Re: What if we KO's don't have any childhood memories???

[Guest guest]

yep.

>

> I have read all your descriptive stories on your childhoods and I

have

> to wonder why I don't really have many of my own???

>

> I have always had a hard time remembering the details of fights or

old

> stories, where my BP sister always had great embellished ones.

She

> fibs alot and stretches a story way out....making you feel like

you

> are crazy, and after I would disagree with her or give her a

> look....she would say " you don't remember anything " .

>

> Now I have to wonder if she is right. I did have a therapist who

> suggest regression therapy.....but I wasn't into it at the time.

>

> With what my brother says about our childhood, maybe I don't want

to

> remember???

>

> Any one else with a foggy memory??? drlingirl

>

[Guest guest]

Hi!

I've lost an entire year - first grade. That was the year my

parents divorced and remarried. I guess a teacher came to my mother

and cautioned her about my mental state. The only memory I have is

when my dad left, and a preschool teacher rocking me on her knee

while I was sobbing. Not good.

As far as the BPD parent who entered my life at that time, a lot of

memories are hazy, and I often question whether I am dreaming things

up sometimes. But my sister has the exact same memory and feelings

about the event, so I know I'm not crazy. Interactions with

stepnada today confirm suspicions. She once told me that wives are

more important than daughters (I was maybe 8 or 9). Unbelievable

thing to tell a child that had just gone through a divorce. She

repeated this disgusting line to me right before I married my

husband.

>

> I have read all your descriptive stories on your childhoods and I

have

> to wonder why I don't really have many of my own???

>

> I have always had a hard time remembering the details of fights or

old

> stories, where my BP sister always had great embellished ones.

She

> fibs alot and stretches a story way out....making you feel like

you

> are crazy, and after I would disagree with her or give her a

> look....she would say " you don't remember anything " .

>

> Now I have to wonder if she is right. I did have a therapist who

> suggest regression therapy.....but I wasn't into it at the time.

>

> With what my brother says about our childhood, maybe I don't want

to

> remember???

>

> Any one else with a foggy memory??? drlingirl

>

[Guest guest]

I don't, but my little sister can't remember anything from our

childhood. I always ran defense for her and would fight back for

both of us. I think it is a defense mechanism. You don't have to

feel bad about things you don't remember. I wouldn't work to hard on

the remembering part.

>

> I have read all your descriptive stories on your childhoods and I

have

> to wonder why I don't really have many of my own???

>

> I have always had a hard time remembering the details of fights or

old

> stories, where my BP sister always had great embellished ones. She

> fibs alot and stretches a story way out....making you feel like you

> are crazy, and after I would disagree with her or give her a

> look....she would say " you don't remember anything " .

>

> Now I have to wonder if she is right. I did have a therapist who

> suggest regression therapy.....but I wasn't into it at the time.

>

> With what my brother says about our childhood, maybe I don't want

to

> remember???

>

> Any one else with a foggy memory??? drlingirl

>

[Guest guest]

i think i had a flashback on tuesday. it was very strange. i got

off of work and i was stressed out and for some reason, i just

suddenly remembered how every single day of my childhood, the hours

between 3 and 6 were SOOoo stressful. when my parents were married,

i was always tense because i thought they would start fighting, and

when my parents got divorced, this was when mom would be the most

likely to flip out. this was also the time when i took over duty for

my baby sister and had to cook dinner. and when my dad picked me up

from school, he also screamed at other drivers all the way home,

which was pretty unpleasant. it just struck me and was so

awful...then i cried uncontrollably for 8 hours. that was bad news,

especially since i have never felt better after crying over anything.

bink

>

> Of course, nobody can remember EVERYthing about childhood--we

simply

> don't need to.

>

> However, if there are large chunks of time for which you have no

> memories, it is very possible that you are repressing something.

