advice for surrogate family to teen of mom (and also maybe dad) with BP

[Guest guest]

The 17 and 3/4 yr old friend of our son has been our surrogate son for the past

several

years. His mother has many of the signs of BP but I don't know if she's ever

been

diagnosed; his father says he's been diagnosed with BP but he doesn't show as

many signs

as his mother. Anyhow, this teen has been quite a part of our family for years,

frequently

spending the night, going on family trips, escaping here from his parents' rage,

etc.

This weekend his mother had a huge rage attack, directed at his older sister.

She threw

things at her, told her she'd let the dog out to get hit by a car/lost, told her

and her

husband that she hoped he gets killed in Iraq, etc. The teen tried to intervene

and keep

the sister from reacting (which she has several times in the past, getting

herself sent to

JDC for assault). He said he himself was very tempted to slap his mother.

Instead, he

grabbed the dog, packed a suitcase, and moved in with us for awhile.

His parents are now demanding that he return home, having " made his point. " His

mom

called him yesterday and threatened him that the longer he stayed away the

harder it

would be on him when he returns.

What sort of advice would you offer to us/him? One other time that he came to

us for a

sanctuary we let his mother into our house to speak with him. She proceeded to

threaten

him, slap him, pull his hair, etc. to get him to go home. We did get her to

leave our house

and, after speaking to our pastor, he returned home the following day. I don't

particularly

want another encounter like this.

Anyhow, should he return home? Try to protect himself (both sanity-wise and

also to

keep away the urge to retaliate physically and thereby get into trouble with the

law) and

stay away? Just wondering what those of you with personal experience with a BP

parent or

two might offer as suggestions.

[Guest guest]

If I were him -- I wouldn't set foot in that house for more abuse.

It sounds like the lamb walking into the slaughterhouse.

He's almost 18 -- perhaps he can use their desire to have him home

as leverage. If I were you, I'd offer to let him live with us until

he finishes high school and gets a job or goes to college. His

parents are emotionally and physically abusive. For everyone to

send him back sends him the message that because they're his

parents, he must be a human punching bag.

He was smart to leave that house. I can't see for the life of me

why he'd want to go back.

-Kyla

>

> The 17 and 3/4 yr old friend of our son has been our surrogate son

for the past several

> years. His mother has many of the signs of BP but I don't know if

she's ever been

> diagnosed; his father says he's been diagnosed with BP but he

doesn't show as many signs

> as his mother. Anyhow, this teen has been quite a part of our

family for years, frequently

> spending the night, going on family trips, escaping here from his

parents' rage, etc.

>

> This weekend his mother had a huge rage attack, directed at his

older sister. She threw

> things at her, told her she'd let the dog out to get hit by a

car/lost, told her and her

> husband that she hoped he gets killed in Iraq, etc. The teen

tried to intervene and keep

> the sister from reacting (which she has several times in the past,

getting herself sent to

> JDC for assault). He said he himself was very tempted to slap his

mother. Instead, he

> grabbed the dog, packed a suitcase, and moved in with us for

awhile.

>

> His parents are now demanding that he return home, having " made

his point. " His mom

> called him yesterday and threatened him that the longer he stayed

away the harder it

> would be on him when he returns.

>

> What sort of advice would you offer to us/him? One other time

that he came to us for a

> sanctuary we let his mother into our house to speak with him. She

proceeded to threaten

> him, slap him, pull his hair, etc. to get him to go home. We did

get her to leave our house

> and, after speaking to our pastor, he returned home the following

day. I don't particularly

> want another encounter like this.

>

> Anyhow, should he return home? Try to protect himself (both

sanity-wise and also to

> keep away the urge to retaliate physically and thereby get into

trouble with the law) and

> stay away? Just wondering what those of you with personal

experience with a BP parent or

> two might offer as suggestions.

>

[Guest guest]

I left one thought unfinished -- sorry --

When I said " he could use their desire to have him back as

leverage " , I meant that he could demand that they treat him with

respect or he's not coming back. Even their statement " you've made

your point " is demeaning to him. He left for a reason, and they

don't seem to be apologizing for THEIR role in driving him out --

just a snippy " you've made your point " ...

What point do they think he made, exactly? That they drove him

out? I'd seize on that to bring up exactly what she did and said,

and why he's not going to tolerate that any longer. Rages are

dealbreakers. Period. No human being should be forced to suffer

them. This young man needs to know that, or he'll put up with it

from bosses, girlfriends, strangers, etc. He is to be praised for

his courage in walking out. If he goes back without pre-conditions,

what message is that teaching him? That he's obligated to abusers?

You are to be commended for giving an abused young man a sanctuary.

He'll be forever grateful for it, whether he realizes it now or not.

My mom threw me out of the house in one of her rages when I was

about 18 or 19. My dad, her protector, merely called me at my

boyfriends' parents house (they gave me sanctuary) and said a

casual " You ready to come home? " .....No mention that I'd been

unfairly attacked and thrown out. Just a casual mention that the

coast was clear. I came home (didn't know how to stand up for

myself at the time) and my dad proceeded to berate me for calling my

mom " crazy " as I was being thrown out. Silly me, I didn't read the

manual on " What To Say When You're Being Thrown Out by a Rager " .

