Re: Re: What if we KO's don't have any childhood memories???

[Guest guest]

Traumas can be like that- PTSD means flashbacks of long suppressed emotions and

triggers, which is what children do when they overwhelmed by pain. I have

several crises burned on my memory, while others have emerged to my shock at

different stages of my evolution. Real horrors emotionally. Nada was full of a

victorian coldness and punishment right out of Dickens; no warmth whatsoever-

which is one reason I suspect she has narcissistic pd as well. It seems that

BPDs can show ( and experience?) warmth. Randi put me onto that track when I

thought it was all BPD but so utterly cold and deliberate. She had no nice side

that I ever saw.

After our estrangement was over and I was in her good books( these days she can

actually carry on pleasant conversations although she sneers behind anyone back

that falls for her sweetness), she went so far as to tell me, and repeat, that

there is no point wasting time trying to fix the past. I believe that is as

close to an apology as she can come, and I wouldnt dream of disappointing myself

by asking her what she would fix if she could.

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[Guest guest]

Kara,

I could have copied your last post word for word. I too find journaling to

unleash the memories. I also found childhood friends to be very helpful in

validating what I went through.

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[Guest guest]

Beverly,

My mother said she wouldn't change a thing ! Nice, hmm?Kara Willette

To: WTOAdultChildren1@...: oldauntkate@...: Fri, 11 Jan

2008 08:03:09 -0500Subject: RE: Re: What if we KO's don't

have any childhood memories???

Traumas can be like that- PTSD means flashbacks of long suppressed emotions and

triggers, which is what children do when they overwhelmed by pain. I have

several crises burned on my memory, while others have emerged to my shock at

different stages of my evolution. Real horrors emotionally. Nada was full of a

victorian coldness and punishment right out of Dickens; no warmth whatsoever-

which is one reason I suspect she has narcissistic pd as well. It seems that

BPDs can show ( and experience?) warmth. Randi put me onto that track when I

thought it was all BPD but so utterly cold and deliberate. She had no nice side

that I ever saw.After our estrangement was over and I was in her good books(

these days she can actually carry on pleasant conversations although she sneers

behind anyone back that falls for her sweetness), she went so far as to tell me,

and repeat, that there is no point wasting time trying to fix the past. I

believe that is as close to an apology as she can come, and I wouldnt dream of

disappointing myself by asking her what she would fix if she could.

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[Guest guest]

Funny, isn't it. I used to wonder why, for as long as I can remember,

I've loved winter. Everyone thinks I'm just so wierd...

It took till the age of 34 (!) before I remembered... When I was 6 or

so, I liked it getting dark early because when Yeti roared up the

driveway (which relates to an old post about her 'exciting' driving) it

would seem like she was coming home late. It would be the same time as

in summer, but at least it would seem later. And if it rained she'd get

wet, which I liked of course, even though I knew she'd be in a

worse-then-sheer-hell mood. As opposed to being in a sheer-hell mood, it

really didn't make much difference, she'd still scream just as loud

about anything and everything...

And I used to like, when she was a stay at home Yeti (thank god that

didn't last long), seeing someone else's car in the drive when I got

home from my yeti-free haven of school. She'd be On Public View then,

acting the Selfless Mother Of The Millenium role. My god she really was

good at it. Her friends (even though they changed every 5 minutes) were

mine coz they made her *act* like a mother. I wish they'd have moved in

(but I'll bet they are glad they didn't)...

She really was that bad.

> i just

> suddenly remembered how every single day of my childhood, the hours

> between 3 and 6 were SOOoo stressful.

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[Guest guest]

Maybe we only remember the bad things bacause the that's all there was

to remember.

> Maybe we only remember the bad things.

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[Guest guest]

Dear Carla,

Thanks for this post and the info on repressed memories. My daughter has just

recently uncovered some repressed memories, and her daughter is the age now that

she was then. It involved my fada, so I've had lots of rage and upset going on

within me as a result. My daughter and her family (including her daughters -

ages 6 & 3) came for the holidays and with my fada living nearby, it was quite

tense. My daughter chose not to confront the situation, since it can't be

substantiated and she'd be stirring up a whole mess that would likely explode on

her. He's still the great manipulator and has never admitted he might be wrong

about anything.