>

> As I understand it, other " symptoms " of repressed memories can be

PTSD-

> style " flashbacks " that someone described earlier (sudden visions

or

> memories that seem to jump at you from out of nowhere), nightmares,

> panic attacks, and an aversion to dental care, among others. I

thumbed

> through an interesting book on the subject at the bookstore a month

or

> so ago. Wish I could remember more (ha). Often, flashbacks or

panic

> attacks begin when they undergo life changes, such as having their

own

> children, reaching adulthood, etc.

>

> Hope that's helpful.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I don't have many childhood memories, and I also have missing

memories from my adult life. As an adult, the missing memories are

more mundane - like where was someone married, or what was the year

of the great ice storm. What I have learned is that when I am under

extreme stress, I just don't remember what is going on. As a child,

my focus was on not doing anything to provoke nada - so I wasn't at

all aware of what was happening, except for her actions. And as an

adult, when there were stressful events in my life, I again would be

so focused on my reaction to the stress that I wasn't aware of what

else was occuring.

sylvia

> >

> > I have read all your descriptive stories on your childhoods and

I

> have

> > to wonder why I don't really have many of my own???

> >

> > I have always had a hard time remembering the details of fights

or

> old

> > stories, where my BP sister always had great embellished ones.

She

> > fibs alot and stretches a story way out....making you feel like

you

> > are crazy, and after I would disagree with her or give her a

> > look....she would say " you don't remember anything " .

> >

> > Now I have to wonder if she is right. I did have a therapist

who

> > suggest regression therapy.....but I wasn't into it at the

time.

> >

> > With what my brother says about our childhood, maybe I don't

want

> to

> > remember???

> >

> > Any one else with a foggy memory??? drlingirl

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Speaking of flashbacks, my mind has been flooded with forgotten

memories lately, ever since I went NC. Most of them bad, though. But

every single day I've been having these random flashbacks of my NADA

when I was younger. Another thing, I've been having CRAZY and vivid

dreams at night. I asked my therapist about the dreams, if there is

any correlation between them and going NC. and she said it is VERY

possible, because I've made a major change in my life and ive

beendealig with it and processing it, and that your mind doesnt stop

doing that when you sleep. it keeps on going even though your body is

resting. hence the weird crazy dreams. i even had a dream that my

fiancee (who is a man) was pregnant! i laughed after waking up from

that one!

> >

> > Of course, nobody can remember EVERYthing about childhood--we

> simply

> > don't need to.

> >

> > However, if there are large chunks of time for which you have no

> > memories, it is very possible that you are repressing something.

> >

> > As I understand it, other " symptoms " of repressed memories can be

> PTSD-

> > style " flashbacks " that someone described earlier (sudden visions

> or

> > memories that seem to jump at you from out of nowhere),

nightmares,

> > panic attacks, and an aversion to dental care, among others. I

> thumbed

> > through an interesting book on the subject at the bookstore a

month

> or

> > so ago. Wish I could remember more (ha). Often, flashbacks or

> panic

> > attacks begin when they undergo life changes, such as having

their

> own

> > children, reaching adulthood, etc.

> >

> > Hope that's helpful.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I also tend to have foggy memories. I agree that extreme stress can

mess with the memory. I got a really good example of this when I was

attacked by a mugger a couple of years ago. The man pulled my hair

and bit me...of course I could process that I'd been bitten. But I

found a clump of hair stuck to my bag and thought it belonged to my

attacker. It took about twenty minutes for me to realize this snarl

of hair was mine and was a result of his yanking it out of my head. I

wasn't even clued in by the soreness on my scalp. I truly did not

remember it at all until it came back to me in a flash.

It's scary to think how often I've reset to zero.

Cheers,

Sakura

>

> I don't have many childhood memories, and I also have missing

> memories from my adult life. As an adult, the missing memories are

> more mundane - like where was someone married, or what was the year

> of the great ice storm. What I have learned is that when I am

under

> extreme stress, I just don't remember what is going on. As a

child,

> my focus was on not doing anything to provoke nada - so I wasn't at

> all aware of what was happening, except for her actions. And as an

> adult, when there were stressful events in my life, I again would

be

> so focused on my reaction to the stress that I wasn't aware of what

> else was occuring.

