

> > see him or talk to him when the storm dies down.

> >

> > Take care of yourself FIRST. Your mother's a grown up. This is

> > life. She'll have to deal with this herself. As Khris wisely

> > said: YOU ARE NOT HER MOTHER. Normal people rely on their

friends

> > and community for support during divorce -- if your mother has

no

> > friends, that's her doing, too. Doesn't mean it's your job to

step

> > into that role. You should NOT be discussing her marriage.

That's

> > a no-no. Free yourself from any guilt she might use to convince

> you

> > otherwise. This isn't your problem -- so don't get mired in

it.

> > It's quicksand.

> >

> > -Kyla

> >

>

---------------------------------

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