I went on to be dominated by boyfriends, dates and bosses. It took

me until my 40's to realize I don't have to put up with that and

that I can defend myself (politely!) from a position of strength and

self worth.

You have an opportunity here to teach a young man a valuable life

lesson: That HE deserves to be treated with the respect due to all

human beings. That HIS feelings matter -- not just his emotionally

unstable mother's. That he has the right to walk away from abuse.

I wouldn't send him back. Plenty of people have made their own way

in the world without the " help " of their parents. Anything they're

offering him to come back isn't worth his soul. Think of what's

best for HIM now -- and nurture that spark in him that led him to

have the courage to walk out without resorting to violence. That

spark needs to grow so that he can take it with him into the world.

Sending him back while ignoring his right to walk out of violence

and rage seems to me the worst thing for HIM.

Sometimes we're asked to step up and do the right and noble thing

for another human being. His arriving at your door points to YOU

being a person who can give another human being a valuable tool --

protecting his right to respect from others. If it were me, I'd

help teach him that by giving him a home until he is of legal age.

Mothering is not limited to our children -- we can be of help when

other children being abused.

-kyla

> >

> > The 17 and 3/4 yr old friend of our son has been our surrogate

son

> for the past several

> > years. His mother has many of the signs of BP but I don't know

if

> she's ever been

> > diagnosed; his father says he's been diagnosed with BP but he

> doesn't show as many signs

> > as his mother. Anyhow, this teen has been quite a part of our

> family for years, frequently

> > spending the night, going on family trips, escaping here from

his

> parents' rage, etc.

> >

> > This weekend his mother had a huge rage attack, directed at his

> older sister. She threw

> > things at her, told her she'd let the dog out to get hit by a

> car/lost, told her and her

> > husband that she hoped he gets killed in Iraq, etc. The teen

> tried to intervene and keep

> > the sister from reacting (which she has several times in the

past,

> getting herself sent to

> > JDC for assault). He said he himself was very tempted to slap

his

> mother. Instead, he

> > grabbed the dog, packed a suitcase, and moved in with us for

> awhile.

> >

> > His parents are now demanding that he return home, having " made

> his point. " His mom

> > called him yesterday and threatened him that the longer he

stayed

> away the harder it

> > would be on him when he returns.

> >

> > What sort of advice would you offer to us/him? One other time

> that he came to us for a

> > sanctuary we let his mother into our house to speak with him.

She

> proceeded to threaten

> > him, slap him, pull his hair, etc. to get him to go home. We

did

> get her to leave our house

> > and, after speaking to our pastor, he returned home the

following

> day. I don't particularly

> > want another encounter like this.

> >

> > Anyhow, should he return home? Try to protect himself (both

> sanity-wise and also to

> > keep away the urge to retaliate physically and thereby get into

> trouble with the law) and

> > stay away? Just wondering what those of you with personal

> experience with a BP parent or

> > two might offer as suggestions.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Call CPS.

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the suggestions so far.

I'd easily agree to have him stay with us as long as he'd like. However, should

I be the

slightest bit concerned about his parents calling the police to get him to go

back home? This

has been their threat in the past... they'll turn him in as an " unruly " child

for not obeying

their command to go home.

Also, is it possible to talk to CPS anonymously?

[Guest guest]

Your best ally at this point is information -- go find out what the

law is. Yes, you can call CPS confidentially. If nothing else,

just get information as to what this young man has the right to do.

From what you described, he's 3 months from his 18th birthday.

Maybe he should get legal aid and file for emancipation. You can

attest to the abuses that support the motion.

I'd get the official information first -- then you can rest easier.

-Kyla

>

> Thanks for the suggestions so far.

>

> I'd easily agree to have him stay with us as long as he'd like.

However, should I be the

> slightest bit concerned about his parents calling the police to

get him to go back home? This

> has been their threat in the past... they'll turn him in as

an " unruly " child for not obeying

> their command to go home.

>

> Also, is it possible to talk to CPS anonymously?

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for taking him in. I wish so much that an adult had noticed that

my family was not okay, was out of control and abusive. Be the change you

want to see in the world.

>

> Your best ally at this point is information -- go find out what the

> law is. Yes, you can call CPS confidentially. If nothing else,

> just get information as to what this young man has the right to do.

> From what you described, he's 3 months from his 18th birthday.

> Maybe he should get legal aid and file for emancipation. You can

> attest to the abuses that support the motion.

>

> I'd get the official information first -- then you can rest easier.

>

> -Kyla

>

>

> >

> > Thanks for the suggestions so far.

> >

> > I'd easily agree to have him stay with us as long as he'd like.

> However, should I be the

> > slightest bit concerned about his parents calling the police to

> get him to go back home? This

> > has been their threat in the past... they'll turn him in as

> an " unruly " child for not obeying

> > their command to go home.

> >

> > Also, is it possible to talk to CPS anonymously?

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Here's an internet link to emancipation of minor laws in each state:

http://topics.law.cornell.edu/wex/table_emancipation

>

> Thanks for the suggestions so far.

>

> I'd easily agree to have him stay with us as long as he'd like.

However, should I be the

> slightest bit concerned about his parents calling the police to

get him to go back home? This

> has been their threat in the past... they'll turn him in as

an " unruly " child for not obeying

> their command to go home.

>

> Also, is it possible to talk to CPS anonymously?

>