>

> sylvia

[Guest guest]

Ok, been watching this thread for a while. SOMEWHERE in the book Understanding

the

Borderline Mother it discusses KO's having memory issues including difficulty

keeping

their thoughts focused. I call this train of thought derailments. I have

occasionally joked

that my train of thought has been deemed an off road/rail vehicle.

I had a friend that was a counselor and specialized in working with victims of

severe

abuse. One of the things I specifically remember from our talking was repressed

memories.

1. repressed memories are a very strong defense mechanism

2. the human mind tends to distort things toward being better not worse. (for

those that

disbelieve in recovered memories in the mental healthcare field)

3. many people will recover memories when they...are ready to deal with them,

when their

own child reaches the age they were when they were abused, when the perpetrator

dies.

ect. ( I have also known some people that recovered memories after being

involved in drug

abuse )

4. on average most people start recovering memories in their thirties and

forties. This is

the time that most peoples psyches have developed enough that the blocks between

them

and the memories begin to crumble.

All I really know is that the more I study about the mind and psychology and

energy the

more intrigued I am and the more questions it raises.

Carla

>

> Oh my god. I have often wondered the same thing! I remember some good

> times, but it's very fuzzy. Of course there are some things that are

> very vivid - getting kicked in the stomach when I didn't clean the

> house to her specifications, spilling a pitcher of kool-aid on the

> floor before school and her keeping me home as punishment (I was so

> terrified!), being molested by a stranger who walked into our house

> while my dad was walking the dog and her not believing me when I told

> her (she still denied when I brought it up a couple years ago), her

> jumping out of the car while we were driving to visit family on the

> highway. Maybe we only remember the bad things. Maybe my mother is

> just crazy...It's okay that you don't remember things. Sometimes I

> wish I could just wipe my mind blank...

>

[Guest guest]

I've often joked that I would appreciate a full lobotomy to remove

all of the painful childhood memories and confusion I experienced.

There were more bad than good so a complete clean sweep

sounds 'good' to me.

I have experienced a great deal of anger and depression in the

recent months as I've witnessed another LONG episode of nada's BPD

tendencies. I've started to gain a better understanding of where

she ends and I begin. I have bottled my emotions and shelved my

painful experiences for so long that I have a hard time recalling

both good and bad childhood experiences.

Sometimes I feel like my childhood sits dormant and abandoned in a

dark, damp, desolate closet. The door sits there haunting and

taunting me to return. I avoid it because I don't want to remember

the abuse, neglect, confusion, pain and destruction. Keeping the

door LOCKED shut feels safe.

I am a healthy person (by many people's standards) and I have a good

career. I have grown up in spite of missing many childhood

experiences. I've worked through some issues and I've emerged from

my cocoon in many regards.

In many ways I feel like opening that door (in my mind) will be like

a pandora's box of self-destruction. What if opening that door

causes me to erupt and become just like her? What if having

children causes me to have BPD symptoms? Will I hurt them the way

that she hurt me? Will I project my fears and pain onto my own

children (adopted or natural)?

" Thought derailment " as Carla calls it...

That's an interesting concept...Ask any of my friends if I know how

to change the topic when it gets 'hot in the kitchen' and they'd say

I'm the best. I have a special talent of diverting the train when I

know someone's going down a dangerous track (searching for

information about my past or my real feelings).

I can see from the various posts on this site that people who heal

and grow are individuals who acknowledge the past, but focus on

today and being the best version of themself. I know there's no use

in dwelling on the past, but there has to be some acknowledgement

and forgiveness so that healing can begin.

