Re: How can I get it to stop affecting me?

[Guest guest]

Sorry you are going through this. I can tell you what has worked for

me. First, I realized that I cannot change anyone in my family. I can

only change myself. That means I can only respond to nada's behavior

and fada and brother's denial and resistance to change. Also, I

refuse to visit their home because nada is more likely to rage at her

house. I will meet them only at neutral locations. Also, I limit my

phone conversations and time them with an alarm if needed. In

addition, I no longer allow nada to interrupt me. If we are arguing,

I ask her to let me finish my sentence or I will hang up. She knows I

mean business, so she listens to me. I hope that some of my tips are

helpful. Good luck!

>

> Just when I start to feel like I'm living my life, my mom calls and

it

> sends me in a tail spin. I get physically sick to my stomach and

have

> a hard time getting through my day. I went to therapy for a while

and

> it helped but toward the end I felt like I was just saying the same

> thing over and over.

>

> I'm a married adult, with my own life. Visiting is painful. She

> brings up negative things about my appearance, my education, my job,

> she goes on and on about how much she misses me. She cries when

we're

> there (because she misses me so much when I'm not there), invades my

> personal space, asks inappropriate questions, brings up painful

things

> from my past, talks about their money problems, hints about health

and

> money issues but avoids any further probing. She keeps me just

enough

> in the loop to stay worried, but just far enough out that I can't

lend

> a hand. Dad just enables her. Sometimes he listens to my brother

and

> I and whole heartedly agrees and other times he backs her up

> completely. She gets in way too many car accidents, in fact I don't

> think she can drive anymore. She's sick all the time.

>

> Today she left a message pleading how my father needs us right now.

> How he just needs to talk to us, but not to let him know she said

> anything. Again with a cryptic (I don't know what is wrong),

pleading

> message which just makes me ill. I feel so bad about admitting

this,

> but I barely care about them because they won't help themselves.

Most

> of our issues started when I was in my early teens and grew much

worse

> into my early adult years.

>

> I'm really hoping that someone out there can give me any advice for

> letting go of all the pain and how can I stop letting her

manipulation

> matter? I just want to be strong. Thanks in advance.

>

[Guest guest]

>

> Just when I start to feel like I'm living my life, my mom calls and it

> sends me in a tail spin. I get physically sick to my stomach and have

> a hard time getting through my day. I went to therapy for a while and

> it helped but toward the end I felt like I was just saying the same

> thing over and over.

My heart really goes out to you. I used to struggle with this as

well. I would call my mother every week only to cry afterwards

feeling like total shit. Why couldn't I get it together? Why did she

never listen to me? Never care about what was going on in my life?

Criticizing me? I just kept waiting for her to love me. And she

never did. In all those phone calls, all those conversations, there

wasn't a shred of affection left for me.

Finally, my body naturally collapsed into a complete depression.

>

> I'm a married adult, with my own life. Visiting is painful. She

> brings up negative things about my appearance, my education, my job,

> she goes on and on about how much she misses me. She cries when we're

> there (because she misses me so much when I'm not there), invades my

> personal space, asks inappropriate questions, brings up painful things

> from my past, talks about their money problems, hints about health and

> money issues but avoids any further probing. She keeps me just enough

> in the loop to stay worried, but just far enough out that I can't lend

> a hand. Dad just enables her. Sometimes he listens to my brother and

> I and whole heartedly agrees and other times he backs her up

> completely. She gets in way too many car accidents, in fact I don't

> think she can drive anymore. She's sick all the time.

>

> Today she left a message pleading how my father needs us right now.

> How he just needs to talk to us, but not to let him know she said

> anything. Again with a cryptic (I don't know what is wrong), pleading

> message which just makes me ill. I feel so bad about admitting this,

> but I barely care about them because they won't help themselves. Most

> of our issues started when I was in my early teens and grew much worse

> into my early adult years.

>

> I'm really hoping that someone out there can give me any advice for

> letting go of all the pain and how can I stop letting her manipulation

> matter? I just want to be strong. Thanks in advance.

So what finally helped me is I decided to take a little vacation from

calling because I just realized how crappy I felt. I have a nada who

refuses to call other people. I just stopped communicating with her.

And if she asked, just said I was busy.

At first this was really hard for me. I felt guilty. Everytime

something happened in my life I wanted to call her and let her know

(even though she always made me feel poorly).

It was the worst thing ever to restrict my contact. If there was some

practical matter I gave her short one sentence e-mails.

I realized that communicating with her was contributing to my pain, so

as much as I wanted to have a " mother " or " be a good daughter " , I was

literally dying on the inside. I didn't care how guilty I felt, how

much I missed her. I just needed to not talk to her for a few months.

Just get away. Get my head cleared.

This really helped me. Each time the guilt was a little bit less.

After nearly a year of this, I'm happy to report that I no longer have

this issue at all.

Mind you, I've had therapy all along this grieving process.

But just starting by setting small boundaries and trying to make them

bigger and bigger and knowing that the sorrow you feel doing that is

part of getting better is one step in the right direction.

I know you can get through this.

G.

>

[Guest guest]

I'm working on this, too. Too often I think I can do something to

convince her of the validity of my point. So, I keep trying and trying

to speak to her rationally.

Problem is, she's not rational. She has limited common sense. She

does not see reality with a clear set of eyes. She is self-centered

and self-preserving at all times.

There's no room for affirming and unconditionally loving another human

being when she's so self-absorbed. She is a NADA.

The first step to working through this process is accepting the reality

that a parent with borderline personality disorder is not capable of

being the fairy tale mother/father that we dream of. I think it's

essential to work through acceptance first (which often results in a

gamut of emotions including depression and anger).

I find it comforting to " meet " so many other KO's who have NC or LC

with their nada/fada and are making progress.

You've asked the question about how to get " it " to stop affecting you

and I think the next step is establishing BOUNDARIES. Dr. Henry Cloud

& Dr. Townsend have written a number of exceptional books about

establishing boundaries and identifying the difference between you and

others who you allow to " control " or " cage " you.

I think it's important to remember that our nada's chaos is not our

own. We only put on those " clothes " because they are comfortable.

Individuals with personality disorders thrive on the chaos cycle. They

need to constantly exhibit their victim status and show their is a

perpetrator and someone who they can run to (their audience). Don't

get wrapped up in their drama and you won't be involved in their drama.

People who go LC or NC are able to differentiate between themselves and

their parent because they can focus their attention on their own needs

and wants instead of serving as the nurturer or problem solver...

Sometimes it just takes a little space to fully appreciate differences

and accept boundaries and other times it may take years or a lifetime.

It certainly depends upon the nada/fada and each of our tolerance

levels.

Here's just a few raw thoughts... (for what they're worth)

Take 'em or leave 'em.

Smiles,

Dolly

[Guest guest]

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and advice. I have to

realize that she doesn't have anything left for me, just what she's

programmed herself to say to keep me calling. I realized her plea

yesterday was just because she wants me to feel obligation toward her.

I've been keeping my contact as little as possible. She's

conditioned me to call often because someday " I will regret the time I

didn't spend with her " .

No common sense? That's my NADA. But she's right about everything.

My dad has admitted he married her because she needed to be taken care

of. I'm not equipped to do it. I just needed to hear that keeping my

contact minimal is not me being cruel. What scared me is I stopped

feeling guilty about keeping major life changes from her (she doesn't

know I quit my job to freelance). Isn't that crazy? Feeling guilty

about NOT feeling guilty.

I wish I could have a close relationship with her, but I can't have

that so I need to make myself content and happy.

Thanks again. I love hearing the coping techniques from everyone on here.