Re: Wedding Drama

[Guest guest]

Delta,

I got married in 2003, when I knew my nada was a whack job but did

not know about BPD. Here's how I handled it in case it is helpful for

others: I asked my maid of honor and another high school friend who

knew the real nada to ask as bouncers. I told them that this was the

hardest job I'd have to ask of anyone, but please try to put a buffer

between her and me so she doesn't spoil my day.

The only minor incident was that when we were taking outdoor photos

and the afternoon reception was happening before dinner, she screamed

at the crowd that we had to stop taking photos because everyone was

waiting for us to be in the reception. But all in all, pretty minor.

Good luck!

> >

> > My husband and I bent over backwards to include nada in our

> > wedding and make her feel special, but also making sure it was

the

> > wedding WE wanted. We thought we had pulled it off. She seemed

to

> > have a good time and the day went well but, after we got back

from

> > our honeymoon, she didn't return any phone calls. She then sent

a

> > horrible email telling me how awful I was to her that day, that I

> > didn't make any time for her, that my failure to introduce her at

> > the reception (no parents were introduced - we did that at the

> > rehearsal dinner) was a slap in her face and shows how ungrateful

I

> > am, that it was the worst night of her life, that she never wants

to

> > see our wedding pictures, etc.

> > I've know she's BPD for a while and I am often the subject of

her

> > rages - and I've dealt with it. But, this feels different. It

was

> > our wedding day. I don't want to give her the power to ruin my

> > wedding memories, but I can't seem to help it. I look at the

> > pictures from our wedding and it makes me cry. I just wanted ONE

> > day - -just ONE day for her to let me be happy. We have not

spoken

> > since my wedding and I am not sure where to go from here. I

don't

> > know if I can continue to have a relationship with her. Also, I

am

> > worried how this will affect my new family. Any thoughts?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Delta:

When I got married in 1995, my Nada had me in tears everyday during

the wedding planning, which my husband and I paid for. It got so bad

that my husband had to intervene. When she showed up at my house one

day ranting he set the limit. He told her she needed to stop all

contact with me until the wedding or she was not invited. Good news

is that it worked. Some how she held it together until late in the

reception. When she started to lose control after seeing me spend

time with my Dad (her ex-husband), my husband asked her to leave the

reception. And she did, as a drama queen of course.

Best of luck, and just remember that this is " Your Day " . Deb

> > >

> > > My husband and I bent over backwards to include nada in our

> > > wedding and make her feel special, but also making sure it was

> the

> > > wedding WE wanted. We thought we had pulled it off. She

seemed

> to

> > > have a good time and the day went well but, after we got back

> from

> > > our honeymoon, she didn't return any phone calls. She then

sent

> a

> > > horrible email telling me how awful I was to her that day, that

I

> > > didn't make any time for her, that my failure to introduce her

at

> > > the reception (no parents were introduced - we did that at the

> > > rehearsal dinner) was a slap in her face and shows how

ungrateful

> I

> > > am, that it was the worst night of her life, that she never

wants

> to

> > > see our wedding pictures, etc.

> > > I've know she's BPD for a while and I am often the subject of

> her

> > > rages - and I've dealt with it. But, this feels different. It

> was

> > > our wedding day. I don't want to give her the power to ruin my

> > > wedding memories, but I can't seem to help it. I look at the

> > > pictures from our wedding and it makes me cry. I just wanted

ONE

> > > day - -just ONE day for her to let me be happy. We have not

> spoken

> > > since my wedding and I am not sure where to go from here. I

> don't

> > > know if I can continue to have a relationship with her. Also,

I

> am

> > > worried how this will affect my new family. Any thoughts?

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Ok, I couldnt help but to chime in on this one.

I got engaged last October. I was so excited and happy for a second,

then I realized that I had to break the news to NADA. I finally got

the courage to tell her, and gave her a call. It was as if I told

her that I robbed a bank or killed someone. She said things like " I

can't believe this " and " i am so disappointed in you " and " you

better think hard and long about what you are doing " . none of the

stuff your mom should say when you bring about happy news.

