Re: Parents Continue to Speak bad about us!!! Solution??

[Guest guest]

Tony, this is such a difficult life lesson. I think there must be

some flea relation to it too. Having a parent who freaks out over

nothing and then is sometimes very calm when you expect a freak out,

who doesn't use logic all the time, I think these things all cause us

to learn to rationalize everything. Fight for our cases on

everything, even if only in our own heads. Since nada's logic is so

so wrong and bent to her emotions, we learn to fight cases through in

our own heads just to make sure that we are rational and sane.

That said, there are important people in your life with whom you are

close, who need to understand your parental relationship, like your

wife. Then there are people with whom you are not as close, who

really don't need to know all of your business. These family members

have their own agendas. The agenda to make your mother happy so she

will stop puking her heavy feelings onto them. This is perfectly

understandable and is how most people would react.

But really, this is none of their business. Your mother is crying to

them on purpose, with the hope that they will pressure you. You can

choose to not discuss this with your family members at all - let them

know it is not their concern.

Or, you can spend your whole life trying to convince everyone you know

of your side by telling your story over and over again. You can

frustrate yourself by opening your heart to everyone and telling them

all of the deep wounds your mother has inflicted on you and how it has

affected your life. Then most of your family members will probably

still say, " just suck it up and make up with her. she is your mother. "

Sucks, don't it?

We're all right there with you.

[Guest guest]

I agree with deanna. Your antimother is trying to manipulate/hoover you

by proxy. When it doesn't work and she should look sad, she'll be too

busy being furious.

> Your mother is crying to

> them on purpose, with the hope that they will pressure you. You can

> choose to not discuss this with your family members at all - let them

> know it is not their concern.

Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

[Guest guest]

Oh yeah, you gotta love Shakespeare. This is not only a mark of

maturity, but also of good mental health.

>

> I've come to realize that a mark of TRUE

> maturity, is " to thine own self be true " as Shakespeare put it. In

> other words: Live your own life and base your decisions on what's

> best for you and your wife. Other people's reactions to it are not

> yours to manage.

>

> -Kyla

[Guest guest]

Hoovering by proxy -- PERFECT description! My mother is a master at

it. I've had several relatives call me -- one uncle I hadn't spoken

to in 15 years called out of the blue and asked if I'd spoken to my

mother. (He knew full well that I hadn't).

It's like when a middle school girl gets her friend to go tell a boy

she likes him. This kind of strategy is employed when the person

lacks courage. Same with the BPD.

-Kyla

> > Your mother is crying to

> > them on purpose, with the hope that they will pressure you. You

can

> > choose to not discuss this with your family members at all - let

them

> > know it is not their concern.

>

> Send instant messages to your online friends

http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

>

[Guest guest]

---

I think trying to defend yourself is a no-win situation. I think

you sometimes have to fight the urge to defend yourself and just let

your " self " speak for itself. This is what my sister and I are

trying to do. My nada tells people how horrible and selfish we

are. We can't defend ourselves to everyone, and I think it's also

playing into her " drama " and game-playing to do so. Just my

opinion. And it is def. hard to know that people have heard awful

untruths about you.

Joanna

In WTOAdultChildren1 , Hutton

wrote:

>

> I agree with deanna. Your antimother is trying to

manipulate/hoover you

> by proxy. When it doesn't work and she should look sad, she'll be

too

> busy being furious.

>

>

>

>

> > Your mother is crying to

> > them on purpose, with the hope that they will pressure you. You

can

> > choose to not discuss this with your family members at all - let

them

> > know it is not their concern.

>

> Send instant messages to your online friends

http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

>

[Guest guest]

Tony,

Your situation and mine are mirror images in every way, but flipped

with mine being a FADA(inlaw) and me being female. This BPD parent

has consistently and systematically offended and hurt everyone in his

family. At any given time, there are multiple people not speaking to

him. He has said awful things about me to my H and the rest of the

family, and has done things are almost impossible to get past, like

attempting to drive my two young children while very drunk. In the

summer, he started aiming his sights at others in the family after I

detatched. He started in on my H with raging and blaming until it

went over the top with him name-calling, cursing and taunting my H

until he take no more. Finally, my H had enough and decided to end

contact. As soon as he did this, his father was diagnosed with colon

cancer and needed surgery. Barely out of that situation, he had a

bought of skin cancer. My H has seen his FADA maybe twice through

this ordeal. Now they, and the entire family see us as horrible

people who are isolating ourselves and being cruel to these parents

in their time of need. The timing is sad, truly, in both of our

cases, but does the existence of illness somehow erase the truth?

