Guest guest Posted January 11, 2008 Report Share Posted January 11, 2008 , I'm also not an expert, but it sounds like BPD to me as well. I suggest that you read the books Stop Walking on Eggshells and Understanding the Borderline Mother for more info. In addition, it's normal for a BPD to be helpful sometimes. With my mother, it's a mixed bag: she might go into a rage, or she might offer to help me with something. Over time, I have learned to accept her as she is by appreciating the positive interactions we have and set boundaries to limit our negative interactions. > > > > I am slightly confused. I hope I am not the one with BPD. The > problem > > is... simply understanding my mother. I am used to seeing her go > into > > rages, say nasty things, pull out guilt trips, and try to control > > everything If you cross her, or do something she doesn't approve > of, > > oh Brother!- > > > > however she isn't like this all the time. She is very helpful > with a > > lot of issues. This is also when she tends to be the happiest is > when > > she believes she has the solution to a challenge or a problem. I > > believe that this happiness comes from the feeling that she is > needed > > and won't be left behind? Do you think this is right? > > > > It is difficult for me to understand that she might have BPD with > this > > change in character. The eruptions happen probably about every > couple > > of months with myself. I know at home with my father they happen > all > > the time. It appears that the man can't do anything right. He > has a > > chronic illness and I believe he is depressed all the time. I > think > > she definitely exhibits " I hate you, don't leave me " with him. > > > > My husband thinks she is a nut case. When we returned from our > > honeymoon, she was upset with us because he and I had planned the > > whole wedding. Someone said something stupid at the reception and > she > > got mad at us. The same day we returned, she asked me to stop by > so I > > could pick up my things. She put all of my belongings out on the > > front porch and proceeded to yell at us outside in the driveway. > > After this wonderful show outside, she invited us in for a > sandwich! > > It was the most awkward moment ever. > > > > My uncle asked my husband out to play golf. She was completely > > paranoid about the entire ordeal. > > > > But at the same time, she has very good intuition, and knows how to > > read people. I think this was a trait listed in the book. > > > > Does she sound BPD? > > > > Thanks > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 12, 2008 Report Share Posted January 12, 2008 Hi! Wow... it sounds like you are describing my mother! It certainly doesn't sound like you are at any fault. I find it comforting to know that other people are going through the same thing... even if that doesn't help the actual situation. > > I am slightly confused. I hope I am not the one with BPD. The problem > is... simply understanding my mother. I am used to seeing her go into > rages, say nasty things, pull out guilt trips, and try to control > everything If you cross her, or do something she doesn't approve of, > oh Brother!- > > however she isn't like this all the time. She is very helpful with a > lot of issues. This is also when she tends to be the happiest is when > she believes she has the solution to a challenge or a problem. I > believe that this happiness comes from the feeling that she is needed > and won't be left behind? Do you think this is right? > > It is difficult for me to understand that she might have BPD with this > change in character. The eruptions happen probably about every couple > of months with myself. I know at home with my father they happen all > the time. It appears that the man can't do anything right. He has a > chronic illness and I believe he is depressed all the time. I think > she definitely exhibits " I hate you, don't leave me " with him. > > My husband thinks she is a nut case. When we returned from our > honeymoon, she was upset with us because he and I had planned the > whole wedding. Someone said something stupid at the reception and she > got mad at us. The same day we returned, she asked me to stop by so I > could pick up my things. She put all of my belongings out on the > front porch and proceeded to yell at us outside in the driveway. > After this wonderful show outside, she invited us in for a sandwich! > It was the most awkward moment ever. > > My uncle asked my husband out to play golf. She was completely > paranoid about the entire ordeal. > > But at the same time, she has very good intuition, and knows how to > read people. I think this was a trait listed in the book. > > Does she sound BPD? > > Thanks > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2008 Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 I think the hardest thing about BPD is that when there are good times with someone with BPD, they can be really good. I always hope to catch my mom at the 'right' moment when I visit or call to have one of those good moments. But, the problem is you just can't know what you're walking into each time. > > > > I am slightly confused. I hope I am not the one with BPD. The problem > > is... simply understanding my mother. I am used to seeing her go into > > rages, say nasty things, pull out guilt trips, and try to control > > everything If you cross her, or do something she doesn't approve of, > > oh Brother!