Guest guest Posted February 5, 2002 Report Share Posted February 5, 2002 B Yes those Putter stories sure do help us all when we need them! We've all seen those gorilla's... my daughter is on the mild end of the spectrum (or so I'm told) and too young for CARS testing. We still had a 30 pound gorilla with a HUGE meltdown in Sam's Club yesterday. The girls on this list are a HUGE inspiration and a support that I don't think I will ever find elsewhere. Best of luck with your son. G Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted February 6, 2002 Report Share Posted February 6, 2002 > I know we have just met, but I wanted to thank you and Putter > especially for saving my sanity a few months ago. Confused? I'll > explain. What a wonderful story! And isn't it AMAZING that you met Putter's mom??? That really touched my heart. Jacquie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 26, 2008 Report Share Posted June 26, 2008 Trust me I know what you mean when you feel like you are like him. I'm like by mom in the things I say (things that aren't hurtful) and even the gestures that I use. The difference is that I can self reflect. It sounds to me like you are very capable in taking responsibility for your behaviors. As for judging, stop that! You may demonstrate similar behaviors as you father, but that doesn't mean that you both act the same way for the same reason. Remember, you don't actually know what he is thinking and cannot discern that. You can, however work on your own behaviors which will also benefit him in the long run. Once we have our own solutions we can have compassion and possibly understand another person in the same situation, but that doesn't mean that we can change them or that they want to change, or that they can even see that change is needed. All this to say,IMO, you are on the right track to becoming your higher self! Congratulations, that's a huge accomplishment! Take Care Of You, JaneSoul Re: Intro Thanks! Yes, I have a therapist; she's mostly psychodynamically oriented, and I don't know what she thinks of DBT. I just read the seminal work on it (_Cognitive- Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder_). I found it very interesting and informative, but reading it was quite emotionally difficult. There were a lot of places where it stated, " Borderline individuals do X because Y, " and my reaction was, " *I* do X because Y... does that mean my dad also does X because Y? And if so, don't I have to judge myself with the exact same measure that I judge him with? " And I also had to keep repeating to myself, " I. Am. Not. Borderline. (... I hope...) " And when it said, " They get that way because of Z, " I often thought, " I know what Z is like, and it's pretty awful... does that mean I have to cut him a lot of slack because of it? " I'm still struggling with the issue of moral judgment, and what I have a right to feel towards him. It seems like if I engage in similar behaviors for similar reasons, I don't have a right to judge myself any less harshly than I judge him. What I really *feel* like doing is judging him to be 100% guilty and myself to be 100% innocent (can we say splitting?); I know that's not reasonable, but I don't know what is... And it seems like I ought to have compassion on him because he probably got that way because he had a miserable childhood (which I never heard much about, but his mother, who is now senile and whom I never really knew, sounds like a narcissist or something from what I've heard and seen of her... and you don't get as screwed up as he is without going through some nasty stuff). And I really don't want to. I don't know what to do with this. I'm afraid that if I let go of the very harsh constraints I put on my feelings and stop forcing myself to be " fair " and " nonjudgmental " and " enlightened, " I will judge him more harshly than he deserves, and let myself off the hook when I am not innocent and in fact am perpetuating the behaviors I learned from him. And then maybe I'll turn into him, and become unreachable. You all may think these fears are unfounded. I think there's at least *something* to them. > > Hi and welcome to the group! It sounds to me like you've already taken a great step in recognizing behaviors that you want to change. Do you see a therapist at all? If you are interested in changing the behaviors that you don't like and believe them to be engrained, you may want to work with a professional in Dialectic Behavioral Therapy. As for Dad, we are here to help validate your problems and feelings! Hope you find this group as fulfilling as I do! > > > Take Care Of You, > JaneSoul > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 26, 2008 Report Share Posted June 26, 2008 Hey , are you NC, LC or what? It sounds to me like you should turn your focus away from your dad and