Guest guest Posted January 14, 2008 Report Share Posted January 14, 2008 Beverley, have you ever heard of projection? Yeti's a superhuman wonder at it. > Nada often astounds me by accusing people of the opposite of what is > happening. Eg After a day when she has worn out a full battery of > slaves helping poor little her with the exact kind of fruit and in > perfect condition, perfectly ironing her silks and sheets, racing > around town to find the only place that sells the kind of bagels she > likes, making a supper she has longed for for years,etcetcetc you get > the picture, she will wail that " noone ever does anything for me " . > There are other examples of the contrariness but can anyone else > relate? Does she genuinely believe that is true, or is there a warped > misperception of exactly what she is experpencing? Like she can name > the behaviour that is occuring but cannot see herself as beneficiary? Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 14, 2008 Report Share Posted January 14, 2008 I know exactly what you mean here. My mother has accused me of being a terrible daughter, incompassionate, ungrateful, unkind, selfish, and disrespectful. I have always treated my mom with immense respect. I sympathized with her when she was in the hospital in pain from surgery, i was there for here ALWAYS. I gave her money, helped her with bills sometimes, took her out all the time, bought her dinner all the time, helped her with her chores, pretty much did all her bidding without question. And then i would be accused of being all those terrible things I listed above. No matter what we do , nothing will ever been good enough. > > Another question: > > Nada often astounds me by accusing people of the opposite of what is happening. Eg After a day when she has worn out a full battery of slaves helping poor little her with the exact kind of fruit and in perfect condition, perfectly ironing her silks and sheets, racing around town to find the only place that sells the kind of bagels she likes, making a supper she has longed for for years,etcetcetc you get the picture, she will wail that " noone ever does anything for me " . There are other examples of the contrariness but can anyone else relate? Does she genuinely believe that is true, or is there a warped misperception of exactly what she is experpencing? Like she can name the behaviour that is occuring but cannot see herself as beneficiary? > > > --------------------------------- > Ask a question on any topic and get answers from real people. Go to Yahoo! Answers. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 14, 2008 Report Share Posted January 14, 2008 Sounds like a classic Queen to me!! Queens perpetually feel empty and that nothing is good enough to meet their royal, impetuous whims. And you're right--they create their own reality and then absolutely believe it to be true. My own nada (someone else said this a week ago, too) always assumes that people should not only be willing to wait on her hand and foot at all times but that she should also get everything for free. It can wreak havoc on us KOs who cook, clean, chaffeur, sort through closets, scrub silver and generally suppress all our own needs to meet theirs and are then criticized for not doing enough. When I was younger, my friends would often remark that my mom treated me like a slave; I was expected to run a series of errands each day and to help her throw--often doing all the cooking and cleaning!--numerous dinners and parties. It just seemed normal to me and sometimes, I was even critical of my friends for rolling their eyes when their parents asked them to do something as simple as take out the trash. Even now, my boyfriend acts like going over to his parents house to shovel the snow is a pain in the butt. It does take hours but it seems like such a small request, especially given how they dote on us and take us out to dinner and movies... Back to your point though, I do understand how confusing and frustrating those reverse accusations can feel. When I'm home with nada and finally get frustrated with helping her, usually after having spent the entire day running her errands, watering her plants, weeding her garden and so on, she has the nerve to accuse me of 'barely' helping out the rest of the year. It's like, what rest of the year?? How can I help her when I live five states away? And why would it ever be my 'job' in the first place?? I'm a grown woman with a life and apartment of my own... Beverley son wrote: Another question: Nada often astounds me by accusing people of the opposite of what is happening. Eg After a day when she has worn out a full battery of slaves helping poor little her with the exact kind of fruit and in perfect condition, perfectly ironing her silks and sheets, racing around town to find the only place that sells the kind of bagels she likes, making a supper she has longed for for years,etcetcetc you get the picture, she will wail that " noone ever does anything for me " . There are other examples of the contrariness but can anyone else relate? Does she genuinely believe that is true, or is there a warped misperception of exactly what she is experpencing? Like she can name the behaviour that is occuring but cannot see herself as beneficiary? --------------------------------- Ask a question on any topic and get answers from real people. Go to Yahoo! Answers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 14, 2008 Report Share Posted January 14, 2008 re children as slave labor... when i was 15, i decided not to get my driver's license until after i moved out of the house. i could just see the price of driver's ed, the price of a car, monthly payments for insurance, and gas money being hung over my head for all eternity. plus, i'd be expected to do all the shopping, pick up my little sisters from two different schools, drive mom wherever she wanted to go, etc. my friends thought i was insane, but my bike was freedom compared to the shackles driving would have been. bink > Another question: > > Nada often astounds me by accusing people of the opposite of