Re: When Should I Let Kids Know About Moms BPD

[Guest guest]

Sorry-should have said children of that age may get to choose.

And I reemphasize- be prepared!

Beverley son wrote:

Get out. And the courts usually let the children choose the parent they reside

with, or at least have a strong say. Can you make a life for yourself where the

girls fit?

Bottom line- without treatment, the BPD wont get better and under stress will

get worse. And your daughters will suffer.

But read the sites for fathers- nothing is easy with a BPD!

Good luck

Beverley

dkc22949 wrote: Hello,

I have been looking at more of the other WTO boards, but my reason for

posting here is this; I feel that my wife has BPD, but she is

unwilling to see a doctor or go to any kind of counseling. She fits

all the criterias but 2. My girls are 14 & 17, and I am considering if

we would all be better of if we seperated/divorced. They know that

there is something " not right " but I haven't mentioned her acutally

being mentally ill. Although they often say " shes not right " . But then

again we have good days too.

If you all could go back to growing up with a parent with this

illness, when do you think would have been the right time to be told

more about what is going on? Would it be the same whether or not I

decide to stay or leave as to when they should know? As far as if I

decide to leave, should I get thier (kids) input about what they think

would be best? Are they too young to read Surviving the Borderline ( I

have not read it myself yet)? Or are there any other books that would

be age appropriate to help them understand?

Thanks DKC

---------------------------------

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[Guest guest]

This is a very tough decision to make. What has made you stay around as long as

you have? Do you have a good, loving, close relationship with your girls? Do

they trust you more than their mom? And please reassure me that there is also

NOT another woman in the picture as well?

My opinion is this, as long as you are doing this for the right reasons, and

there is no other woman influencing your decision on this, then I thin it would

be safe to tell your girls the truth. They are not Toddlers anymore, they are

wise enough to at least partially understand what you are going to tell them.

And later on they will understand fully. But my position is this, the truth is

always better when it comes to talking with your children about any serious

issue like this, and leaving them in the dark will only make them question

themselves as to what they may have done wrong to make you leave. Kids almost

always blame themselves partially for their parents breakup. So I would tell

them the truth, and tell them your plans, and don't ask for their advice, they

are too young to give advice on adult matters, but DO ask them about how they

FEEL about your decision to leave, and you may be surprised about what they say.

When my father left, my main concern was that his leaving would kill my mother,

and really it did in a way. Your kids probably will not be able to grasp FULLY

what a rotten person their mother truly can be, until they themselves become

parents (speaking from my own experience here). I say, take them to a therapist

if you feel safer that way, let the therapist help you explain it all to them.

Offer them immediately the opportunity to go with you, if they want to, in face

if it were me, I would file for full custody and take them against their will,

to save them from the damage that is heading their way Yfrom their mother) once

you leave. They may not like you for a long time, but trust me, if you are a

good father and you are there for those girls " emotionally " then one day they

will thank you for it!

[Guest guest]

REVISED TO FIX GRAMMAR ERRORS: SORRY.

This is a very tough decision to make. What has made you stay around

as long as you have? Do you have a good, loving, close relationship

with your girls? Do they trust you more than their mom? And please

reassure me that there is also NOT another woman in the picture as

well?

My opinion is this, as long as you are doing this for the right

reasons, and there is no other woman influencing your decision on

this, then I think it would be safe to tell your girls the truth.

They are not Toddlers anymore, they are wise enough to at least

partially understand what you are going to tell them. And later on

they will understand fully. But my position is this, the truth is

always better when it comes to talking with your children about any

serious issue like this, and leaving them in the dark will only make

them question themselves as to what they may have done wrong to make

you leave. Kids almost always blame themselves partially for their

parents breakup. So I would tell them the truth, and tell them your

plans, and don't ask for their advice, they are too young to give

advice on adult matters, but DO ask them about how they FEEL about

your decision to leave, and you may be surprised about what they say.

When my father left, my main concern was that his leaving would kill

my mother, and really it did in a way. Your kids probably will not be

able to grasp FULLY what a rotten person their mother truly can be,

until they themselves become parents (speaking from my own experience

here). I say, take them to a therapist if you feel safer that way,

let the therapist help you explain it all to them. Offer them

immediately the opportunity to go with you, if they want to, in fact

if it were me, I would file for full custody and take them against

their will, to save them from the damage that is heading their way

(from their mother) once you leave. They may not like you for a long

time, but trust me, if you are a good father and you are there for

those girls " emotionally " then one day they will thank you for it!

