Guest guest Posted January 5, 2008 Report Share Posted January 5, 2008 Hi all- I haven't been on here for awhile but am so upset over my AWFUL christmas break and nada issues I had to come back for a reality check! I was feeling sad and alone like no one understood my emotions until I came back on and started reading posts...I feel a little better now- although still frustruated- Nada's car broke down and she is having my husband fix it for her, so she has had my car since Dec 23. I have two weeks off for christmas so unfortunately I did not have a car for all of my vacation...the best part is her sister decided to get a NEW 350Z car and give (yes GIVE) my nada her " old " car- a 2001 Chevy Monte Carlo Dale Earnheart Edition. This is so she doesn't have to " worry " about her saftey and her car breaking down since she's so panicked all the time about dying in a car accident. (for the record, her car isn't THAT bad) Anyways, I just had to drive her 2 1/2 hours each way to go get her " new " car. I'm kind of relieved that she is getting a newer car since I do have to hear, constanatly, about her current car's problems and hear her whine about how she can't afford a new car and how she's " risking her life " every time she drives anywhere. But, I'm becoming increasingly frustruated with her sister who is an enabeler who has no idea what she's doing when it comes to my mother. I can't believe that she constantly gives in to her- they offered to build a house for her last year because she " couldn't afford " her house payment anymore! Then they offered to have her move in with them for a year to help her " save money " (she has blown $150,000 since 2000) so she can " get back on her feet " . any sugguestions on what, if anything, I should say to my aunt or how to deal with this? I'm, of course, the bad daughter because I don't try to help her enough like her sister, although she got 3 grand from me last January. I feel like it's getting worse and she's getting rewarded for being pathetic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 5, 2008 Report Share Posted January 5, 2008 Hi asmith, My advice is to forget about the aunt and let go. Anything you might do to try to point out nada's problems will only serve to make you look bad. And it won't really change your nada if no one comes to her aid. Give it up and realize that the only person you can change is you. Sounds like you are still feeling responsible for your nada. It should be the other way around. Parents help their children out. Your mother's spending habits will keep her in hot water. You need to make it clear you can't help her with that whether her sister does or not. Actually, it's probably a blessing to you that she has her sister because if she wasn't there for nada you would only feel more responsible. It would be nice to control others and try to teach a lesson to nadas but it just cant be. Make yourself some good boundaries and decide just how much you are willing to do. Then concentrate on living your own life, and getting some peace and joy. Dee > > Hi all- I haven't been on here for awhile but am so upset over my AWFUL > christmas break and nada issues I had to come back for a reality > check! I was feeling sad and alone like no one understood my emotions > until I came back on and started reading posts...I feel a little better > now- although still frustruated- > > Nada's car broke down and she is having my husband fix it for her, so > she has had my car since Dec 23. I have two weeks off for christmas so > unfortunately I did not have a car for all of my vacation...the best > part is her sister decided to get a NEW 350Z car and give (yes GIVE) my > nada her " old " car- a 2001 Chevy Monte Carlo Dale Earnheart Edition. > This is so she doesn't have to " worry " about her saftey and her car > breaking down since she's so panicked all the time about dying in a car > accident. (for the record, her car isn't THAT bad) > > Anyways, I just had to drive her 2 1/2 hours each way to go get > her " new " car. I'm kind of relieved that she is getting a newer car > since I do have to hear, constanatly, about her current car's problems > and hear her whine about how she can't afford a new car and how > she's " risking her life " every time she drives anywhere. But, I'm > becoming increasingly frustruated with her sister who is an enabeler > who has no idea what she's doing when it comes to my mother. I can't > believe that she constantly gives in to her- they offered to build a > house for her last year because she " couldn't afford " her house payment > anymore! Then they offered to have her move in with them for a year to > help her " save money " (she has blown $150,000 since 2000) so she > can " get back on her feet " . > > any sugguestions on what, if anything, I should say to my aunt or how > to deal with this? I'm, of course, the bad daughter because I don't > try to help her enough like her sister, although she got 3 grand from > me last January. I feel like it's getting worse and she's getting > rewarded for being pathetic. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 5, 2008 Report Share Posted January 5, 2008 Hi asmith, and welcome back. Whatever arrangement your mother and her sister have is between them -- so it has nothing to do with you. Sounds like her sister is willing to take her on, so let her! You've already done a lot by lending her your car for 2 weeks -- during YOUR vacation time, and then driving her all that way to get her new car! Just let yourself feel grateful that her sister is taking care of the car situation and that has blessed you, too. I'd say focus on all that you have to be grateful for in this situation -- her sister, her new car, your car back, etc. The only thing I'd say to your aunt, if she brings it up, is 'Thank You' -- you owe her no explanation for anything -- because your relationship with nada is between you two and has nothing to do with her sister (see above). You're getting into guilty feelings -- a popular FOG technique (fear, obligation and guilt), which drags you into the game -- just say no! Don't play~ You are a very good daughter to her - -much better to her, I'm sure than she is to you. Don't fall into the quicksand of her pity-party. Good luck - you can do it! Blessings AZClown New Car for Christmas! Hi all- I haven't been on here for awhile but am so upset over my AWFUL christmas break and nada issues I had to come back for a reality check! I was feeling sad and alone like no one understood my emotions until I came back on and started reading posts...I feel a little better now- although still frustruated- Nada's car broke down and she is having my husband fix it for her, so she has had my car since Dec 23. I have two weeks off for christmas so unfortunately I did not have a car for all of my vacation...the best part is her sister decided to get a NEW 350Z car and give (yes GIVE) my nada her " old " car- a 2001 Chevy Monte Carlo Dale Earnheart Edition. This is so she doesn't have to " worry " about her saftey and her car breaking down since she's so panicked all the time about dying in a car accident. (for the record, her car isn't THAT bad) Anyways, I just had to drive her 2 1/2 hours each way to go get her " new " car. I'm kind of relieved that she is getting a newer car since I do have to hear, constanatly, about her current car's problems and hear her whine about how she can't afford a new car and how she's " risking her life " every time she drives anywhere. But, I'm becoming increasingly frustruated with her sister who is an enabeler who has no idea what she's doing when it comes to my mother. I can't believe that she constantly gives in to her- they offered to build a house for her last year because she " couldn't afford " her house payment anymore! Then they offered to have her move in with them for a year to help her " save money " (she has blown $150,000 since 2000) so she can " get back on her feet " . any sugguestions on what, if anything, I should say to my aunt or how to deal with this? I'm, of course, the bad daughter because I don't try to help her enough like her sister, although she got 3 grand from me last January. I feel like it's getting worse and she's getting rewarded for being pathetic. ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____ Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search. http://tools.search.yahoo.com/newsearch/category.php?category=shopping Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 5, 2008 Report Share Posted January 5, 2008 Thanks for the reminder of FOG- I get sucked into that often and it's so hard to stay out of " the game " . It's like the movie " Wargames " with Broderick when the computer figures out that with war- " The only winning move is not to play " . One day I'm going to have to tell her I'm not playing anymore- although as much as I'd like to I don't know if I can. I'm not ready yet but after every event I think I'm closer to going no contact. I guess the fear of what may happen if I do go NC outweighs anything else at this point. Thanks for the post! amber > > Hi asmith, and welcome back. Whatever arrangement your mother and her sister have is between them -- so it has nothing to do with you. Sounds like her sister is willing to take her on, so let her! > > You've already done a lot by lending her your car for 2 weeks -- during YOUR vacation time, and then driving her all that way to get her new car! Just let yourself feel grateful that her sister is taking care of the car situation and that has blessed you, too. I'd say focus on all that you have to be grateful for in this situation -- her sister, her new car, your car back, etc. The only thing I'd say to your aunt, if she brings it up, is 'Thank You' -- you owe her no explanation for anything -- because your relationship with nada is between you two and has nothing to do with her sister (see above). > > You're getting into guilty feelings -- a popular FOG technique (fear, obligation and guilt), which drags you into the game -- just say no! Don't play~ You are a very good daughter to her - -much better to her, I'm sure than she is to you. Don't fall into the quicksand of her pity-party. > > Good luck - you can do it! > Blessings > AZClown > > > > > > New Car for Christmas! > > Hi all- I haven't been on here for awhile but am so upset over my AWFUL > christmas break and nada issues I had to come back for a reality > check! I was feeling sad and alone like no one understood my emotions > until I came back on and started reading posts...I feel a little better > now- although still frustruated- > > Nada's car broke down and she is having my husband fix it for her, so > she has had my car since Dec 23. I have two weeks off for christmas so > unfortunately I did not have a car for all of my vacation...the best > part is her sister decided to get a NEW 350Z car and give (yes GIVE) my > nada her " old " car- a 2001 Chevy Monte Carlo Dale Earnheart Edition. > This is so she doesn't have to " worry " about her saftey and her car > breaking down since she's so panicked all the time about dying