Sadly, our realizations came late and these illnesses followed close

behind, but we can't jump back into the water simply because the

other person is sick. Nothing has change; we even entertained the

idea that FADA's cancer might have changed him in a real way. We

gave him a shot and had him over; we were wrong. He was the same old

self-centered bastard in denial of all he'd done to hurt others AND

he told us we needed to forget everything and start over just because

time had passed with us not speaking! During our time of NC, my own

mother, a loving, gentle woman, died suddenly. Since the wounds were

so raw and fresh with FADAinlaw, we asked him to kindly to not attend

my mom's service. Fast forward a month to our experimental visit

with him and the man says NOTHING to me or my family about the death

of my mother. We got a little taste of how the guy was (same as

always!) and we were not interested in reestablishing anything! Like

you, we worry about everyone in the family thinking we are mean,

horrible, selfish people. Truth is that they all KNOW how mean,

horrible and selfish these parents were to us and everyone they know,

but they are choosing to accept the abuse and dysfunction and we are

not, finally. Like Kyla said, we CANNOT worry about it. They are

trying to play us, like always and their illness is a convenient

means to their end, which is to control everyone and give nothing in

return.

~Elle

[Guest guest]

You know, I was just going to say that although I don't know all the

personal situations/relationships here, that it definitely smells of

middle school tactics all around....

> > > Your mother is crying to

> > > them on purpose, with the hope that they will pressure you.

You

> can

> > > choose to not discuss this with your family members at all -

let

> them

> > > know it is not their concern.

> >

> > Send instant messages to your online friends

> http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Tony,

This is so familiar to me and something that bothers me every single

day. My heart goes out to you on this one.

My reputation is very important to me and it kills me to know that

people who are around my mother probably think I am the worst

daughter. BPDs are very good at making you feel sorry for them--

they've mastered that art. But let me tell you, I think people's

true colors always come out, sometimes it just takes time. My best

friend growing up always doubted me when it came to my nada---she

would put pressure on me to make things right. My nada would use her

to put pressure on me. Finally one day my best friend was around

when my nada lost it on someone else. She called to apologize to me

for never understanding what I was going through---and said the side

of my nada she had just witnessed amazed her--she never believed she

could be that way! I don't think she could run away fast enough.

Do what you need to do for yourself first. If there is a

rumor/thought going around that you're not a good son, check back

with the people who feel this way after they've spend " quality time "

with your nada!

N

>

> So, I have tried to be the bigger person throughout this whole

situation. Many of you probably remember the horrible email my mom

sent me a way back, i have refused to show that to anyone besides my

wife for respect of my parents and because it is embarrassing what

she says about me and my wife. I am at my end though and wondering

what others opinions are.

>

> My cousin last night talked to me and said she had seen my parents

and the looked really sad, as did my grandma. And that I should just

go over to my parents house, give them a big hug and tell them that i

love them. She said that she had to do this and it was like magic,

everything was better. I told her that I have apologized for my part

in this, and i have gotten nothing from them. She said that doesnt

matter, family is important and we do not want to keep going on this

way. I told her i am trying to get over the hurtful things my mom

said to me, and it makes it even harder cause she is unremorseful

about it. My cuz said that we are way paste remorse, and i need to

just fix this. She said how sad my grandm is. I told her my grandma

shouldnt be involved in this to begin with, and she defended it by

saying that it is my dads mom, and he was seeking advice. So i told

her, there comes a point in ones life where their parents become the

child, and

> the child needs to take care of thier parents, and with my grandma

being 79, she is at that point. my dad should not be burdening her

with this stressful topic. She just kept saying i need to fix this.

>

> I feel like my whole family thinks my wife and I are these horrible

people, since all they hear is from my moms side of things, and who

knows what she is telling them. I feel like i need to defend myself,

but i feel it is wrong to do at the same time.

