Re: What do you do?/ self-parenting

[Guest guest]

Sylvia, that was a lovely post.

The self-parenting idea really resonated with me. I had an 'ah ha' moment

during a recent therapy session when I realized that a lot of my bizarre

perfectionist traits and propensity to be overly self- critical are incited by

the voice of a small strange, inner parent that I developed during my

adolescence. My nada stopped meeting my needs in many senses from the age of

about 14 onward. Although she provided me with food, shelter and clothing, she

didn't see me as a separate person in need of basic life skills training. I

learned about loyalty, humilty, hard work, respect, trust, boundaries, politics,

ethics, reciprocal love, money etc. from my friends and their parents. I did

manage to assemble a wonderful chosen family during high school and college but

along the way, I also absorbed immature, 15-year old notions of what it meant to

be successful and somehow allowed them to become the framework for what I

expected from myself in life.

Despite the fact that I graduated with a triple major from a great college and

from a difficult MA program magna cum laude, that I am good at my job, well

liked, a kind and loving girlfiend, a supportive friend, a decent chef and

artist etc. I continue to be plagued with feelings of inferiority and anxiety.

I always think I should be doing something better/ more impressive/ more

philathropic and that I should constantly aspire to look younger, skinnier,

happier etc. I combined my mom's unique capacity for perfection (she always

looks perfect, the house is perfect, our family's surface image was sickeningly

perfect for most of my life) with childish and unrealistic expectations for

myself and it has parlayed into me being an inwardly insecure and anxious adult.

I appreciate your thoughts Sylvia and am trying my best to encourage my inner

parent to grow up. I agree, it is a magnificient journey and I am learning to

enjoy the process of becoming completely independent, once and for all, from

nada.

smhtrain2 wrote:

many of us have dealt with this same problem. You reteach

yourself. You unlearn what she taught you, and self parent yourself

so that you feel confident in being yourself and the kind of person

you want to be. You have to want this badly enough to do the hard

work of getting over the years of conditioning from your BPD

parent. You have to truly believe that you are worth the effort.

It is a magnificent journey, and when you realize that you have

separated yourself from your BPD parent, and you are recognizing

yourself as an individual, the feeling is fantastic.

good luck to you,

sylvia

>

> I have been reading through the posts and identifying with so many

> things people bring up. It's actually kind of painful because so

> many memories are pushing their way to the forefront. But, I know

> I'm not alone in what I've gone through and that is definitely

> helpful. I have been reading UBM and am amazed at how well it

> describes my mother and myself as a child of. It is very

comforting

> to understand finally why I always felt like I had no idea who I

was

> or if I was even a real person.

>

> My question is how do you separate from her? My mother is mostly

a

> Waif with some Queen mixed in. She is at a point where she does

> nothing for herself. She is just letting herself go mentally and

> physically. I do want to move on with my life that I've worked so

> hard to create (I lost everything once before having chosen drugs

as

> a way to cope with her craziness). But how do you pull away

enough

> to have healthy distance and at the same time not feel guilty

about

> her wasting away. I hope I don't sound wishy washy, I do want to

> stand alone and not be responsible for her in any way, but I can't

> figure out how to do it emotionally. She has me trained so well

to

> clean up her messes, literally and figuratively, that I am having

> diffuculty knowing how to do it. '

>

> I know I need to learn how to set clear, firm boundaries, I'm just

> wondering if others have been in the same situation and how they

> have handled it.

>

> Thanks!

>

> L

>

---------------------------------

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[Guest guest]

Hi JoSo,

Thank you very much for your post outlying the bad

self-parenting that you've done. I share a lot of the

same traits as you. Some days are better than others

(like, I may be fat now, but I am working to change

that and what more can I do). I recently came up with

this new motivational technique which is probably

going to sound weird, but here we go. I have this big

crush on NFL quarterback Tom Brady and what I have

figured out is that as long as I am insecure, there is

no way I could possibly attract NFL QB Tom Brady, or

at least lure him away from Brazilian Supermodel

Gisele. So I am trying to figure out my positive

qualities that I would accentuate were I ever to meet

him, then think about those as the positive qualities

I might just want to consider as generally positive,

good qualities about myself. I know, it's weird. I

think it may be time to go back to therapy

So what I wanted to add to the discussion (other than

my new self-help method) was the parenting I received

from the other side. My father is very judgmental of

people and did actually expect me to be perfect. I've

been watching this all my life and recently realized

how much it affected me. For instance, last year I

was in a terrible situation financially and at a job

that paid just barely over the poverty line -- plus I

had a lot of debt. There were no prospects and I was

considering (for good reason!) changing careers. I

had thought that I might spend some time at home to

sort things out but my father told me that if I moved

back to his house I would have to pay rent and get a

job immediately since I had turned down the

opportunity to renew my contract at the low-paying job

(also, he owns the house). Obviously, this was no

help and I right away decided to not even bother and

to move to the big town down the road instead if I

needed to start over. If I moved back, I was just

going to have to hear about how I gave up on the

previous job and what was I thinking and how not

everything just works the way I want it to, etc...

