Re: Need advice today - OMG - I JUST WENT THRU THIS EXACT SAME THING 3 YEARS AGO

[Guest guest]

Hello,

First of all let me say that I am so sorry that all of this is going

on, and that is is already obviously affecting you. I just went thru

this 3 years ago (next month will be 3 years).

I was 33 years old when it happened and 7 months pregnant with my

second child. Unlike you, I live across the street from my mother, so

it was forced upon me to take care of her every need. I ended up in

therapy every week during that time. I was a mess, I took on all her

problems as my own, she was broke, and hired a detective (he was

cheating on her and she found out via the private detective). I was

asked to drive her around, take care of her, do everything for her.

Unlike you, I was very very angry at my step-dad for doing what he

did, but mostly for the way that he did it. No plans, he just left

one day and never came back. They were together and married for 26

years. That's a long time. He cheated on her constantly during those

26 years though, he felt sorry for her, I don't think he ever really

loved her.

Anyway, a month or so after he left, my mother ended up in the

Psychiatric Ward. Then into rehab 3 times over the following 3 or 4

months. She was finally " then " diagnosed with BPD. She sought

treatment then, it was great for a little while. She quit drinking.

But a year later went back to her old ways, got a DUI, crashed her

car, and called me at 12am to come and help her out, and get her from

the police station. Dummy me did it.

Looking back, I would have done everything so different if I had to

do it all over again. I neglected my family, my husband and children

for a very long time over this mess. It's still bad today, she is

still suffering, not nearly as badly, but she is still very bad off.

Her house is on the market, been on the market now for 2 years. My

stepdad pays her $950.00 alimony (for life) and another $400 a month

from his retirement from the military. So that is how she

can " barely " afford her mortgage. But somehow she can afford the $600

iphone, and an ipod etc... (that's a whole nuther story).

Anyway, I wish I had more time to give you more advice, but I am

running out now. you can send me a message anytime. I will try to

write more later.

BE strong, get that book called " boundaries " . And also read the book

called " TOXIC PARENTS " BY SUSAN FORWARD - THIS IS THE BEST BOOK I

HAVE EVER READ IN MY LIFE! AND ALL CHILDREN OF BPD PARENTS SHOULD

READ IT SERIOUSLY.

>

> Hi all,

>

> For about the three millionth time this month, I'm thanking

heaven for this site.

>

> My stepdad left nada today and I'm 99% sure it's official. He

has been planning it for months (we discussed it over x-mas), and has

had a detailed plan a la 'Sleeping with the Enemy'. He called his

friends, coworkers, boss, family and friends this morning to warn

them of the oncoming **** storm (she'll call them all!), he's moved

to a secret location, bought a new cell and opened a new e-mail

account (I'm forcing him to go onto the yahoo WTO site for BP spouses

for support and advice).

>

> I'm in shock right now as the axe that has been hanging over my

head for five years (they've been doomed since their honeymoon) has

fallen and I'm trying to find a clean, healthy way to deal with the

next week and to plan for the next few months.

>

> As you can imagine, my nada will go to no end to punish stepdad,

she'll call the cops, hire a private investigator to track him down,

draw out the court case as long as possible, accuse him of

monstrosities etc. I'm trying to let go of the idea that those

events concern me so I can look out for myself and my needs and to

establish proper emotional, physical and psychological boundaries.

>

> The last time she went through a divorce (this will be her

third), I was in college and a total mess. I stayed in bed, watched

movies in the dark, ate snickers, gained 10 pounds and totally

ignored my boyfriend and friends. I'm determined to be healthier

this time, I don't want her endangering my life, work, relationships

or sanity any more than she already has!!!

>

> I just don't know what to do though--she's going to call, e-mail,

she might even drive up to my apartment. She'll call my office, my

boyfriend, his parents, she'll cry and scream and try to manipulate

me into coming home. She's totally broke and is going to lose the

house (but can she even sell it in this market?) and I'm terrified

for what's going to happen but I also want to prevent myself from

getting sucked into her vast, whirling abyss.

>

> Before I left at x-mas time, I made an ultimatum that I wasn't

going to come home again until she saw a psychiatrist. She's too

much of a clasically proud BP to do that but I don't want to be

making empty threats. I'm also not sure if this is the best time to

be enforcing that rule though.

>

> What's my obligation as her daughter? Do you have any thoughts

about what I should do these next fwe days (and the immediate

future?) Thanks for your support, even just for reading this!

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile.

Try it now.

>

>

[Guest guest]

pays her $950.00 alimony (for life) and another $400 a month

> from his retirement from the military. So that is how she

> can " barely " afford her mortgage. But somehow she can afford the $600

You too? Mine doesn't even have a mortgage and she's still barely able

to make it.

In response to " what's my obligation as a daughter " , your obligation

is to take care of yourself. If that means not answering the phone,

not responding to e-mails and not answering the door, then so be it.

Nothing you can do will make her less crazy, nothing you can do will

mitigate the drama she needs to have. The only thing you can do is

make sure you are taken care of, because I guarantee she won't care

about that.

BPD's ALWAYS have a new shit-storm brewing, there is ALWAYS something

happening that is an immediate crisis. Just because these emergencies

sometimes correspond to things that are actually complicated does not

mean that you have to compromise. Normal people need support during a

divorce. BPD's need support when the store is out of milk. It's not

different to them, it doesn't need to be different for you either.

Protect yourself as best you can and let her do her thing. She's a big

girl, even if she won't/can't act like it.

Delta