- > > > > however she isn't like this all the time. She is very helpful with a > > lot of issues. This is also when she tends to be the happiest is when > > she believes she has the solution to a challenge or a problem. I > > believe that this happiness comes from the feeling that she is needed > > and won't be left behind? Do you think this is right? > > > > It is difficult for me to understand that she might have BPD with this > > change in character. The eruptions happen probably about every couple > > of months with myself. I know at home with my father they happen all > > the time. It appears that the man can't do anything right. He has a > > chronic illness and I believe he is depressed all the time. I think > > she definitely exhibits " I hate you, don't leave me " with him. > > > > My husband thinks she is a nut case. When we returned from our > > honeymoon, she was upset with us because he and I had planned the > > whole wedding. Someone said something stupid at the reception and she > > got mad at us. The same day we returned, she asked me to stop by so I > > could pick up my things. She put all of my belongings out on the > > front porch and proceeded to yell at us outside in the driveway. > > After this wonderful show outside, she invited us in for a sandwich! > > It was the most awkward moment ever. > > > > My uncle asked my husband out to play golf. She was completely > > paranoid about the entire ordeal. > > > > But at the same time, she has very good intuition, and knows how to > > read people. I think this was a trait listed in the book. > > > > Does she sound BPD? > > > > Thanks > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 13, 2008 Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 Me, too. I've had some great laughs with my mom over the years -- she's very witty and funny. But, I sometimes get that " other " mom, and that is a problem. -Kyla > > > > > > I am slightly confused. I hope I am not the one with BPD. The > problem > > > is... simply understanding my mother. I am used to seeing her go > into > > > rages, say nasty things, pull out guilt trips, and try to control > > > everything If you cross her, or do something she doesn't approve > of, > > > oh Brother!- > > > > > > however she isn't like this all the time. She is very helpful > with a > > > lot of issues. This is also when she tends to be the happiest is > when > > > she believes she has the solution to a challenge or a problem. I > > > believe that this happiness comes from the feeling that she is > needed > > > and won't be left behind? Do you think this is right? > > > > > > It is difficult for me to understand that she might have BPD with > this > > > change in character. The eruptions happen probably about every > couple > > > of months with myself. I know at home with my father they happen > all > > > the time. It appears that the man can't do anything right. He > has a > > > chronic illness and I believe he is depressed all the time. I > think > > > she definitely exhibits " I hate you, don't leave me " with him. > > > > > > My husband thinks she is a nut case. When we returned from our > > > honeymoon, she was upset with us because he and I had planned the > > > whole wedding. Someone said something stupid at the reception > and she > > > got mad at us. The same day we returned, she asked me to stop by > so I > > > could pick up my things. She put all of my belongings out on the > > > front porch and proceeded to yell at us outside in the driveway. > > > After this wonderful show outside, she invited us in for a > sandwich! > > > It was the most awkward moment ever. > > > > > > My uncle asked my husband out to play golf. She was completely > > > paranoid about the entire ordeal. > > > > > > But at the same time, she has very good intuition, and knows how > to > > > read people. I think this was a trait listed in the book. > > > > > > Does she sound BPD? > > > > > > Thanks > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 14, 2008 Report Share Posted January 14, 2008 I guess I'm lucky because Yeti is ... a Yeti. Not much wit, laughter or love either. God knows how she fooled everyone for so long. They weren't very close to her (obviously), or were rather... backward themselves... > I've had some great laughs with my mom over the years -- > she's very witty and funny. But, I sometimes get that " other " mom, > and that is a problem. Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 14, 2008 Report Share Posted January 14, 2008 This thread struck a chord in me. It's so true! My nada can be such a charming, vivacious, funny person when she's 'on', those moments are just growing fewer and are more short-lived than they used to be. It's the aspect of my lost idealized nada that I mourn the most. I have reconnected with a few friends over the past year who I haven't seen since high school. Part of my recovery process has been to talk more openly about nada and her faults (forgoing my normal mantra of: We're fine! I'm fine! Everything is normal and fine!) but two of my friends in particular seemed devestated and concerned that I would talk negatively about my nada. She had been such a shining, amazing example of warmth and charisma in their childhoods that they didn't seem to want to hear anything that would contradict that memory. One girl, in particular, asked to change the subject and implied that it was me who was becoming overly critical and cruel with time and that nada was just human. I didn't try to correct her perception, afterall, she hasn't seen nada for ten years, it was just an interesting insight and reaffirmation that her 'Jekyl' side really had been as great as I had thought. kylaboo728 wrote: Me, too. I've had some great laughs with my mom over the years -- she's very witty and funny. But, I sometimes get that " other " mom, and that is a problem. -Kyla > > > > > > I am slightly confused. I hope I am not the one with BPD. The > problem > > > is... simply understanding my mother. I am used to seeing her go > into > > > rages, say nasty things, pull out guilt trips, and try to control > > > everything If you cross her, or do something she doesn't approve > of, > > > oh Brother!