Re: No birthday celebration for me.

January 7, 2008

---

I suggest that you think about the expected response, the

script/behavior which is usually your reaction, and try not to do

it. Act as if you don't know " the rules. " For example, my nada

always wants to keep secrets, such as " don't tell Jo (old family

friend) that you're divorced " , etc. I just don't go along with it.

I remember some years ago when I was very LC, coming home for a

visit and thinking, " I don't understand the rules anymore. " It was

a sign of being more healthy. I really didn't know what the

expected response was (usually I do).

Joanna

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " jeak009 " wrote:

>

> I'm still need to learn how to deal with my nada. When someone

> explained the definition of nada, I almost laughed at how true it

> was. I've always felt like a either a mother to my nada, or that

I

> was supposed to be her friend. I love her, but right now I'm not

> talking to her.

>

> My birthday was Dec. 31st. Over the holidays, my whole family was

> able to get together - me and my husband, my brother and his wife,

my

> nada and dad. It occurred to me soon after my husband and I

arrived

> at my parents that I was the bad one this visit. It usually

bounces

> back between my brother and I. Well, whenever family is together

and

> a birthday is close we have a tradition - go out to dinner, come

> home, sing Happy Birthday, have cake, ice cream, open gifts. This

is

> the first time ever that we didn't do it, and it was for my

birthday.

>

> Shortly before we left for my dinner, my mom pulled me aside and

said

> I don't talk to her anymore. Now first of all, I talk to my mom

at

> least once a week on the phone. I tried to explain it to her but

> it's like talking to a wall. She lives in her own reality. I

then

> explained that I'm busy with my own life - my job, husband - she

> didn't really say anything. Then she went on about how I didn't

do

> anything for her birthday, which was a month before mine. First

off,

> I called her twice to wish her HB. My dad was taking her on a

> special birthday trip so we couldn't get together to celebrate. I

> told her that I got her two xmas presents to make up for it. Not

> good enough. She then reverts to this child like voice and

actions

> saying that I could have made her a card like a little girl. I

told

> her I wasn't a little girl. I'm 29. Then she starts crying. I

> hugged her, told her I love her, then walked away. I really feel

> like I'm going through the motions anymore.

>

> The whole visit was crap. My sister-in-law, nada, and me were

> supposed to go for lunch one of the days. When my s SIL said she

> didn't want ot go, I overheard my nada telling her that if she

didn't

> go, then she didn't want to go alone with me. What the heck was

> that?

>

> Needless to say, there was no cake, no singing, nothing. I waited

> til we left, thinking maybe they'd do something at the last

minute.

> Even my brother thought it was weird. I did talk to her before I

> left and told her how I felt. She said my gift was in the mail.

> That's not the point. First of all - why does she have to mail

it?

> Second of all - I know she was taking me not sending her a stupid

> card out on me. She said they had a cake there. You know what it

> was? A half-eaten German Chocolate cake that she bought for

xmas. I

> told her it was a cop out, and if we're not going to celebrate b-

days

> anymore than just tell me. She said she was sorry, but I know she

> isn't. I got upset and walked away before crying. When I said

> goodbye to everyone I started bawling. I was so mad at myself for

> not waiting till I got in the car. I couldn't help it.

>

> And my dad - he just lets it happen! I don't know how he's lived

> with her all these years. I haven't talked to my nada since then,

> but my dad emails me today saying to call my mom - she could

really

> use a call from me. I don't know what to do. I don't want to

call.

> But I know my dad will just keep hounding me until I do. What do

I

> tell him?

>

January 7, 2008

jek009 -- so sorry that happened to you! If it's any consolation,

my nada ignores my birthday totally, then I get hammered by fada if

I don't call her on her birthday (yet, I always send a card).

Christmas, she didn't lift a finger to send anything -- so I guess

the NC is flowing both ways now.

My fada does that same " call your mother -- she needs to hear from

you " crap. Never mind that she takes off and ignores me -- all that

matters is what I'm doing for her. Never mind she's a shit who

wants everyone to be as miserable as she is -- he ignores all of her

misdeeds just like your father does.

