Guest guest Posted January 15, 2008 Report Share Posted January 15, 2008 is right, you just start with one thing. I started with the most disruptive thing. Here is an example. I was so emmeshed that all of Nada's problems with the " family " became my problems. To the point that I started to hate everyone in my family. I told her, it was too much for me to have these conversations about how bad our family was, I basically told her I got the point they suck, lets move on. I feel like all the negativity is ruining my outlook on life. SHe of course said yes, she agreed but it wasn't that easy. It was a very slow moving but extremly worthwhile process. Here is how it went. She would bring up something that someone did. I would just go uh huh, uh huh. Then she would say well what do you think. I had a mantra -- " I told you I don't want to be involved in this anymore, so I don't think anything, I really wish you wouldn't talk about the family with me " She would yell and scream and cry, but I stood firm. For a couple of months, I did let her tell the stories, I didn't know how to get a word in edgewise, but I wouldn't participate in the conversation. Eventually I got to the point were I could say, sounds like you are having aproblem with so and so, I don't want to hear it because I don't want to be involved. She would yell and scream and cry, but I stood firm. Since that is all she talked about it, it had a duel purpose, I no longer talked to her 3x a week for an hour and I no longer had to hear all the bull crap! She still tries and I just do the uh huh, gotta go, etc. Sometimes I get sucked in, but not for long. By the way, I did this all with the help of weekly, sometimes bi weekly therapy sessions. It really helped. Good Luck, > > I have been reading through the posts and identifying with so many > things people bring up. It's actually kind of painful because so > many memories are pushing their way to the forefront. But, I know > I'm not alone in what I've gone through and that is definitely > helpful. I have been reading UBM and am amazed at how well it > describes my mother and myself as a child of. It is very comforting > to understand finally why I always felt like I had no idea who I was > or if I was even a real person. > > My question is how do you separate from her? My mother is mostly a > Waif with some Queen mixed in. She is at a point where she does > nothing for herself. She is just letting herself go mentally and > physically. I do want to move on with my life that I've worked so > hard to create (I lost everything once before having chosen drugs as > a way to cope with her craziness). But how do you pull away enough > to have healthy distance and at the same time not feel guilty about > her wasting away. I hope I don't sound wishy washy, I do want to > stand alone and not be responsible for her in any way, but I can't > figure out how to do it emotionally. She has me trained so well to > clean up her messes, literally and figuratively, that I am having > diffuculty knowing how to do it. ' > > I know I need to learn how to set clear, firm boundaries, I'm just > wondering if others have been in the same situation and how they > have handled it. > > Thanks! > > L > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 15, 2008 Report Share Posted January 15, 2008 I can relate to this. NADA was always unhappy with someone in the family. her and her sister (my aunt) had a falling out a couple years ago and didn't talk for a year. Even after they " made up " mom was always saying bad stuff about her. Of course, I was on moms side.....because if you weren't with her, you were against her. I was trained to feel the way she felt about stuff. So, therefore, I resented my aunt as well. Well, the loyalty i showed to my mother was thrown in my face later. I went NC 2 months ago today after a big blow out with NADA. Of course, NADA used this opportunity to rally the troops against me, calling the rest of the family, etc. One day I got an email from NADA saying " Seeing as you feel the way you do about me, your aunt would like her trumpets back " (my aunt gave me these instruments because she no longer used them, they were tarnishig in her garage, and i play in a jazz band, so she gave them to me a couple years ago). I told mom i would send them back, but i wanted to talk to my aunt first. Mom just kept saying " she wants nothing to do with you, and does not want to talk to you. blah blah blah. a week later i recieved a letter in the mail from my aunt....it was so cold and i couldn't believe it. i cried when i read it. now, i know my aunt didn't want them back just because i upset my mother. i am 100% sure my mom told her things like " sara doesn't even like you, she has no respect for you, she talks about you, yada yada yada " . And that is why my aunt wanted those horns back. I sent them back with a note thanking my aunt for letting me use them all this time, expressing gratitude. but now im just pissed about the way she handled that. and then my uncle calls me and says that it shouldn't matter what my mom says or does to me, that i need to let her act anyway she wants because she is the mom and that is the way it's supposed to be. My whole family is against me. It hurts me sooo much. Beyond words. But, I have a new family with , and much to look forward to in life. sometimes i just have to stop and think that the past sucked and i need to let it go so i can look forward to the future. this is so hard to do. > > > > I have been reading through the posts and identifying with so many > > things people bring up. It's actually kind of painful because so > > many memories are pushing their way to the forefront. But, I know > > I'm not alone in what I've gone through and that is definitely > > helpful. I have been reading UBM and am amazed at how well it > > describes my mother and myself as a child of. It is very comforting > > to understand finally why I always felt like I had no idea who I was > > or if I was even a real person. > > > > My question is how do you separate from her? My mother is mostly a > > Waif with some Queen mixed in. She is at a point where she does > > nothing for herself. She is just letting herself go mentally and > > physically. I do want to move on with my life that I've worked so > > hard to create (I lost everything once before having chosen drugs as > > a way to cope with her craziness). But how do you pull away enough > > to have healthy distance and at the same time not feel guilty about > > her wasting away. I hope I don't sound wishy washy, I do want to > > stand alone and not be responsible for her in any way, but I can't > > figure out how to do it emotionally. She has me trained so well to > > clean up her messes, literally and figuratively, that I am having > > diffuculty knowing how to do it. ' > > > > I know I need to learn how to set clear, firm boundaries, I'm just > > wondering if others have been in the same situation and how they > > have handled it. > > > > Thanks! > > > > L > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 15, 2008 Report Share Posted January 15, 2008 Oh boy I can relate here with the part of having to give back the horns. Years ago my grandma, nadas mother out of the blue showed up on my doorstep in CAL didnt know she was coming and hadnt seen or heard from her in years at age 16. she was mentally disturbed too but never treated me badly and at the time I really liked her I think cause I didnt know her. Well she gave me a ring of hers for my 16th bday I cherished it. As she had not given me anything before then so ment alot to me. She had rented an apt in town I guess she planned on staying awhile. Well I saw her a couple times then didnt see her for a week, went to go visit and found out