Re: Invalidation and the Mental Health Community

[Guest guest]

Yes. In seeking to " fix " myself, I have come across diagnosis' for

myself of from a dysfunctional family (that's an understatment -

ROFLMAO), to depressive and as I said in an earlier post, I've had

one psychiatrist tell me that BPD was a myth. Most doctors that I

have tried to treat me with medication only simply because they

didn't ask enough questions or get deep enough into my history to get

at my Nada.

I should say, however, that my mother is completely undiagnosed and

probably always will be. She is what she is and no one will ever

change her, lest me. I had to go looking for a diagnosis for my

mother so that I could help myself with my own problems. My

relationship with my mother goes far beyond we cannot just get

along. It was a dangerous and cruel relationship to be in. But,

before finding my current psychiatrist, no one else bothered to ask

me what I knew and if they did get any kind of a glimmer that my Nada

might have been a BPD, they sure didn't share it with me. Could have

been kinda pertinent, don't you think?

Will have to give my doc a real big thanks tomorrow!

Khris

>

> I've been doing a lot of reading (Understanding the Borderline

Mother,

> Surviving a Borderline Mother, etc) and one of the key elements that

> keeps coming up is that children of BP parents have their thoughts,

> emotions, feelings, goals invalidated by the parent--which was

> certainly the case in my family. It occurred to me, though, that by

> refusing to honestly diagnose BPD or refusing to share that

diagnosis

> with victimized family members, the mental health community colludes

> in this invalidation, allowing the victims to believe they are

> overreacting or misinterpreting " normal " behavior. I suspect that

my

> mother and sister were diagnosed or at least suspected of having BPD

> many, many years ago. The rest of the family, even those of us who

> were active participants in her therapy, were kept in the dark. I

> figured out what was wrong myself and had my suspicions indirectly

> verified when an extended family member who happens to be a

therapist

> asked me if I was familiar with BPD after one of my mother's

episodes.

>

> I am feeling a little angry over the institutional dishonesty

> surrounding the diagnosis of BPD. I know there is a hesitancy to

> " label " people, but it seems to be selective. I don't know too many

> therapists who would hesitate to use the label " depression " if it

> would help the patient and those close to the patient to get the

> proper help. Having a name and an explanation for what was going on

> in our house would have been very helfpul, I think, at least to me

and

> my sibs.

>

> I realize that this anger is probably related to where I'm at with

> dealing with the BPD in my family, but I am curious if others have

had

> the same frustration with the mental health system?

>

[Guest guest]

I detinitely related to this post. After a particularly terrible Christmas two

years ago, I tried to contact my nada's therapist on my own. Nada had slapped

stepdad (leaving a terrible, hand-shaped purple bruise, he's on a blood thinner

so it looked awful!) and chipped one of his teeth in two separate, unrelated

fights right before I got home. He'd threatened to call the cops but she'd

cackled hysterically and shouted " Who do you think they'll believe looking at

us, you or me??? " (She's 5'2 he's 6'1 and I completely believed his retelling

of events, I've seen her be extremely violent, usually against him and my other

stepfather [she's been married three times]--although she did give me a black

eye when I was in third grade for slamming a door too hard).

Anyway, I wanted to contact her therapist to warn her that I believed my

mother was becoming physically dangerous to herself and others (I've dreamed of

getting nada committed for years, I can't imagine she could fool any

professional after 24 hours of observation). Her therapist not only refused to

speak with me unless it was a conference call with nada, she outright accused me

of being inflammatory in a situation I hadn't witnessed (and therefore didn't

involve me I guess??) I was SOOO angry and have been since. Whenever nada does

see a mental health professional who hints that some of the issues in her life

might be due to her erratic behavior (she's addicted to therapy in her own way,

especially marraige counseling!), she really goes after them with a vengeance.

Not only firing them but, at least in one recent case, trying to get them in

trouble with the state board of mental health professionals. She can be very

cunning and persuasive when she tries, it's kept

her undiagnosed thus far.