worrying about him and think more about yourself and your own life, future, hopes and goals. As KOs we are taught to put ourselves last so we can take care of our nadas and fadas. This is parentification, and it is very damaging. He is the parent and you are the child, HE should be worrying about you, empathizing with you and caring for you. It's a hard thing to do but I know that you can do it and your life will improve! Remember not to judge yourself for how you feel, you are entitled to feel how you feel. Your actions are a different story - we know we can't act on every feeling and we have to choose carefully what we do - but feel what you feel. If you are angry, be angry. Oh ya, I asked about your contact level because decreasing it may help you to turn your focus from Fada to . It's your life and you only get this one chance to follow your bliss. Hugs, girlscout > > Trust me I know what you mean when you feel like you are like him. I'm > like by mom in the things I say (things that aren't hurtful) and even the > gestures that I use. The difference is that I can self reflect. It sounds > to me like you are very capable in taking responsibility for your > behaviors. As for judging, stop that! You may demonstrate similar > behaviors as you father, but that doesn't mean that you both act the same > way for the same reason. Remember, you don't actually know what he is > thinking and cannot discern that. You can, however work on your own > behaviors which will also benefit him in the long run. Once we have our own > solutions we can have compassion and possibly understand another person in > the same situation, but that doesn't mean that we can change them or that > they want to change, or that they can even see that change is needed. All > this to say,IMO, you are on the right track to becoming your higher self! > Congratulations, that's a huge accomplishment! > > > Take Care Of You, > JaneSoul > > > > Re: Intro > > > Thanks! > > Yes, I have a therapist; she's mostly psychodynamically oriented, and > I don't know what she thinks of DBT. > > I just read the seminal work on it (_Cognitive- Behavioral Treatment of > Borderline Personality Disorder_). I found it very interesting and > informative, but reading it was quite emotionally difficult. There > were a lot of places where it stated, " Borderline individuals do X > because Y, " and my reaction was, " *I* do X because Y... does that mean > my dad also does X because Y? And if so, don't I have to judge myself > with the exact same measure that I judge him with? " And I also had to > keep repeating to myself, " I. Am. Not. Borderline. (... I hope...) " > > And when it said, " They get that way because of Z, " I often thought, > " I know what Z is like, and it's pretty awful... does that mean I have > to cut him a lot of slack because of it? " > > I'm still struggling with the issue of moral judgment, and what I have > a right to feel towards him. It seems like if I engage in similar > behaviors for similar reasons, I don't have a right to judge myself > any less harshly than I judge him. What I really *feel* like doing is > judging him to be 100% guilty and myself to be 100% innocent (can we > say splitting?); I know that's not reasonable, but I don't know what is... > > And it seems like I ought to have compassion on him because he > probably got that way because he had a miserable childhood (which I > never heard much about, but his mother, who is now senile and whom I > never really knew, sounds like a narcissist or something from what > I've heard and seen of her... and you don't get as screwed up as he is > without going through some nasty stuff). And I really don't want to. > > I don't know what to do with this. I'm afraid that if I let go of the > very harsh constraints I put on my feelings and stop forcing myself to > be " fair " and " nonjudgmental " and " enlightened, " I will judge him more > harshly than he deserves, and let myself off the hook when I am not > innocent and in fact am perpetuating the behaviors I learned from him. > And then maybe I'll turn into him, and become unreachable. > > You all may think these fears are unfounded. I think there's at least > *something* to them. > > > > > > > > Hi and welcome to the group! It sounds to me like you've > already taken a great step in recognizing behaviors that you want to > change. Do you see a therapist at all? If you are interested in > changing the behaviors that you don't like and believe them to be > engrained, you may want to work with a professional in Dialectic > Behavioral Therapy. As for Dad, we are here to help validate your > problems and feelings! Hope you find this group as fulfilling as I do! > > > > > > Take Care Of You, > > JaneSoul > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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