she had left, same as she came no goodbye nothing, I was the only one she knew there so it made no sense and I never talked to her againin my life she died a few years later. Well my nada calls me weeks later and says my grandma wants the ring back she made a mistake and felt bad as she couldnt give my cousin who was year younger then me something too,, huh? like even would know about it, didnt even talk to her! They were in Minn at the time. So my nada went so far as to send money and envelope to send it back I didnt want to but finally did. well a couple years later I go to my cousins wedding and my mom has a ring on I thought was nice, she tells me it was the ring I had been given she had gotten it reset! Then she tells me when she dies I can have it. Well we get to talking about the ring a couple years ago and she didnt have it anymore she sold it in an estate sale! omg I was livid,, she had accused me years back of olny wanting it for the monetary worth..The thought never even crossed my mind! I was so mad to think she thought I was that superficial,, but goes to show she didnt know me at all! I cant tell you how hurt I was and still am to this day. She has manipulated me sending that back so she could have it she did say once she had been promised the ring long before I got it! I wish I had waited to have my grandma tell me herself not listen to my nada. Bottom line if someone wants something back they need to ask themselves is how I feel now. I never even asked for that ring or anything from my grandmother she gave it to me because she wanted to. That was my nada jealous and always wanting to take things away from me that other people gave me > > I can relate to this. NADA was always unhappy with someone in the > family. her and her sister (my aunt) had a falling out a couple > years ago and didn't talk for a year. Even after they " made up " mom > was always saying bad stuff about her. Of course, I was on moms > side.....because if you weren't with her, you were against her. I > was trained to feel the way she felt about stuff. So, therefore, I > resented my aunt as well. > > Well, the loyalty i showed to my mother was thrown in my face later. > > I went NC 2 months ago today after a big blow out with NADA. Of > course, NADA used this opportunity to rally the troops against me, > calling the rest of the family, etc. One day I got an email from > NADA saying " Seeing as you feel the way you do about me, your aunt > would like her trumpets back " (my aunt gave me these instruments > because she no longer used them, they were tarnishig in her garage, > and i play in a jazz band, so she gave them to me a couple years > ago). > I told mom i would send them back, but i wanted to talk to my aunt > first. Mom just kept saying " she wants nothing to do with you, and > does not want to talk to you. blah blah blah. a week later i > recieved a letter in the mail from my aunt....it was so cold and i > couldn't believe it. i cried when i read it. > > now, i know my aunt didn't want them back just because i upset my > mother. i am 100% sure my mom told her things like " sara doesn't > even like you, she has no respect for you, she talks about you, yada > yada yada " . And that is why my aunt wanted those horns back. > > I sent them back with a note thanking my aunt for letting me use > them all this time, expressing gratitude. but now im just pissed > about the way she handled that. and then my uncle calls me and says > that it shouldn't matter what my mom says or does to me, that i need > to let her act anyway she wants because she is the mom and that is > the way it's supposed to be. > > My whole family is against me. It hurts me sooo much. Beyond words. > But, I have a new family with , and much to look forward to in > life. sometimes i just have to stop and think that the past sucked > and i need to let it go so i can look forward to the future. this is > so hard to do. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 15, 2008 Report Share Posted January 15, 2008 , Isn't it strange the emphasis our NADA's put on material things? The situation with the ring does feel similar to my situation. Funny thing with my trumpets though, i know my aunt either sold them, or they are rotting away in her garage like before. it just killed me. But there is a happy ending to my story... After I sent the trumpets back to my aunt, i borrowed one from my band director with the intention of buying it from him after i get my tax returns. Well, my sister, being as sneaky as she is, got together with my band director and bought the trumpet from him. Since I already had it, all she did was wait until I wasn't home one day, took it out of the case, put it in a bigger box, and wrapped it up for me. She even got me a nice leather case for it. I've never been so grateful. My mom had the temporary satisfaction that she took something away from me that i loved. I think she thought i would never play music again. It will take more than her hate and vengefulness to stop me from doing what i have loved to do more than anything since i was 7. that was the first time I called my mother a b@#$%^! > > > > I can relate to this. NADA was always unhappy with someone in the > > family. her and her sister (my aunt) had a falling out a couple > > years ago and didn't talk for a year. Even after they " made up " mom > > was always saying bad stuff about her. Of course, I was on moms > > side.....because if you weren't with her, you were against her. I > > was trained to feel the way she felt about stuff. So, therefore, I > > resented my aunt as well. > > > > Well, the loyalty i showed to my mother was thrown in my face later. > > > > I went NC 2 months ago today after a big blow out with NADA. Of > > course, NADA used this opportunity to rally the troops against me, > > calling the rest of the family, etc. One day I got an email from > > NADA saying " Seeing as you feel the way you do about me, your aunt > > would like her trumpets back " (my aunt gave me these instruments > > because she no longer used them, they were tarnishig in her garage, > > and i play in a jazz band, so she gave them to me a couple years > > ago). > > I told mom i would send them back, but i wanted to talk to my aunt > > first. Mom just kept saying " she wants nothing to do with you, and > > does not want to talk to you. blah blah blah. a week later i > > recieved a letter in the mail from my aunt....it was so cold and i > > couldn't believe it. i cried when i read it. > > > > now, i know my aunt didn't want them back just because i upset my > > mother. i am 100% sure my mom told her things like " sara doesn't > > even like you, she has no respect for you, she talks about you, yada > > yada yada " . And that is why my aunt wanted those horns back. > > > > I sent them back with a note thanking my aunt for letting me use > > them all this time, expressing gratitude. but now im just pissed > > about the way she handled that. and then my uncle calls me and says > > that it shouldn't matter what my mom says or does to me, that i need > > to let her act anyway she wants because she is the mom and that is > > the way it's supposed to be. > > > > My whole family is against me. It hurts me sooo much. Beyond words. > > But, I have a new family with , and much to look forward to in > > life. sometimes i just have to stop and think that the past sucked > > and i need to let it go so i can look forward to the future. this is > > so hard to do. > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 15, 2008 Report Share Posted January 15, 2008 My fathers dad, my grandpa, died before my parents were divorced. Grandpa had a black hills gold ring that I asked for, as we were really, really close. Anyways nada scolded me for asking, said