I know what you mean when you could just kick yourself for not being

able to hold your tears until you got into the car! Now she knows

you care -- but you also had a good point when you said " If we

weren't celebrating birthdays anymore, you could have told me. " --

Now you're off the hook for her birthday next time. At least you

said that much.

She has the power to hurt, she knows it, and she uses it. Maybe try

to think of your tears as a sign that you are a normal human and you

care -- take that as a sign that you're a good person. That's a LOT

of pressure to have everyone gathered and no one does anything for

your birthday -- it's like everyone was gathered for your birthday,

but pointedly ignored it. That hurts.

And for what? Because you didn't do ENOUGH for your mother? All

she can see is what DIDN'T happen on that day. That little girl

voice that you " could have made her a card " was pitiful. Good for

you for telling her you're not a little girl!

-Kyla

>

> I'm still need to learn how to deal with my nada. When someone

> explained the definition of nada, I almost laughed at how true it

> was. I've always felt like a either a mother to my nada, or that

I

> was supposed to be her friend. I love her, but right now I'm not

> talking to her.

>

> My birthday was Dec. 31st. Over the holidays, my whole family was

> able to get together - me and my husband, my brother and his wife,

my

> nada and dad. It occurred to me soon after my husband and I

arrived

> at my parents that I was the bad one this visit. It usually

bounces

> back between my brother and I. Well, whenever family is together

and

> a birthday is close we have a tradition - go out to dinner, come

> home, sing Happy Birthday, have cake, ice cream, open gifts. This

is

> the first time ever that we didn't do it, and it was for my

birthday.

>

> Shortly before we left for my dinner, my mom pulled me aside and

said

> I don't talk to her anymore. Now first of all, I talk to my mom

at

> least once a week on the phone. I tried to explain it to her but

> it's like talking to a wall. She lives in her own reality. I

then

> explained that I'm busy with my own life - my job, husband - she

> didn't really say anything. Then she went on about how I didn't

do

> anything for her birthday, which was a month before mine. First

off,

> I called her twice to wish her HB. My dad was taking her on a

> special birthday trip so we couldn't get together to celebrate. I

> told her that I got her two xmas presents to make up for it. Not

> good enough. She then reverts to this child like voice and

actions

> saying that I could have made her a card like a little girl. I

told

> her I wasn't a little girl. I'm 29. Then she starts crying. I

> hugged her, told her I love her, then walked away. I really feel

> like I'm going through the motions anymore.

>

> The whole visit was crap. My sister-in-law, nada, and me were

> supposed to go for lunch one of the days. When my s SIL said she

> didn't want ot go, I overheard my nada telling her that if she

didn't

> go, then she didn't want to go alone with me. What the heck was

> that?

>

> Needless to say, there was no cake, no singing, nothing. I waited

> til we left, thinking maybe they'd do something at the last

minute.

> Even my brother thought it was weird. I did talk to her before I

> left and told her how I felt. She said my gift was in the mail.

> That's not the point. First of all - why does she have to mail

it?

> Second of all - I know she was taking me not sending her a stupid

> card out on me. She said they had a cake there. You know what it

> was? A half-eaten German Chocolate cake that she bought for

xmas. I

> told her it was a cop out, and if we're not going to celebrate b-

days

> anymore than just tell me. She said she was sorry, but I know she

> isn't. I got upset and walked away before crying. When I said

> goodbye to everyone I started bawling. I was so mad at myself for

> not waiting till I got in the car. I couldn't help it.

>

> And my dad - he just lets it happen! I don't know how he's lived

> with her all these years. I haven't talked to my nada since then,

> but my dad emails me today saying to call my mom - she could

really

> use a call from me. I don't know what to do. I don't want to

call.

> But I know my dad will just keep hounding me until I do. What do

I

> tell him?

>

January 8, 2008

Kyla,

Thanks so much for your response! It really made me feel better about

the whole situation. I'm sick of giving into her and refuse to do it

anymore.

Jenn

January 8, 2008

I am very sorry to hear about your birthday. This is what I would do next year.

