HF BP Mother

[Guest guest]

I just began reading a workbook on BPD a few days ago and learned that

my mother exhibits basically every single characteristic of a HF BP.

She also has an acute case of OCD, and I've read that that's not

uncommon. I'm sure there will be more posts to come from me, but in

the meantime what I really was feeling right now is a complete sense

of shock that this overwhelmingly oppressive part of my life was not

just a cross for me to bear but a disorder.

It's interesting because she slots in exactly to almost every

characteristic of a BP. It's like having a strange disease all my life

that I thought I had to endure (having to endure her and her abusive,

controlling hold on me, my family, my life) and then realizing that I

don't have to endure it by myself and best of all, there's hope for me

as a non BP having had to learn to cope. I can't even begin to wonder

how many fleas (i've been reviewing abbreviations ) i have from this

(they're hard for me to pick out because i'm not even aware that

they're unusual, you know? some i don't even notice, but for example I

blurted out all that i'm writing right now and more today to a good

friend of my brother's who i trust and she told me that she's noticed

i always have almost a look of fear whenever I make a mistake in front

of anyone regardless if it's my mother or not, and then begin

apologizing to an obscene amount.)

The discovery of the existence of BPD is a revelation in my life. The

fact that there is material out there that can describe what I've gone

through better than i ever would be able to and the fact that I can

read all of what you all have posted has given me hope in what has

been a dark 19 years so far (as far as where the relationship with my

mother and thus others to a certain extent has gone.)

Thank you all so much for posting. I commiserate with every single

topic i've read so far. Please know you are not alone. I would love to

discuss anything that any of you out there need or want to share, so

feel free to email me at fansthefire24@....

On that note, I am currently on break between semesters at university

and am living in my mother's home (my parents are divorced and she has

always had custody.) I just want to share that in the past few days

since learning of this disorder and all of its accoutrements (i've

been reading about it like crazy and dictating all of it to my older

brother)i feel this strange feeling when I look at her. Somehow the

fact that I can now put a disorder to her irrational etc. behavior

overwhelms me. Its hard to explain in my own mind but I suppose I feel

like...all my life it was just me living with her and her cruel and

abusive personality, but now it is all different because it is me

living with someone who is clinically not well. I always suspected

that she should be seeking therapy or medication but the fact that it

has all become so textbook is such a relief! I've been trying to work

out how to cope with her lifelong hateful behavior towards me but as I

am (frankly) scared out of my mind of her and her out of the blue

rages, trying to think about how to go about working things out (even

if it has to be only on my part to get closure without her) has been

like wading through molasses.

I'm so so so grateful that it's something I have guidelines to work

through instead of just living with her feeling helpless and waiting

for the next attack, adrenaline pumping. To everyone out there, keep

your chins up and know that you are all complete human beings,

powerful and beautiful!

Devon