it was my fathers now, blah, blah, blah. Well dad doesn't wear any jewerly at all, he didn't want to get into the middle of it, so I just dropped it. 2 or 3 years later I am in a restaurant across from nada and I see that she is wearing my grandfathers freakin ring. She had it downsized and everything. I FREAKED OUT....told her what she had said to me years earlier, and told her that if dad didn't want it then I should be able to have it, and who was she anyways, the ex wife who screwed her husband in the nastiest divorce ever. She knew I was right, I knew I was right, I got up and left the restaurant. She caught me at my car and threw the ring at me. I picked it up and put it on my finger and it has been there ever since, going on 20 years now. I should have left that restaurant and never looked back.....drlingirl > > > > I can relate to this. NADA was always unhappy with someone in the > > family. her and her sister (my aunt) had a falling out a couple > > years ago and didn't talk for a year. Even after they " made up " mom > > was always saying bad stuff about her. Of course, I was on moms > > side.....because if you weren't with her, you were against her. I > > was trained to feel the way she felt about stuff. So, therefore, I > > resented my aunt as well. > > > > Well, the loyalty i showed to my mother was thrown in my face later. > > > > I went NC 2 months ago today after a big blow out with NADA. Of > > course, NADA used this opportunity to rally the troops against me, > > calling the rest of the family, etc. One day I got an email from > > NADA saying " Seeing as you feel the way you do about me, your aunt > > would like her trumpets back " (my aunt gave me these instruments > > because she no longer used them, they were tarnishig in her garage, > > and i play in a jazz band, so she gave them to me a couple years > > ago). > > I told mom i would send them back, but i wanted to talk to my aunt > > first. Mom just kept saying " she wants nothing to do with you, and > > does not want to talk to you. blah blah blah. a week later i > > recieved a letter in the mail from my aunt....it was so cold and i > > couldn't believe it. i cried when i read it. > > > > now, i know my aunt didn't want them back just because i upset my > > mother. i am 100% sure my mom told her things like " sara doesn't > > even like you, she has no respect for you, she talks about you, yada > > yada yada " . And that is why my aunt wanted those horns back. > > > > I sent them back with a note thanking my aunt for letting me use > > them all this time, expressing gratitude. but now im just pissed > > about the way she handled that. and then my uncle calls me and says > > that it shouldn't matter what my mom says or does to me, that i need > > to let her act anyway she wants because she is the mom and that is > > the way it's supposed to be. > > > > My whole family is against me. It hurts me sooo much. Beyond words. > > But, I have a new family with , and much to look forward to in > > life. sometimes i just have to stop and think that the past sucked > > and i need to let it go so i can look forward to the future. this is > > so hard to do. > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 15, 2008 Report Share Posted January 15, 2008 My nada also has a bedroom set that was my father's parents. Why does she have these things, divorce was 22 years ago??? Dad won't ask for them either. Urk's the sh*t out of me....... How does she sleep at night??? Oh yeah, alcohol!!! drlingirl > > > > > > I can relate to this. NADA was always unhappy with someone in > the > > > family. her and her sister (my aunt) had a falling out a couple > > > years ago and didn't talk for a year. Even after they " made up " > mom > > > was always saying bad stuff about her. Of course, I was on moms > > > side.....because if you weren't with her, you were against her. > I > > > was trained to feel the way she felt about stuff. So, therefore, > I > > > resented my aunt as well. > > > > > > Well, the loyalty i showed to my mother was thrown in my face > later. > > > > > > I went NC 2 months ago today after a big blow out with NADA. Of > > > course, NADA used this opportunity to rally the troops against > me, > > > calling the rest of the family, etc. One day I got an email from > > > NADA saying " Seeing as you feel the way you do about me, your > aunt > > > would like her trumpets back " (my aunt gave me these instruments > > > because she no longer used them, they were tarnishig in her > garage, > > > and i play in a jazz band, so she gave them to me a couple > years > > > ago). > > > I told mom i would send them back, but i wanted to talk to my > aunt > > > first. Mom just kept saying " she wants nothing to do with you, > and > > > does not want to talk to you. blah blah blah. a week later i > > > recieved a letter in the mail from my aunt....it was so cold and > i > > > couldn't believe it. i cried when i read it. > > > > > > now, i know my aunt didn't want them back just because i upset > my > > > mother. i am 100% sure my mom told her things like " sara doesn't > > > even like you, she has no respect for you, she talks about you, > yada > > > yada yada " . And that is why my aunt wanted those horns back. > > > > > > I sent them back with a note thanking my aunt for letting me use > > > them all this time, expressing gratitude. but now im just pissed > > > about the way she handled that. and then my uncle calls me and > says > > > that it shouldn't matter what my mom says or does to me, that i > need > > > to let her act anyway she wants because she is the mom and that > is > > > the way it's supposed to be. > > > > > > My whole family is against me. It hurts me sooo much. Beyond > words. > > > But, I have a new family with , and much to look forward > to in > > > life. sometimes i just have to stop and think that the past > sucked > > > and i need to let it go so i can look forward to the future. > this is > > > so hard to do. > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 15, 2008 Report Share Posted January 15, 2008 OMG I didnt get so lucky as to have it thrown back But I freaked out to myself Wow wonder how many other people with bpd parents had a similar thing happen. I felt so hurt I have never gotten over the feelings of betrayal Not only did my mom take that ring but on the other side of the family. I was my grandmas favorite only had 3 grandchildren and I was only girl. She had two kids my aunt and my fada. Well I lived with my aunt for a couple years after my mom kicked me out at age 14. Well before she died a few years ago I asked my aunt if I could have grandmas ring if anything happened to her. She flat out told me no. it was going to her unborn grandaughter.. who hadnt even been conceived at that time! I was livid my grandma would have wanted me to have it. I know without a doubt even before her daughter. Well she ended up with a granddaughter but how stupid that ring will never have meaning to her she will never know my grandma. I told my aunt it could go to her grandaughter if there was one after I died since I had no kids but she wouldnt budge. I was so pissed. my family is so screwed up. for some reason I am not to have a ring:( > > > > > > I can relate to this. NADA was always unhappy with someone in > the > > > family. her and her sister (my aunt) had a falling out a couple > > > years ago and didn't talk for a year. Even after they " made up " > mom > > > was always saying bad stuff about her. Of course, I was on moms > > > side.....because if you weren't with her, you were against her. > I > > > was trained to feel the way she felt about stuff. So, therefore, > I > > > resented my aunt as well. > > > > > > Well, the loyalty i showed to my mother was thrown in my face > later. > > > > > > I went NC 2 months ago today after a big blow out with NADA. Of > > > course, NADA used this opportunity to rally the troops against > me, > > > calling the rest of the family, etc. One day I got an email from > > > NADA saying " Seeing as you feel the way you do about me, your > aunt > > > would like her trumpets back " (my aunt gave me these instruments > > > because she no longer used them, they were tarnishig in her > garage, > > > and i play in a jazz band, so she gave them to me a couple > years > > > ago). > > > I told mom i would send them back, but i wanted to talk to my > aunt > > > first. Mom just kept saying " she wants nothing to do with you, > and > > > does not want to talk to you. blah blah blah. a week later i > > > recieved a letter in the mail from my aunt....it was so cold and > i > > > couldn't believe it. i cried when i read it. > > > > > > now, i know my aunt didn't want them back just because i upset > my > > > mother. i am 100% sure my mom told her things like " sara doesn't > > > even like you, she has no respect for you, she talks about you, > yada > > > yada yada " . And that is why my aunt wanted those horns back. > > > > > > I sent them back with a note thanking my aunt for letting me use > > > them all this time, expressing gratitude. but now im just pissed > > > about the way she handled that. and then my uncle calls me and > says > > > that it shouldn't matter what my mom says or does to me, that i > need > > > to let her act anyway she wants because she is the mom and that > is > > > the way it's supposed to be. > > > > > > My whole family is against me. It hurts me sooo much. Beyond > words. > > > But, I have a new family with , and much to look forward > to in > > > life. sometimes i just have to stop and think that the past > sucked > > > and i need to let it go so i can look forward to the future. > this is > > > so hard to do. > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 15, 2008 Report Share Posted January 15, 2008 , That is so sad!!! You should go out and find you a ring that reminds you of your grandmas, and buy it for yourself!!! Make it a huge one that your stinkin aunt would die for. Then when she asks about it, tell her " well I thought about it, and because I was so sad that I wouldn't have grandmas ring, I bought this one " . Then say, " I'm sure grandma is looking down right now, and is so happy for me " ....... " I also will be able look down on my hand, and be reminded of her everyday " . She will wonder if you fell off your rocker......but who cares!!! drlingirl > > > > > > > > I can relate to this. NADA was always unhappy with someone in > > the > > > > family. her and her sister (my aunt) had a falling out a couple > > > > years ago and didn't talk for a year. Even after they " made up " > > mom > > > > was always saying bad stuff about her. Of course, I was on moms > > > > side.....because if you weren't with her, you were against her. > > I > > > > was trained to feel the way she felt about stuff. So, therefore, > > I > > > > resented my aunt as well. > > > > > > > > Well, the loyalty i showed to my mother was thrown in my face > > later. > > > > > > > > I went NC 2 months ago today after a big blow out with NADA. Of > > > > course, NADA used this opportunity to rally the troops against > > me, > > > > calling the rest of the family, etc. One day I got an email from > > > > NADA saying " Seeing as you feel the way you do about me, your > > aunt > > > > would like her trumpets back " (my aunt gave me these instruments > > > > because she no longer used them, they were tarnishig in her > > garage, > > > > and i play in a jazz band, so she gave them to me a couple > > years > > > > ago). > > > > I told mom i would send them back, but i wanted to talk to my > > aunt > > > > first. Mom just kept saying " she wants nothing to do with you, > > and > > > > does not want to talk to you. blah blah blah. a week later i > > > > recieved a letter in the mail from my aunt....it was so cold and > > i > > > > couldn't believe it. i cried when i read it. > > > > > > > > now, i know my aunt didn't want them back just because i upset > > my > > > > mother. i am 100% sure my mom told her things like " sara doesn't > > > > even like you, she has no respect for you, she talks about you, > > yada > > > > yada yada " . And that is why my aunt wanted those horns back. > > > > > > > > I sent them back with a note thanking my aunt for letting me use > > > > them all this time, expressing gratitude. but now im just pissed > > > > about the way she handled that. and then my uncle calls me and > > says > > > > that it shouldn't matter what my mom says or does to me, that i > > need > > > > to let her act anyway she wants because she is the mom and that > > is > > > > the way it's supposed to be. > > > > > > > > My whole family is against me. It hurts me sooo much. Beyond > > words. > > > > But, I have a new family with , and much to look forward > > to in > > > > life. sometimes i just have to stop and think that the past > > sucked > > > > and i need to let it go so i can look forward to the future. > > this is > > > > so hard to do. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 15, 2008 Report Share Posted January 15, 2008 I told a story on the board about being a little girl, and my sister and I used to point at our mothers rings on her hand, and say, " I get that one, well then, I get that one " . She looked down on us both and told us, " you girls will not get any of them, because I will be burried in these " . What a nasty thing to say to your little daughters!!! drlingirl > > > > > > > > I can relate to this. NADA was always unhappy with someone in > > the > > > > family. her and her sister (my aunt) had a falling out a couple > > > > years ago and didn't talk for a year. Even after they " made up " > > mom > > > > was always saying bad stuff about her. Of course, I was on moms > > > > side.....because if you weren't with her, you were against her. > > I > > > > was trained to feel the way she felt about stuff. So, therefore, > > I > > > > resented my aunt as well. > > > > > > > > Well, the loyalty i showed to my mother was thrown in my face > > later. > > > > > > > > I went NC 2 months ago today after a big blow out with NADA. Of > > > > course, NADA used this opportunity to rally the troops against > > me, > > > > calling the rest of the family, etc. One day I got an email from > > > > NADA saying " Seeing as you feel the way you do about me, your > > aunt > > > > would like her trumpets back " (my aunt gave me these instruments > > > > because she no longer used them, they were tarnishig in her > > garage, > > > > and i play in a jazz band, so she gave them to me a couple > > years > > > > ago). > > > > I told mom i would send them back, but i wanted to talk to my > > aunt > > > > first. Mom just kept saying " she wants nothing to do with you, > > and > > > > does not want to talk to you. blah blah blah. a week later i > > > > recieved a letter in the mail from my aunt....it was so cold and > > i > > > > couldn't believe it. i cried when i read it. > > > > > > > > now, i know my aunt didn't want them back just because i upset > > my > > > > mother. i am 100% sure my mom told her things like " sara doesn't > > > > even like you, she has no respect for you, she talks about you, > > yada > > > > yada yada " . And that is why my aunt wanted those horns back. > > > > > > > > I sent them back with a note thanking my aunt for letting me use > > > > them all this time, expressing gratitude. but now im just pissed > > > > about the way she handled that. and then my uncle calls me and > > says > > > > that it shouldn't matter what my mom says or does to me, that i > > need > > > > to let her act anyway she wants because she is the mom and that > > is > > > > the way it's supposed to be. > > > > > > > > My whole family is against me. It hurts me sooo much. Beyond > > words. > > > > But, I have a new family with , and much to look forward > > to in > > > > life. sometimes i just have to stop and think that the past > > sucked > > > > and i need to let it go so i can look forward to the future. > > this is > > > > so hard to do. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 Omg how rude is that one thing I have noticed seems they are not giving people. DOnt want anyone to have anything but them.. selfish selfish selfish ::sigh:: > > > > > > > > > > I can relate to this. NADA was always unhappy with someone > in > > > the > > > > > family. her and her sister (my aunt) had a falling out a > couple > > > > > years ago and didn't talk for a year. Even after they " made > up " > > > mom > > > > > was always saying bad stuff about her. Of course, I was on > moms > > > > > side.....because if you weren't with her, you were against > her. > > > I > > > > > was trained to feel the way she felt about stuff. So, > therefore, > > > I > > > > > resented my aunt as well. > > > > > > > > > > Well, the loyalty i showed to my mother was thrown in my > face > > > later. > > > > > > > > > > I went NC 2 months ago today after a big blow out with NADA. > Of > > > > > course, NADA used this opportunity to rally the troops > against > > > me, > > > > > calling the rest of the family, etc. One day I got an email > from > > > > > NADA saying " Seeing as you feel the way you do about me, > your > > > aunt > > > > > would like her trumpets back " (my aunt gave me these > instruments > > > > > because she no longer used them, they were tarnishig in her > > > garage, > > > > > and i play in a jazz band, so she gave them to me a couple > > > years > > > > > ago). > > > > > I told mom i would send them back, but i wanted to talk to > my > > > aunt > > > > > first. Mom just kept saying " she wants nothing to do with > you, > > > and > > > > > does not want to talk to you. blah blah blah. a week later i > > > > > recieved a letter in the mail from my aunt....it was so cold > and > > > i > > > > > couldn't believe it. i cried when i read it. > > > > > > > > > > now, i know my aunt didn't want them back just because i > upset > > > my > > > > > mother. i am 100% sure my mom told her things like " sara > doesn't > > > > > even like you, she has no respect for you, she talks about > you, > > > yada > > > > > yada yada " . And that is why my aunt wanted those horns back. > > > > > > > > > > I sent them back with a note thanking my aunt for letting me > use > > > > > them all this time, expressing gratitude. but now im just > pissed > > > > > about the way she handled that. and then my uncle calls me > and > > > says > > > > > that it shouldn't matter what my mom says or does to me, > that i > > > need > > > > > to let her act anyway she wants because she is the mom and > that > > > is > > > > > the way it's supposed to be. > > > > > > > > > > My whole family is against me. It hurts me sooo much. Beyond > > > words. > > > > > But, I have a new family with , and much to look > forward > > > to in > > > > > life. sometimes i just have to stop and think that the past > > > sucked > > > > > and i need to let it go so i can look forward to the future. > > > this is > > > > > so hard to do. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 Yes, I have noticed in both my grandmother and nada that they have selfish personalities -- my mom wants everything for free, doesn't give to charity (she's fond of saying " the government needs to handle that problem. " The magical government -- not her.) I remember noticing when she'd have weekend guests (not very often!), she didn't bother to plan menus or have food out for them. I think her mentality was " Well, they're guests here, they can take ME out to dinner! " -- the problem is, there are more meals than dinner! No snacks for the kids -- just a quiet kitchen with a half- empty fridge. Some hospitality. My grandmother refused to let my mother call home (long distance) on her phone, even while my mother was being a free, round the clock nurse to grandmother. Wouldn't lower the thermostat below 80, either, even when my mother asked her to. Wouldn't give my mother a winter coat, even though she had 8 of them in her closet. My mother likes to make you take care of her, too -- she'll show up for a weekend with no shampoo, etc. It's like she's forcing intimacy and caring by doing that. Shows up with no provisions for herself, and looks to you to take care of her. I think that's selfish, too. Shows no hospitality, but darn sure expects it from others. Doesn't want to pay " high " prices, and conveniently forgets that the people who bring her those goods and services have to live, too. -Kyla Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 Kyla, that sounds like my NADA, " forcing hospitality " . It's like my NADA always puts herself in situations where others need to help her, when it could have been prevented. Almost like they do it on purpose to " keep us in line " . > > Yes, I have noticed in both my grandmother and nada that they have > selfish personalities -- my mom wants everything for free, doesn't > give to charity (she's fond of saying " the government needs to > handle that problem. " The magical government -- not her.) > > I remember noticing when she'd have weekend guests (not very > often!), she didn't bother to plan menus or have food out for them. > I think her mentality was " Well, they're guests here, they can take > ME out to dinner! " -- the problem is, there are more meals than > dinner! No snacks for the kids -- just a quiet kitchen with a half- > empty fridge. Some hospitality. > > My grandmother refused to let my mother call home (long distance) on > her phone, even while my mother was being a free, round the clock > nurse to grandmother. Wouldn't lower the thermostat below 80, > either, even when my mother asked her to. Wouldn't give my mother a > winter coat, even though she had 8 of them in her closet. > > My mother likes to make you take care of her, too -- she'll show up > for a weekend with no shampoo, etc. It's like she's forcing > intimacy and caring by doing that. Shows up with no provisions for > herself, and looks to you to take care of her. I think that's > selfish, too. > > Shows no hospitality, but darn sure expects it from others. Doesn't > want to pay " high " prices, and conveniently forgets that the people > who bring her those goods and services have to live, too. > > -Kyla > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 My father is a huge tipper, nada is not. When they were married my nada would have us walk dad out while she went back to the table to exchanged his huge tip for her measly few dollars. Oh and when we go to see her she either has us go get pizza or she puts a pot of her " famous " beans on. Always making me feel like we were an army rather than her family. Come on people how much is a bag of beans??? Like a buck 50??? She always had some opened stale bag of chips........yummmmmmmO!!! If you were brave, you could always eat her leftovers, that have been left over, and over, and over, and over...... I have heard that she puts on a pretty good spread, but that is saved for her drunkin Foo's. drlingirl > > Yes, I have noticed in both my grandmother and nada that they have > selfish personalities -- my mom wants everything for free, doesn't > give to charity (she's fond of saying " the government needs to > handle that problem. " The magical government -- not her.) > > I remember noticing when she'd have weekend guests (not very > often!), she didn't bother to plan menus