giving myself a pat on the back

[Guest guest]

Hi guys, I hope you had a nice holiday!

I feel like I really stood up for myself last night with nada and my

grandparents. I feel like I'm really getting a grasp on all of this.

I went to my grandparents' house last night after I got off work

because they had invited me over for dinner. We had a nice time,

even after nada walked over (she lives in the house next door to them

that they bought and renovated for her). After dinner though, nada

starts in on how she needs my help ALL WEEKEND in moving everything

from her old house to her new one. I told her that I would help her

Friday as I had already agreed to, but that I would not be helping

her all weekend. My fiance' and I have plans for just the two of us

on Monday, and I want to have a nice weekend after working almost all

week since the new year began and enjoy the last few days before

school begins again.

Well, nada was NOT HAPPY about this. She insisted that most of the

stuff in her old house is mine (not true!) and she needs my help. I

told her that I understood what she was saying, but I disagreed, and

considering I had moved myself into my apartment in August without

her help, most of my things were already out of her old house and I

would only be able to help on Friday.

She began yelling at my grandfather, demanding that he step in and

tell me how ungrateful I am. He told me I had too much of a " me "

attitude and I needed to help my mother move. I pointed out that she

has been in her house for almost 6 months now and has had plenty of

time to move her things. I restated that I would help her Friday as

promised, but I would not spend my entire weekend off work helping

her. When he continued, I said, " I am not going to help someone who

has been emotionally and verbally abusive to me. I am 20 years old,

and I am not obligated to put myself in a bad position. "

This erupted into a huge fight. My grandparents eventually " took my

side " so to speak, which only made nada angrier. I found out, among

other things, she was able to obtain a copy of my credit report (how

she did this, I have no idea but I surely would like to know) and

told my grandparents I took out a loan and gave the money to my

fiance'. ?!?!? I told them I did NOT take out the loan to help him

out, but I did it so I could begin to build a good credit rating, and

that even if I had taken it out to help my fiance', it wouldn't be

anyone's business but ours.

I know I lost my cool and didn't follow SWOE's suggestions very well,

but it felt like a big milestone for me. I kept repeating that as

far as my grades, financial aid, etc. are concerned, nada is more

than welcome to ask me about them, but I am not legally obligated to

provide her with that information and her threats to call my

university are unfounded because they will deny her the access

because I'm over 18.

Most importantly, after the madness was finally over, nada asked for

me to spend the night at her house with either her there or her at my

grandparents' house. I told her, " I love you, and I understand you

feel it would be best for me not to drive to my apartment this late

and with me being upset. However, I assure you that I am OK to drive

and I think this is best because I have work tomorrow and we both

need to get some sleep and calm down. If you would like to address

this later when we have both calmed down, we can, but tonight I need

to focus on getting the most rest I can since I will be on my feet

all day tomorrow. I will see you on Friday. " She kept arguing and

normally I would have caved in, but I didn't and drove to my

apartment.

My grandmother called me later to make sure I had made it in. She

was crying and apologized to me because she feels like she and my

grandfather should have forced nada to get help, etc. I told her

about BPD and that I and my therapist suspect it's what nada has. I

told her we could not force her to change herself because it has to

be something she wants to do, but that we could change how we react

to her. I told her about SWOE and said that I would loan it to her

after I finish re-reading it. She thinks that I'm with my fiance'

because of my nada, which is B.S. I told her she was entitled to

believe that but that I strongly disagreed and that she and my

grandfather should be more concerned about my mother than about my

relationship with a man who, while he has " baggage " (I hate that

word), cares deeply about me and my well-being.

I think I handled last night as best as I could at this point in my

detachment from this entirely bizarre and enmeshed situation. I've

asked my fiance' to read the chapter on SWOE about protecting

children of BPs. While it doesn't apply to me completely as I'm too

old for the suggestions, the main reason why I want him to read it is

I think it does a good job of explaining how growing up with a BP

parent affects a non-BP kid, even after they're an adult. I didn't

even realize how accurately it described me (lack of trust, setting

up tests, etc.) until reading it. I think I'll bring it up to my

therapist at our next session because I believe it will improve me

and my fiance's relationship.