Re: BPD Household: Communist Regime?

[Guest guest]

You hit the nail right on the head!

My therapist said the other day that growing up like that can have

similar effects to having been raised in a concentration camp.

You're damned if you do and your damned if you don't. There just

doesn't seem sometimes that there is a way to win...not against a

Nada. No apologies, no compassion for what YOU might be feeling. No

validation. No acknowledgement. Every problem in the world YOU were

the cause of it.

I gave up talking to friends about my family long ago. Since I

really do not have the " typical " family life with my FOO, it is

apparent to close friends and my HB's family that I am estranged

somehow. A self-imposed exile. When asked by people about my mother

or (one of) my fathers I tend to just say that the situation is a

long story and that I'm really not comfortable discussing it in

detail. I've noticed that some people see a juicy story and try to

continue to pry. That annoys me, but I just let them have the pulp

instead of the juice. Most people close to me now don't ask

anymore. I think they've figured out it's a sore subject, but the

acknowledge that I must have my reasons.

My HB on the other hand, who has never met my Nada, birth father, 4

of my 5 half-siblings or other extended family sometimes goes

clueless on me and tries to minimize what I might be feeling or my

mood of the day. But again, I'm lousy at sharing my experiences.

It's hard (for me) to feel that I am constantly defending a frontal

assualt when there is no assualt even in my general path. Reading in

to " hidden messages " with what people are saying or doing and seeing

the conspiracies looming are FLEAS. Sometimes I can shed them -

other times, not so much.

I have been re-reading Understanding a Borderline Mother, which I

read several years ago. I realized when I was reading again last

night that in not really knowing what I was reading the first time,

because I had just found the book and identified how it related to me

and my family, that I glossed over some things the first time that I

now pick up on. I think the first time I read the book, I really

glossed over the " Hermit " section because my mother was anything but

a Hermit borderline. I saw a lot of me in that chapter. Yikes!

Thankfully, I can recognize it and that's half the battle of shedding

those fleas before they become the totality of BP.

Shed 'dem fleas! LOL.

Khris

>

> Whenever I try to talk about my home situation with friends/

boyfriend etc. I'm usually exasperated and amused to hear their

suggestions-- " Have you ever tried writing your mom a letter telling

her how you feel?? " , " Just don't let it get to you! " etc. I often

feel as though I'm an expat from a cruel, oppresive cold war

communist regime and it's too complicated to explain the daily,

paranoid day-to-day reality of my past: your mail might be

intercepted and read, any individualistic opinions/ needs might be

construed as disloyalty, you never know when you're being watched,

you're afraid to trust anyone, you feel separated from the rest of

the world, you live in fear of castigation etc. etc. I was recently

reading an excerpt from the diary of a former KGB officer about their

methods of coercion and there was a striking parallel to my nada's:

smear your enemies at the first sign of dissent, use a balance of

ignoring dissidents and then praising them only when they forsake

> their own tendencies for those of the party, deprive them of sleep

and threaten to take away their shelter (my nada used to call the

cops on me when she was angry and would give them my car's license

plate claiming it had been 'stolen')...

>

> I've always found my nada to be remarkably dictator-like. She

has all the natural instincts, charm, charisma and cruelty of a

fearful and compelling leader. She lives completely in the moment

and never fears consquences. She can also turn almost anyone against

another person/ group, she's an expert triangulator.

>

> Any thoughts?

>

>

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