Re: Made it through the battle

[Guest guest]

,

My nada has said, and I quote, " if your brother turns gay, I will disown him and

never

speak to him again " Brother says it is almost worth it. He isn't but is

seriously tempted by

the prospect of never speaking to her again. Not that that would really

happen. Any such

declarations of that nature on his part would be met with a full scale campaign

to convince

him of the error of his ways.

I make the mistake of mentioning that one of my really cool co-workers was gay

and got a

three page letter from nada three days later about the sinful nature of his

lifestyle and that

I am aligning myself with satan by hanging out with him and condoning his

lifestyle choice

ect. Ask me if I have told her that my neighbors of the past four years are

gay. NOT.

Next time you do not sing nada's tune when she calls you and she accuses you of

not

talking to her I would be even more blunt . " Gee, mom, I am talking to you

about this. I

just do not agree with your point of view. If I have to agree with you to

discuss this then I

guess we should just agree to disagree and drop it. "

Then all you would need is a hidden camera to catch the look on her face as you

said it!

BWA HAHAHA! (back back wicked carla)

Carla

> I can honestly say I am not sad, I know he is safe, and I know he is happy, I

think that is

> pretty darn great. I saw how unhappy he was before he made the realization

so maybe

> that is it.

>

> They she started crying, I don't know why I call you with this stuff, you

won't talk with

me

> about it.

>

> I thought that was what I was doing, but if I don't have her feelings, I am

not talking to

> her about it. This is what I said,

>

> Anyway she says I don't know why I try and talk to you, you don't know how to

talk -- I

> wish I had the guts to say, its kinda like walking through a mine field you

are afraid to

put

> your foot down, because you might loose it!

>

> SO she eneded the conversation. I feel like I stayed true to myself.

>

> Thanks everyone I think it helped " preparing for battle " with you guys. I

hope that this

> becomes second nature.

>

> L

>

[Guest guest]

i love evil Carla, she makes me laugh

Nada is just a pond of contadiction, she says she knew he was gay and then she

says she

can't believe it.

I will def. get more blunt, I really like that idea, because you can be sure

this conversation

isn't over.

The part that drives me nuts, is she treats me like I am her husband.

Why do I have to help her deal with her son being gay? I tried to be

sympathetic that she

was sad, but I am not going to be sad with her, when I dont feel that way.

Anyway I had a great weekend, and didn't ruin my mood so Yeah fo rme!

>

> ,

>

> My nada has said, and I quote, " if your brother turns gay, I will disown him

and never

> speak to him again " Brother says it is almost worth it. He isn't but is

seriously tempted

by

> the prospect of never speaking to her again. Not that that would really

happen. Any

such

> declarations of that nature on his part would be met with a full scale

campaign to

convince

> him of the error of his ways.

>

> I make the mistake of mentioning that one of my really cool co-workers was gay

and

got a

> three page letter from nada three days later about the sinful nature of his

lifestyle and

that

> I am aligning myself with satan by hanging out with him and condoning his

lifestyle

choice

> ect. Ask me if I have told her that my neighbors of the past four years are

gay. NOT.

>

> Next time you do not sing nada's tune when she calls you and she accuses you

of not

> talking to her I would be even more blunt . " Gee, mom, I am talking to you

about this. I

> just do not agree with your point of view. If I have to agree with you to

discuss this then

I

> guess we should just agree to disagree and drop it. "

>

> Then all you would need is a hidden camera to catch the look on her face as

you said it!

> BWA HAHAHA! (back back wicked carla)

>

> Carla

>

>

> > I can honestly say I am not sad, I know he is safe, and I know he is happy,

I think that

is

> > pretty darn great. I saw how unhappy he was before he made the realization

so

maybe

> > that is it.

> >

> > They she started crying, I don't know why I call you with this stuff, you

won't talk with

> me

> > about it.

> >

> > I thought that was what I was doing, but if I don't have her feelings, I am

not talking

to

> > her about it. This is what I said,

> >

> > Anyway she says I don't know why I try and talk to you, you don't know how

to talk --

I

> > wish I had the guts to say, its kinda like walking through a mine field you

are afraid to

> put

> > your foot down, because you might loose it!

> >

> > SO she eneded the conversation. I feel like I stayed true to myself.

> >

> > Thanks everyone I think it helped " preparing for battle " with you guys. I

hope that

this

> > becomes second nature.

> >

> > L

> >

>

[Guest guest]

There's a book out there somewhere about 'emotional incest'. (Now a BP

would never be into anything like that would they?!) I think it deals

with this sort of thing.

> The part that drives me nuts, is she treats me like I am her husband.

>

Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

[Guest guest]

Very good! And yes, they are MASTERS at making US seem like the

irritant in the relationship. Guaranteed.