This certainly wasn't the first instance. If he

disagrees with his friends, he often makes this into

some moral issue and wants nothing to do with them any

more (which leads me to wonder if my grandmother was

BPD because it's pretty close to splitting). He is

very inflexible.

So I guess my question for the group is if anyone else

had this experience from their fathers as well. I've

heard a lot of fathers who were dishrags, which mine

was to an extent. But far more difficult was the fact

that he is so judgmental. I'm kind of wondering if I

need a full reparenting for that side as well as my

mother's BPD.

Thanks,

is

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[Guest guest]

I LOVE your motivational technique. Tom Brady's not really my type, and I'd hate

to compete with you anyway ! I think I'd pick Joan Jett. I've had a crush on

her since.... well, since I can remember having crushes! Anyway, I think you've

got a great tactic there. I've been told before " oh, just think of what you like

about yourself " , but has that ever actually worked for anyone? My brain takes a

hard left every time and adds " but, you're a failure at this, or you need to

work on this " . Asking yourself a question like that kinda guides the answer.

" That I'm fat/dumb/a failure/bad daughter/lazy " could never be the answer to

'What would I like so-and-so to notice about me? " . Its like having blinders, for

the self-esteem challenged. I love it.

My father was very judgemental as well, but I didn't have to hear about it much.

The man never talks! And he avoids interacting with people at all costs, even if

those people are his children. Most of the memories I have of him are of his

closed bedroom door. But, he did have a proud look and a disappointed look.

Disappointed was the default. Proud took a lot of work on my part. Just putting

togethor a good science project wasn't enough, you had to take home a ribbon.,

things like that. Then, you'd get the proud smile, maybe a 'good job'. Sis gave

up only a couple years into elementary school. She was completely disconnected

from our father very early on. She's totally enmeshed with nada, lives less than

a mile away, but she hasn't spoken to dad in at least four years. I still e-mail

him every few months. I lived for that 'good job'. I idolized my father when I

was a little girl, like many. Nothing in the world meant more to me than his

praise. But, for

the most part he acted like sis and I didn't exist, or weren't that important,

so by the end of grade school I had given up on him. It didn't help that nada

was always making fun of me for being a daddy's girl with a dad who didn't love

or want her. If she wasn't in a rage she'd just act like it was concern. She'd

sit me down and say things like 'I'm so sorry. It must hurt you so much that he

doesn't want you.' and then hug me. NOT comforting. Then, of course he got

remarried and moved across the country when I was 15 maybe 16. I packed up his

house for him, made arrangements for the pets, all the stuff he didn't have time

for. When the moving van pulled away, he hugged me, ruffled my hair, and said

'you're a good kid'. That's it. All those years I hoped and worked for crumbs of

praise or affection, then he breaks my little teenage heart into tiny bits and

all he has to say to me is 'you're a good kid'. I think I cried for a week.

Comfort from Nada? Not a chance. She arranged to have a boob job the week before

he moved. So we had to wait on her, hand and foot, and certainly not stress her

out with that kind of stuff. Just, ugh.

Jae

Re: What do you do?/ self-parenting

Hi JoSo,

Thank you very much for your post outlying the bad

self-parenting that you've done. I share a lot of the

same traits as you. Some days are better than others

(like, I may be fat now, but I am working to change

that and what more can I do). I recently came up with

this new motivational technique which is probably

going to sound weird, but here we go. I have this big

crush on NFL quarterback Tom Brady and what I have

figured out is that as long as I am insecure, there is

no way I could possibly attract NFL QB Tom Brady, or

at least lure him away from Brazilian Supermodel

Gisele. So I am trying to figure out my positive

qualities that I would accentuate were I ever to meet

him, then think about those as the positive qualities

I might just want to consider as generally positive,

good qualities about myself. I know, it's weird. I

think it may be time to go back to therapy

So what I wanted to add to the discussion (other than

my new self-help method) was the parenting I received

from the other side. My father is very judgmental of

people and did actually expect me to be perfect. I've

been watching this all my life and recently realized

how much it affected me. For instance, last year I

was in a terrible situation financially and at a job

that paid just barely over the poverty line -- plus I

had a lot of debt. There were no prospects and I was

considering (for good reason!) changing careers. I

had thought that I might spend some time at home to

sort things out but my father told me that if I moved

back to his house I would have to pay rent and get a

job immediately since I had turned down the

opportunity to renew my contract at the low-paying job

(also, he owns the house). Obviously, this was no

help and I right away decided to not even bother and

to move to the big town down the road instead if I

needed to start over. If I moved back, I was just

going to have to hear about how I gave up on the

previous job and what was I thinking and how not

everything just works the way I want it to, etc...