I would arrive at the next family get together in December with my husband

carrying a 1/4 sheet cake with HAPPY BIRTHDAY + my name written on it. He would

also carry in about 4-5 of those silver shiny dollar store balloons with Happy

Birthday written all over them.

I would walk in with a big smile on my face and say, " Isn't my husband

wonderful? He gets so excited about my birthday!!! "

This way you have the cake and their is no excuse. My nada would always try

and ignore my birthday until my husband showed up at their house with birthday

ice cream cake, baloons, presents, and my son. My nada had no choice but to

shut her mouth and eat my cake.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

jeak009 wrote:

I'm still need to learn how to deal with my nada. When someone

explained the definition of nada, I almost laughed at how true it

was. I've always felt like a either a mother to my nada, or that I

was supposed to be her friend. I love her, but right now I'm not

talking to her.

My birthday was Dec. 31st. Over the holidays, my whole family was

able to get together - me and my husband, my brother and his wife, my

nada and dad. It occurred to me soon after my husband and I arrived

at my parents that I was the bad one this visit. It usually bounces

back between my brother and I. Well, whenever family is together and

a birthday is close we have a tradition - go out to dinner, come

home, sing Happy Birthday, have cake, ice cream, open gifts. This is

the first time ever that we didn't do it, and it was for my birthday.

Shortly before we left for my dinner, my mom pulled me aside and said

I don't talk to her anymore. Now first of all, I talk to my mom at

least once a week on the phone. I tried to explain it to her but

it's like talking to a wall. She lives in her own reality. I then

explained that I'm busy with my own life - my job, husband - she

didn't really say anything. Then she went on about how I didn't do

anything for her birthday, which was a month before mine. First off,

I called her twice to wish her HB. My dad was taking her on a

special birthday trip so we couldn't get together to celebrate. I

told her that I got her two xmas presents to make up for it. Not

good enough. She then reverts to this child like voice and actions

saying that I could have made her a card like a little girl. I told

her I wasn't a little girl. I'm 29. Then she starts crying. I

hugged her, told her I love her, then walked away. I really feel

like I'm going through the motions anymore.

The whole visit was crap. My sister-in-law, nada, and me were

supposed to go for lunch one of the days. When my s SIL said she

didn't want ot go, I overheard my nada telling her that if she didn't

go, then she didn't want to go alone with me. What the heck was

that?

Needless to say, there was no cake, no singing, nothing. I waited

til we left, thinking maybe they'd do something at the last minute.

Even my brother thought it was weird. I did talk to her before I

left and told her how I felt. She said my gift was in the mail.

That's not the point. First of all - why does she have to mail it?

Second of all - I know she was taking me not sending her a stupid

card out on me. She said they had a cake there. You know what it

was? A half-eaten German Chocolate cake that she bought for xmas. I

told her it was a cop out, and if we're not going to celebrate b-days

anymore than just tell me. She said she was sorry, but I know she

isn't. I got upset and walked away before crying. When I said

goodbye to everyone I started bawling. I was so mad at myself for

not waiting till I got in the car. I couldn't help it.

And my dad - he just lets it happen! I don't know how he's lived

with her all these years. I haven't talked to my nada since then,

but my dad emails me today saying to call my mom - she could really

use a call from me. I don't know what to do. I don't want to call.

But I know my dad will just keep hounding me until I do. What do I

tell him?

---------------------------------

Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.

January 8, 2008

Great idea! It also has the added benefit of shining a bright light

on what they DIDN'T do!

January 8, 2008

What a great idea! Thanks so much!

January 8, 2008

Wow, that's terrible. I'm sorry they ruined your birthday! Happy

birthday, by the way! My twenty-ninth is in three months.

My stepnada is exactly the same way. Whenever it is someone's

birthday or some other noteworthy day, she either picks a fight, or

pretends to be ill so that the attention goes right back to her.

She can't stand that spotlight being pointed in another direction.