I have not remembered any direct sexual abuse by him, just mental and emotional

abuse. Maybe like #3 says, I'll remember at the time of his death. I am ready

to say goodbye to him. He has tormented this family long enough and I can't

think of a single soul who will be sorry to see him go. I hate to feel this way

-- as he was financially generous to us - -but it all came with a pricetag. I

bless and release him to his highest good.

AZClown

Re: What if we KO's don't have any childhood

memories???

Ok, been watching this thread for a while. SOMEWHERE in the book Understanding

the

Borderline Mother it discusses KO's having memory issues including difficulty

keeping

their thoughts focused. I call this train of thought derailments. I have

occasionally joked

that my train of thought has been deemed an off road/rail vehicle.

I had a friend that was a counselor and specialized in working with victims of

severe

abuse. One of the things I specifically remember from our talking was repressed

memories.

1. repressed memories are a very strong defense mechanism

2. the human mind tends to distort things toward being better not worse. (for

those that

disbelieve in recovered memories in the mental healthcare field)

3. many people will recover memories when they....are ready to deal with them,

when their

own child reaches the age they were when they were abused, when the perpetrator

dies.

ect. ( I have also known some people that recovered memories after being

involved in drug

abuse )

4. on average most people start recovering memories in their thirties and

forties. This is

the time that most peoples psyches have developed enough that the blocks between

them

and the memories begin to crumble.

All I really know is that the more I study about the mind and psychology and

energy the

more intrigued I am and the more questions it raises.

Carla

>

> Oh my god. I have often wondered the same thing! I remember some good

> times, but it's very fuzzy. Of course there are some things that are

> very vivid - getting kicked in the stomach when I didn't clean the

> house to her specifications, spilling a pitcher of kool-aid on the

> floor before school and her keeping me home as punishment (I was so

> terrified!), being molested by a stranger who walked into our house

> while my dad was walking the dog and her not believing me when I told

> her (she still denied when I brought it up a couple years ago), her

> jumping out of the car while we were driving to visit family on the

> highway. Maybe we only remember the bad things. Maybe my mother is

> just crazy...It's okay that you don't remember things. Sometimes I

> wish I could just wipe my mind blank...

>

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[Guest guest]

Carla,

Good thoughts -- thanks for the insights - it helps a lot! I don't want to

think that he molested me, but it just seemed unlikely that he would molest her

without also me. The age factor is a very reassuring point - thanks!

AZClown

Re: What if we KO's don't have any childhood

memories???

AZClown,

Keep in mind one more thing. As the BP nada/fada age they get worse (without

help) the

impulses that your fada permitted to consume him enough to violate your daughter

may

have been easier to resist when you were young. It is like those filters that

allow them to

function in society and resist taboo and unacceptable behaviors break down as

they age.

Things make it thru the gigantic holes in their filters that finally start to

expose them for the

dysfunctional beings they are. In other words, he may not have molested you at

all and that

does not invalidate what happened to your daughter.

Just a thought.

Carla

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[Guest guest]

My memoires of childhood are very, very patchy too. I also tend to remember

things not being as bad as they actually were (in hindsight).

I did unearth a particularly creepy memory today--I'm reading 'Surviving the

Borderline Parent' and one of the sections was about BPs expecting their

children to act like little adults from a very young age. I was constantly

scolded when I was little for not paying attention but I think, in reality, she

assigned me tasks inappropriate for a child and then was furious when I didn't

understand her directions. I remember one time when I was about six, she made

pumpkin muffins and then left me alone at the house, asking me to take them out

when they were done. I'm sure I wandered off to play with dolls or something

but sure enough, they were in the oven for about an hour and caught on fire and

were totally charred. I took them out but the kitchen was all smoky and when

nada came home, she forced me to eat a black, charcoal-like muffin as a lesson

in " listening to and following directions " .

Scary! It can be so disconcerting when memories like that pop out of nowhere.

I also wonder what other repressed ones are lurking in there...

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