This certainly wasn't the first instance. If he

disagrees with his friends, he often makes this into

some moral issue and wants nothing to do with them any

more (which leads me to wonder if my grandmother was

BPD because it's pretty close to splitting). He is

very inflexible.

So I guess my question for the group is if anyone else

had this experience from their fathers as well. I've

heard a lot of fathers who were dishrags, which mine

was to an extent. But far more difficult was the fact

that he is so judgmental. I'm kind of wondering if I

need a full reparenting for that side as well as my

mother's BPD.

Thanks,

is

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[Guest guest]

Hi Jae,

Well, I'm honored that at least one person doesn't

think my Tom Brady Motivational Technique is not

either utterly insane or utterly delusional!

Your story of grades just totally triggered one of my

favorites from my father (I had almost forgotten it!).

When I was in college, he used to see a transcript

with my grades. In one class, I had gotten 96% or

something (at my college, an A was 85% and up...and

that was a hard grade to get). My dad turned to me

and said, 'Is that the same as what everyone else

got?'

is

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[Guest guest]

is,

The Tom Brady thing made me smile. I do the same thing w/ Gosling and v.

sadly, Heath Ledger. I was soooo upset yesterday, he was always my person. So

tragic.

In response to your question about your father, it absolutely sounds as though

you will need to undo some of the strange and inflexible logic he may have

inculcated in your thinking. if he is that judgemental, it has no doubt made

you extra self-critical and self-doubting in terms of your decisions and life

choices. Also, if you're faced with the prospect of doing something he

disagrees with and then having that be twisted into a 'moral' issue, that would

automatically condition you to veil your true self with him and hide decisions

you make that he might disapprove of.

A good exercise that could help you identify some of the self-esteem and

confidence parenting you need to do for yourself would be to imagine telling

both parents (one at a time) various facts about yourself, your life, your

career, things you've hidden from them and opinions you have that you know they

would disagree with. Imagine what their reaction would be and how that would

make you feel. This will allow you to pinpoint the unhealthy reflexes you have

in your relationships and interactions with them. Once you isolate your train

of automatic responses/ reflexes that you do to protect yourself (and them, to

an extent) it will help you to have a big picture of your 'fleas'. Once you see

your fleas for what they are, you can start to undo them by simply thinking

about and confronting them logically.

The key is to develop a more self-oriented and self-protective way of making

decisions, feeling confident about them and not allowing your parents'

irrationality to affect how you feel about yourself and your life. It sounds

like a massive undertaking but even small steps feel great:)

Good luck!

doticus wrote: Hi JoSo,

Thank you very much for your post outlying the bad

self-parenting that you've done. I share a lot of the

same traits as you. Some days are better than others

(like, I may be fat now, but I am working to change

that and what more can I do). I recently came up with

this new motivational technique which is probably

going to sound weird, but here we go. I have this big

crush on NFL quarterback Tom Brady and what I have

figured out is that as long as I am insecure, there is

no way I could possibly attract NFL QB Tom Brady, or

at least lure him away from Brazilian Supermodel

Gisele. So I am trying to figure out my positive

qualities that I would accentuate were I ever to meet

him, then think about those as the positive qualities

I might just want to consider as generally positive,

good qualities about myself. I know, it's weird. I

think it may be time to go back to therapy

So what I wanted to add to the discussion (other than

my new self-help method) was the parenting I received

from the other side. My father is very judgmental of

people and did actually expect me to be perfect. I've

been watching this all my life and recently realized

how much it affected me. For instance, last year I

was in a terrible situation financially and at a job

that paid just barely over the poverty line -- plus I

had a lot of debt. There were no prospects and I was

considering (for good reason!) changing careers. I

had thought that I might spend some time at home to

sort things out but my father told me that if I moved

back to his house I would have to pay rent and get a

job immediately since I had turned down the

opportunity to renew my contract at the low-paying job

(also, he owns the house). Obviously, this was no

help and I right away decided to not even bother and

to move to the big town down the road instead if I

needed to start over. If I moved back, I was just

going to have to hear about how I gave up on the

previous job and what was I thinking and how not

everything just works the way I want it to, etc...

This certainly wasn't the first instance. If he

disagrees with his friends, he often makes this into

some moral issue and wants nothing to do with them any

more (which leads me to wonder if my grandmother was

BPD because it's pretty close to splitting). He is

very inflexible.