You might consider another tactic next time, too -- or keep this in

your " toolbox " in a future dealing with nada:

" Shut up. You don't know how to have a conversation! "

You respond: " You're right. I'd better hang up then. Bye, Mom. "

CLICK.

You did great, though. She was obviously frustrated, so she

resorted to insults. (I usually end the phone call or visit after

the FIRST one.)

And I wouldn't discuss your brother's sexual orientation with her,

either. You'll never convince her to soften her viewpoint, and

she's just trying to use it to hammer you with. Next time she

says " So, how do you feel about your brother's situation? " you can

say " We've been all over this mom, I'm done talking about it. " She

just wants to gossip about your brother, which would make me

uncomfortable.

Here are some vague, non-committal phrases that are handy for when

the BPD is trying to draw you into an inappropriate or uncomfortable

subject:

" Well, you may be right. "

Shrug your shoulders and say " I dunno " .

" Time will tell "

" We'll see "

" I'm just glad he's happy "

" You'd need to ask him that "

etc.....

You see where I'm going with this? You're blunting her efforts to

drag you AND your brother through the mud. You're frustrating her

efforts to talk inappropriately behind your brother's back, which

preserves your integrity. Your brother deserves that respect. And

she'll learn that you're not her " yes man " anymore.

Oh, and her quote about " Families need to talk about this " is bull.

She's just using your brother's life to create drama. You guys are

all grown up, out on your own, and are perfectly capable of

incorporating your brother's news separately. She doesn't get to

play matriarch and order everybody around just because there's some

news. It's done. You and your brother discussed it between

yourselves -- your mother is trying to insert herself between you.

You're allowed to have a separate relationship with your brother

that is none of your mother's business. You guys are allowed your

privacy.

And when she gets frustrated and says " Shut up " (or whatever

insult), you say, with lots of empathy in your voice, " I can tell

you're upset, so I'd better give you some time and space. Bye. "

(Or however you'd word it -- use her agitated state as EXACTLY the

reason you're hanging up!!! Use her own words against her as your

cue to hang up!) Then, HANG UP.

-Kyla

>

> Good Morning everyone,

>

> The dreaded call came yesterday and I just returned it this

morning.

>

> It amazes me how she can make me believe that I am the one who is

unreasonable.

>

> I knew one of the big issues would be when I found out versus when

she found out. So

> wouldn't you know the first question was when did he tell you.

>

> My simple answer, I don't remember, On to the rant, how can you

not remember, was it a

> week ago, a month ago etc. I replied with its been a while I just

don't remember exactly

> when, so was it a year ago, 2 years ago, MOM I DON'T REMEMBER, why

is it so important

> that you know the date? So I dodged the why didn't you tell me

bullet but made my way

> into the other land mines

>

> Her response was that she would like to talk to me about it, we

are a family and she would

> like to know how I feel about it.

>

> I said well I feel fine about it, I am happy for him whenever he

is happy

>

> Since she didn't have the time frame to make it about her, she

turned to that she is not

> happy to have a gay son, that she knows the gay community and

there are a lot of devious

> people in it and she is worried about him.

>

> So I asked her, what are you worried about, that someone is going

to go after his money?

> someone is going to try and hurt him physically.

>

> I was told to shut up, I don't know how to have a conversation...

AHHHH

>

> Then she tells me that she is disappointed in him, that she was

looking forward to having

> a daugter in law and some grandchildren, and how do I feel about

that.

>

> I told her, that I thought the world has changed since she knew

her gay friends in the early

> 70's and that he can if he wants find a life partner and adopt

children.

>

> Now, I may be a little bit of dreamer but I don't see why he can't

have that. I was told that

> I should not feel that way that I too should be sad and upset.

>

> I can honestly say I am not sad, I know he is safe, and I know he

is happy, I think that is

> pretty darn great. I saw how unhappy he was before he made the

realization so maybe

> that is it.

>

> They she started crying, I don't know why I call you with this

stuff, you won't talk with me

> about it.

>

> I thought that was what I was doing, but if I don't have her

feelings, I am not talking to

> her about it. This is what I said,

>

> Anyway she says I don't know why I try and talk to you, you don't

know how to talk -- I

> wish I had the guts to say, its kinda like walking through a mine

field you are afraid to put

> your foot down, because you might loose it!

>

> SO she eneded the conversation. I feel like I stayed true to

myself.

>

> Thanks everyone I think it helped " preparing for battle " with you

guys. I hope that this

> becomes second nature.

>

> L

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you, this is good stuff, printing it for the file!

> >

> > Good Morning everyone,

> >

> > The dreaded call came yesterday and I just returned it this

> morning.

> >

> > It amazes me how she can make me believe that I am the one who is

> unreasonable.

> >

> > I knew one of the big issues would be when I found out versus when

> she found out. So

> > wouldn't you know the first question was when did he tell you.