or have food out for them. > I think her mentality was " Well, they're guests here, they can take > ME out to dinner! " -- the problem is, there are more meals than > dinner! No snacks for the kids -- just a quiet kitchen with a half- > empty fridge. Some hospitality. > > My grandmother refused to let my mother call home (long distance) on > her phone, even while my mother was being a free, round the clock > nurse to grandmother. Wouldn't lower the thermostat below 80, > either, even when my mother asked her to. Wouldn't give my mother a > winter coat, even though she had 8 of them in her closet. > > My mother likes to make you take care of her, too -- she'll show up > for a weekend with no shampoo, etc. It's like she's forcing > intimacy and caring by doing that. Shows up with no provisions for > herself, and looks to you to take care of her. I think that's > selfish, too. > > Shows no hospitality, but darn sure expects it from others. Doesn't > want to pay " high " prices, and conveniently forgets that the people > who bring her those goods and services have to live, too. > > -Kyla > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 Wow, I love how all these nada's accused their daughters of only wanting whatever piece of jewelry for the monetary value or what ever and THEY are the ones that end up taking it for themselves and even selling it in one case. PROJECTION much? Now that my darling stepfather has died, nada is faced with getting rid of all of his stuff. Some she plans to keep, but is giving some to his kids and grandkids. My brother wanted her to give two of his leather jackets to his two older grandkids. She says, " No, they will just sell them for the money " then in the next breath says she is gonna sell them at a resale consignment shop. WTF? Oh and when she is talking to me she tells me how she has made a provision for her stepdaughter to receive some money when she, nada, dies. This is because her stepson got a bunch of tools which were worth quite a bit. BUT and I quote " I can always change my mind, because that is my right to change my mind, if she does me dirty or quits coming around and being nice to me. " OMG. I know my dad is glad he gave me one of his mom's rings before he and nada divorced. Nada really wanted that ring, but dad snuck it to the airport when I was heading home and pressed into my hand just before I got on the plane. HA Carla ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____ Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now. http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 Thanks for the advice . As a matter of fact after I read what you wrote I thought of a time when I was pregnant with my youngest daughter that I set some limits on my mother. She and her shifty boyfriend at the time had creatively figured out how to charge something on my husbands charge account at a tire store and after promising to pay it the next day left for Maine for the summer, without paying needless to say. The whole time she was gone she never called once despite my high risk pregnancy and having recently miscarried several times. When they got home she called and said, " Well, I paid that bill yesterday...so how are you? " as if nothing had happened and she hadn't acted like I don't exist all summer! I told her at that point to stop calling me and not to come over because I couldn't deal with her antics while I was pregnant and hormonal. She FREAKED out, or carried on like a pork chop (hee!), and called the house over and over leaving crazy messages. " I'm coming over there if you don't answer the phone...what are you gonna do then? Call the police on me? " I picked up the phone then and said yes I would and to stop bothering me. I had a peaceful pregnancy after that and didn't have any contact with her until I had the baby. So I see that you are right and that I actually can and have set limits. Whew, it can be overwhelming though and very tiring. I'm glad that there is a group of people out there who understand these situations. > > arn how to set clear, firm boundaries, I'm just > > wondering if others have been in the same situation and how they > > have handled it. > > > > Thanks! > > Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 Carla I think it is weird too about the monetary thing.. geez they cant give someone anything without thinking what they might do with it. Bottom line is they want the money and so therefore by accusing us of wanting it only for the money it makes it ok in thier minds to not give it and sell it themselves. And so what would it hurt if any of them gave us something of monetary value? geez there are normal peeps whose parents give them money without strings attached. > > Wow, I love how all these nada's accused their > daughters of only wanting whatever piece of jewelry > for the monetary value or what ever and THEY are the > ones that end up taking it for themselves and even > selling it in one case. PROJECTION much? > > Now that my darling stepfather has died, nada is faced > with getting rid of all of his stuff. Some she plans > to keep, but is giving some to his kids and grandkids. > My brother wanted her to give two of his leather > jackets to his two older grandkids. She says, " No, > they will just sell them for the money " then in the > next breath says she is gonna sell them at a resale > consignment shop. WTF? Oh and when she is talking to > me she tells me how she has made a provision for her > stepdaughter to receive some money when she, nada, > dies. This is because her stepson got a bunch of tools > which were worth quite a bit. BUT and I quote " I can > always change my mind, because that is my right to > change my mind, if she does me dirty or quits coming > around and being nice to me. " OMG. > > I know my dad is glad he gave me one of his mom's > rings before he and nada divorced. Nada really wanted > that ring, but dad snuck it to the airport when I was > heading home and pressed into my hand just before I > got on the plane. HA > > Carla > > > ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____ > Be a better friend, newshound, and > know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now. http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 My advise to all of you, is if you really want something sentimental ask for it now. You can not win over the greed of a BPD, NDP, or any other crazy psychotic family member. I have such a horrible story that sometimes when I think about it, I can not believe it was true. Took years of therapy to let go this anger. But I did. My parents were divorced when my father died. His new wife of one year must have also been BPD, including her whole clan of sisters who helped her the moment he died. The day after his death my brother, sister and I arrived at my fathers house to help with the funeral arrangements. Step-Nada took everything that was his out of the house, and refused to let us see or have anything. Later I found out that she went directly to the bank after identifying his body at the hospital and emptied out the entire bank account. When it came time to plan the funeral, she told everyone she had no money and could not afford the funeral expenses. She actually said that she wanted to have him cremated in the card board box that was provided free by the funeral home and to spread his ashes on the front lawn! Needless to say, his children gave him a proper burial, and still allowed step-Nada to attend. Ironic thing happened in the cemetery, as my husband and I were walking to our car the funeral director stopped to warn us to watch our backs for Step-Nada. She had apparently tried to accuse the funeral home of wrong doing and was going to sue them for damages. Funny things is the funeral home staff