Re: My childhood experience

[Guest guest]

So refreshing to be back on the message board and remind myself, " Oh

yeah, I'm not the only one that had parents like that. There are lots

of people out there that know what that feels like to have parents

treat you in a sub-human way. "

>

> Thought we could all share, as I really enjoyed reading Kyla's story.

> Our nadas are all the same yet different, some more HF than others.

> Here's my story:

>

> When I was in kindergarten, I made my mother a Valentine's Day card

> and she threw it in the trash by the end of the day. When I saw it

> and was clearly hurt, she just shrugged. She was never apologetic for

> anything.

>

> I have memories of trying to entertain myself my entire childhood, no

> memories at all of my parents playing with me.

That really sticks with me as well. I really can't remember anyone

really liking playing with me on a regular basis. I was very bored as

a child. It was just like no one wanted me. I felt it to the CORE of

my being, and I think I frantically tried to defend against that

growing up because I had no idea that it may not be me.

I wonder if this has anything to do with being bored a lot as an

adult. Like I constantly have to be doing stuff... (I think my

amygdala is all mis-wired because of growing up in a chronically

stressful environment). Very stressful things make me calm and

centered, but everyday calm things make me anxious, agitated, bored.

I learned early on

> that I was a nuisance and nobody wanted to spend time with me.

>

yup, yup, yup. for some reason it feels good to remind myself that

i'm not the only one struggling in the world with that VERY POWERFUL

message from my childhood.

> I never had a say in what movie we went to see; we saw movies that

> were not age appropriate because my parents wanted to see them, like

> Bond when I was 8 or 9, but they would not take me to see Grease

> no matter how much I begged.

>

> I always felt like my feelings and desires did not matter. My father

> was working or busy and my mother would humor me when I talked to her,

> but usually with an eye roll and a bored look on her face. I never

> felt like anyone was happy to see me.

Yes, me too. It felt like my mother just wasn't that interested. And

that's something you never forget.

>

> She would even tell me " don't wear out your welcome " almost every time

> I went to the neighbor's house, letting me know that everyone would

> find me annoying.

My nada does the same thing. She even told me not to wear out my

welcome when I visited my aunt for the holidays and it had that same

effect on me. It totally crushed my spirit because I felt like my

aunt really ENJOYED seeing me, and she liked me....

>

> When my need to use the restroom interfered with what my nada was

> doing, I was left to poop my pants and it was still not enough of an

> emergency for her to take me to the bathroom when I told her what

> happened.

>

> A pedophile stalked me and chased me home, and when I told my mother,

> she told me to set the table; she didn't call the police or seem to

> believe me.

>

> She exploded over minor things, dug through my trash, shamed me for

> throwing a sliver of soap out, read my diary, told me I'd just gain it

> back when I lost weight, laughed at me when I was hurting. Wouldn't

> take me to the gynecologist when I had horrible periods (turned out I

> had endometriosis). Years later, when the Dr. cut me open and told

> her I must have been in terrible pain, THEN she believed me.

>

> I could not know what would make her explode. If traffic was bad,

> she'd scream at me. Sometimes I would brace for an explosion that

> would not come. I was always on alert.

>

> She had the uncanny ability to invade me and ignore me all at the same

> time.

>

> She always expected the worst from me, thought I was a liar and doing

> drugs though I was really a pretty " good " kid. Mooned over my brother

> and exclaimed he was her favorite while looking at me for a hurt

> reaction. Pitted my brother against me. Told me my father

> practically forced her to have sex with him. Tried to get me on her

> side in their conflicts too. Badmouthed other family members to me,

> especially those closest to my age.

>

> For years, I excused her yelling at me as being because she hated her

> job, but I always felt like she hated me too.

>

> Other than that, dinner was always on the table and the mortgage was

> always paid and I never went without shoes. I always felt hated and

> ignored though. Her feelings were always important, and mine were

> always discounted.

>

> It was as if she thought a child could not feel normal feelings and

> did not deserve a voice of any kind.

>

> -Deanna

I'm just glad that I have really cut my nada out of my life. That's

the least I can do after the mental gymnastics she has put me through.

G.

>