The Mirror syndrome: Constant socialization to stave off soul-crushing boredom

[Guest guest]

So I'm having a blah day and haven't written for a while. Thought I'd

get your thoughts on something.

Over the past couple months I've been reaching out to people, making

new friends etc. It's been great. I feel like I'm finally creating a

" chosen " family vs. just accepting my " biological " family (which as we

all know was no family at all).

So that's been great, and I've been proud of putting myself out there,

connecting with old friends and relatives. Socializing really puts me

in a good mood.

But now I've noticed how I've started to swing to the opposite

spectrum of things. Now, when I'm not out doing something with

friends, I feel so bored (ie right now). And I mean soul-crushing

boredom.

Like I would just die if I didn't have someone to talk to. Even

though I'm sick with a cold, I'm already wondering in my head if

people are going out because I just can't stand to be alone.

This reminds me of some symptoms of BP. There's some quote where BP's

rely on other people to give them a sense of themselves. When they

are alone, it's as if they disappear, it's like looking in a mirror

and seeing nothing. Hence, they can't tolerate loneliness because

it's the same thing as dying.

On top of this, I have been reflecting on my relationship with my

father in therapy recently. In particular, many feelings surrounding

my father's early violent tactics of spanking (when I was 5) without

ANY empathic warm support for these people (and my father was crazy

and sleep deprived etc. and basically hit anyone who didn't do just

what he wanted). This thoughts are so agitating.

I feel like I'm afraid, but I don't know of what. And I don't know

how to calm myself down. I try to talk to myself, cuddle with a

stuffed animal etc.

But the thing that makes me feel the best? Going out with friends!

Because I've just been having trouble getting through these intrusive

thoughts (I try crying, I try deep breathing while visualizing), I

think part of my pleasure in people is now covering my pain. I think

it's becoming an avoidance strategy for something I can't quite even

handle. I even requested that I go to LESS therapy because thinking

about the traumatic memories just makes me more agitated.

The only problem with having so many " friends " is that sometimes

they're not friends at all. It's like I'm obsessed with just

constantly talking to people on line, through e-mail etc, just to have

that mirror reflection, just to have someone there. I get very

agitated if I have to be alone with myself in a way.

I use TV, music, sleep-deprivation, caffeine, friends, etc. to really

not face these feelings. The worst part is that I know this is the

exact opposite of what I'm supposed to do.

But basically I feel like everytime I try to sit with the feelings,

work through them, cry through them whatever... I FEEL LIKE I AM

EFFIN losing my mind.

It even got to the point where I felt like I was in a numb stupor all

together (which was very frightening for me).

Now, I'm wondering what is going on, how do I fix it, etc.

Of course, I'm in dialogue with my therapist about this but it's been

nearly a month of this, and I just can't take it anymore.

I just need to find something to help me move through this agitation.

Anyone been through something similar? Anyone have any suggestions?

Could these recovered memories cause PTSD like symptoms and if so, is

psychodynamic therapy not enough for that?

Thanks for your support!

Confused,

G.