Re: When do You Stop Grieving for Your Nada?

[Guest guest]

GS

You are taking your power back. Look at what a torturer does, they take the body

and invade, defile and desecrate it as a temple of your self. Your nada did that

and more to your self. You are mad and you want that control and dominance back.

You want your power back and you are taking it back in your mind. In my opinion

you are setting the ultimate boundary: it is my self and you do not belong here

nada. You are rooting her out of your soul.. Your needs were denied and since

you are NC with the source of your pain, you go after her in the only manner you

can: your mind.

Believe me I have walked this path. I have this fantasy of my own concerning my

brother's prized 67 Ford mustang, an axe, a bat, a sledgehammer and lighter

fluid. It is the one place I know I can hurt him as badly as he has hurt me and

know that it will stick. I won't ever do it, because I am not that person. But I

can think about it and smile.

Be strong

Re: Re: When do You Stop Grieving for Your Nada?

Hi,

My thought is that you never really get over it but you do get better. For

me, I've found there are times when I don't come to this group for several

days at a time, and then for no reason that I can figure out, I am suddenly

back checking every few hours. I also find that emotionally it is smooth

sailing for a bit and then suddenly (like today) I want to see my nada

strung out and being tortured for all that she has done to me. The anger

comes in waves. The grief comes in waves. And the beautiful moments come out

of no where.

Sometimes I think it's the beautiful moments that leave me the most angry -

in the aftermath of them. The thing is, I never actually fully experienced a

positive emotion until after I joined this group. Well, that's not true, I

have when I have been dancing or even riding my bike but physical joy is

different from emotional joy. I was 32 years old before I experienced the

positive side of emotions. It's like I was a musician who only learned to

play the bass cleff, the lower half of the piano.I just can't believe it. I

had no idea what happiness, satisfaction, joy or pride felt like for all

those years. Positive emotion doesn't exist in my family. And Celebration -

I had NO FREAKING IDEA what that was, to me it just meant an obligation to

sit and make a huge meal for nada to scoff at. (this year I spent 6 weeks

celebrating the holidays and the next 4 on my BF's birhtday). Finally I have

a reason to live. As I peal away the layers, I realize more and more just

how deeply she damaged me.

Sorry, having a very negative day emotionally. Here's my question - I

actually had a fabulous day. I conducted a 3.5 hour training that went

beautifully and I got a ton of recognition from people in my office who

don't normally notice my work. I impressed a new client. And I took an hour

and a half long hip hop class and I'm becoming close friends with my

teacher. Any thoughts on why - although I feel physically tired like I did

my best, very proud happy - in the background of this I am fantisizing about

physically torturing my nada. I really am sorry for being so dark but there

you go, I will do you the kindness of not describing my fantasy.

Hugs, girlscout

On Tue, Jun 17, 2008 at 6:52 PM, jjfan42 <jjfan42yahoo (DOT) com> wrote:

>

> >

> > I know that growing up with mental illness in your family is tough

> but when does it stop

> > getting the best of you? I'm still trying to move on and have a

> good life for myself but even

> > as I am far from home, I can't seem to shake the grief. I know it's

> part of healing but when

> > does it stop? Can I choose to stop? How do I know if I am grieving

> or sulking?

> >

> > What has been your experience with this?

> >

>

> I would argue that it has already stopped getting the " best " of you.

> You've named it...you know what your dealing with...you know you are

> grieving because of it...time will lessen the feelings. When I first

> found out what I was dealing with I was extremely overwhelmed. I

> easily cried for at least two weeks. I was sick to my stomach. I

> was completely and totally consumed by it. Now...I have my moments.

> I get frustrated for how I behave in other " normal " circumstances

> because I have trouble with " normal. " But I'm getting better at

> catching myself...I feel like awarness is a huge step. Before I

> would generically feel bad about things for no real reason, now I can

> look at a situation and realize I shouldn't be feeling that way and

> stop. Sometimes I catch myself early and sometimes later than I'd

> like...but I look at it like a work in progress. Healing and

> experiencing grief are both processes, not a single event. It's not

> like turning a switch. It's more like having to rewrite a computer

> program that has a bug. You write some code that you think fixes the

> problem and then find the next problem, etc. Eventually the program

> works mostly the way you want. I'm not there yet at all...but

> slowly, I feel myself getting better.

