Guest guest Posted June 18, 2008 Report Share Posted June 18, 2008 Today, I cried under my bed. I am 26, living at home after an unexpected work related incident caused me to quit my job and I am crying under my bed. I'm not crying because of the things that have happened in my life over the last two months. I am crying because I have no choice but to face the overwhelming loneliness that I have been hiding from myself for years. When I look back over all of my relationships I was the only one present. My mother has BPD. It's not officially diagnosed but after research it is the only thing that explains everything. 26 isn't too young or too old to begin to pick up the pieces of my life and move forward. I always thought the process would be done on my own. But I am at home crying under my bed about middle school, about high school about college. About all the traumatic things that a girl goes through, about which I was always made to feel guilty. I am confronting the fact that I have been groomed for abuse and that the only way to stop it is to take responsibility. And taking responsibility is different than blaming myself. I practiced the word stop today. I realized that I never uttered this word because I was too afraid to deal with the powerlessness that it would reveal. So I learned to bury, to fake a smile, to excel, everything and anything to cover up the feelings. I wasn't very successful. I realize that now. I don't want to cry like this anymore...but I feel that I will be doing this for a long time because I am challenging everything that I was taught. I am gaining the courage to believe that I am lovable...that it doesn't require being successful. And vice versa that failure doesn't mean the loss of love. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 19, 2008 Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 I've felt the same way many times. I'm delighted to hear the courage coming through your voice...keep up the good work. You will get better! > > > Today, I cried under my bed. I am 26, living at home after an > unexpected work related incident caused me to quit my job and I am > crying under my bed. I'm not crying because of the things that have > happened in my life over the last two months. I am crying because I > have no choice but to face the overwhelming loneliness that I have > been hiding from myself for years. > > When I look back over all of my relationships I was the only one > present. My mother has BPD. It's not officially diagnosed but after > research it is the only thing that explains everything. > > 26 isn't too young or too old to begin to pick up the pieces of my > life and move forward. I always thought the process would be done on > my own. But I am at home crying under my bed about middle school, > about high school about college. About all the traumatic things that a > girl goes through, about which I was always made to feel guilty. > > I am confronting the fact that I have been groomed for abuse and that > the only way to stop it is to take responsibility. And taking > responsibility is different than blaming myself. > > I practiced the word stop today. I realized that I never uttered this > word because I was too afraid to deal with the powerlessness that it > would reveal. So I learned to bury, to fake a smile, to excel, > everything and anything to cover up the feelings. > > I wasn't very successful. I realize that now. > > I don't want to cry like this anymore...but I feel that I will be > doing this for a long time because I am challenging everything that I > was taught. I am gaining the courage to believe that I am > lovable...that it doesn't require being successful. And vice versa > that failure doesn't mean the loss of love. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 19, 2008 Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 It is a real shock to the system to finally realize the truth about our families. What you are going through is a natural response to this shock and it will get better. You expressed some wonderful insight in your post, so keep up the good work you are doing. I am not working at the moment and I feel like my full time job for the past two months has been reflecting on my self and my past. Sometimes I think, " Ok, lets move on already " , but I think you can't move forward before you are ready. You have to let it all sink in, and process those memories from the past that keep bubbling up. After reading ten books, discussing things for hours with friends and relatives, and journaling over 100 pages on my computer, I am only just beginning to get in a place of understanding-- understanding the truth about my parents, understanding my role in the family, understanding the effects this has had on me, and understanding how to apply this knowledge in a positive way. All this, and I have not ever experienced overt abuse in my life. You may be right-- you may be crying for a while longer as you work through your past. But it will get better, and we are here to support you. recovery198182 wrote: > > > Today, I cried under my bed. I am 26, living at home after an > unexpected work related incident caused me to quit my job and I am > crying under my bed. I'm not crying because of the things that have > happened in my life over the last two months. I am crying because I > have no choice but to face the overwhelming loneliness that I have > been hiding from myself for years. > > When I look back over all of my relationships I was the only one > present. My mother has BPD. It's not officially diagnosed but after > research it is the only thing that explains everything. > > 26 isn't too young or too old to begin to pick up the pieces of my > life and move forward. I always thought the process would be done on > my own. But I am at home crying under my bed about middle school, > about high school about college. About all the traumatic things that a > girl goes through, about which I was always made to feel guilty. > > I am confronting the fact that I have been groomed for abuse and that > the only way to stop it is to take responsibility. And taking > responsibility is different than blaming myself. > > I practiced the word stop today. I realized that I never uttered this > word because I was too afraid to deal with the powerlessness that it > would reveal. So I learned to bury, to fake a smile, to excel, > everything and anything to cover up the feelings. > > I wasn't very successful. I realize that now. > > I don't want to cry like this anymore...but I feel that I will be > doing this for a long time because I am challenging everything that I > was taught. I am gaining the courage to believe that I am > lovable...that it doesn't require being successful. And vice versa > that failure doesn't mean the loss of love. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 19, 2008 Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 ((((Hugs)))) All that grief at once can be overwhelming. I am moving through it slowly but it is really hard sometimes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 20, 2008 Report Share Posted June 20, 2008 Sugar, my heart goes out to you. Instead of practicing Stop, try STOP DAMMIT! You needed a good cry and no doubt what happened at work was traumatic. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You will need to work things out, but you can do it. There will be another job, there will be other relationships and you will get your sense of self back. I went through a stage where I mourned everything that had ever been denied me. I recognized it for what it was: a self validation. I gave myself permission to acknowledge the shit I had been put through. Make a list, get it out. Don't hide or suppress it anymore. Take this time to do a serious inventory of all the crap you have been put through and then chunk the shit. You deserve better because you are who you are. You have earned the right to exist and feel and be safe. You don't owe anyone anything other than good manners. When you are ready to stop crying you will. Just keep making progress in any way you can. That is what will get you where you need to be. Be strong Under my bed Today, I cried under my bed. I am 26, living at home after an unexpected work related incident caused me to quit my job and I am crying under my bed. I'm not crying because of the things that have happened in my life over the last two months. I am crying because I have no choice but to face the overwhelming loneliness that I have been hiding from myself for years. When I look back over all of my relationships I was the only one present. My mother has BPD. It's not officially diagnosed but after research it is the only thing that explains everything. 26 isn't too young or too old to begin to pick up the pieces of my life and move forward. I always thought the process would be done on my own. But I am at home crying under my bed about middle school, about high school about college. About all the traumatic things that a girl goes through, about which I was always made to feel guilty. I am confronting the fact that I have been groomed for abuse and that the only way to stop it is to take responsibility. And taking responsibility is different than blaming myself. I practiced the word stop today. I realized that I never uttered this word because I was too afraid to deal with the powerlessness that it would reveal. So I learned to bury, to fake a smile, to excel, everything and anything to cover up the feelings. I wasn't very successful. I realize that now. I don't want to cry like this anymore...but I feel that I will be doing this for a long time because I am challenging everything that I was taught.. I am gaining the courage to believe that I am lovable...that it doesn't require being successful. And vice versa that failure doesn't mean the loss of love. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 22, 2008 Report Share Posted June 22, 2008 You are an incredibly strong person and learning to say " stop " is incredibly important when establishing boundaries with BPs. Having a good cry under your bed every now and again may just be what you need to get yourself together. My crying place is the shower Hang in there, 26 is a great age! I am 30 and am almost beginning to understand my nada and how to ensure her illness does not infect my marriage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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