[Guest guest]

>

> At 25 I figured it out on my own (after a horrendous wedding

incident)and up until two years ago, my dad NEVER mentioned it or said

anything negative about my mom.

Are you saying that it was never even discussed that " mom is a little

emotional " or something like that? If not, did you think she was

" crazy " or just bitter and angery?

> I am 35, from 8 - 16 I went to my dad's every second weekend and it

was my salvation. From 16 to 18 I lived with my dad and it was my

first glimpse at a normal family life.

Our state is usually joint placement and they do take the kids

opinions inot account at this age. I think the girls would definetly

want to be with me AT LEAST half time and I would probably try for

more than that. The " glipse at a normal life " is exactley what I would

be trying to give them before its too late and they are gone and think

what they have now is an example of how a family should be.

Thanks,

DKC

[Guest guest]

>

>

>

> OTOH, I'm not saying don't do anything. Best of all if this is truly

> what you want would be to divorce and get your children with you, or

> at least you'll have a separate home they can go(run) to. DO share

> with them that their mother sees the world inaccurately and that what

> she says about them is not the truth especially when she's emotional

> and angry. If even one person had validated for me that my mother

> was wrong in her perceptions of herself, of me, of others and that

> the guilt I felt about seeing those things differently was

> unnecessary it would have made a huge difference to me. Affirming

> them in that way will help their identity development not to be

> damaged like it would be otherwise. For me at least the identity

> damage has been the most lasting scar leading into adulthood - that

> is most important to stop.

They have asked " why does she act like this " type of questions. I

actknowledge that she acts wrong, and let them know that I think she

needs help, and that I have asked her to get help, but she doesn't

think there is anything wrong. (We have quite a few people in our

extended family that have had mental issues, so they are well aware of

mental illness). Is this somewhat what you mean by " validating " , to

let them know that yes, your thoughts that she doesnt act right are

acurate?

>

> Hope some of that is helpful and most of all they've got a dad who

> cares and knows and that is what matters.

They mean more to me than anything and I will always be there for

them. I have gotten better at " putting up with things " from a personal

point on view, but my biggest goal is to help them see what a normal

loving relatioship is.

[Guest guest]

>

> This is a very tough decision to make. What has made you stay around

as long as you have?

I think because I was a butt kisser for years, and I though I could

" help fix her " . I thought it was maybe depression, which I had hope

that she could get help. I have jsut recently found out abut BPD which

fits like a glove.

Do you have a good, loving, close relationship with your girls? Do

they trust you more than their mom?

Yes we have a good relationship, and they do trust me much more than

her. We do have tense moments when I take moms side on certain things

that she blows up at them about, but I always make sure to tell them

that " she is right in what she is saying, but wrong in how whe said

it to you " .

And please reassure me that there is also NOT another woman in the

picture as well?

Absolutley not!!! Why would I want 2 of these to deal with

> But my position is this, the truth is always better when it comes to

talking with your children about any serious issue like this, and

leaving them in the dark will only make them question themselves as to

what they may have done wrong to make you leave. Kids almost always

blame themselves partially for their parents breakup. So I would tell

them the truth, and tell them your plans, and don't ask for their

advice, they are too young to give advice on adult matters, but DO ask

them about how they FEEL about your decision to leave, and you may be

surprised about what they say.

I think what I meant to says was get thier input as far as if THEY

would feel better in a seperate house form her where they could get

some " rest " even if only 1/2 the time.

Your kids probably will not be able to grasp FULLY what a rotten

person their mother truly can be, until they themselves become parents

(speaking from my own experience here).

Luckily they still have many good memories from a few years back, and

we still have some good time know and then too. I get the feeling that

many of you here have had it WAY worse, and my heart feels for you.

Thanks,

DKC

[Guest guest]

I think the decision is ultimately yours. I can't say " just leave, "

because I do not know the severity of your wife's BPD. If she is

abusive to the girls, yes, leave right away. If she is not abusive but

instead high functioning, then I can relate.

My mother is a non-diagnosed high-functioning BPD. She wants things

her way, wants people to think her way, and feels personally attacked

when family members want to do something their own way rather than her

way. She argues with clerks in stores to feel superior and has pity

parties for herself whenever she feels slighted. She judges everyone

she meets.