>

> In addition to all this, i found out my uncle, moms brother, had

cancer and was in the hospital for a week w/prostate cancer, and just

got let out. i called him to apologize for not calling sooner, and

his reply is that he knows, my family is having issues right now.

Plus, when talking to my cousin, i found out my dad has nose cancer

for the 3rd time, which i do not know if it is real or not, or a

ploy to get me to talk to them.

>

> Right now i feel like my options are this, continue like this,

having people think i am horrible person. Or talk to one of my aunts

about everything, and give her my side of things, and show her all

the emails and everything i got. Or just send out an email to the

whole family, showing them my moms email and defend my self to

everyone, and kind of put my parents back in their place. What does

everyone thing? sorry for the length and how much it jumps, just so

frustraited and dont know what to do.

> T

>

>

>

______________________________________________________________________

______________

> Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

> http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

>

>

[Guest guest]

nanleejoy,

You are so right on this subject. This happened to me as well. My

sister inlaw witnessed my BP sister lash out at me, and intercepted

a dirty look. I got up and went upstairs to give us some distance,

and my sis inlaw was right behind me. She grabbed me, spun me

around, and with huge gator tears said she was sorry if she ever

doubted me, and said that my BP sister was evil!!!

This was many years in the making but it felt good to finally have

someone one on my inlaws side see how evil she truly is, and for

once I wasn't the town crier......

Good topic!!! drlingirl

> >

> > So, I have tried to be the bigger person throughout this whole

> situation. Many of you probably remember the horrible email my

mom

> sent me a way back, i have refused to show that to anyone besides

my

> wife for respect of my parents and because it is embarrassing what

> she says about me and my wife. I am at my end though and

wondering

> what others opinions are.

> >

> > My cousin last night talked to me and said she had seen my

parents

> and the looked really sad, as did my grandma. And that I should

just

> go over to my parents house, give them a big hug and tell them

that i

> love them. She said that she had to do this and it was like

magic,

> everything was better. I told her that I have apologized for my

part

> in this, and i have gotten nothing from them. She said that

doesnt

> matter, family is important and we do not want to keep going on

this

> way. I told her i am trying to get over the hurtful things my mom

> said to me, and it makes it even harder cause she is unremorseful

> about it. My cuz said that we are way paste remorse, and i need

to

> just fix this. She said how sad my grandm is. I told her my

grandma

> shouldnt be involved in this to begin with, and she defended it by

> saying that it is my dads mom, and he was seeking advice. So i

told

> her, there comes a point in ones life where their parents become

the

> child, and

> > the child needs to take care of thier parents, and with my

grandma

> being 79, she is at that point. my dad should not be burdening

her

> with this stressful topic. She just kept saying i need to fix

this.

> >

> > I feel like my whole family thinks my wife and I are these

horrible

> people, since all they hear is from my moms side of things, and

who

> knows what she is telling them. I feel like i need to defend

myself,

> but i feel it is wrong to do at the same time.

> >

> > In addition to all this, i found out my uncle, moms brother, had

> cancer and was in the hospital for a week w/prostate cancer, and

just

> got let out. i called him to apologize for not calling sooner,

and

> his reply is that he knows, my family is having issues right now.

> Plus, when talking to my cousin, i found out my dad has nose

cancer

> for the 3rd time, which i do not know if it is real or not, or a

> ploy to get me to talk to them.

> >

> > Right now i feel like my options are this, continue like this,

> having people think i am horrible person. Or talk to one of my

aunts

> about everything, and give her my side of things, and show her all

> the emails and everything i got. Or just send out an email to the

> whole family, showing them my moms email and defend my self to

> everyone, and kind of put my parents back in their place. What

does

> everyone thing? sorry for the length and how much it jumps, just

so

> frustraited and dont know what to do.

> > T

> >

> >

> >

>

_____________________________________________________________________

_

> ______________

> > Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

> > http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Hoovering by proxy...that is perfect! I was thinking triangulation but I

think hoovering by proxy totally hit's the nail on the head here.

So here is my opinion...listen to whatever your gut is telling you to

do....but keep a few things in mind.

1. This is YOUR life and your relationship with darling nada and how you

deal with her is nobody's business but your own. What you decide will

effect everyone no matter what your decision is.