in a car > accident. (for the record, her car isn't THAT bad) > > Anyways, I just had to drive her 2 1/2 hours each way to go get > her " new " car. I'm kind of relieved that she is getting a newer car > since I do have to hear, constanatly, about her current car's problems > and hear her whine about how she can't afford a new car and how > she's " risking her life " every time she drives anywhere. But, I'm > becoming increasingly frustruated with her sister who is an enabeler > who has no idea what she's doing when it comes to my mother. I can't > believe that she constantly gives in to her- they offered to build a > house for her last year because she " couldn't afford " her house payment > anymore! Then they offered to have her move in with them for a year to > help her " save money " (she has blown $150,000 since 2000) so she > can " get back on her feet " . > > any sugguestions on what, if anything, I should say to my aunt or how > to deal with this? I'm, of course, the bad daughter because I don't > try to help her enough like her sister, although she got 3 grand from > me last January. I feel like it's getting worse and she's getting > rewarded for being pathetic. > > > > > > ______________________________________________________________________ ______________ > Looking for last minute shopping deals? > Find them fast with Yahoo! Search. http://tools.search.yahoo.com/newsearch/category.php?category=shopping > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 5, 2008 Report Share Posted January 5, 2008 Amber, You don't really need to tell her that you're not playing anymore -- just change your actions -- they speak louder than words :-) AZClown New Car for Christmas! > > Hi all- I haven't been on here for awhile but am so upset over my AWFUL > christmas break and nada issues I had to come back for a reality > check! I was feeling sad and alone like no one understood my emotions > until I came back on and started reading posts...I feel a little better > now- although still frustruated- > > Nada's car broke down and she is having my husband fix it for her, so > she has had my car since Dec 23. I have two weeks off for christmas so > unfortunately I did not have a car for all of my vacation...the best > part is her sister decided to get a NEW 350Z car and give (yes GIVE) my > nada her " old " car- a 2001 Chevy Monte Carlo Dale Earnheart Edition. > This is so she doesn't have to " worry " about her saftey and her car > breaking down since she's so panicked all the time about dying in a car > accident. (for the record, her car isn't THAT bad) > > Anyways, I just had to drive her 2 1/2 hours each way to go get > her " new " car. I'm kind of relieved that she is getting a newer car > since I do have to hear, constanatly, about her current car's problems > and hear her whine about how she can't afford a new car and how > she's " risking her life " every time she drives anywhere. But, I'm > becoming increasingly frustruated with her sister who is an enabeler > who has no idea what she's doing when it comes to my mother. I can't > believe that she constantly gives in to her- they offered to build a > house for her last year because she " couldn't afford " her house payment > anymore! Then they offered to have her move in with them for a year to > help her " save money " (she has blown $150,000 since 2000) so she > can " get back on her feet " . > > any sugguestions on what, if anything, I should say to my aunt or how > to deal with this? I'm, of course, the bad daughter because I don't > try to help her enough like her sister, although she got 3 grand from > me last January. I feel like it's getting worse and she's getting > rewarded for being pathetic. > > > > > > ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _ ____________ __ > Looking for last minute shopping deals? > Find them fast with Yahoo! Search. http://tools. search.yahoo. com/newsearch/ category. php?category= shopping > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2008 Report Share Posted January 6, 2008 Hi asmith, I can completely understand where you're coming from. My nada, who has plenty of money, is constantly complaining about how expensive her country club fees are (she belongs to 3 clubs). I tell her to drop the memberships, and of course she can't do that. She drives a Jag that's only a few years old and she's upset she can't get a new car. She has a summer home that she's trying to sell for vastamounts over the worth of the home. Won't let anyone appraise the house...I think it's because it will lock in on a lower, yet marketable, number. Since the house isn't selling it also gives her the ability to complain about how none of her houses ever sell and how rotten the real estate agents are. You real estate agents out there, I'm sure, are familiar with this one. I could go on and on. These people will complain about suffering regardless of the quality of what good things may happen. They just aren't happy and so they look for what's wrong rather than looking for what is right. They are hard wired to automatically react this way. You can't battle hard wiring. I don't think talking to your aunt is going to do much good. Your aunt grew up seeing the traumas that happened to your mother which has forever triggered your aunt's enabling button. She's trying to make up for what she saw her sister go through. She is an eye witness to what your mother endured as a child and she could also be feeling responsible for some childhood actions which could have contributed, in some way, to your mother being