My father did not leave my mother, even though he put up with more

criticism, judgement, orders, and overall crap than I could never

imagine. As an adult, I once asked him, " How have you done it all

these years? " He said, " I wasn't just acting for me. There were kids -

your brother and you - and I couldn't just leave. " It had never even

occurred to me that MY DAD could have gotten a divorce and left.

Things really hit the fan with my mother and I when I was the age of

your daughters - starting at 15, when I was beginning to date and have

my own personality and opinions.

It hits me with your posting that it would have been much easier if my

dad would have pulled me aside to tell me that my mother sees the world

differently, feels personally attacked when disagreed with, and that I

am still allowed to become my own person. The validation of my own

sanity would have meant the world. I think I would have been just fine

finishing high school, then going away to college and becoming an adult

in my own space. Looking back, that conversation would have helped a

lot.

In your case, I think having that conversation with your girls - even

if you save mentioning the BPD diagnosis until they are older - would

mean the world to them. They would know that mom doesn't hate them,

she just doesn't know what to do or how to act when feeling

threatened. Let them know that the problem is hers, not theirs, and

you love them and are always there whenever they need you. They will

then know without you even saying it that if push comes to shove, you

are in their corner and will do whatever it takes to keep them healthy

and safe... even if it means leaving mom.

Cheryl

[Guest guest]

> They have asked " why does she act like this " type of questions. I

> actknowledge that she acts wrong, and let them know that I think she

> needs help, and that I have asked her to get help, but she doesn't

> think there is anything wrong. (We have quite a few people in our

> extended family that have had mental issues, so they are well aware

of

> mental illness). Is this somewhat what you mean by " validating " , to

> let them know that yes, your thoughts that she doesnt act right are

> acurate?

> >

Dkc, now that you ask I think I mean two things by validating. First

yes, just like you are already doing telling them she's

acting/perceiving wrongly is important to *undo* her invalidations -

in saying that you also validate their perception that she's acting

wrongly. Then add to validate...meaning to support their feelings

and perceptions of their lives as valid, like ask why they feel that

way, or encourage them to talk about their experiences. Let them

know you see it too how great " that " was or how awful that was or how

confusing that was...whatever life experience that may be.

[Guest guest]

Hi DKC,

First of all I think it is both wise and kind of you to ask our

advice. On behalf of your daughters, thank you. Second, obviously you

will receive a plurality of opinions on this board, and that is

normal given that everyone has a different experience. etc. I just

wanted to put in my two cents:

Absolutely tell your daughters. I'm 26 and I wish I had known about

my mom's BPD much earlier (note: my mom is a high-functioning BP who

was a good parent in many ways. She never physically abused me and

she was supportive of me in many important ways). My mom and dad

split when I was 2 and I'm an only child so I did school years with

mom and summers with dad. Even knowing about BPD I would still have

chosen that arrangement - I would still have chosen to stay at my

mom's house. HOWEVER, i would have been MUCH better equipped to deal

with my mother's temper tantrums and i would have learned how to

protect myself from her rages and not take them personally (this is

huge). My self-esteem and sense of self would be stronger now. It

would be easier for me to state my own opinions and emotions, and

easier for me to criticize others in a good way (which is important

in intimate relationships), whereas for a long time i was paralyzed

about hurting anyone's feelings b/c the retribution when I was young

was so great. I would have been more able to distinguish between the

moods and states of other people better, without taking it all in and

making it my own. I would have explicitly learned about boundaries,

how to set them and stick with them, which would have helped me in

lots of different areas of my life, but particularly with my mother.

You said your kids are 14 and 17, right? They are pretty old - they

will understand those books (Stop Walking on Eggshells, etc.) and it

will mean something to them. I am also a huge proponent of therapy -

I strongly encourage you to get them therapy, and yourself as well.

This is an important part of the process.