2. Maybe consider nicely telling cuz to butt out, or turn the tables and

start asking questions... " why does my relationship with my mother effect you

this way? " " why are you so desperate for me to " fix " things with my mother? "

" how does this effect you?...is there something i should know? " .....keep in

mind that you may have to get a little more obnoxious down the road. I

would think about nicely saying " thank you for wanting to help me fix this

but this subject just upsets us both so let's just move on to something

else " . I have the same issue with my brother...I just turn into a robot and

keep repeating " not talking about this...not talking about this...not

talking about this " ......I have to speak over him most of the time, but it

has been effective.

3. The triangulation situation is always the hardest...it is an " emotional

hostage " type situation. When they do not get what they want from you, they

turn on someone you love. I can't even begin to give advice on what to do

with that....I haven't figured that one out myself. Just keep in mind that

this is all it is and it is a very typical reaction from someone with BPD.

4. Try to avoid anything that will positively re-enforce your cousin or

nada's behavior. If this type of game playing works once, they will

automatically divert back to it, and be prepared for them to up the ante.

My nada is constantly smack talking about either me or my brother and it is

usually not even remotely true. I have no idea why people believe her but

if they are going to judge me by it then that is their choice. I've gotten

to a point where I honestly don't care. It took me a while to become numb

to it, but eventually it did happen.

Anyhoooo....that's what I've got...I hope it helps.

Kisses and Nibbles,

Bunny

> nanleejoy,

>

> You are so right on this subject. This happened to me as well. My

> sister inlaw witnessed my BP sister lash out at me, and intercepted

> a dirty look. I got up and went upstairs to give us some distance,

> and my sis inlaw was right behind me. She grabbed me, spun me

> around, and with huge gator tears said she was sorry if she ever

> doubted me, and said that my BP sister was evil!!!

>

> This was many years in the making but it felt good to finally have

> someone one on my inlaws side see how evil she truly is, and for

> once I wasn't the town crier......

>

> Good topic!!! drlingirl

>

>

> > >

> > > So, I have tried to be the bigger person throughout this whole

> > situation. Many of you probably remember the horrible email my

> mom

> > sent me a way back, i have refused to show that to anyone besides

> my

> > wife for respect of my parents and because it is embarrassing what

> > she says about me and my wife. I am at my end though and

> wondering

> > what others opinions are.

> > >

> > > My cousin last night talked to me and said she had seen my

> parents

> > and the looked really sad, as did my grandma. And that I should

> just

> > go over to my parents house, give them a big hug and tell them

> that i

> > love them. She said that she had to do this and it was like

> magic,

> > everything was better. I told her that I have apologized for my

> part

> > in this, and i have gotten nothing from them. She said that

> doesnt

> > matter, family is important and we do not want to keep going on

> this

> > way. I told her i am trying to get over the hurtful things my mom

> > said to me, and it makes it even harder cause she is unremorseful

> > about it. My cuz said that we are way paste remorse, and i need

> to

> > just fix this. She said how sad my grandm is. I told her my

> grandma

> > shouldnt be involved in this to begin with, and she defended it by

> > saying that it is my dads mom, and he was seeking advice. So i

> told

> > her, there comes a point in ones life where their parents become

> the

> > child, and

> > > the child needs to take care of thier parents, and with my

> grandma

> > being 79, she is at that point. my dad should not be burdening

> her

> > with this stressful topic. She just kept saying i need to fix

> this.

> > >

> > > I feel like my whole family thinks my wife and I are these

> horrible

> > people, since all they hear is from my moms side of things, and

> who

> > knows what she is telling them. I feel like i need to defend

> myself,

> > but i feel it is wrong to do at the same time.

> > >

> > > In addition to all this, i found out my uncle, moms brother, had

> > cancer and was in the hospital for a week w/prostate cancer, and

> just

> > got let out. i called him to apologize for not calling sooner,

> and

> > his reply is that he knows, my family is having issues right now.

> > Plus, when talking to my cousin, i found out my dad has nose

> cancer

> > for the 3rd time, which i do not know if it is real or not, or a

> > ploy to get me to talk to them.

> > >

> > > Right now i feel like my options are this, continue like this,

> > having people think i am horrible person. Or talk to one of my

> aunts

> > about everything, and give her my side of things, and show her all

> > the emails and everything i got. Or just send out an email to the

> > whole family, showing them my moms email and defend my self to

> > everyone, and kind of put my parents back in their place. What

> does

> > everyone thing? sorry for the length and how much it jumps, just

> so

> > frustraited and dont know what to do.