I refrained from ever talking about (my fiancee) or anything

wedding related out of respect for her because i knew it upset her.

But she would still make little remarks about it here and there.

Once she said " I think it would be best if you 2 just went away to

Vegas and got married " .She said it in this snotty little voice with

a scowl on her face. This was REALLY uncharacteristic of her,

because the last time i was planning a wedding she got really into

it and insisted on having a nice wedding where friends and family

could attend. it was because she hates jeremy and wants nothing to

do with helping me plan the wedding (or at least that is the message

i got from all of this).

and I have planned our wedding this week and are getting

married on April 12th. We are having a destination wedding. I don't

believe NADA knows any of this, since we haven't spoken since

November.

I'm not inviting her to my wedding, because I don't think she would

come and be happy and supportive to me. if she came she would just

sit in the back with a scowl on her face and not talk to anyone. i

don't want her there to make me feel baad or guilty on what is

supposed to be the happiest day of my life. She will be pissed

whether i invite her or not, so may as well not invite her.

It does hurt me and make me really sad that my mother cannot be a

postive part of my life anymore. I always thought that a mother was

supposed to help her daughter with wedding stuff and be happy and

excited for her, but that isn't the case here. My sister will be the

only family member of mine at the wedding. She is more excited than

i am! No one else in my family that apparently " loves and supports

me so much " will be there. This makes me so angry at them.

anywho, I'll be sure to post how things go after the wedding...if my

mom does find out about everything (which im sure she will) and try

to crash it. ill be sure to have interesting posts then.

a wedding should be fun, and the best day of your life. do whatever

you can to make it so, even if it means you have to put your NADA in

a cage to keep her contained.

> > > > >

> > > > > My husband and I bent over backwards to include nada in

> our

> > > > > wedding and make her feel special, but also making sure it

> was

> > > the

> > > > > wedding WE wanted. We thought we had pulled it off. She

> > seemed

> > > to

> > > > > have a good time and the day went well but, after we got

> back

> > > from

> > > > > our honeymoon, she didn't return any phone calls. She

then

> > sent

> > > a

> > > > > horrible email telling me how awful I was to her that day,

> that

> > I

> > > > > didn't make any time for her, that my failure to introduce

> her

> > at

> > > > > the reception (no parents were introduced - we did that at

> the

> > > > > rehearsal dinner) was a slap in her face and shows how

> > ungrateful

> > > I

> > > > > am, that it was the worst night of her life, that she

never

> > wants

> > > to

> > > > > see our wedding pictures, etc.

> > > > > I've know she's BPD for a while and I am often the

subject

> of

> > > her

> > > > > rages - and I've dealt with it. But, this feels

different.

> It

> > > was

> > > > > our wedding day. I don't want to give her the power to

ruin

> my

> > > > > wedding memories, but I can't seem to help it. I look at

the

> > > > > pictures from our wedding and it makes me cry. I just

> wanted

> > ONE

> > > > > day - -just ONE day for her to let me be happy. We have

not

> > > spoken

> > > > > since my wedding and I am not sure where to go from here.

I

> > > don't

> > > > > know if I can continue to have a relationship with her.

> Also,

> > I

> > > am

> > > > > worried how this will affect my new family. Any thoughts?

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

The only way for a BP to 'let' you be happy... is for them not to be

there.

Has anyone come up with a good strategy for the rages? I've found being

like an iceberg and not engaging in it one bit most useful. 'That's nice

dear' is the most useful 3 words Ive ever strung together. Here's what I

used to do... I'd hear her winding up for a good old bitch, nothing

makes a BP happier than a good old bitch, and it would start...

'You're so selfish'. 'That's nice, dear'. 'You're the most ungrateful

asshole I've ever laid eyes on'. 'That's nice, dear'. 'Your brothers

don't treat me like this, where did I fail with you?'. 'Everywhere'.

<boo hoo, a quick sob over the phone> 'No one else does it, so it has to

be you'. 'That's nice dear'. 'But I love you'. 'That's nice dear.'...