My father is a huge avoider and when I have told him about my

mother's BPD now, he seems to think I should just forgive, forget,

move on, and avoid it. I totally disagree with this approach. I am

bringing this up because I think it is a common approach to BPD

(perhaps to life problems in general) and i think it is absolutely

the wrong one. I believe that naming the behaviors, getting to the

root of the problem, and confronting the truth is ALWAYS better

than 'letting things go' or repressing things (like anger at the

inappropriate behavior of BPDs). The thing about BPD is, like you

said, that there are good times - there are good days - which lull

you into a false sense of security. But the 'bad' stuff happens over

and over, and it won't stop unless your wife gets help, which it

doesn't sound like she's ready to do. Anyway the point is, I think

your kids deserve to know. I wish someone had told me. I wish someone

had given me these books. I wish someone had listened to " my " side

and let me know that it is NOT my fault and that I do NOT need to

constantly accept hurtful behavior - I, as a person, have choices. I

would also have felt a little betrayed if someone important in my

life " knew " what was going on with my mother and witheld that

information from me to " protect " me. I would want to know.

[Guest guest]

The problem I see w/ leaving is that then you daughters will have to

deal w/nada by themselves. Seems like it's safer to have you around

all the time. It's hard to explain things too much because I do agree

w/a pp that the kids would probably use it against her. They are

almost out of the house, stick it out a bit longer. Let them get on

their feet. I understand that sometimes adults need to do what's

right for themselves, but I just don't think you'll get full custody

quickly enough. I'd imagine joint custody w/years of fighting about

it. In the mean time like I said they'll have to deal w/nada by

themselves. I use to wish as a kid that my parents would divorce, to

end the fighting. But my nada had me believing it was all my dad. Now

20+ years later I realize that's not quite right. He was part of it,

but definetly not all at fault. My nada is a manipulitive b**ch, and

I can't imagine how things would have been if I'd mostly grown up

w/her.

> >

> >

> >

> > OTOH, I'm not saying don't do anything. Best of all if this is

truly

> > what you want would be to divorce and get your children with you,

or

> > at least you'll have a separate home they can go(run) to. DO

share

> > with them that their mother sees the world inaccurately and that

what

> > she says about them is not the truth especially when she's

emotional

> > and angry. If even one person had validated for me that my

mother

> > was wrong in her perceptions of herself, of me, of others and

that

> > the guilt I felt about seeing those things differently was

> > unnecessary it would have made a huge difference to me.

Affirming

> > them in that way will help their identity development not to be

> > damaged like it would be otherwise. For me at least the identity

> > damage has been the most lasting scar leading into adulthood -

that

> > is most important to stop.

>

> They have asked " why does she act like this " type of questions. I

> actknowledge that she acts wrong, and let them know that I think she

> needs help, and that I have asked her to get help, but she doesn't

> think there is anything wrong. (We have quite a few people in our

> extended family that have had mental issues, so they are well aware

of

> mental illness). Is this somewhat what you mean by " validating " , to

> let them know that yes, your thoughts that she doesnt act right are

> acurate?

> >

> > Hope some of that is helpful and most of all they've got a dad

who

> > cares and knows and that is what matters.

>

>

> They mean more to me than anything and I will always be there for

> them. I have gotten better at " putting up with things " from a

personal

> point on view, but my biggest goal is to help them see what a

normal

> loving relatioship is.

>

[Guest guest]

>

> I think the decision is ultimately yours. I can't say " just leave, "

> because I do not know the severity of your wife's BPD. If she is

> abusive to the girls, yes, leave right away. If she is not abusive but

> instead high functioning, then I can relate.

> My mother is a non-diagnosed high-functioning BPD. She wants things

> her way, wants people to think her way, and feels personally attacked

> when family members want to do something their own way rather than her

> way.

This seems very simlilar to my situation, along with constant

negativity and criticism of almost everything

> My father did not leave my mother, even though he put up with more

> criticism, judgement, orders, and overall crap than I could never

> imagine. As an adult, I once asked him, " How have you done it all

> these years? " He said, " I wasn't just acting for me. There were kids -

> your brother and you - and I couldn't just leave. "

This seems to be where I am at right now too. But getting educated

enough to know there are choices. But it is SOOO hard to know what

would be best for the kids.

> Things really hit the fan with my mother and I when I was the age of

> your daughters - starting at 15, when I was beginning to date and have

> my own personality and opinions.

> It hits me with your posting that it would have been much easier if my

> dad would have pulled me aside to tell me that my mother sees the world

> differently, feels personally attacked when disagreed with, and that I

> am still allowed to become my own person. The validation of my own

> sanity would have meant the world. I think I would have been just fine

> finishing high school, then going away to college and becoming an adult

> in my own space. Looking back, that conversation would have helped a

> lot.