> > > T

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> __________________________________________________________

> _

> > ______________

> > > Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.

> > > http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Can I ask...how did you get to the point where it

didn't hurt anymore when she was talking about you

behind your back?

I can't seem to get past that with my own nada. I

spend so much time upset and stressed out over the

lies and half-truths that she spins and wondering who

has been told what and BELEIVED what. She's pulled

some big ones, y'know? Ones that have really harmed

some of my relationships because people either

believed her and/or they just didn't want to deal with

the drama she created.

So I do get past being hurt by that?

T

>>My nada is constantly smack talking about either me

or my brother and it is

usually not even remotely true. I have no idea why

people believe her but

if they are going to judge me by it then that is their

choice. I've gotten

to a point where I honestly don't care. It took me a

while to become numb

to it, but eventually it did happen.<<

[Guest guest]

I can chime in here with what works for me: Get busy living your

own full life, and accept the fact that not everybody is going to

love you, or believe you, or even like you. If you like yourself

well enough, and have loyal friends (and family) who like and

respect you, co-workers who like you, etc., then go about the

business of filling your life with THOSE voice, and ditch the

naysayers who want to sit in the muck with your mother.

I think sometimes we distract ourselves and look away from what is

(or could be) good in our life, by concentrating too much on people

who bring us down, and bring negativity and doubt into our lives.

We're the gatekeepers of our lives -- it IS possible to shut out the

negative noise. I've heard life compared to a garden -- you must

prune it to keep the weeds out, and let the healthy branches grow.

<<I can't seem to get past that with my own nada. I

> spend so much time upset and stressed out over the

> lies and half-truths that she spins and wondering who

> has been told what and BELEIVED what. She's pulled

> some big ones, y'know? Ones that have really harmed

> some of my relationships because people either

> believed her and/or they just didn't want to deal with

> the drama she created.>>

It's a waste of time to plead with people to like you -- they either

like you or they don't. They'll either believe your mother's tales,

or they won't. There's nothing you can do about that. You CAN move

on and turn your attention toward your own life. Let your mother

go. Leave her to her lies -- the less you have to do with her, the

less she'll have to lie about.

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

BEAUTIFUL!

>

> I can chime in here with what works for me: Get busy living your

> own full life, and accept the fact that not everybody is going to

> love you, or believe you, or even like you. If you like yourself

> well enough, and have loyal friends (and family) who like and

> respect you, co-workers who like you, etc., then go about the

> business of filling your life with THOSE voice, and ditch the

> naysayers who want to sit in the muck with your mother.

>

> I think sometimes we distract ourselves and look away from what is

> (or could be) good in our life, by concentrating too much on people

> who bring us down, and bring negativity and doubt into our lives.

>

> We're the gatekeepers of our lives -- it IS possible to shut out the

> negative noise. I've heard life compared to a garden -- you must

> prune it to keep the weeds out, and let the healthy branches grow.

>

> <<I can't seem to get past that with my own nada. I

> > spend so much time upset and stressed out over the

> > lies and half-truths that she spins and wondering who

> > has been told what and BELEIVED what. She's pulled

> > some big ones, y'know? Ones that have really harmed

> > some of my relationships because people either

> > believed her and/or they just didn't want to deal with

> > the drama she created.>>

>

>

> It's a waste of time to plead with people to like you -- they either

> like you or they don't. They'll either believe your mother's tales,

> or they won't. There's nothing you can do about that. You CAN move

> on and turn your attention toward your own life. Let your mother

> go. Leave her to her lies -- the less you have to do with her, the

> less she'll have to lie about.

>

> -Kyla

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Kyla! That is perfectly put!

I agree. And if I had some naggers on my case I would smile sweetly

and state " There is always 2 sides to a story. Maybe one day you

will want to hear mine when you're ready " .

I think (or maybe hope) that most adults realize that in a

relationship there are 2 sides to the story.

As for getting over the pain of it, I don't think it ever really goes

away (it bothers me every time still), but if you are providing your

nada with less information (like just discussing the weather

outside!) then you give her less material to work with.