> >

> > My simple answer, I don't remember, On to the rant, how can you

> not remember, was it a

> > week ago, a month ago etc. I replied with its been a while I just

> don't remember exactly

> > when, so was it a year ago, 2 years ago, MOM I DON'T REMEMBER, why

> is it so important

> > that you know the date? So I dodged the why didn't you tell me

> bullet but made my way

> > into the other land mines

> >

> > Her response was that she would like to talk to me about it, we

> are a family and she would

> > like to know how I feel about it.

> >

> > I said well I feel fine about it, I am happy for him whenever he

> is happy

> >

> > Since she didn't have the time frame to make it about her, she

> turned to that she is not

> > happy to have a gay son, that she knows the gay community and

> there are a lot of devious

> > people in it and she is worried about him.

> >

> > So I asked her, what are you worried about, that someone is going

> to go after his money?

> > someone is going to try and hurt him physically.

> >

> > I was told to shut up, I don't know how to have a conversation...

> AHHHH

> >

> > Then she tells me that she is disappointed in him, that she was

> looking forward to having

> > a daugter in law and some grandchildren, and how do I feel about

> that.

> >

> > I told her, that I thought the world has changed since she knew

> her gay friends in the early

> > 70's and that he can if he wants find a life partner and adopt

> children.

> >

> > Now, I may be a little bit of dreamer but I don't see why he can't

> have that. I was told that

> > I should not feel that way that I too should be sad and upset.

> >

> > I can honestly say I am not sad, I know he is safe, and I know he

> is happy, I think that is

> > pretty darn great. I saw how unhappy he was before he made the

> realization so maybe

> > that is it.

> >

> > They she started crying, I don't know why I call you with this

> stuff, you won't talk with me

> > about it.

> >

> > I thought that was what I was doing, but if I don't have her

> feelings, I am not talking to

> > her about it. This is what I said,

> >

> > Anyway she says I don't know why I try and talk to you, you don't

> know how to talk -- I

> > wish I had the guts to say, its kinda like walking through a mine

> field you are afraid to put

> > your foot down, because you might loose it!

> >

> > SO she eneded the conversation. I feel like I stayed true to

> myself.

> >

> > Thanks everyone I think it helped " preparing for battle " with you

> guys. I hope that this

> > becomes second nature.

> >

> > L

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Kyla's list is great:

> " Well, you may be right. "

> Shrug your shoulders and say " I dunno " .

> " Time will tell "

> " We'll see "

> " I'm just glad he's happy "

> " You'd need to ask him that "

> etc.....

I'd like to add my new personal favorite that we use at work for

dealing with obstinate people:

" It is what it is. "

Even a BP parent can't argue with that.

~Elle

[Guest guest]

What is it with making everything all about them?

My brother is an alcoholic and a couple of years ago, got arrested

for his second DWI and lost his license for two years. He went on

the bender because he lost his job, has a very nice house, a kid and

a wife with very expensive tastes. He had to admitt to being an

alchohoic, worry about money and go into treatment.

NOw instead of being scared for him, she spent the whole night

worrying about " How could he do this to me? " " How will this look to

other people? " I wanted to kick her.

(Nevermind that a good percentage of abused children are alcoholics)

Wow!

Acceptance is not in their repertoire.

> > Good Morning everyone,

> >

> > The dreaded call came yesterday and I just returned it this

morning.

> >

> > It amazes me how she can make me believe that I am the one who is

> > unreasonable.

> >

> > I knew one of the big issues would be when I found out versus

when she

> > found out. So

> > wouldn't you know the first question was when did he tell you.

> >

> > My simple answer, I don't remember, On to the rant, how can you

not

> > remember, was it a

> > week ago, a month ago etc. I replied with its been a while I just

> > don't remember exactly

> > when, so was it a year ago, 2 years ago, MOM I DON'T REMEMBER,

why is

> > it so important

> > that you know the date? So I dodged the why didn't you tell me

bullet

> > but made my way

> > into the other land mines

> >

> > Her response was that she would like to talk to me about it, we

are a

> > family and she would

> > like to know how I feel about it.

> >

> > I said well I feel fine about it, I am happy for him whenever he

is

> > happy

> >

> > Since she didn't have the time frame to make it about her, she

turned

> > to that she is not

> > happy to have a gay son, that she knows the gay community and

there

> > are a lot of devious

> > people in it and she is worried about him.

> >

> > So I asked her, what are you worried about, that someone is going

to

> > go after his money?

> > someone is going to try and hurt him physically.

> >

> > I was told to shut up, I don't know how to have a conversation...

> > AHHHH

> >

> > Then she tells me that she is disappointed in him, that she was

> > looking forward to having

> > a daugter in law and some grandchildren, and how do I feel about

that.

> >

> > I told her, that I thought the world has changed since she knew

her

> > gay friends in the early

> > 70's and that he can if he wants find a life partner and adopt

> > children.