So I guess my question for the group is if anyone else

had this experience from their fathers as well. I've

heard a lot of fathers who were dishrags, which mine

was to an extent. But far more difficult was the fact

that he is so judgmental. I'm kind of wondering if I

need a full reparenting for that side as well as my

mother's BPD.

Thanks,

is

__________________________________________________________

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know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

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[Guest guest]

I have the feeling I've gone on about this before on this

forum...but I tried a few different therapists in my early twenties,

none of who made any impression on me at all. When I finally met

the one who changed things for me (who was, incidentally, the first

non-discount/student one), she was a Jungian psychoanalyst. I have

always had really vivid dreams, which I never attributed any

importance to. But they changed throughout therapy, and one of the

things we would do is talk about any that I didn't understand. I

was a total sceptic before, but it was absolutely the most

enlightening process I've ever been through. Now I'm really able to

measure where I am and what's threatening me by my dreams.

Of course, I guess this would be a pretty lousy approach for people

who don't like talking about their dreams! We spent a lot of time

talking about what was going on in my life, don't get me wrong. But

when you feel like what's going on inside you is hard to describe, I

find that it's really easier to let the unconscious speak for itself.

Jae, nice to see you posting here!

Sara

>

>

> > > >

> > > > I have been reading through the posts and identifying with

so

> > many

> > > > things people bring up. It's actually kind of painful

because

> so

> > > > many memories are pushing their way to the forefront. But, I

> know

> > > > I'm not alone in what I've gone through and that is

definitely

> > > > helpful. I have been reading UBM and am amazed at how well

it

> > > > describes my mother and myself as a child of. It is very

> > > comforting

> > > > to understand finally why I always felt like I had no idea

who

> I

> > > was

> > > > or if I was even a real person.

> > > >

> > > > My question is how do you separate from her? My mother is

> mostly

> > > a

> > > > Waif with some Queen mixed in. She is at a point where she

does

> > > > nothing for herself. She is just letting herself go mentally

> and

> > > > physically. I do want to move on with my life that I've

worked

> so

> > > > hard to create (I lost everything once before having chosen

> drugs

> > > as

> > > > a way to cope with her craziness). But how do you pull away

> > > enough

> > > > to have healthy distance and at the same time not feel

guilty

> > > about

> > > > her wasting away. I hope I don't sound wishy washy, I do

want

> to

> > > > stand alone and not be responsible for her in any way, but I

> > can't

> > > > figure out how to do it emotionally. She has me trained so

well

> > > to

> > > > clean up her messes, literally and figuratively, that I am

> having

> > > > diffuculty knowing how to do it. '

> > > >

> > > > I know I need to learn how to set clear, firm boundaries,

I'm

> > just

> > > > wondering if others have been in the same situation and how

> they

> > > > have handled it.

> > > >

> > > > Thanks!

> > > >

> > > > L

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > ------------ --------- --------- ---

> > > Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

I am very happy to hear of your successes with therapy and self-

parenting. You have done a remarkable job in a short amount of time

(it took me years!!!!) Kudos to you!

Sylvia

> > >

> > > I have been reading through the posts and identifying with so

> many

> > > things people bring up. It's actually kind of painful because

so

> > > many memories are pushing their way to the forefront. But, I

know

> > > I'm not alone in what I've gone through and that is definitely

> > > helpful. I have been reading UBM and am amazed at how well it

> > > describes my mother and myself as a child of. It is very

> > comforting

> > > to understand finally why I always felt like I had no idea who

I

> > was

> > > or if I was even a real person.

> > >

> > > My question is how do you separate from her? My mother is

mostly

> > a

> > > Waif with some Queen mixed in. She is at a point where she

does

> > > nothing for herself. She is just letting herself go mentally

and

> > > physically. I do want to move on with my life that I've worked

so

> > > hard to create (I lost everything once before having chosen

drugs

> > as

> > > a way to cope with her craziness). But how do you pull away

> > enough

> > > to have healthy distance and at the same time not feel guilty

> > about

> > > her wasting away. I hope I don't sound wishy washy, I do want

to

> > > stand alone and not be responsible for her in any way, but I

> can't

> > > figure out how to do it emotionally. She has me trained so

well

> > to

> > > clean up her messes, literally and figuratively, that I am

having

> > > diffuculty knowing how to do it. '

> > >

> > > I know I need to learn how to set clear, firm boundaries, I'm

> just

> > > wondering if others have been in the same situation and how

they

> > > have handled it.

> > >

> > > Thanks!

> > >

> > > L

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > ---------------------------------

> > Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your homepage.

> >

> >