Re: advice needed:kids visit w/ their fada

[Guest guest]

fina,

It sounds like your ex is having trouble accepting the fact that you

are not part of his life anymore.

He needs you to set firm boundaries. Tell him that the next time he

is in YOUR car or rifling through YOUR personal things, you will call

the police. Then do it. (Even if you were " up to something " , it's

NONE OF HIS BUSINESS anymore.)

I think it is good for kids to get to spend time with both parents,

especially after divorce. (Do I understand correctly that your

divorce agreement give him visitation every weekend?) But it is

absolutely unacceptable for a parent to put the kids in the middle or

use them to get information about the ex. YOU ARE NOT HIS WIFE

ANYMORE, AND HE DOES NOT HAVE A RIGHT TO ANY INFORMATION YOU DO NOT

VOLUNTEER. HE SHOULD NOT BE MAKING YOUR KIDS FEEL CAUGHT IN THE

MIDDLE. I think you need to talk to him about this.

If he denies doing anything wrong, consider talking to an attorney or

a counselor about his behavior and what you can legally do about

protecting your kids from it. Teach your kids that their dad might

have some trouble adjusting to the new setup, but that they do not

have to do ANYTHING that makes them feel uncomfortable. If he asks

for info about you, you can advise them to have daddy ask you himself

(e.g., " Daddy, I feel uncomfortable when you ask me about Mom.

Please ask HER these questions. " ) Make sure to let them know that

they are loved and that it is ok to feel whatever they are feeling,

and that you will support them and help them no matter what.

I think it is WONDERFUL that you asked to talk to him away from the

children--good job protecting them. You can also set boundaries for

yourself, like telling him that you are not for yelling at, and that

if he yells at you, you will walk away and wait until he can talk to

you calmly before resuming the discussion.

That said, you might find people with more experience with your kind

of situation on one of the boards for ex-spouses.

Hope that helps. I'm glad your kids have someone who wants to look

out for them. Good job.

>

[Guest guest]

When the children returned they informed me that he was questioning them

again on what I am doing. My 9 year old son told him I have a second job. I

don't think he believes that. He is now twisting the things my children are

saying. My 11 year old asked me why his father says things he never said. I

am stump and have no answers for him other than, " Daddy is having a

difficult time " .

I'm worried that if I tell him not to say or question the kids they will get

the backlash from him. He is big on loyalty and feels anything against him

is betrayal. I had to read and reread what you wrote because my brain goes

blank when I have to deal with what he throws my way.

As for the courts we didn't have to go there because we were not legally

married. It was a common law marriage. Sorry I made it sound legal. I always

said we were married. I should have known something was wrong when he

refused to get legally married. He told everyone we were married but.....

that's a seperate case.

Most importantly is that I know how to deal with my kids fada and not get

them caught in the middle. He is trying to make them hate me or see me as a

bad mommy, like I'm cheating on him or something. So far only my nine year

old is falling for his games. That's enough for me. My son questions where I

go, who I talk to. He wants to be with me all the time. Now he asks me why

he can't go everywhere with me. My greatest concern is for me to make sure

they don't get messed up from all this going on. I was trying to avoid the

seperation trauma.

I know this group is for our BPD parents but I am writing as a parent of

children with a possible fada. All I can think of is my kids. He is messing

with my babies....

fina

>

> fina,

>

> It sounds like your ex is having trouble accepting the fact that you

> are not part of his life anymore.

>

> He needs you to set firm boundaries. Tell him that the next time he

> is in YOUR car or rifling through YOUR personal things, you will call

> the police. Then do it. (Even if you were " up to something " , it's

> NONE OF HIS BUSINESS anymore.)

>

> I think it is good for kids to get to spend time with both parents,

> especially after divorce. (Do I understand correctly that your

> divorce agreement give him visitation every weekend?) But it is

> absolutely unacceptable for a parent to put the kids in the middle or

> use them to get information about the ex. YOU ARE NOT HIS WIFE

> ANYMORE, AND HE DOES NOT HAVE A RIGHT TO ANY INFORMATION YOU DO NOT

> VOLUNTEER. HE SHOULD NOT BE MAKING YOUR KIDS FEEL CAUGHT IN THE

> MIDDLE. I think you need to talk to him about this.