- > > > > > > however she isn't like this all the time. She is very helpful > with a > > > lot of issues. This is also when she tends to be the happiest is > when > > > she believes she has the solution to a challenge or a problem. I > > > believe that this happiness comes from the feeling that she is > needed > > > and won't be left behind? Do you think this is right? > > > > > > It is difficult for me to understand that she might have BPD with > this > > > change in character. The eruptions happen probably about every > couple > > > of months with myself. I know at home with my father they happen > all > > > the time. It appears that the man can't do anything right. He > has a > > > chronic illness and I believe he is depressed all the time. I > think > > > she definitely exhibits " I hate you, don't leave me " with him. > > > > > > My husband thinks she is a nut case. When we returned from our > > > honeymoon, she was upset with us because he and I had planned the > > > whole wedding. Someone said something stupid at the reception > and she > > > got mad at us. The same day we returned, she asked me to stop by > so I > > > could pick up my things. She put all of my belongings out on the > > > front porch and proceeded to yell at us outside in the driveway. > > > After this wonderful show outside, she invited us in for a > sandwich! > > > It was the most awkward moment ever. > > > > > > My uncle asked my husband out to play golf. She was completely > > > paranoid about the entire ordeal. > > > > > > But at the same time, she has very good intuition, and knows how > to > > > read people. I think this was a trait listed in the book. > > > > > > Does she sound BPD? > > > > > > Thanks > > > > > > > > > > > > --------------------------------- Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 17, 2008 Report Share Posted January 17, 2008 Yes, she does. My mom is like this too. She could be sweet and helpful, and did act like a mom a lot of the time when I was growing up. This is why I still call her mom and not nada. And suddenly at the drop of a hat...SNARL!!!! the Grouch on an acid trip! Surrealism at its finest. Dali couldn't do any better. And deities help you if you disagreed with her or did something she disapproved of. Poor you. It's no wonder you're confused. Mood swings are one of the hallmarks of BPD. I do think that you are right about the reason your mom seems happiest when she's solving problems. My mom did too. She loved to feel like she was useful because then she got praise for it. Watching her in action was like watching Big Bird on meth sometimes, but then nobody outside the family really got it or saw the whole picture. In hindsight, it was kind of sad, really. Another big thing about BPD is fear of abandonment. Really, it's fear of being nothing. There is a deep psychological void in BPDs that nothing can fill. They keep sucking the life out of everyone and everything around them trying to fill it, but it just can't be filled, and they can't understand that it can't be filled from the outside. I call this emotional vampirism. They pull your strings to make you dance like a marionette and jump through hoops because it makes them feel like they matter, like they EXIST. They need you to suck on, to feed on, because in them there's nothing THERE. Watch her while she talks. Notice what she says. Does she always manage to turn the conversation around to her? Can she only see the world around her as it relates to her and how it affects her? Can she never shut up? Listen to my mom long enough and you could wind up thinking Copernicus was wrong and the world actually revolves around her. Classic BPD. And this is when she's not in a rage. My therapist was the first person to suggest that my mom had BPD. I read SWOE and really started paying attention to what my mom was saying and doing, especially during a rage. During one of those rages, I thought wonderingly, " If she were a 2 year old child, I would say she's having a tantrum because she wasn't getting her way. " And then it hit me. She IS a 2 year old child! In her mind anyway. She never progressed beyond that stage. Think about it. What is a child anyway? A living, breathing need machine. No offense to people who have kids, but that's what they are. It's not their fault. A child needs you because she hasn't finished becoming. They're not themselves yet, not totally. And very small children have a tendency to see the world only as it relates to them. They haven't the maturity and brain power to see it any other way. But we expect this in a child. In an adult, it's not so pretty. In an adult, we call it selfish. (Which is often what our BP parents call us!) And as most KOs find out, our BP parents expect us to always agree with them and do whatever they want to fulfill their needs, just as a very young child often does. They throw a tantrum when they don't get what they want, just as a child does. But with a child, they eventually get the fact that this is not Burger King and they can't always have it their way. They get over it. They learn to cope with disappointment and they learn how to make themselves happy. The BPD never does. I hope this long-winded explanation makes sense to you. It's the best way I know how to explain it. Bear in mind this is only how I experienced the process. Others may have different viewpoints. Good luck on your journey! Wear your seat belt, it's a bumpy ride! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 17, 2008 Report Share Posted January 17, 2008 What you call " long winded " was a post I really connected with. It was so full of wisdom -- and so right. And yes, you're absolutely right -- I have two kids and you're right about children being full of needs because they're not " complete " yet. And that's an apt description of perhaps why BPDs are unnerved by their own kids: it's like they're saying " How dare you ask ME for anything -- I was here first! " . So many BPD parents (including mine) act like the kids are a nuisance and in the way -- always needing you to tend to their needs, when that's EXACTLY what you sign up for when you give birth! I remember years ago, my grandmother said about my BPD nada (her own daughter!): " I don't think she really ever grew up. " Very wise woman. Thanks again for the great post. -Kyla Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 17, 2008 Report Share Posted January 17, 2008 Strell, This is a very compassionate and well written post. Thank you. Khris > > Yes, she does. My mom is like this too. She could be sweet and > helpful, and did act like a mom a lot of the time when I was growing > up. This is why I still call her mom and not nada. > > And suddenly at the drop of a hat...SNARL!!!! the Grouch on an > acid trip! Surrealism at its finest. Dali couldn't do any better. > > And deities help you if you disagreed with her or did something she > disapproved of. > > Poor you. It's no wonder you're confused. Mood swings are one of the > hallmarks of BPD. > > I do think that you are right about the reason your mom seems happiest > when she's solving problems. My mom did too. She loved to feel like > she was useful because then she got praise for it. Watching her in > action was like watching Big Bird on meth sometimes, but then nobody > outside the family really got it or saw the whole picture. In > hindsight, it was kind of sad, really. > > Another big thing about BPD is fear of abandonment. Really, it's fear > of being nothing. There is a deep psychological void in BPDs that > nothing can fill. They keep sucking the life out of everyone and > everything around them trying to fill it, but it just can't be filled, > and they can't understand that it can't be filled from the outside. I > call this emotional vampirism. They pull your strings to make you > dance like a marionette and jump through hoops because it makes them > feel like they matter, like they EXIST. They need you to suck on, to > feed on, because in them there's nothing THERE. > > Watch her while she talks. Notice what she says. Does she always > manage to turn the conversation around to her? Can she only see the > world around her as it relates to her and how it affects her? Can she > never shut up? Listen to my mom long enough and you could wind up > thinking Copernicus was wrong and the world actually revolves around > her. Classic BPD. And this is when she's not in a rage. > > My therapist was the first person to suggest that my mom had BPD. I > read SWOE and really started paying attention to what my mom was > saying and doing, especially during a rage. During one of those > rages, I thought wonderingly, " If she were a 2 year old child, I would > say she's having a tantrum because she wasn't getting her way. " And > then it hit me. She IS a 2 year old child! In her mind anyway. She > never progressed beyond that stage. Think about it. What is a child > anyway? A living, breathing need machine. No offense to people who > have kids, but that's what they are. It's not their fault. A child > needs you because she hasn't finished becoming. They're not > themselves yet, not totally. And very small children have a tendency > to see the world only as it relates to them. They haven't the > maturity and brain power to see it any other way. But we expect this > in a child. In an adult, it's not so pretty. In an adult, we call it > selfish. (Which is often what our BP parents call us!) > > And as most KOs find out, our BP parents expect us to always agree > with them and do whatever they want to fulfill their needs, just as a > very young child often does. They throw a tantrum when they don't get > what they want, just as a child does. But with a child, they > eventually get the fact that this is not Burger King and they can't > always have it their way. They get over it. They learn to cope with > disappointment and they learn how to make themselves happy. The BPD > never does. > > I hope this long-winded explanation makes sense to you. It's the best > way I know how to explain it. Bear in mind this is only how I > experienced the process. Others may have different viewpoints. > > Good luck on your journey! Wear your seat belt, it's a bumpy ride! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2008 Report Share Posted January 23, 2008 I remember one time i needed new clothes and my nada took back some of the expensive new work clothes she bought (from Nordstrom) to buy me clothes. she let me know the entire time how much she was sacrificing just so I could have clothes. she had to take back all her new clothes to buy ME something > > Wow, this is a new insight for me, I never thought about it this way. > Coming from my mom, this makes perfect sense. I was always getting > called selfish for asking for or wanting anything. Of course she > expected quid pro quo (and beyond). That's how a kid would think. > > > > > > > And that's an apt description of perhaps why BPDs are unnerved by > > their own kids: it's like they're saying " How dare you ask ME for > > anything -- I was here first! " . So many BPD parents (including > > mine) act like the kids are a nuisance and in the way -- always > > needing you to tend to their needs, when that's EXACTLY what you > > sign up for when you give birth! > > > > I remember years ago, my grandmother said about my BPD nada (her own > > daughter!): " I don't think she really ever grew up. " > > > > Very wise woman. > > > > Thanks again for the great post. > > > > -Kyla > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2008 Report Share Posted January 23, 2008 I hear you...my mother always seemed to resent it that her children would grow and thus need new clothes or shoes. It was a constant litany of " we don't have the money for this " ...but she'd throw major tantrums about it and then go blow hundreds upon hundreds of dollars on herself or on things none of us needed or wanted because " it was on sale. " When I made varsity cheer team in high school I was required to buy a $150 varsity letter jacket...and my mother said there was no money for it. Then, that same week, she bought me a hideous beaded jacket thing that cost almost $200 because it was on sale and was " so cute " ...and it was too SMALL. Which she KNEW. And it wasn't returnable. Then for months I got screamed at for not wearing it after she'd so generously spent all that money on it. T Posted by: " c_mh13 " c_mh13@... c_mh13 Wed Jan 23, 2008 1:05 am (PST) I remember one time i needed new clothes and my nada took back some of the expensive new work clothes she bought (from Nordstrom) to buy me clothes. she let me know the entire time how much she was sacrificing just so I could have clothes. she had to take back all her new clothes to buy ME something Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2008 Report Share Posted January 23, 2008 Nada refused to buy me clothes from my sophomore year in high school on. I've had a job of some sort since I was 12 just to afford the basic things, clothes, makeup, CDs that other kids had. One year, after her second divorce when things were financially messy, she decided a medical bill she'd paid a few months earlier was my christmas gift. (She still whines and moans about that stupid medical bill, it was for out of state x-rays that SHE insisted I get after a fender bender and then my insurance didn't cover it and I couldn't afford it so she paid it, grr...) Another of the most embarassing aspects of growing up with her has been her total lack of generosity toward my boyfriends over the years. I've been lucky enough to have dated a few boys whose parents have completely doted on me. In college, I dated a guy for three years and throughout that period, his parents brought me along on four week-long ski trips, bought me ski clothes, took me out to dinner countless times, flew me to Chicago to visit him for breaks and the ONE time he came to visit me, my nada complained constantly throughout dinner that wow, she hadn't realized everything would be quite so expensive. Then after dinner, we stopped by the mall to run an errand and she bought a $250 cashmere sweater set (probably twice the cost of dinner) that was on sale as an early 'easter gift' to herself. Same situation with my current boyfriend, I've just tried to let go of the fact that his parents do sooo much for me (we live ten minutes from them) and they take us out to dinner twice a week, to the movies, they buy me little gifts and books, they sent me to the spa recently when I was stressed and all my nada has done for him is buy him some socks for x-mas last year. She recently came into town and insisted that she was going to take us out to dinner but, of course, since she is totally incapable of time management, she was four hours late and my bf wound up buying groceries and making HER dinner. I feel very guilty and embarassed about having no family to offer him, I realize that I am enough but I wish I could reciprocate at least a tiny bit. Does anyone else ever have these feelings? T L wrote: I hear you...my mother always seemed to resent it that her children would grow and thus need new clothes or shoes. It was a constant litany of " we don't have the money for this " ...but she'd throw major tantrums about it and then go blow hundreds upon hundreds of dollars on herself or on things none of us needed or wanted because " it was on sale. " When I made varsity cheer team in high school I was required to buy a $150 varsity letter jacket...and my mother said there was no money for it. Then, that same week, she bought me a hideous beaded jacket thing that cost almost $200 because it was on sale and was " so cute " ...and it was too SMALL. Which she KNEW. And it wasn't returnable. Then for months I got screamed at for not wearing it after she'd so generously spent all that money on it. T Posted by: " c_mh13 " c_mh13@... c_mh13 Wed Jan 23, 2008 1:05 am (PST) I remember one time i needed new clothes and my nada took back some of the expensive new work clothes she bought (from Nordstrom) to buy me clothes. she let me know the entire time how much she was sacrificing just so I could have clothes. she had to take back all her new clothes to buy ME something --------------------------------- Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2008 Report Share Posted January 23, 2008 Jimminey, Crimminey! I thought Mom's were supposed to make sure their dependent children were taken care of - and then get things for themselves. Children GROW, most adults stay relatively the same size and care wear the same clothing for several seasons. She doesn't get an sympathy from me. sylvia > > > > Wow, this is a new insight for me, I never thought about it this > way. > > Coming from my mom, this makes perfect sense. I was always getting > > called selfish for asking for or wanting anything. Of course she > > expected quid pro quo (and beyond). That's how a kid would think. > > > > > > > > > > > > And that's an apt description of perhaps why BPDs are unnerved by > > > their own kids: it's like they're saying " How dare you ask ME > for > > > anything -- I was here first! " . So many BPD parents (including > > > mine) act like the kids are a nuisance and in the way -- always > > > needing you to tend to their needs, when that's EXACTLY what you > > > sign up for when you give birth! > > > > > > I remember years ago, my grandmother said about my BPD nada (her > own > > > daughter!): " I don't think she really ever grew up. " > > > > > > Very wise woman. > > > > > > Thanks again for the great post. > > > > > > -Kyla > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2008 Report Share Posted January 23, 2008 I, too, felt like I was a bother to my mother -- it rocked her world when she had to buy us clothes. Always huffing about having to go, then she'd take us to stores we didn't like and try to force stuff we didn't like onto us. Then, if we ventured an opinion about the clothes (that WE would be wearing!), she spit nails and had a fit. I distinctly remember one time, she stormed out of a store cursing like a sailer while my brother and I helplessly followed behind her. It was when those " OP " t-shirts were in style, and my brother dared to ask if he could have one. My mother raged " I can't go all over this earth looking for some g----mned 'go man go' shirt!!! I feel certain that this was when I learned not to ask her for things -- and heaven forbid try to get something that was in style or popular! As soon as I could get a job, I got one -- and I'm sure that it was because I didn't want to have to approach her and ask her for things. As you said, children GROW and they need clothes periodically. And what would it hurt to even buy just ONE THING that's a little more trendy and maybe a little more expensive? Even striking a deal (you pay half and I'll pay this much because these shirts are way out of the budget) would show the mom is trying to accommodate the child -- trying to work with them so they'll be happy. No -- my mother made sure EVERYBODY knew she wasn't happy about it at all. Then, when I had a job, she was happy to let me start buying ALL of my own clothes. Abandoned that little detail of providing clothes for your teenage child altogether. -Kyla > > > > > > Wow, this is a new insight for me, I never thought about it this > > way. > > > Coming from my mom, this makes perfect sense. I was always > getting > > > called selfish for asking for or wanting anything. Of course she > > > expected quid pro quo (and beyond). That's how a kid would > think. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > And that's an apt description of perhaps why BPDs are unnerved > by > > > > their own kids: it's like they're saying " How dare you ask ME > > for > > > > anything -- I was here first! " . So many BPD parents > (including > > > > mine) act like the kids are a nuisance and in the way -- > always > > > > needing you to tend to their needs, when that's EXACTLY what > you > > > > sign up for when you give birth! > > > > > > > > I remember years ago, my grandmother said about my BPD nada > (her > > own > > > > daughter!): " I don't think she really ever grew up. " > > > > > > > > Very wise woman. > > > > > > > > Thanks again for the great post. > > > > > > > > -Kyla > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2008 Report Share Posted January 23, 2008 The comment your grandma' made about your nada never growing up is something I finally understood in my own nada. I call it " arrested development " . What I am trying to figure out, though, is at what age she got stuck. I lean towards the pre-teens. My nada acts like she overdosed on puberty hormones with her rages, high levels of physical affection, uncontrollable giggles, and then sudden thurder storms of rage and hate, and " You Suck. I Hate You " fits when people don't do what she wants. Has anyone else pondered at what physiological and chronological stage of development your nada or fada stayed at? Kannielu > > > > > > > > Wow, this is a new insight for me, I never thought about it > this > > > way. > > > > Coming from my mom, this makes perfect sense. I was always > > getting > > > > called selfish for asking for or wanting anything. Of course > she > > > > expected quid pro quo (and beyond). That's how a kid would > > think. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > And that's an apt description of perhaps why BPDs are > unnerved > > by > > > > > their own kids: it's like they're saying " How dare you ask > ME > > > for > > > > > anything -- I was here first! " . So many BPD parents > > (including > > > > > mine) act like the kids are a nuisance and in the way -- > > always > > > > > needing you to tend to their needs, when that's EXACTLY what > > you > > > > > sign up for when you give birth! > > > > > > > > > > I remember years ago, my grandmother said about my BPD nada > > (her > > > own > > > > > daughter!): " I don't think she really ever grew up. " > > > > > > > > > > Very wise woman. > > > > > > > > > > Thanks again for the great post. > > > > > > > > > > -Kyla > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2008 Report Share Posted January 23, 2008 She does sound BP. I got the " stuff on the front door " deal all the time. One time, she invited me and my kids to eat, and when I arrived late, she had left the food on the front porch and refused to open the door. Yes, I think you're right about her having to feel needed all the time to feel happy. My nada has always surrounded herself by people who are not as resourceful as she is. Most of her friends are single, or in bad marriages; they are broke, have tons of issues; don't speak English well, and a million other things that make these friends of her NEED her. So, my nada spends all her time doing acts of kindness of others, and people think she's a saint! What they don't know is that her acts of kindness have a million strings attached to them, and it'll be a question of time before she starts collecting on them. And, if these friends don't deliver, she will rant and rage againts them with all the hate of furious hurricane. Her kindness is loaded gun. It's part of the manipulation BPs do. Yes, my nada seems to have good intuition too. But here is were it gets tricky: I always thought my mom was a mind reader, and could see right through me. She seemed to have the same affect on everyone else, and everyone was amazed by her " sensibility " . Today, I think a lot of this so-called intuition was simply her picking up on my own insecurities that SHE planted in me in the first place. Does that makes sense? Kinda' twisted, no? Anyway, if she is helpful, kind and occassionally loving at times, that's nice. In fact, my nada does this too, sometimes for weeks on end. My boyfriend calls these moments a " dry-drunk " period. Basically, an alcoholic who is dry at the moment, but the minute they hit the sauce, all hell brakes loose. My nada is not an alcoholic, but she exhibits the same type of erradic behaviors or calmness. You never know. She's a ticking time bomb. Yes, I do believe your mom is BP. Take a look at these questions and judge for yourself: http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/indicators.shtml Kannielu > > I am slightly confused. I hope I am not the one with BPD. The problem > is... simply understanding my mother. I am used to seeing her go into > rages, say nasty things, pull out guilt trips, and try to control > everything If you cross her, or do something she doesn't approve of, > oh Brother!- > > however she isn't like this all the time. She is very helpful with a > lot of issues. This is also when she tends to be the happiest is when > she believes she has the solution to a challenge or a problem. I > believe that this happiness comes from the feeling that she is needed > and won't be left behind? Do you think this is right? > > It is difficult for me to understand that she might have BPD with this > change in character. The eruptions happen probably about every couple > of months with myself. I know at home with my father they happen all > the time. It appears that the man can't do anything right. He has a > chronic illness and I believe he is depressed all the time. I think > she definitely exhibits " I hate you, don't leave me " with him. > > My husband thinks she is a nut case. When we returned from our > honeymoon, she was upset with us because he and I had planned the > whole wedding. Someone said something stupid at the reception and she > got mad at us. The same day we returned, she asked me to stop by so I > could pick up my things. She put all of my belongings out on the > front porch and proceeded to yell at us outside in the driveway. > After this wonderful show outside, she invited us in for a sandwich! > It was the most awkward moment ever. > > My uncle asked my husband out to play golf. She was completely > paranoid about the entire ordeal. > > But at the same time, she has very good intuition, and knows how to > read people. I think this was a trait listed in the book. > > Does she sound BPD? > > Thanks > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2008 Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 BPDs do get stuck at an emotional age. I have heard it is often between the ages of 2 - 5. But of course, it could be at any other age. I find it hard to determine my nada's emotional age - because although she acts childish, her words are those of an adult, and that throws me off. Sylvia > > The comment your grandma' made about your nada never growing up is > something I finally understood in my own nada. I call it " arrested > development " . What I am trying to figure out, though, is at what age > she got stuck. I lean towards the pre-teens. My nada acts like she > overdosed on puberty hormones with her rages, high levels of > physical affection, uncontrollable giggles, and then sudden thurder > storms of rage and hate, and " You Suck. I Hate You " fits when people > don't do what she wants. > > Has anyone else pondered at what physiological and chronological > stage of development your nada or fada stayed at? > > Kannielu ..