> In your case, I think having that conversation with your girls - even

> if you save mentioning the BPD diagnosis until they are older - would

> mean the world to them. They would know that mom doesn't hate them,

> she just doesn't know what to do or how to act when feeling

> threatened. Let them know that the problem is hers, not theirs, and

> you love them and are always there whenever they need you. They will

> then know without you even saying it that if push comes to shove, you

> are in their corner and will do whatever it takes to keep them healthy

> and safe... even if it means leaving mom.

>

> Cheryl

Thanks very much for the perspective from having been there.

DKC

>

[Guest guest]

Are you kidding me? If someone would have told me when i was 8 years

old i would have been sooooo much better off than i am now! you have

a responsibility to PROTECT your children from ABUSE (which is what

that is) and to tell them what is going on so they can understand. if

i would have at least known my mother was mentally ill i would have

not developed as many issues that i am now working through. If I were

in that situation i would get my children away from her IMMEDIATELY

and give them that book! I wish i would have had someone do that for

me when i was younger. After you get them away from the abusive

situation you can then decide with your children what kind of contact

is best for them and their mother. But first and foremost keep them

physically, emotionally and mentally safe

>

> Hello,

>

> I have been looking at more of the other WTO boards, but my reason

for

> posting here is this; I feel that my wife has BPD, but she is

> unwilling to see a doctor or go to any kind of counseling. She fits

> all the criterias but 2. My girls are 14 & 17, and I am considering

if

> we would all be better of if we seperated/divorced. They know that

> there is something " not right " but I haven't mentioned her acutally

> being mentally ill. Although they often say " shes not right " . But

then

> again we have good days too.

>

> If you all could go back to growing up with a parent with this

> illness, when do you think would have been the right time to be told

> more about what is going on? Would it be the same whether or not I

> decide to stay or leave as to when they should know? As far as if I

> decide to leave, should I get thier (kids) input about what they

think

> would be best? Are they too young to read Surviving the Borderline

( I

> have not read it myself yet)? Or are there any other books that

would

> be age appropriate to help them understand?

>

> Thanks DKC

>

[Guest guest]

>

> Hello,

>

> I have been looking at more of the other WTO boards, but my reason for

> posting here is this; I feel that my wife has BPD, but she is

> unwilling to see a doctor or go to any kind of counseling. She fits

> all the criterias but 2. My girls are 14 & 17, and I am considering if

> we would all be better of if we seperated/divorced. They know that

> there is something " not right " but I haven't mentioned her acutally

> being mentally ill. Although they often say " shes not right " . But then

> again we have good days too.

>

> If you all could go back to growing up with a parent with this

> illness, when do you think would have been the right time to be told

> more about what is going on? Would it be the same whether or not I

> decide to stay or leave as to when they should know? As far as if I

> decide to leave, should I get thier (kids) input about what they think

> would be best? Are they too young to read Surviving the Borderline ( I

> have not read it myself yet)? Or are there any other books that would

> be age appropriate to help them understand?

>

> Thanks DKC

>

Hello,

Thanks SO MUCH to all of you for your often very personal feedback.

There is so much and I am trying to digest it all.

I think what I have taken out of all of it so far is that no matter

what I decide to do, things can work out OK as long as I am there to

support them and be honest with them about how things are. I think

from what you are all saying that I need to get " more in depth " with

the girls about whats going on. Try to explain better that not only

" you are right, she doesn't always act right " but also reassure them

every chance I get that it is in know way their fault that she is that

way.

It is a fine line, because my wife is often right about " what " she has

to say or wants them to do, but it is so often how she " presents " it

or freaks out if things dont go perfect. I want to be a supporting

husband on the " what " part, but the delivery is often so far out of whack.

I feel so much for all of you who have shared your sad stories of

growing up. I had such a good stable loving upbringing that Im sorry

to say that it hadnt occured to me HOW MANY people have not. The

thought that some parents wouldn't at least somewhat stick up for

thier kids is saddening to me. My thoughts and prayers are with all of

you.

I think I will just digest all of your thoughts for a bit and keep

absorbing your wisdom.

As I have been reading all of this, the one thing that comes to mind

is the whole " make lemonaid out of lemons thing " . That hopefully by

all of you so openly sharing what was wrong, I can take it all and

make it right for at least my kids. Thank you for that gift.