I called a local psychiatrist during my recent trip home as her behavior has

been similarly violent this past winter (poor stepdad, in his planning to leave

her, he'd been collecting a file of pictures of his bruises, tooth, bite marks

etc.--she found the folder in his office while snooping one day and destroyed

the photos!!) and the woman I spoke with, although very empathetic, essentially

said that nada has to go totally and uncontrollably nuts in public in order to

be forcibly treated. That's what I'm hoping for now, a sad hope, but a valid

one nonetheless given our waaay overly litigious and somewhat helpless mental

health community-

mmanion07 wrote:

I've been doing a lot of reading (Understanding the Borderline Mother,

Surviving a Borderline Mother, etc) and one of the key elements that

keeps coming up is that children of BP parents have their thoughts,

emotions, feelings, goals invalidated by the parent--which was

certainly the case in my family. It occurred to me, though, that by

refusing to honestly diagnose BPD or refusing to share that diagnosis

with victimized family members, the mental health community colludes

in this invalidation, allowing the victims to believe they are

overreacting or misinterpreting " normal " behavior. I suspect that my

mother and sister were diagnosed or at least suspected of having BPD

many, many years ago. The rest of the family, even those of us who

were active participants in her therapy, were kept in the dark. I

figured out what was wrong myself and had my suspicions indirectly

verified when an extended family member who happens to be a therapist

asked me if I was familiar with BPD after one of my mother's episodes.

I am feeling a little angry over the institutional dishonesty

surrounding the diagnosis of BPD. I know there is a hesitancy to

" label " people, but it seems to be selective. I don't know too many

therapists who would hesitate to use the label " depression " if it

would help the patient and those close to the patient to get the

proper help. Having a name and an explanation for what was going on

in our house would have been very helfpul, I think, at least to me and

my sibs.

I realize that this anger is probably related to where I'm at with

dealing with the BPD in my family, but I am curious if others have had

the same frustration with the mental health system?

---------------------------------

Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.

[Guest guest]

I don't post on here very often, but I read almost all. I'm trying to

deal with my BPD mom (I'm 35, and it still haunts me all the time). I

finally went to therapy after thinking I was the one who was abnormal.

One day, I picked up the same book you all are talking about and had

to sit down in the asile of the bookstore and cry and call my husband.

I bought the book and took it to my therapist the next day. All I

could say was " I can't explain all of it, but this is my mom - I

promise I'm not lying - this is my mom! " . She took the book, and

nodded, and said that it was what she suspected, but could not

diagnose without meeting with my mom in person. The sessions became

much more productive after that day. I was diagnosed with ADHD, PTSD,

and moderate depressive disorder. I'm still working hard at it, and am

now trying to find the " real me " , for once, whether or not I get

approval. I guess it stinks that there are mental health professionals

out there who won't even consider that their patient just might be

right - and have a little intelligence, to boot. I hope someone finds

this post to be of some help.

>

>

>

>

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.

>

>

[Guest guest]

After my parents split & nada really went off the deep end, I went to

the school counselor at age 15. For the first time ever, I told

someone on the outside about the blaming (she said dad's affair &

parents divorce was the fault of bro & me, we weren't " good " enough),

the semi-incestuous climbing into my bed at night, the general neglect,

etc. I was told by the counselor that I was selfish & immature, making

up crap about my mother to get attention because NO ONE could be as

crazy as I said she was. Nice job guys.

The other issue I have is that even when I was believed by a therapist

in my early 20s, NC was presented only as ME acting out, or an

otherwise unrealistic option. Even though I did get competent help on

my own issues, I feel as though they really did/do drop the ball in

this area.

[Guest guest]

dezbah -- I found your post to be very comforting, because I felt the

same way after finding this group and reading the books. And, like

you, I'm still trying to find the " real me " -- just this weekend I

encountered some conflicts, and I about fell apart. I don't have a

fully developed " core self " , and I have to be careful not to fall into

the same emotional behaviors that my mother role modeled for me.

Hang in there -- remind yourself to take a deep breath once in

awhile. You've got a good therapist and you've got the books and

you've got us -- you're on your way. You're going to be fine --

better, in fact!

[hugs]

Kyla

[Guest guest]

You're right about that -- too bad you can't send a book about BPD

to that counselor today, with a note saying she was incompetent and

did more harm than good!