>

> Hugs to you!

> JJFan

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

What a powerful ritual. Maybe we should adopt it. I think I will do mine outside

next to the fire pit. I read somewhere that sage was burnt in Indian rituals to

chase out bad thoughts and evil energy. I hope it worked.

Be strong

Re: When do You Stop Grieving for Your Nada?

Yeah Im wondering the same thing...

For me the things that have worked well so far in terms of dealing with grief

and

minimising the effect it has on me day-to-day have been:

* to learn about grief in terms of BPD/mental illness (reading books and talking

with my

therapist mainly) - What are you grieving for exactly? What

beliefs/behaviours/ thoughts/ hopes/dreams do you need to let go of that are

causing you

to feel grief? 'Surviving a Borderline Parent' by Roth/Freidman helped me out

with those

questions.

* seek validation of my experience and associated grief wherever I can get it

(books,

therapist, friends/partner) . Im finding I still need quite a lot of validation

day-to-day.

* hold a grieving ceremony. I did this on my own in my unit on the carpet. I

wrote down all

the things I was grieving for and wanted to let go of related to my mum and our

relationship. Then I put every candle I owned into the room, closed the windows

and lit

them. Put a rug on the carpet, burnt some sage sticks and read through my list

one by

one.. By the time I hit the end of the list I was crying heaps and releasing a

lot of emotion.

Once I finished the list I burnt a " book of poems from mother to daughter " that

my mum

had bought me years ago (to me it represented the mother I wish I had and the

mother

she probably wishes she was).. I burnt it in a saucepan and said farewell (note

- fire

warning here.... proceed with caution!!!).

After that I put some really positive tunes on, opened the windows of the room

and held

the sage sticks and said goodbye to the 'relationship that never was' and

welcomed in

positive energy, cleansing of my emotions, acceptance, and love for the person I

was and

the person I am becoming. I just said whatever came to mind (didnt script

anything, but if

it helps you I would write a few things down).

I still feel sad from time to time (and all the other emotions - anger, hurt,

disappointment,

etc), but grief hasnt quite come back to hit me like it previously did...

although Im early on

in this whole process so who knows, there may be more to go yet! But I have some

tools

to deal with it at least.

Good luck.

[Guest guest]

Healing and

experiencing grief are both processes, not a single event. It's not

like turning a switch. It's more like having to rewrite a computer

program that has a bug.

>>>>>>>>>

This is so amazingly spot on. It is a process and sometimes you recognize it

when it is happening and at other times you only realize it months or years

after the actually healing or grieving has taken place.

Re: When do You Stop Grieving for Your Nada?

>

> I know that growing up with mental illness in your family is tough

but when does it stop

> getting the best of you? I'm still trying to move on and have a

good life for myself but even

> as I am far from home, I can't seem to shake the grief. I know it's

part of healing but when

> does it stop? Can I choose to stop? How do I know if I am grieving

or sulking?

>

> What has been your experience with this?

>

I would argue that it has already stopped getting the " best " of you.

You've named it...you know what your dealing with...you know you are

grieving because of it...time will lessen the feelings. When I first

found out what I was dealing with I was extremely overwhelmed. I

easily cried for at least two weeks. I was sick to my stomach. I

was completely and totally consumed by it. Now...I have my moments.

I get frustrated for how I behave in other " normal " circumstances

because I have trouble with " normal. " But I'm getting better at

catching myself...I feel like awarness is a huge step. Before I

would generically feel bad about things for no real reason, now I can

look at a situation and realize I shouldn't be feeling that way and

stop. Sometimes I catch myself early and sometimes later than I'd

like...but I look at it like a work in progress. Healing and

experiencing grief are both processes, not a single event. It's not

like turning a switch. It's more like having to rewrite a computer

program that has a bug. You write some code that you think fixes the

problem and then find the next problem, etc. Eventually the program

works mostly the way you want. I'm not there yet at all...but

slowly, I feel myself getting better.

Hugs to you!

JJFan