>

> If he denies doing anything wrong, consider talking to an attorney or

> a counselor about his behavior and what you can legally do about

> protecting your kids from it. Teach your kids that their dad might

> have some trouble adjusting to the new setup, but that they do not

> have to do ANYTHING that makes them feel uncomfortable. If he asks

> for info about you, you can advise them to have daddy ask you himself

> (e.g., " Daddy, I feel uncomfortable when you ask me about Mom.

> Please ask HER these questions. " ) Make sure to let them know that

> they are loved and that it is ok to feel whatever they are feeling,

> and that you will support them and help them no matter what.

>

> I think it is WONDERFUL that you asked to talk to him away from the

> children--good job protecting them. You can also set boundaries for

> yourself, like telling him that you are not for yelling at, and that

> if he yells at you, you will walk away and wait until he can talk to

> you calmly before resuming the discussion.

>

> That said, you might find people with more experience with your kind

> of situation on one of the boards for ex-spouses.

>

> Hope that helps. I'm glad your kids have someone who wants to look

> out for them. Good job.

>

>

>

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Please check with our list manager. There is another board for

adults with a BPD spouse. They may have some good suggestions about

your issuse.

Sylvia

> >

> > fina,

> >

> > It sounds like your ex is having trouble accepting the fact that

you

> > are not part of his life anymore.

> >

> > He needs you to set firm boundaries. Tell him that the next time

he

> > is in YOUR car or rifling through YOUR personal things, you will

call

> > the police. Then do it. (Even if you were " up to something " , it's

> > NONE OF HIS BUSINESS anymore.)

> >

> > I think it is good for kids to get to spend time with both

parents,

> > especially after divorce. (Do I understand correctly that your

> > divorce agreement give him visitation every weekend?) But it is

> > absolutely unacceptable for a parent to put the kids in the

middle or

> > use them to get information about the ex. YOU ARE NOT HIS WIFE

> > ANYMORE, AND HE DOES NOT HAVE A RIGHT TO ANY INFORMATION YOU DO

NOT

> > VOLUNTEER. HE SHOULD NOT BE MAKING YOUR KIDS FEEL CAUGHT IN THE

> > MIDDLE. I think you need to talk to him about this.

> >

> > If he denies doing anything wrong, consider talking to an

attorney or

> > a counselor about his behavior and what you can legally do about

> > protecting your kids from it. Teach your kids that their dad

might

> > have some trouble adjusting to the new setup, but that they do

not

> > have to do ANYTHING that makes them feel uncomfortable. If he

asks

> > for info about you, you can advise them to have daddy ask you

himself

> > (e.g., " Daddy, I feel uncomfortable when you ask me about Mom.

> > Please ask HER these questions. " ) Make sure to let them know that

> > they are loved and that it is ok to feel whatever they are

feeling,

> > and that you will support them and help them no matter what.

> >

> > I think it is WONDERFUL that you asked to talk to him away from

the

> > children--good job protecting them. You can also set boundaries

for

> > yourself, like telling him that you are not for yelling at, and

that

> > if he yells at you, you will walk away and wait until he can

talk to

> > you calmly before resuming the discussion.

> >

> > That said, you might find people with more experience with your

kind

> > of situation on one of the boards for ex-spouses.

> >

> > Hope that helps. I'm glad your kids have someone who wants to

look

> > out for them. Good job.

> >

> >

> >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I guess I don't totally understand your situation, but you wrote:

> As for the courts we didn't have to go there because we were not

legally

> married. It was a common law marriage. Sorry I made it sound legal.

I always

> said we were married. I should have known something was wrong when

he

> refused to get legally married. He told everyone we were married

but.....

> that's a seperate case.

>

>

So if you and your ex do not have any legal custody agreement (I

confess I don't understand all the rules about common-law)...WHY ARE

YOU LETTING HIM SEE THEM UNSUPERVISED? Just wondering. Consider

letting him visit only when you (or someone you trust to protect your

kids) are present, in a public place, like a restaurant or library or

something. That way they still could see their dad and have the good

parts of the relationship, but with someone always there to stop him

if he acts abusive or manipulative toward them.

You might investigate what the laws are about paternal rights in the

absence of a legal custody/visitation agreement, just so you know how

to best protect your children. You might also consider consulting an

attorney.