punished (as children will do) for something, and she now feels regret. They've been through a war together and she feels like she has to maintain loyalty to her sister. This is a special bond between siblings. I don't see why you should attempt to interfere this bond since it won't do anything to make a difference and does have the possibility to make things worse. If your aunt were to stop helping her you would open the door to a plethora of sufferings that I'm not sure you want to experience. She will only be a victim…again. This won't teach her anything since she is forever stuck in a perpetual victims loop. It will be, " the worlds against me " , " nobody loves me " , " I try and try and all I ever get " ….It will get worse…as hard as that is to picture. What works for me is acceptance of where my mother is in this process called life. I realize that she isn't open to learning anything new, especially from me or any other family member. She is perpetually stuck in this victim role and she doesn't want any help out of it. I find humor in her behavior patterns because they are so predictable. When she complains how she's close to poverty because she had to spend $3000 resurfacing the deck while I struggle each month to pay my bills, I realize she's, emotionally speaking, never grown past 3 year old. She's stuck. Since there is nothing I can do help her or teach her. She's not going to change. I've worked on something I can change and teach which is myself. I've learned to let go of her dramas. I let her have them and experience them all by herself. I Don't worry about her anymore because she isn't worrying about me. As children of BPD we have a tendency to get wrapped up in their dysfunctional behavior. When she becomes irrational…you keep your mental faculties. Tell her that you aren't going to talk to her right now and you will call her later to p/u the conversation. She may say something like, don't hang up on me…and you can reply that you're not hanging up on her. You've told her you have to go and you will get back to her later to continue the discussion and just hang up. Then when you think things have cooled down call her back. If she doesn't answer the phone don't worry about it. Leave your message and move on. I don't call my mother again until she calls me, which she will eventually do. What will bother her most of all is you are able to maintain a civil demeanor while she is off the chart. She won't like that at all. She wants you right there in the trenches with her. But you're not because you're happy and life is good. That's all you need to worry about. I have found by taking this approach I have more power and control than I ever did before. My mother doesn't like it but my life is much better for it. Here's an interesting incident that happened during the holidays. I have learned to be happy and I like to make any incident into a reason to be happy. My mother called me on the phone to let me know she was in town (she stays with my brother, yea! (I'll bet you can find the " Happy " in that)). At the end of our conversation she asked me in a demanding way, " Are you seeing someone? " I said, " No " . She responds with, " You always act crazy when you are seeing someone " . I thought about this for a moment and realized that whenever I'm in a new relationship I'm happy (as most people are). So my mother interprets " Happiness " as being crazy. This was a pretty powerful awakening, in and of itself, for me. I flashed back on my childhood and realized that I was trained out of expressing happiness. I realize now why that's the case. My mother can't handle " happy " . It is outside the realm of her experience that she perceives it as being crazy. So I've gone about making myself even happier since this incident helped me to see I was on the right path. Namaste! Pamela > > Hi all- I haven't been on here for awhile but am so upset over my AWFUL > christmas break and nada issues I had to come back for a reality > check! I was feeling sad and alone like no one understood my emotions > until I came back on and started reading posts...I feel a little better > now- although still frustruated- > > Nada's car broke down and she is having my husband fix it for her, so > she has had my car since Dec 23. I have two weeks off for christmas so > unfortunately I did not have a car for all of my vacation...the best > part is her sister decided to get a NEW 350Z car and give (yes GIVE) my > nada her " old " car- a 2001 Chevy Monte Carlo Dale Earnheart Edition. > This is so she doesn't have to " worry " about her saftey and her car > breaking down since she's so panicked all the time about dying in a car > accident. (for the record, her car isn't THAT bad) > > Anyways, I just had to drive her 2 1/2 hours each way to go get > her " new " car. I'm kind of relieved that she is getting a newer car > since I do have to hear, constanatly, about her current car's problems > and hear her whine about how she can't afford a new car and how > she's " risking her life " every time she drives anywhere. But, I'm > becoming increasingly frustruated with her sister who is an enabeler > who has no idea what she's doing when it comes to my mother. I can't > believe that she constantly gives in to her- they offered to build a > house for her last year because she " couldn't afford " her house payment > anymore! Then they offered to have her move in with them for a year to > help her " save money " (she has blown $150,000 since 2000) so she > can " get back on her feet " . > > any sugguestions on what, if anything, I should say to my aunt or how > to deal with this? I'm, of course, the bad daughter because I don't > try to help her enough like her sister, although she got 3 grand from > me last January. I feel like it's getting worse and she's getting > rewarded for being pathetic. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2008 Report Share Posted January 6, 2008 Thanks for relating that they do share that bond of their childhood trauma- I forgot that is probably a major factor in her helping her so much even though she knows that there are issues that she can't fix. I think she does feel responsible for her and that is good because she is the only one that wants to take care of my mother now- she's burned all her other bridges in the family. I guess part of the frustruation I have with my aunt is that I know that my mother complains about how awful of a daughter I am constantly to her, because she tells me things like, " you know, she doesn't think you love her " ... Although, knowing they grew up in the same household that just may be a defense mechanism for her to blame her sister's problems on me also. My mother's behaviors are then justifiable. I do not visit any of that side of my family and when I saw them yesterday it was hard because I realize that setting those boundries with my mother automatically makes me not want to spend time with them either. Mostly because my mother acts very differently (almost a manic everything is " perfect " -this is the best day " ever " kind of way) and it upsets me a lot to see her in that state, because I'm really the only one who sees the oposite side of her when she crashes (they live 2 hours away so only see her on visits). Hope your " crazy " today! That's a funny story that actually, of course, reminds me of something my mother would say! Amber > > > > Hi all- I haven't been on here for awhile but am so upset over my > AWFUL > > christmas break and nada issues I had to come back for a reality > > check! I was feeling sad and alone like no one understood my > emotions > > until I came back on and started reading posts...I feel a little > better > > now- although still frustruated- > > > > Nada's car broke down and she is having my husband fix it for her, > so > > she has had my car since Dec 23. I have two weeks off for > christmas so > > unfortunately I did not have a car for all of my vacation...the > best > > part is her sister decided to get a NEW 350Z car and give (yes > GIVE) my > > nada her " old " car- a 2001 Chevy Monte Carlo Dale Earnheart > Edition. > > This is so she doesn't have to " worry " about her saftey and her car > > breaking down since she's so panicked all the time about dying in a > car > > accident. (for the record, her car isn't THAT bad) > > > > Anyways, I just had to drive her 2 1/2 hours each way to go get > > her " new " car. I'm kind of relieved that she is getting a newer > car > > since I do have to hear, constanatly, about her current car's > problems > > and hear her whine about how she can't afford a new car and how > > she's " risking her life " every time she drives anywhere. But, I'm > > becoming increasingly frustruated with her sister who is an > enabeler > > who has no idea what she's doing when it comes to my mother. I > can't > > believe that she constantly gives in to her- they offered to build > a > > house for her last year because she " couldn't afford " her house > payment > > anymore! Then they offered to have her move in with them for a > year to > > help her " save money " (she has blown $150,000 since 2000) so she > > can " get back on her feet " . > > > > any sugguestions on what, if anything, I should say to my aunt or > how > > to deal with this? I'm, of course, the bad daughter because I > don't > > try to help her enough like her sister, although she got 3 grand > from > > me last January. I feel like it's getting worse and she's getting > > rewarded for being pathetic. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2008 Report Share Posted January 6, 2008 Great post, very succinct:) I can totally relate to the money thing: my nada has had a few rounds of plastic surgery, doesn't look a day over forty (she's 55), gets facials and waxes monthly, has her hair done several times yearly at fancy salons, keeps her nails and toes perfectly coral throughout the year, has six closets of expensive clothes, wears a gucci watch, fur coat and chanel sunglasses throughout the fall and winter, lives in a 1 million+ home, drives a Mercedes Benz and has the gall--this is one of her most irritiating habits!!--to constantly reply to questions like " Can I get you anything else? " with " How about a winning lottery ticket?? " I always think how insane and condescending that must seem to the waiters, gas pumpers, gardeners etc. she says it to. She also hasn't saved a penny and is hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt. It's like watching a financial train wreck, I can't quite tear my eyes from it it's so terrible, but I also live in fear of the day she declares bankruptcy and tries to move in with me!!! pblivingintheraw wrote: Hi asmith, I can completely understand where you're coming from. My nada, who has plenty of money, is constantly complaining about how expensive her country club fees are (she belongs to 3 clubs). I tell her to drop the memberships, and of course she can't do that. She drives a Jag that's only a few years old and she's upset she can't get a new car. She has a summer home that she's trying to sell for vastamounts over the worth