These nadas of ours seem to love to hurt us on days that are special

to us, they have some sort of sixth sense about it, but they expect

their special days (everyday!!!) to be celebrated with over the top

fanfare! Especially if the nada is a " Queen " (which mine is). They

also don't understand why we don't pay them as much attention as we

did when we were kids. They don't seem to get the whole " grown up,

married, and living our own lives, " phenomenon that most people

understand. They also don't get that we're free, and will choose to

limit contact when we are abused, since we aren't trapped under

their roof anymore. Like you, I also have a doormat father, who

never defends my sister and I, and expects us to " just apologize " no

matter who's wrong (and it's usually stepnada). He's stopped

talking to my sister and her child because stepnada is mad at sister

over some petty nonsense. It's sad and pathetic. He's written his

own child and grandchild out of his life because he'd rather not

fight for what's right.

::Hugs::

>

> I'm still need to learn how to deal with my nada. When someone

> explained the definition of nada, I almost laughed at how true it

> was. I've always felt like a either a mother to my nada, or that

I

> was supposed to be her friend. I love her, but right now I'm not

> talking to her.

>

> My birthday was Dec. 31st. Over the holidays, my whole family was

> able to get together - me and my husband, my brother and his wife,

my

> nada and dad. It occurred to me soon after my husband and I

arrived

> at my parents that I was the bad one this visit. It usually

bounces

> back between my brother and I. Well, whenever family is together

and

> a birthday is close we have a tradition - go out to dinner, come

> home, sing Happy Birthday, have cake, ice cream, open gifts. This

is

> the first time ever that we didn't do it, and it was for my

birthday.

>

> Shortly before we left for my dinner, my mom pulled me aside and

said

> I don't talk to her anymore. Now first of all, I talk to my mom

at

> least once a week on the phone. I tried to explain it to her but

> it's like talking to a wall. She lives in her own reality. I

then

> explained that I'm busy with my own life - my job, husband - she

> didn't really say anything. Then she went on about how I didn't

do

> anything for her birthday, which was a month before mine. First

off,

> I called her twice to wish her HB. My dad was taking her on a

> special birthday trip so we couldn't get together to celebrate. I

> told her that I got her two xmas presents to make up for it. Not

> good enough. She then reverts to this child like voice and

actions

> saying that I could have made her a card like a little girl. I

told

> her I wasn't a little girl. I'm 29. Then she starts crying. I

> hugged her, told her I love her, then walked away. I really feel

> like I'm going through the motions anymore.

>

> The whole visit was crap. My sister-in-law, nada, and me were

> supposed to go for lunch one of the days. When my s SIL said she

> didn't want ot go, I overheard my nada telling her that if she

didn't

> go, then she didn't want to go alone with me. What the heck was

> that?

>

> Needless to say, there was no cake, no singing, nothing. I waited

> til we left, thinking maybe they'd do something at the last

minute.

> Even my brother thought it was weird. I did talk to her before I

> left and told her how I felt. She said my gift was in the mail.

> That's not the point. First of all - why does she have to mail

it?

> Second of all - I know she was taking me not sending her a stupid

> card out on me. She said they had a cake there. You know what it

> was? A half-eaten German Chocolate cake that she bought for

xmas. I

> told her it was a cop out, and if we're not going to celebrate b-

days

> anymore than just tell me. She said she was sorry, but I know she

> isn't. I got upset and walked away before crying. When I said

> goodbye to everyone I started bawling. I was so mad at myself for

> not waiting till I got in the car. I couldn't help it.

>

> And my dad - he just lets it happen! I don't know how he's lived

> with her all these years. I haven't talked to my nada since then,

> but my dad emails me today saying to call my mom - she could

really

> use a call from me. I don't know what to do. I don't want to

call.

> But I know my dad will just keep hounding me until I do. What do

I

> tell him?

>

January 9, 2008

I recently sent my brother some vacation pictures of me and my sweetie. He just

casually mentioned that I had sent them to my mother, who was immediately

jealous. He told her not to take it so seriously, and she hung up on him, like

she does.-- Envy and jealousy are really strong for her. She seems to think

she can bully everybody into loving her. Very sad!