-Kyla

>

> After my parents split & nada really went off the deep end, I went

to

> the school counselor at age 15. For the first time ever, I told

> someone on the outside about the blaming (she said dad's affair &

> parents divorce was the fault of bro & me, we weren't " good "

enough),

> the semi-incestuous climbing into my bed at night, the general

neglect,

> etc. I was told by the counselor that I was selfish & immature,

making

> up crap about my mother to get attention because NO ONE could be

as

> crazy as I said she was. Nice job guys.

>

> The other issue I have is that even when I was believed by a

therapist

> in my early 20s, NC was presented only as ME acting out, or an

> otherwise unrealistic option. Even though I did get competent

help on

> my own issues, I feel as though they really did/do drop the ball

in

> this area.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

My nada said in front of MY counselor that my sister and I were the

reason why she and dad got a divorce " you girls were rotten " . When

the truth was that she got caught, AGAIN, sleeping around with an

employee of our fathers. My dad knew it, the family knew it, the

guy she was sleeping with begged my father for his forgiveness,

therefore admitting it, hell the whole town knew it.

This hurt pretty bad that she wouldn't just tell the truth. Why

would we be in a counselor's office if it weren't to tell the

truth??? Needless to say it was the shortest session ever. I froze

up, went blank, and ended it. My couselor wanted to push on but I

just couldn't do it.

My nada had the nerve to ask me out side of the office " Want to go

to lunch??? " Are you kidding me??? I should have known she was a

nutt case, and ran for the hills then. Instead I am just now

NC......17 years, and more painful lumps later.

Thanks for sharing......drlingirl

>

> After my parents split & nada really went off the deep end, I went

to

> the school counselor at age 15. For the first time ever, I told

> someone on the outside about the blaming (she said dad's affair &

> parents divorce was the fault of bro & me, we weren't " good "

enough),

> the semi-incestuous climbing into my bed at night, the general

neglect,

> etc. I was told by the counselor that I was selfish & immature,

making

> up crap about my mother to get attention because NO ONE could be

as

> crazy as I said she was. Nice job guys.

>

> The other issue I have is that even when I was believed by a

therapist

> in my early 20s, NC was presented only as ME acting out, or an

> otherwise unrealistic option. Even though I did get competent

help on

> my own issues, I feel as though they really did/do drop the ball

in

> this area.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

drlingirl that's terrible -- and what incredible powers of denial

she has! Unbelievable! Did she just KNOW you wouldn't speak up in

the Counselor's office " Hey! My mom had an affair with my dad's

employee!! THAT'S why they broke up! "

I shut down like that, too.

-Kyla

> >

> > After my parents split & nada really went off the deep end, I

went

> to

> > the school counselor at age 15. For the first time ever, I told

> > someone on the outside about the blaming (she said dad's affair

&

> > parents divorce was the fault of bro & me, we weren't " good "

> enough),

> > the semi-incestuous climbing into my bed at night, the general

> neglect,

> > etc. I was told by the counselor that I was selfish & immature,

> making

> > up crap about my mother to get attention because NO ONE could be

> as

> > crazy as I said she was. Nice job guys.

> >

> > The other issue I have is that even when I was believed by a

> therapist

> > in my early 20s, NC was presented only as ME acting out, or an

> > otherwise unrealistic option. Even though I did get competent

> help on

> > my own issues, I feel as though they really did/do drop the ball

> in

> > this area.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Oh kyla,

I'm sure she knew damn good and well that the topic was going to be

brought up. Now knowing about BP I can look back and see she had

her full arsenal on......as if she was going into battle against her

worst enemy.

What a peach, my nada.....drlingirl

> > >

> > > After my parents split & nada really went off the deep end, I

> went

> > to

> > > the school counselor at age 15. For the first time ever, I

told

> > > someone on the outside about the blaming (she said dad's

affair

> &

> > > parents divorce was the fault of bro & me, we weren't " good "

> > enough),

> > > the semi-incestuous climbing into my bed at night, the general

> > neglect,

> > > etc. I was told by the counselor that I was selfish &

immature,

> > making

> > > up crap about my mother to get attention because NO ONE could

be

> > as

> > > crazy as I said she was. Nice job guys.

> > >

> > > The other issue I have is that even when I was believed by a

> > therapist

> > > in my early 20s, NC was presented only as ME acting out, or an

> > > otherwise unrealistic option. Even though I did get competent

> > help on

> > > my own issues, I feel as though they really did/do drop the

ball

> > in

> > > this area.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>