were actually the most supportive people for us (the children). To make matters worse Nada also attended the funeral and dinner at the church. She pranced around the church making it very clear to everyone that she was the first wife, looking for all of the attention and support. It was all about her, no care or concern for her children who just lost their father. She commented on how " these were her people " . She was pathetic! To top off the day of the funeral, step-Nada's evil sister actually called me at my Aunt's house demanding the return of the peace lily. The plant was sent by my friends from back home, and I never gave it back. My Grandmother gave us a few pictures of Dad and letters he wrote her from his military time in the 60's. He too had a gold ring with his initials engraved, which was all that my brother wanted. Step-Nada of course denied ever seeing it. Since the funeral we have not seen or heard from step-Nada again. Except for her attorney of course. When my parents divorced, all my father received from 25 years of marriage was his run down Honda Civic filled with his suitcases and $20,000 retirement fund check. He invested the money in the stock market and within a few years it was worth $75,000. Weeks after the funeral, we found out that dad left all of the money to his children. Nada was FURIOUS! She called each of us laying on the guilt trip about how she had spent all of those years working to make that money for HER retirement. Sad thing is I was actually going to give her the money, BUT after that phone call I changed my mind. Here it is 10 years later and every so often she calls me to ask about the money. And I tell her as I always have, it is still in the account were he put. She will never give up, and I will never give it to her. I keep it there as a safety net, just in case she has no money and needs a nursing home some day. If not, I will put it in my Will for my nieces and nephews. Deb Re: What do you do? Wow, I love how all these nada's accused their daughters of only wanting whatever piece of jewelry for the monetary value or what ever and THEY are the ones that end up taking it for themselves and even selling it in one case. PROJECTION much? Now that my darling stepfather has died, nada is faced with getting rid of all of his stuff. Some she plans to keep, but is giving some to his kids and grandkids. My brother wanted her to give two of his leather jackets to his two older grandkids. She says, " No, they will just sell them for the money " then in the next breath says she is gonna sell them at a resale consignment shop. WTF? Oh and when she is talking to me she tells me how she has made a provision for her stepdaughter to receive some money when she, nada, dies. This is because her stepson got a bunch of tools which were worth quite a bit. BUT and I quote " I can always change my mind, because that is my right to change my mind, if she does me dirty or quits coming around and being nice to me. " OMG. I know my dad is glad he gave me one of his mom's rings before he and nada divorced. Nada really wanted that ring, but dad snuck it to the airport when I was heading home and pressed into my hand just before I got on the plane. HA Carla ____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _ Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now. http://mobile. yahoo..com/ ;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR 8HDtDypao8Wcj9tA cJ ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____ Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now. http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 Yeah, my dad helped my husband and I out one year when we spent the entire year un- employed. That was before they took taxes out of the un-employment checks. We owed the IRS a huge amount. Dad cashed in a CD that he was saving for me anyway to help us. All he said was that if he kicked it that we would not have much of an inheritance and I have never heard about it again. Carla Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 This type of situation is similar to how I " created " a big huge explosion arguement with my nada in order to go NC. HB No. 3's mother was very good to me, although she despised my mother (no wonder why there), and had told me that she was marking her red and green glassware for me to have when she died. So that I would have something nice from her to remember her by. I thought that this was very gracious and was, of course, honored. When GMa died, my nada swooped in and walked all over her doormat of a husband even though it was his own mother that had just died. She called me (the same day GMa died) and told me that GMa had died, she was being cremated with no services and that there was no need to me or my family to go to Montana for anything. Nada and HB No. 3 were already there and cleaning out the house. She had to have been like a vulture circling dying prey because at the time, my mother lived four hours south of me in south western Nevada and she was already in Montana by the time she called to tell me. I decided that not going to Montana and staying home was not what I wanted to do. I knew that my nada would dispose of anything precious in a heart beat and wasn't too happy that a very religious GMa was being cremated with no services when I knew that she had told all of us that money was set aside for her funeral and burial. She hadn't asked to be cremated! When I got to Montana the following day, nada was livid that I came up. by that time, they had already cleared out or boxed most of GMa's stuff, including the glassware that GMa had said was to be for me. When I brought this to my Nada's attention, she blew like a roman candle. It was all hers as an inheritance...yada, yada, yada. How did I feel that I was ENTITLED to an inheritance...yada, yada, yada. She decided that she would give me something to remember my GMa and gave me two green champagne glasses out of the set. The red glassware she inteded to keep for herself. I hit the roof and let her have it. And, I have not seen her since. I went LC for a very short time in 2000 just to basically fill her in on 1) my divorce; 2) my move across country and 3) I was remarrying. She got angry that I refused to invite her to my wedding and said some very mean things to me, in true Nada fashion. She still tries to " hoover-by-proxy " (I love this new term), but I ignore every attempt. If she ever just shows up on my doorstep one day, unannounced, I think I'll take her into public, set her off and let her rage so that I can have her committed. Until that day comes, I can dream! I cannot think of a better revenge to someone so vile. Hope this gives someone some NC or LC inspiration. Sad, but true. Khris Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 Khris -- Vile is right -- she's downright mean. -Kyla Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 LOL! All she has to do is tag the word " famous " in front of beans, and suddenly, she made something special for you!!!! Pretty smart marketing, actually! I remember the few times we went to church when I was growing up, the collection plate would come around, and mom always put a dollar in it. A dollar! She gives NOTHING to charity -- neither her time, or her money. Then sits at home all day, every day, talking about how " the government " is just not doing enough for people! Since she's hardly worked a day in her life, I can see where communism or socialism would appeal to her. She'd rather live off the hard work of others. -Kyla Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 Their famous alright!!! In her own mind!!! My nada took a name from a tree at the mall at Christmas time, and bought what he/she wanted. We heard about it, the postman heard about