what is happening. Eg After a day when she has worn out a full battery of slaves helping poor little her with the exact kind of fruit and in perfect condition, perfectly ironing her silks and sheets, racing around town to find the only place that sells the kind of bagels she likes, making a supper she has longed for for years,etcetcetc you get the picture, she will wail that " noone ever does anything for me " . There are other examples of the contrariness but can anyone else relate? Does she genuinely believe that is true, or is there a warped misperception of exactly what she is experpencing? Like she can name the behaviour that is occuring but cannot see herself as beneficiary? > > --------------------------------- > Ask a question on any topic and get answers from real people. Go to Yahoo! Answers. > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 15, 2008 Report Share Posted January 15, 2008 My nada, queen of the world, does the same thing. My fada is her personal slave boy. I also was her personal slave until I discovered this site and read BPD books and books pertaining to BPD's that are self absorbed. Since I have detached myself, she almost daily, tells my fada " you better not die before me!!! " (my fada makes weekly visits to my house and tells me). She knows damn well that if he dies first, she'll have no replacement slave. Her biggest fear (at 87 years old) has become being alone with no one to push around and waite on her hand and foot. There's no one left in the family that will tolerate her bullying, name calling, constant criticism and all around evilness. My parents have been together for over 60 years, and dishrag dad has chosen his role with her. Unfortunately, he has gradually become almost as negative and critical as she is. He's picked up fleas from her, so I guess I'm going to have to not be available for him too. I'm finding it more and more difficult to be in the same room with either one of them. I've learned not to 'hang around' those who steal joy from us. Life's too short to give these people any of our time - parents or not. good luck to u. My heart goes out to u. I can only suggest to try to get on with our life with the confidence that was stolen from you. There are really nice people out there. You'll find them. They will find you. I've learned thru all this which ones they are and am gradually learning how to trust again. Slowly, but surely. LL **************Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape. http://body.aol.com/fitness/winter-exercise?NCID=aolcmp00300000002489 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 15, 2008 Report Share Posted January 15, 2008 As a one time psychology major, but long ago, I looked it up. One definition is as follows:projection is a psychological defense mechanism whereby one " projects " one's own undesirable thoughts, motivations, desires, and feelings onto someone else. I guess I have trouble with double negatives; the logic doesnt make sense to me in this case. If she said that everybody was mean, Id get it better than her saying no one takes care of her when that is what they are doing flat out. But silly me: expecting logic from BPD! Anyway she does lots of the unmistakeable projection too, so a rose by any other name hurts just as much. I used to love it when she called me crazy. Hutton wrote: Beverley, have you ever heard of projection? Yeti's a superhuman wonder at it. > Nada often astounds me by accusing people of the opposite of what is > happening. Eg After a day when she has worn out a full battery of > slaves helping poor little her with the exact kind of fruit and in > perfect condition, perfectly ironing her silks and sheets, racing > around town to find the only place that sells the kind of bagels she > likes, making a supper she has longed for for years,etcetcetc you get > the picture, she will wail that " noone ever does anything for me " . > There are other examples of the contrariness but can anyone else > relate? Does she genuinely believe that is true, or is there a warped > misperception of exactly what she is experpencing? Like she can name > the behaviour that is occuring but cannot see herself as beneficiary? Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com --------------------------------- Be smarter than spam. See how smart SpamGuard is at giving junk email the boot with the All-new Yahoo! Mail Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 I can relate. My Nada, when my siblings (not me) jumps through hoops for her to make her happy, she will as quickly forget it and onto the next jumping through hoops saga, cycle continues. She doesn't like to acknowledge any past good deed someone does for her. In Nada's mind " It is the least they can do for their mother, after all her sacrifices for them in (giving birth, raising them) and no need to gush over thanking them. " And in her mind, yes, it is never enough and yes, no one ever does anything for me attitude...yes, she believes it.....gosh they sound all alike.....cheers Broomie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 Agree. That describes my mother exactly.-- I find it hard to deal with always feeling well like everything I do is wrong, even though I'm a professional and do my best to manage my life, I always feel afraid to fail in some way, or sometimes even guilty almost that I exist.-- I'd love to know how others here deal with similar feelings. Thanks. At the moment, it's particularly bad even though nothing horrible has happened. Re: Re: Reverse accusations You are absolutely correct in saying " nothing will EVER be good enough " with nada's. You cannot meet their expectations EVER. If you do, they'll change them! They are not capable of being happy; they thrive off of being miserable; thrive being able to criticize; Take that away and they are nothing. LL **************Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape. http://body. <http://body.aol.com/fitness/winter-exercise?NCID=aolcmp00300000002489> aol.com/fitness/winter-exercise?NCID=aolcmp00300000002489 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 Maureen, You are right, nothing is ever good enough and they bring you down regardless. I'm a legal assistant and my HB is a lawyer. She could care less. But, she thinks my bum of an exHB is a dream. She could care less if I live in a mansion or a trailer park. I think she'd just assume see me suffer. I'm sure she secretly wishes that I lived in a trailer with 6 kids that have different babies daddys on welfare and food stamps with a crack pipe hanging out of my mouth. Instead, I got an education and got a good job. Hah! If I had lived the life she wanted me to live, I'd be in that trailer park...still. Khris > > Agree. That describes my mother exactly.