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 24, 2008 Report Share Posted January 24, 2008 When I have to deal with my Nada, I always think of her like a toddler. Once I got that perspective, I could see she had temper tantrums for not getting her way, and why she can't seem to think about anything except in terms of herself. But my Nada also uses big words, and educated English, so it can be confusing. Also, growing up i felt i " passed " her developmentally when i was around 15, so sometimes it seems she might be pre- or young teen. this might just be because that was an age where i was rebelling though? What's really strange is my Nada has a Masters in Psychology, and has been a therapist, a drug counselor (she has a drug problem herself!), and a juvenile probation officer! (she hasn't been able to work in the field for over a decade though - her BPD only seems to get worse as she ages.) the hypocrisy's in her life always perplexes me. > > > > The comment your grandma' made about your nada never growing up is > > something I finally understood in my own nada. I call it " arrested > > development " . What I am trying to figure out, though, is at what > age > > she got stuck. I lean towards the pre-teens. My nada acts like > she > > overdosed on puberty hormones with her rages, high levels of > > physical affection, uncontrollable giggles, and then sudden > thurder > > storms of rage and hate, and " You Suck. I Hate You " fits when > people > > don't do what she wants. > > > > Has anyone else pondered at what physiological and chronological > > stage of development your nada or fada stayed at? > > > > Kannielu > .... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 25, 2008 Report Share Posted January 25, 2008 slingshot2hell and Syliva: Thinking of nada as a toddler has really helped me before. I think of her condition as emotional autism. Despite her intelligence, she is emotionally stunted around 3 or 4. Thanks for the reminder, as I will be seeing her tomorrow. I am thinking of this as good practice for when I have a toddler of my own! > > > > > > The comment your grandma' made about your nada never growing up is > > > something I finally understood in my own nada. I call it " arrested > > > development " . What I am trying to figure out, though, is at what > > age > > > she got stuck. I lean towards the pre-teens. My nada acts like > > she > > > overdosed on puberty hormones with her rages, high levels of > > > physical affection, uncontrollable giggles, and then sudden > > thurder > > > storms of rage and hate, and " You Suck. I Hate You " fits when > > people > > > don't do what she wants. > > > > > > Has anyone else pondered at what physiological and chronological > > > stage of development your nada or fada stayed at? > > > > > > Kannielu > > .... > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 25, 2008 Report Share Posted January 25, 2008 We KOs can almost identify our BPDs parent's emotional age at the age that they started abusing us. Up until that time, we were still under their control. Sylvia > > > > > > The comment your grandma' made about your nada never growing up is > > > something I finally understood in my own nada. I call it " arrested > > > development " . What I am trying to figure out, though, is at what > > age > > > she got stuck. I lean towards the pre-teens. My nada acts like > > she > > > overdosed on puberty hormones with her rages, high levels of > > > physical affection, uncontrollable giggles, and then sudden > > thurder > > > storms of rage and hate, and " You Suck. I Hate You " fits when > > people > > > don't do what she wants. > > > > > > Has anyone else pondered at what physiological and chronological > > > stage of development your nada or fada stayed at? > > > > > > Kannielu > > .... > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 26, 2008 Report Share Posted January 26, 2008 This is really interesting to me. I can remember as a 5 or 6 year old child watching my BPD dad rant, and think " Oh, he's angry like one of my 3 year old friends. He shouldn't be doing that now. " there was a strange sense of PASSING him, emotionally. Like there was a point that we were the SAME AGE, and then I kept growing and he didn't. My mom, too seemed to see us children as adult adversaries sometimes, rather than as, well, children. I can remember watching her burst into hysterical tears when I was a teenager (a frequent occurrance) and wondering where I could find a strong, truly grown-up woman as a role model. Because mom seemed like a hurt and frozen lost little girl. I would try to comfort her, but I know I needed lots more than this. I wound up reading about other mothers, mature mothers, in books and trying to imagine how they might raise me. The confusing part in this is that my parents also have (very) rare moments of emotional maturity (they are in their 70s) and are very bright and articulate. Letty > > > > > > > > The comment your grandma' made about your nada never growing > up is > > > > something I finally understood in my own nada. I call > it " arrested > > > > development " . What I am trying to figure out, though, is at > what > > > age > > > > she got stuck. I lean towards the pre-teens. My nada acts > like > > > she > > > > overdosed on puberty hormones with her rages, high levels of > > > > physical affection, uncontrollable giggles, and then sudden > > > thurder > > > > storms of rage and hate, and " You Suck. I Hate You " fits when > > > people > > > > don't do what she wants. > > > > > > > > Has anyone else pondered at what physiological and > chronological > > > > stage of development your nada or fada stayed at? > > > > > > > > Kannielu > > > .... > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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