it, the neighbors heard about. I really think she should have put an add in the paper SO EVERYONE COULD hear about IT. I do nice things for people everyday, you don't see me tooting my own horn, or bragging about it. People who do make me ill!!! drlingirl > > LOL! All she has to do is tag the word " famous " in front of beans, > and suddenly, she made something special for you!!!! Pretty smart > marketing, actually! > > I remember the few times we went to church when I was growing up, the > collection plate would come around, and mom always put a dollar in > it. A dollar! > > She gives NOTHING to charity -- neither her time, or her money. Then > sits at home all day, every day, talking about how " the government " is > just not doing enough for people! > > Since she's hardly worked a day in her life, I can see where communism > or socialism would appeal to her. She'd rather live off the hard work > of others. > > -Kyla > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 many of us have dealt with this same problem. You reteach yourself. You unlearn what she taught you, and self parent yourself so that you feel confident in being yourself and the kind of person you want to be. You have to want this badly enough to do the hard work of getting over the years of conditioning from your BPD parent. You have to truly believe that you are worth the effort. It is a magnificent journey, and when you realize that you have separated yourself from your BPD parent, and you are recognizing yourself as an individual, the feeling is fantastic. good luck to you, sylvia > > I have been reading through the posts and identifying with so many > things people bring up. It's actually kind of painful because so > many memories are pushing their way to the forefront. But, I know > I'm not alone in what I've gone through and that is definitely > helpful. I have been reading UBM and am amazed at how well it > describes my mother and myself as a child of. It is very comforting > to understand finally why I always felt like I had no idea who I was > or if I was even a real person. > > My question is how do you separate from her? My mother is mostly a > Waif with some Queen mixed in. She is at a point where she does > nothing for herself. She is just letting herself go mentally and > physically. I do want to move on with my life that I've worked so > hard to create (I lost everything once before having chosen drugs as > a way to cope with her craziness). But how do you pull away enough > to have healthy distance and at the same time not feel guilty about > her wasting away. I hope I don't sound wishy washy, I do want to > stand alone and not be responsible for her in any way, but I can't > figure out how to do it emotionally. She has me trained so well to > clean up her messes, literally and figuratively, that I am having > diffuculty knowing how to do it. ' > > I know I need to learn how to set clear, firm boundaries, I'm just > wondering if others have been in the same situation and how they > have handled it. > > Thanks! > > L > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 I hate to disappoint you... It's a very good dream, but don't count on it coming true. This is pretty much what happened to me. My BP mom got drunk in an airport before a flight. She got sick on the airplane before it took off, and they put her off the plane. After getting back to the terminal, we were told she needed to go to the hospital and get a doctors ok to fly. She went into a rage. She said she would rent a car. (From Florida to land? And drunk?) An ambulance was called, she wouldn't get in it. Anyway, through Herculean efforts, my husband, his father and I got her to a local hospital where they forcibly kept her for 24 hours. (Baker Act: danger to your self or others. She tried to hit me in front of witnesses) But they can't keep you for more than 24 hours if you sober up and/or calm down. Which of course she did. She knew her rights, she knew she didn't have to stay and she signed herself out. In retrospect, I wished I'd called the police. I'm about 80% certain that, in the lather she was in, she would have put up a fight. The cops would have put a stop to her nonsense and maybe shown her that her actions have real consequences. Actually that probably wouldn't have done any good either. Goes to show... you can't win. Don't play. Aside note: This is the incident that led me to go LC with my mom. It is definitely the shortened version, and not the whole story. I'll get into that another time. Another aside note: A few months after this, the hospital sent her a bill which she tried to stick me for. What a joke! Of course I didn't pay it. Eventually she wound up paying it. > > > If she ever just shows up on my doorstep one day, unannounced, I think > I'll take her into public, set her off and let her rage so that I can > have her committed. Until that day comes, I can dream! I cannot think > of a better revenge to someone so vile. > > Hope this gives someone some NC or LC inspiration. Sad, but true. > > Khris > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 Thank you Sylvia, I am beginning to see that this is what I have to do. I believe you are right, because on the days I let myself look at my life from the outside it looks pretty darn awesome and I know that I did the hard work to get there. I had to bring my mother to town today to my ten year old daughter's violin recital (I had tried to get out of it but my daughter really wanted her there) and so I was stuck in the car with her for about an hour tonigt. It was hard but I was amazed to find that thinking about all the people on this site who have the strength to deal with their BPDs really gave me my own inner strength. It's hard to describe but it really helped! I was only slightly crazed when I got home from dropping her off and believe me, that's an accomplishment lately!! I'm also happy to report that I have an appt. with my therapist next week. Funny, when she called all I had to say was, " I'm having trouble dealing with my mother " and she said " Ah, well, next Tuesday I have... " Help is on the way! > > > > I have been reading through the posts and identifying with so many > > things people bring up. It's actually kind of painful because so > > many memories are pushing their way to the forefront. But, I know > > I'm not alone in what I've gone through and that is definitely > > helpful. I have been reading UBM and am amazed at how well it > > describes my mother and myself as a child of. It is very > comforting > > to understand finally why I always felt like I had no idea who I > was > > or if I was even a real person. > > > > My question is how do you separate from her? My mother is mostly > a > > Waif with some Queen mixed in. She is at a point where she does > > nothing for herself. She is just letting herself go mentally and > > physically. I do want to move on with my life that I've worked so > > hard to create (I lost everything once before having chosen drugs > as > > a way to cope with her craziness). But how do you pull away > enough > > to have healthy distance and at the same time not feel guilty > about > > her wasting away. I hope I don't sound wishy washy, I do want to > > stand alone and not be responsible for her in any way, but I can't > > figure out how to do it emotionally. She has me trained so well > to > > clean up her messes, literally and figuratively, that I am having > > diffuculty knowing how to do it. ' > > > > I know I need to learn how to set clear, firm boundaries, I'm just > > wondering if others have been in the same situation and how they > > have handled it. > > > > Thanks! > > > > L > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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