-- I find it hard to deal with always feeling well like everything I do is wrong, even though I'm a professional and do my best to manage my life, I always feel afraid to fail in some way, or sometimes even guilty almost that I exist.-- I'd love to know how others here deal with similar feelings. Thanks. At the moment, it's particularly bad even though nothing horrible has happened. > Re: Re: Reverse accusations > > > > You are absolutely correct in saying " nothing will EVER be good enough " with > nada's. You cannot meet their expectations EVER. If you do, they'll change > them! They are not capable of being happy; they thrive off of being > miserable; thrive being able to criticize; Take that away and they are nothing. > > LL > > **************Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape. > http://body. <http://body.aol.com/fitness/winter-exercise? NCID=aolcmp00300000002489> aol.com/fitness/winter-exercise? NCID=aolcmp00300000002489 > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 --- Maureen, I can relate to this exactly. I recently told my therapist about my intense sense of guilt, which after discussion with her, I realized was " guilt for existing " . She thinks that this realization (and whatever comes next, I guess), is critical to my recovery. She says that this guilt causes me to see some things thru her lens. Joanna In WTOAdultChildren1 , " Schulz, Maureen, SSA " wrote: > > Agree. That describes my mother exactly.-- I find it hard to deal with always feeling well like everything I do is wrong, even though I'm a professional and do my best to manage my life, I always feel afraid to fail in some way, or sometimes even guilty almost that I exist.-- I'd love to know how others here deal with similar feelings. Thanks. At the moment, it's particularly bad even though nothing horrible has happened. > Re: Re: Reverse accusations > > > > You are absolutely correct in saying " nothing will EVER be good enough " with > nada's. You cannot meet their expectations EVER. If you do, they'll change > them! They are not capable of being happy; they thrive off of being > miserable; thrive being able to criticize; Take that away and they are nothing. > > LL > > **************Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape. > http://body. <http://body.aol.com/fitness/winter-exercise? NCID=aolcmp00300000002489> aol.com/fitness/winter-exercise? NCID=aolcmp00300000002489 > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 Nada often told me I was crazy, and I knew she believed it. Now I understand why - cause if she didn't believe it, she would have to deal with the fact that she was crazy. Sylvia > > This seems to be a staple in the mind of a Bpd ahahah my mom use to > tell me and well still does now and again that I needed to get help to > see who I really was. That I was mentally unstable ahahaha and that > was when I was a kid. what mother tells her child that? Not that I > didnt need help but it wasnt the way she ment it. > > >....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 LL, My sister and I are in the same situation. Nada is 87 and fada is 88. Nada realized her own mortality a few years ago. Since then, she has been telling everyone she never thought she would live this long - she never planned to live this long. Her fear of being abandoned has caused her to do many things that have been detrimental to their financial security. Because of her age, she and fada just can't recover from her mistakes the way they used to. I went NC with them 4 years ago. Sister tried to help them over the past two years. They showed their appreciation by putting her in a financial bind, and accused her of trying to steal all their money. They too have run out of people to help them. Sylvia > > My nada, queen of the world, does the same thing. My fada is her personal > slave boy. I also was her personal slave until I discovered this site and > read BPD books and books pertaining to BPD's that are self absorbed. Since I > have detached myself, she almost daily, tells my fada " you better not die > before me!!! " (my fada makes weekly visits to my house and tells me). She knows > damn well that if he dies first, she'll have no replacement slave. Her > biggest fear (at 87 years old) has become being alone with no one to push around > and waite on her hand and foot. There's no one left in the family that will > tolerate her bullying, name calling, constant criticism and all around > evilness. My parents have been together for over 60 years, and dishrag dad has > chosen his role with her. Unfortunately, he has gradually become almost as > negative and critical as she is. He's picked up fleas from her, so I guess I'm > going to have to not be available for him too. I'm finding it more and more > difficult to be in the same room with either one of them. > > I've learned not to 'hang around' those who steal joy from us. Life's too > short to give these people any of our time - parents or not. > > good luck to u. My heart goes out to u. I can only suggest to try to get > on with our life with the confidence that was stolen from you. There are > really nice people out there. You'll find them. They will find you. I've > learned thru all this which ones they are and am gradually learning how to > trust again. Slowly, but surely. > > LL > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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