> >

> > Now, I may be a little bit of dreamer but I don't see why he can't

> > have that. I was told that

> > I should not feel that way that I too should be sad and upset.

> >

> > I can honestly say I am not sad, I know he is safe, and I know he

is

> > happy, I think that is

> > pretty darn great. I saw how unhappy he was before he made the

> > realization so maybe

> > that is it.

> >

> > They she started crying, I don't know why I call you with this

stuff,

> > you won't talk with me

> > about it.

> >

> > I thought that was what I was doing, but if I don't have her

feelings,

> > I am not talking to

> > her about it. This is what I said,

> >

> > Anyway she says I don't know why I try and talk to you, you don't

know

> > how to talk -- I

> > wish I had the guts to say, its kinda like walking through a mine

> > field you are afraid to put

> > your foot down, because you might loose it!

> >

> > SO she eneded the conversation. I feel like I stayed true to

myself.

> >

> > Thanks everyone I think it helped " preparing for battle " with you

> > guys. I hope that this

> > becomes second nature.

> >

> > L

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

> Send instant messages to your online friends

http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

>

[Guest guest]

Yea its sad to say they always worry about what other people will

think , the people who have no idea they are crazy..

> > > Good Morning everyone,

> > >

> > > The dreaded call came yesterday and I just returned it this

> morning.

> > >

> > > It amazes me how she can make me believe that I am the one who is

> > > unreasonable.

> > >

> > > I knew one of the big issues would be when I found out versus

> when she

> > > found out. So

> > > wouldn't you know the first question was when did he tell you.

> > >

> > > My simple answer, I don't remember, On to the rant, how can you

> not

> > > remember, was it a

> > > week ago, a month ago etc. I replied with its been a while I just

> > > don't remember exactly

> > > when, so was it a year ago, 2 years ago, MOM I DON'T REMEMBER,

> why is

> > > it so important

> > > that you know the date? So I dodged the why didn't you tell me

> bullet

> > > but made my way

> > > into the other land mines

> > >

> > > Her response was that she would like to talk to me about it, we

> are a

> > > family and she would

> > > like to know how I feel about it.

> > >

> > > I said well I feel fine about it, I am happy for him whenever he

> is

> > > happy

> > >

> > > Since she didn't have the time frame to make it about her, she

> turned

> > > to that she is not

> > > happy to have a gay son, that she knows the gay community and

> there

> > > are a lot of devious

> > > people in it and she is worried about him.

> > >

> > > So I asked her, what are you worried about, that someone is going

> to

> > > go after his money?

> > > someone is going to try and hurt him physically.

> > >

> > > I was told to shut up, I don't know how to have a conversation...

> > > AHHHH

> > >

> > > Then she tells me that she is disappointed in him, that she was

> > > looking forward to having

> > > a daugter in law and some grandchildren, and how do I feel about

> that.

> > >

> > > I told her, that I thought the world has changed since she knew

> her

> > > gay friends in the early

> > > 70's and that he can if he wants find a life partner and adopt

> > > children.

> > >

> > > Now, I may be a little bit of dreamer but I don't see why he can't

> > > have that. I was told that

> > > I should not feel that way that I too should be sad and upset.

> > >

> > > I can honestly say I am not sad, I know he is safe, and I know he

> is

> > > happy, I think that is

> > > pretty darn great. I saw how unhappy he was before he made the

> > > realization so maybe

> > > that is it.

> > >

> > > They she started crying, I don't know why I call you with this

> stuff,

> > > you won't talk with me

> > > about it.

> > >

> > > I thought that was what I was doing, but if I don't have her

> feelings,

> > > I am not talking to

> > > her about it. This is what I said,

> > >

> > > Anyway she says I don't know why I try and talk to you, you don't

> know

> > > how to talk -- I

> > > wish I had the guts to say, its kinda like walking through a mine

> > > field you are afraid to put

> > > your foot down, because you might loose it!

> > >

> > > SO she eneded the conversation. I feel like I stayed true to

> myself.

> > >

> > > Thanks everyone I think it helped " preparing for battle " with you

> > > guys. I hope that this

> > > becomes second nature.

> > >

> > > L

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> > Send instant messages to your online friends

> http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

> >

>

[Guest guest]

It's been my experience that what they think other (sane) people

think/say about them is as demented as everything else. So even if sane

people think they're a little on the peculiar side of quaint, the N

thinks everyone thinks she's wonderful. And then worries about what

people say about her.

Many of Yeti's 'dumping' her friends have belatedly come clear: the sane

people get to see what she's *really* like and flee for their f'n lives.

Of course, she's never to blame so 'she dumped them' because they're

generally smelly people.

> Yea its sad to say they always worry about what other people will

> think , the people who have no idea they are crazy..

Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com