DKC

[Guest guest]

>

> I apologize i did not read the thread through and now realize its

your wife. My dad divorced my mom when we were 14. He always called

her crazy but BPD was not diagnosed until 15 years later. During the

trecherous divorce, my mom used to convince us that she was depressed

and sometimes suicidal because our dad made her that way by bullying

her and such. I wish there was an official diagnosis or a name so that

we knew she was really sick not just dad really angry and calling her

nuts.

> I am not sure if the kids will take it well and they might be pretty

angry at either one of you but i think it will save them a world of

heartache if they know BPD, get familiar with it and all the symptoms.

You will be protecting them for later in life when they should be out

having their own lives and still dealing with nadas phone calls and

vast needs. If they know what is behind it they will have the courage

and the knowledge to put boundaries on her with little or no guilt.

This is one of my main goals, to figure out what would be the best way

to equip them to do this and feel good about it instead of guilty.

> I am 30 and one of the younger children of. So many of us do not get

the diagnosis until long after we have exhausted all of our resources,

gone crazy ourselves, went through years of therapy wondering is it us

or her? If you can equip your daughters early enough I think that

would make a lot of us think this forum (as hard as it is to read

sometimes) is worth it.

I know it has definetly helped me in just a few short weeks already.

> i found " Understanding the Borderline Mother " to be a tremendous help

> for me, although i was 20 or 21 when i read that, and it can be pretty

> difficult as you recognize all the signs of your life. might be ok for

> the 17 year old.

I think I will read it first and probably have her then read it too.

Thanks,

DKC

> > Hello,

> >

> > I have been looking at more of the other WTO boards, but my reason for

> > posting here is this; I feel that my wife has BPD, but she is

> > unwilling to see a doctor or go to any kind of counseling. She fits

> > all the criterias but 2. My girls are 14 & 17, and I am considering if

> > we would all be better of if we seperated/divorced. They know that

> > there is something " not right " but I haven't mentioned her acutally

> > being mentally ill. Although they often say " shes not right " . But then

> > again we have good days too.

> >

> > If you all could go back to growing up with a parent with this

> > illness, when do you think would have been the right time to be told

> > more about what is going on? Would it be the same whether or not I

> > decide to stay or leave as to when they should know? As far as if I

> > decide to leave, should I get thier (kids) input about what they think

> > would be best? Are they too young to read Surviving the Borderline ( I

> > have not read it myself yet)? Or are there any other books that would

> > be age appropriate to help them understand?

> >

> > Thanks DKC

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

>

> DKC,

>

> I am glad to help - hope my perspective as the former teen daughter

> helps. Here is my perspective as a 32 year old mother of 2 still

> dealing with my own smother-mother.

>

> After surviving high school, I went off to college, grew a lot

> emotionally by seeing all sorts of people who had lives so much

> harder than me, and grew to appreciate things that went well in my

> life - my dad, my 4 grandparents, my few but very close friends - and

> I realized that if my biggest problem was a mother who was sometimes

> very loving, but sometimes impossible to be around or love, then I

> would be okay.

>

> I think that since my mother was high-functioning, I felt like I did

> have a mother that loved me sometimes. She thrives on family. When

> she is not in her selfish, judgemental cycle, she wants to take care

> of her family. As a child, this was on her terms because that's

> pretty much how it is with small children. But as we grew and had

> our own ideas, own desires, and our own friends, this got to be too

> much for her. She wasn't the only decision maker, and this sent her

> into a tailspin.

This sounds very similar to how I perceive our family. She does have

her days when she is a good Mom in all ways, but so much more often,

it turns into chaos. It takes my thoughts back to when the kids were

small - less than 8 or 9 - she was a great mom in most ways. I think

some of her sympotms actually went away when we started having kids

and during those early years. She LOVED being preganet too. It all

seemed to give her life purpose. I think now she hates not being in

control of things the most.

>

> If my dad had left earlier and we were living alone with my mom, I

> can tell you my life would have turned out differently. Having my

> dad to turn to was often my saving grace, and it still is.

I would not even think about leaving if I didnt think I could get AT

LEAST 50-50 placement. I think the girls would definetly want to spend

at least half their time with me. We have several friends that ahve

recently divorced and do a 50-50 placement and it seems to work well

in a " normal " situation. I have thought about talking to a Lawyer to

see if they would think between the kids possible wishes and her

undiagnosed BPD what my chances of even more placement would be.