I feel like I've daily been putting a fresh bandaid on a 2 " deep

gash that runs across my chest (hidden from the world). The

bandaid's worthless to help in such a situation. It's also nothing

to protect me when nada takes new stabs and reopens the wounds.

Forgiveness? When and how does that take place? It certainly seems

like many people find that takes place when they go NC.

On the long KO road to recovery...

Dolly

_____________Carla writes____________________

Ok, been watching this thread for a while. SOMEWHERE in the book

Understanding the Borderline Mother it discusses KO's having memory

issues including difficulty keeping their thoughts focused. I call

this train of thought derailments. I have occasionally joked that my

train of thought has been deemed an off road/rail vehicle.

I had a friend that was a counselor and specialized in working with

victims of severe abuse. One of the things I specifically remember

from our talking was repressed memories.

1. repressed memories are a very strong defense mechanism

2. the human mind tends to distort things toward being better not

worse. (for those that disbelieve in recovered memories in the

mental healthcare field)

3. many people will recover memories when they....are ready to deal

with them, when their own child reaches the age they were when they

were abused, when the perpetrator dies, etc. (I have also known some

people that recovered memories after being involved in drug abuse)

4. on average most people start recovering memories in their

thirties and forties. This is the time that most peoples psyches

have developed enough that the blocks between them and the memories

begin to crumble.

All I really know is that the more I study about the mind and

psychology and energy the more intrigued I am and the more questions

it raises.

Carla

[Guest guest]

AZClown,

Keep in mind one more thing. As the BP nada/fada age they get worse (without

help) the

impulses that your fada permitted to consume him enough to violate your daughter

may

have been easier to resist when you were young. It is like those filters that

allow them to

function in society and resist taboo and unacceptable behaviors break down as

they age.

Things make it thru the gigantic holes in their filters that finally start to

expose them for the

dysfunctional beings they are. In other words, he may not have molested you at

all and that

does not invalidate what happened to your daughter.

Just a thought.

Carla

[Guest guest]

I remember school much more vividly than home. I remember every

teacher in great detail, and I could draw a picture of every

classroom. There was no physical abuse at home, nothing that extreme

that would cause my brain to block it. But the things I remember

about school are thing like teachers telling me I was smart, a little

boy telling me I was cute... things I didn't hear from my mother. I

posted a while back that my mother told me as an adult that while I

was a bright girl in school, but she never told me I was smart

because she didn't want it to " go to my head. " Don't worry, it

didn't.

>

> I have read all your descriptive stories on your childhoods and I

have

> to wonder why I don't really have many of my own???

>

> I have always had a hard time remembering the details of fights or

old

> stories, where my BP sister always had great embellished ones. She

> fibs alot and stretches a story way out....making you feel like you

> are crazy, and after I would disagree with her or give her a

> look....she would say " you don't remember anything " .

>

> Now I have to wonder if she is right. I did have a therapist who

> suggest regression therapy.....but I wasn't into it at the time.

>

> With what my brother says about our childhood, maybe I don't want

to

> remember???

>

> Any one else with a foggy memory??? drlingirl

>

[Guest guest]

yes i sometimes get frustrated trying to do the activities on

surviving the borderline parent because a lot of the time i dont

remember the things she did or specific examples. sometimes when i

read posts it's like something clicks and i will remember a vivid

memory of something she did. but only when i hear a similar

experience from someone else

>

> I have read all your descriptive stories on your childhoods and I

have

> to wonder why I don't really have many of my own???

>

> I have always had a hard time remembering the details of fights or

old

> stories, where my BP sister always had great embellished ones. She

> fibs alot and stretches a story way out....making you feel like you

> are crazy, and after I would disagree with her or give her a

> look....she would say " you don't remember anything " .

>

> Now I have to wonder if she is right. I did have a therapist who

> suggest regression therapy.....but I wasn't into it at the time.

>

> With what my brother says about our childhood, maybe I don't want

to

> remember???

>

> Any one else with a foggy memory??? drlingirl

>