Nan

> >

> > I can chime in here with what works for me: Get busy living your

> > own full life, and accept the fact that not everybody is going to

> > love you, or believe you, or even like you. If you like yourself

> > well enough, and have loyal friends (and family) who like and

> > respect you, co-workers who like you, etc., then go about the

> > business of filling your life with THOSE voice, and ditch the

> > naysayers who want to sit in the muck with your mother.

> >

> > I think sometimes we distract ourselves and look away from what

is

> > (or could be) good in our life, by concentrating too much on

people

> > who bring us down, and bring negativity and doubt into our lives.

> >

> > We're the gatekeepers of our lives -- it IS possible to shut out

the

> > negative noise. I've heard life compared to a garden -- you must

> > prune it to keep the weeds out, and let the healthy branches grow.

> >

> > <<I can't seem to get past that with my own nada. I

> > > spend so much time upset and stressed out over the

> > > lies and half-truths that she spins and wondering who

> > > has been told what and BELEIVED what. She's pulled

> > > some big ones, y'know? Ones that have really harmed

> > > some of my relationships because people either

> > > believed her and/or they just didn't want to deal with

> > > the drama she created.>>

> >

> >

> > It's a waste of time to plead with people to like you -- they

either

> > like you or they don't. They'll either believe your mother's

tales,

> > or they won't. There's nothing you can do about that. You CAN

move

> > on and turn your attention toward your own life. Let your mother

> > go. Leave her to her lies -- the less you have to do with her,

the

> > less she'll have to lie about.

> >

> > -Kyla

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Absolutely positively true. I love the garden philosophy...that is truly

beautiful.

As far as how I became numb to it...I can't really tell you that there was

one certain thing over the other...I think it was mostly just time that did

that...you know the old cliche' about time heals all wounds. That just

happened to be what went into play here. I spent the better portion of the

beginning of my marriage " walking on eggshells " trying to do what would

please nada or made her proud of me if at any moment someone walked in and

took a snapshot of my life at that very moment. I obsessed over my house

being spotless, over the laundry being pristine, over my children looking

like they just jumped off the cover of a magazine. My husband and I had a

knock down drag out fight because he folded a dishrag and laid it over the

top of the faucet....I was flipping out not only because of where he placed

it but how he folded it and the fact that the design wasn't facing in the

correct position. I would sleep in front of the dishwasher so I would know

when it shut off and could put the dishes away immediately. It was crazy.

One day my husband asked me to really search my soul and come up with WHY I

did what I did...did all of the chores being done make me happy or was I

doing it for nada? Then I found out that despite all of my best efforts

nada was still trash talking me behind my back....accusing me of NOT doing

all of the things that I was going out of my way to do to please her. She

was telling people that I wasn't caring for my children

correctly...spreading vicious lies that I had a drug and alcohol problem.

THAT was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I have never even

experimented with drugs and because I had small children I wouldn't even

allow my husband to watch television shows that MIGHT have even an

advertisement for alcohol. Then it hit me...she was going to think these

things and spread these lies no matter what. I had no control...that was

the key to my life...I had no control...I had no control over what she said,

I had no control over what others believed and I didn't have control over my

own life...i was living my life to please her and that still wasn't enough.

Over time I stopped doing things for her...I did them for me. If the

laundry sat for a couple of days waiting to be folded because I spent them

with my children at the park or playground or attending an imaginary tea

party that my 2 year old was hosting then so be it. My life was much more

fulfilled sipping imaginary tea with Guy the dog and Kitty the elephant and

my daughter who had declared herself the queen of her village with her

husband, Barney the dinosaur. Nada spread the same vicious atrocities no

matter what the status of my laundry or dishes might be. And I mean the

EXACT same vicious atrocities. It now plays to me like a warn out record

and spending any amount of time dignifying any of her stories with any type

of response whatsoever just seemed to make her lies all that much more

true. So I stopped.

The most recent vicious lie she has been yammering on and on about is about

my now teenage daughter...she has been telling people for 3 years now that

my daughter is pregnant. (She is now 17) I just roll my eyes and wonder if

any of these people who have believed her ever stop to wonder why this

imaginary pregnancy hasn't come to fruition yet? There is just nothing you

can do about what people believe or not believe. I chose instead to

concentrate on living my life to the fullest and try very hard to not let

her sickness deprive me of precious time with the people whom I love.