>

> Today my dad made a decision about my kids' birthday present after

> talking it over with her last night. He called to tell me this

> morning, and because my mother was not able to present it as her

> idea, she went completely unhinged on him, calling him TWICE from her

> car to yell at him about making a decision without her. In the 2nd

> call, she was so irate that she told him to NEVER BUY HER ANYTHING

> AGAIN!

I have had similar things happen in the past. But then other times

when I expected these kind of situations, they did not materialize.

Very confusing!

He called me to see if I had to endure a similar phone call.

> He wanted to know that I didn't have the anger directed at me over

> something completely out of my control. Because of our close

> relationship, we were able to talk over her current cycle of BPD and

> shake our heads about the nonsensical nature of it all, getting the

> stress off of both our shoulders and coming up with a game plan.

I hope I can maintain that close of a relationship with them

throughout their lives. You are lucky!

>

> If he were to have left her when I was a teen, I would have known

> that he felt like a " normal " life wasn't possible with her like I do

> anyway, but I would have been stuck living with her and I don't think

> that weekends only or summers only with dad would have been enough of

> a shelter from the storm or enough time to bond over the

> understanding of the disorder like we have.

>

> No, living with a high-func. BP is no picnic and at times makes you

> want to run and hide (I've done it!) but as a teen it sure helps to

> have a full-time supporter and cheering section. Thanks for being

> that for your daughters!!

>

> Cheryl

I do realize that many people on these boards have it much worse than

I do. But like you say " Its no picnic " and being the opptomistic

person that I am, I think life SHOULD be a picnic!It is too short not

to enjoy every day to the fullest and make the world we live in the

best that it can be. This disease just makes it so hard to not feel

like the energy gets sucked out of us all the time.

Thanks again,

DKC

[Guest guest]

DKC,

First, I think it's wonderful that you're caring enough to realize

that your wife may have an illness, and that you're concerned about

your children's welfare. I'm very sorry you're in this situation, but

you're dealing with it a whole lot better than a lot of people might

(my late father, for example).

I don't have children myself, but speaking from experience as a KO, I

would say do sit down and talk to them about it ASAP. Had someone told

me when I was 3 that my mother was " not right, " I might have developed

into a healthier person. As it is, that's as far back as I can

remember, and I remember the abuse even back then. As you may know,

abuse, whether emotional or otherwise profoundly affects a child's

psychological development. They think it's their fault. If you can sit

them down and explain to them about BPD, you can emphasize to them

that it's not their fault. If you can find a psychologist in your area

who specializes in BPD, perhaps you and your daughters can go for some

sessions, just to air out whatever you're feeling and perhaps learn

some coping mechanisms. Even if you divorce, odds are she will still

be in your lives to some degree or another, and it helps to learn how

to deal with a person who has BPD.

I would also try to talk to a really good lawyer who has experience in

divorce cases where one partner is mentally unfit. You'll, of course,

want to be sure that you get custody of your girls. You can probably

count on your wife to put on a song and dance for the court, painting

herself as a martyred wife and mother and you as a villain. It might

help to retain a psychologist with legal expertise as well.

As to the book, I guess that depends on your girls. It could be very

validating for them, if they're up to reading that sort of thing.

Good luck to you,

qwerty

>

> Hello,

>

> I have been looking at more of the other WTO boards, but my reason for

> posting here is this; I feel that my wife has BPD, but she is

> unwilling to see a doctor or go to any kind of counseling. She fits

> all the criterias but 2. My girls are 14 & 17, and I am considering if

> we would all be better of if we seperated/divorced. They know that

> there is something " not right " but I haven't mentioned her acutally

> being mentally ill. Although they often say " shes not right " . But then

> again we have good days too.

>

> If you all could go back to growing up with a parent with this

> illness, when do you think would have been the right time to be told

> more about what is going on? Would it be the same whether or not I

> decide to stay or leave as to when they should know? As far as if I

> decide to leave, should I get thier (kids) input about what they think

> would be best? Are they too young to read Surviving the Borderline ( I

> have not read it myself yet)? Or are there any other books that would

> be age appropriate to help them understand?

>

> Thanks DKC

>