<phone call continues for about 5 minutes>

'If you say that's nice dear one more time I'll hang up'... CLUNK. I'd

take that as my cue, hang up and steal her extremely precious hanging-up

thunder, and leave the phone off the hook for the next 30 minutes.

Wouldn't hear boo for WEEKS, which suited me fine :-).

> I look at the

> > pictures from our wedding and it makes me cry. I just wanted ONE

> > day - -just ONE day for her to let me be happy.

Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

[Guest guest]

" Has anyone come up with a good strategy for the rages? "

As for me, I wouldn't continue the phone call (or stay in their

presence) beyond the first insult.

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

,

This is good stuff. I do a variation of Unhuu and whatever you say. I can only

do that on

the phone.

In person, I try to act rational (still haven't learned that lesson) and

eventually tell her to F

off and leave.

In Sept. she stayed with me for a week ( never again ) she started raging on me

because I

was drinking Iced Tea and there is diabetes in the family. Did the U Huh thing,

but she

just got nastier, turned it into my weight, then tried to pretend she cared

about my health.

Finally I told her to stick it, put my shoes on and left my own apartment. She

tried to block

my way.

Came back 3 hours later (I went and read a book on bench in the park) Like

nothing

happened.

Ugh

> > I look at the

> > > pictures from our wedding and it makes me cry. I just wanted ONE

> > > day - -just ONE day for her to let me be happy.

>

> Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

>

[Guest guest]

I did a very similar thing for my wedding, and again at my grandpa's

funeral. For my wedding, I wanted to wear my great grandma's pearl

necklace. My mother wanted me to wear my pearls she gave me. Great

grandma's were not real, were old, and meant a lot to me. She was

the family member who supported me through my childhood from across

the country, so the necklace meant a lot to me. She could have cared

less, however, because she was my STEP great grandma and the pearls

were showing their age when you were up close. So I wore the ones I

wanted to for the ceremony, when my mother was too far away to see

and when it meant the most to me. One of my bridesmaids held onto

the other pearls, and after the ceremony came up behind me and

swapped out the necklaces when my mother wasn't looking. I got to

have great grandma's memory with me and there was no argument.

Before my grandpa's funeral, my mother had critiqued every decision

my grandma made about the funeral. Every time it was mentioned, she

had something mean to say. I gave my husband the job of keeping at

least two people between my mother and I for the entire day. This

was October '07, and what I remember of my mother at the funeral was

that she was there and she was only talking to other people. I don't

think I had a single coversation with her. But I was there to cry

with my dad when he said, " Bye, Dad " at the cemetary and I was there

to read from the bible for the service. Everything important to me

and important to my dad happened and I am not tormented by the

uncaring things that my mother is capable of saying when she thinks I

am her confidante.

Sometimes it is all about having a bodyguard who has your back!

Cheryl

> > >

> > > My husband and I bent over backwards to include nada in our

> > > wedding and make her feel special, but also making sure it was

> the

> > > wedding WE wanted. We thought we had pulled it off. She

seemed

> to

> > > have a good time and the day went well but, after we got back

> from

> > > our honeymoon, she didn't return any phone calls. She then

sent

> a

> > > horrible email telling me how awful I was to her that day, that

I

> > > didn't make any time for her, that my failure to introduce her

at

> > > the reception (no parents were introduced - we did that at the

> > > rehearsal dinner) was a slap in her face and shows how

ungrateful

> I

> > > am, that it was the worst night of her life, that she never

wants

> to

> > > see our wedding pictures, etc.

> > > I've know she's BPD for a while and I am often the subject of

> her

> > > rages - and I've dealt with it. But, this feels different. It

> was

> > > our wedding day. I don't want to give her the power to ruin my

> > > wedding memories, but I can't seem to help it. I look at the

> > > pictures from our wedding and it makes me cry. I just wanted

ONE

> > > day - -just ONE day for her to let me be happy. We have not

> spoken

> > > since my wedding and I am not sure where to go from here. I

> don't

> > > know if I can continue to have a relationship with her. Also,

I

> am

> > > worried how this will affect my new family. Any thoughts?

> > >

> >

>