> Thanks Kyla! That is perfectly put!

> I agree. And if I had some naggers on my case I would smile sweetly

> and state " There is always 2 sides to a story. Maybe one day you

> will want to hear mine when you're ready " .

> I think (or maybe hope) that most adults realize that in a

> relationship there are 2 sides to the story.

> As for getting over the pain of it, I don't think it ever really goes

> away (it bothers me every time still), but if you are providing your

> nada with less information (like just discussing the weather

> outside!) then you give her less material to work with.

> Nan

>

>

> > >

> > > I can chime in here with what works for me: Get busy living your

> > > own full life, and accept the fact that not everybody is going to

> > > love you, or believe you, or even like you. If you like yourself

> > > well enough, and have loyal friends (and family) who like and

> > > respect you, co-workers who like you, etc., then go about the

> > > business of filling your life with THOSE voice, and ditch the

> > > naysayers who want to sit in the muck with your mother.

> > >

> > > I think sometimes we distract ourselves and look away from what

> is

> > > (or could be) good in our life, by concentrating too much on

> people

> > > who bring us down, and bring negativity and doubt into our lives.

> > >

> > > We're the gatekeepers of our lives -- it IS possible to shut out

> the

> > > negative noise. I've heard life compared to a garden -- you must

> > > prune it to keep the weeds out, and let the healthy branches grow.

> > >

> > > <<I can't seem to get past that with my own nada. I

> > > > spend so much time upset and stressed out over the

> > > > lies and half-truths that she spins and wondering who

> > > > has been told what and BELEIVED what. She's pulled

> > > > some big ones, y'know? Ones that have really harmed

> > > > some of my relationships because people either

> > > > believed her and/or they just didn't want to deal with

> > > > the drama she created.>>

> > >

> > >

> > > It's a waste of time to plead with people to like you -- they

> either

> > > like you or they don't. They'll either believe your mother's

> tales,

> > > or they won't. There's nothing you can do about that. You CAN

> move

> > > on and turn your attention toward your own life. Let your mother

> > > go. Leave her to her lies -- the less you have to do with her,

> the

> > > less she'll have to lie about.

> > >

> > > -Kyla

> > >

> >

>

>

>

--

Kisses and Nibbles,

Bunny

[Guest guest]

Good replies! I love to give an enigmatic reply in that situation.

Makes them wonder what's behind what you're saying. Another one

would be: " Yes, she certainly has interesting things to say,

doesn't she?!!

> > >

> > > I can chime in here with what works for me: Get busy living

your

> > > own full life, and accept the fact that not everybody is going

to

> > > love you, or believe you, or even like you. If you like

yourself

> > > well enough, and have loyal friends (and family) who like and

> > > respect you, co-workers who like you, etc., then go about the

> > > business of filling your life with THOSE voice, and ditch the

> > > naysayers who want to sit in the muck with your mother.

> > >

> > > I think sometimes we distract ourselves and look away from

what

> is

> > > (or could be) good in our life, by concentrating too much on

> people

> > > who bring us down, and bring negativity and doubt into our

lives.

> > >

> > > We're the gatekeepers of our lives -- it IS possible to shut

out

> the

> > > negative noise. I've heard life compared to a garden -- you

must

> > > prune it to keep the weeds out, and let the healthy branches

grow.

> > >

> > > <<I can't seem to get past that with my own nada. I

> > > > spend so much time upset and stressed out over the

> > > > lies and half-truths that she spins and wondering who

> > > > has been told what and BELEIVED what. She's pulled

> > > > some big ones, y'know? Ones that have really harmed

> > > > some of my relationships because people either

> > > > believed her and/or they just didn't want to deal with

> > > > the drama she created.>>

> > >

> > >

> > > It's a waste of time to plead with people to like you -- they

> either

> > > like you or they don't. They'll either believe your mother's

> tales,

> > > or they won't. There's nothing you can do about that. You

CAN

> move

> > > on and turn your attention toward your own life. Let your

mother

> > > go. Leave her to her lies -- the less you have to do with

her,

> the

> > > less she'll have to lie about.

> > >

> > > -Kyla

> > >

> >

>