of the home. Won't let anyone appraise the house...I think it's because it will lock in on a lower, yet marketable, number. Since the house isn't selling it also gives her the ability to complain about how none of her houses ever sell and how rotten the real estate agents are. You real estate agents out there, I'm sure, are familiar with this one. I could go on and on. These people will complain about suffering regardless of the quality of what good things may happen. They just aren't happy and so they look for what's wrong rather than looking for what is right. They are hard wired to automatically react this way. You can't battle hard wiring. I don't think talking to your aunt is going to do much good. Your aunt grew up seeing the traumas that happened to your mother which has forever triggered your aunt's enabling button. She's trying to make up for what she saw her sister go through. She is an eye witness to what your mother endured as a child and she could also be feeling responsible for some childhood actions which could have contributed, in some way, to your mother being punished (as children will do) for something, and she now feels regret. They've been through a war together and she feels like she has to maintain loyalty to her sister. This is a special bond between siblings. I don't see why you should attempt to interfere this bond since it won't do anything to make a difference and does have the possibility to make things worse. If your aunt were to stop helping her you would open the door to a plethora of sufferings that I'm not sure you want to experience. She will only be a victim…again. This won't teach her anything since she is forever stuck in a perpetual victims loop. It will be, " the worlds against me " , " nobody loves me " , " I try and try and all I ever get " ….It will get worse…as hard as that is to picture. What works for me is acceptance of where my mother is in this process called life. I realize that she isn't open to learning anything new, especially from me or any other family member. She is perpetually stuck in this victim role and she doesn't want any help out of it. I find humor in her behavior patterns because they are so predictable. When she complains how she's close to poverty because she had to spend $3000 resurfacing the deck while I struggle each month to pay my bills, I realize she's, emotionally speaking, never grown past 3 year old. She's stuck. Since there is nothing I can do help her or teach her. She's not going to change. I've worked on something I can change and teach which is myself. I've learned to let go of her dramas. I let her have them and experience them all by herself. I Don't worry about her anymore because she isn't worrying about me. As children of BPD we have a tendency to get wrapped up in their dysfunctional behavior. When she becomes irrational…you keep your mental faculties. Tell her that you aren't going to talk to her right now and you will call her later to p/u the conversation. She may say something like, don't hang up on me…and you can reply that you're not hanging up on her. You've told her you have to go and you will get back to her later to continue the discussion and just hang up. Then when you think things have cooled down call her back. If she doesn't answer the phone don't worry about it. Leave your message and move on. I don't call my mother again until she calls me, which she will eventually do. What will bother her most of all is you are able to maintain a civil demeanor while she is off the chart. She won't like that at all. She wants you right there in the trenches with her. But you're not because you're happy and life is good. That's all you need to worry about. I have found by taking this approach I have more power and control than I ever did before. My mother doesn't like it but my life is much better for it. Here's an interesting incident that happened during the holidays. I have learned to be happy and I like to make any incident into a reason to be happy. My mother called me on the phone to let me know she was in town (she stays with my brother, yea! (I'll bet you can find the " Happy " in that)). At the end of our conversation she asked me in a demanding way, " Are you seeing someone? " I said, " No " . She responds with, " You always act crazy when you are seeing someone " . I thought about this for a moment and realized that whenever I'm in a new relationship I'm happy (as most people are). So my mother interprets " Happiness " as being crazy. This was a pretty powerful awakening, in and of itself, for me. I flashed back on my childhood and realized that I was trained out of expressing happiness. I realize now why that's the case. My mother can't handle " happy " . It is outside the realm of her experience that she perceives it as being crazy. So I've gone about making myself even happier since this incident helped me to see I was on the right path. Namaste! Pamela > > Hi all- I haven't been on here for awhile but am so upset over my AWFUL > christmas break and nada issues I had to come back for a reality > check! I was feeling sad and alone like no one understood my emotions > until I came back on and started reading posts...I feel a little better > now- although still frustruated- > > Nada's car broke down and she is having my husband fix it for her, so > she has had my car since Dec 23. I have two weeks off for christmas so > unfortunately I did not have a car for all of my vacation...the best > part is her sister decided to get a NEW 350Z car and give (yes GIVE) my > nada her " old " car- a 2001 Chevy Monte Carlo Dale Earnheart Edition. > This is so she doesn't have to " worry " about her saftey and her car > breaking down since she's so panicked all the time about dying in a car > accident. (for the record, her car isn't THAT bad) > > Anyways, I just had to drive her 2 1/2 hours each way to go get > her " new " car. I'm kind of relieved that she is getting a newer car > since I do have to hear, constanatly, about her current car's problems > and hear her whine about how she can't afford a new car and how > she's " risking her life " every time she drives anywhere. But, I'm > becoming increasingly frustruated with her sister who is an enabeler > who has no idea what she's doing when it comes to my mother. I can't > believe that she constantly gives in to her- they offered to build a > house for her last year because she " couldn't afford " her house payment > anymore! Then they offered to have her move in with them for a year to > help her " save money " (she has blown $150,000 since 2000) so she > can " get back on her feet " . > > any sugguestions on what, if anything, I should say to my aunt or how > to deal with this? I'm, of course, the bad daughter because I don't > try to help her enough like her sister, although she got 3 grand from > me last January. I feel like it's getting worse and she's getting > rewarded for being pathetic. > --------------------------------- Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 6, 2008 Report Share Posted January 6, 2008 Pamela, I just realized that not only does my nada do everything in her power to pull me down to her way of relating but is not satisfied until she has reduced me to tears and then she jumps back in to good mother role. Carla >What will bother her most of all is > you are able to maintain a civil demeanor while she is off the chart. > She won't like that at all. She wants you right there in the > trenches with her. But you're not because you're happy and life is > good. That's all you need to worry about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 8, 2008 Report Share Posted January 8, 2008 Yes- it's almost like she needs you to be a complete and miserable mess so that she can nuture and console you to make herself feel better- yet she doesn't understand it's imposible to do since she was the one to cause so much hurt in the first place- it's their paradox Amber > > Pamela, > > I just realized that not only does my nada do everything in her power to pull me down to her > way of relating but is not satisfied until she has reduced me to tears and then she jumps > back in to good mother role. > > Carla > > >What will bother her most of all is > > you are able to maintain a civil demeanor while she is off the chart. > > She won't like that at all. She wants you right there in the > > trenches with her. But you're not because you're happy and life is > > good. That's all you need to worry about. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 9, 2008 Report Share Posted January 9, 2008 Yea, my mother does the same thing regarding the lottery. She wants me to play the lottery and if I win put the winnings into her trust fund. I actually find these behaviors amusing at this point. They are forever doomed to live in fear. Namaste! Pamela > > > > Hi all- I haven't been on here for awhile but am so upset over my > AWFUL > > christmas break and nada issues I had to come back for a reality > > check! I was feeling sad and alone like no one understood my > emotions > > until I came back on and started reading posts...I feel a little > better > > now- although still frustruated- > > > > Nada's car broke down and she is having my husband fix it for her, > so > > she has had my car since Dec 23. I have two weeks off for > christmas so > > unfortunately I did not have a car for all of my vacation...the > best > > part is her sister decided to get a NEW 350Z car and give (yes > GIVE) my > > nada her " old " car- a 2001 Chevy Monte Carlo Dale Earnheart > Edition. > > This is so she doesn't have to " worry " about her saftey and her car > > breaking down since she's so panicked all the time about dying in a > car > > accident. (for the record, her car isn't THAT bad) > > > > Anyways, I just had to drive her 2 1/2 hours each way to go get > > her " new " car. I'm kind of relieved that she is getting a newer > car > > since I do have to hear, constanatly, about her current car's > problems > > and hear her whine about how she can't afford a new car and how > > she's " risking her life " every time she drives anywhere. But, I'm > > becoming increasingly frustruated with her sister who is an > enabeler > > who has no idea what she's doing when it comes to my mother. I > can't > > believe that she constantly gives in to her- they offered to build > a > > house for her last year because she " couldn't afford " her house > payment > > anymore! Then they offered to have her move in with them for a > year to > > help her " save money " (she has blown $150,000 since 2000) so she > > can " get back on her feet " . > > > > any sugguestions on what, if anything, I should say to my aunt or > how > > to deal with this? I'm, of course, the bad daughter because I > don't > > try to help her enough like her sister, although she got 3 grand > from > > me last January. I feel like it's getting worse and she's getting > > rewarded for being pathetic. > > > > > > > > > > --------------------------------- > Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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