Guest guest Posted January 20, 2008 Report Share Posted January 20, 2008 Hi Avesey, Yes, it is the illness talking. And you can't reason with illness. Her self-hatred is just ooozing out onto you. Stepping back further and setting a clear boundary is what seems to work best -- not logic and reasoning. I know it hurts very badly to be treated like that, but it's not about you at all -- it's all about her and her state of mind. My son had a very insightful comment once about a (probably) BPD boss that he had -- my son said " He's so miserable that it just oozes out of his mouth " . I'm reading a very helpful book: " Legacy of the Heart - The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood " by Wayne Muller. It has helped me a lot to understand more about the pain I experienced from an emotionally abusive fada. Taking it personally doesn't help me and trying to reason with him doesn't help him, so I just step backwards, after stating simply and succinctly that I won't take that kind of abuse ever again. Take time to be good to yourself, love and reassure yourself and then make the necessary steps to take care of yourself in the future. You're worth it! AZClown Hello Again - Setback I've been on this group for a while but haven't really participated for a long time. I was just reading some posts because I've had an emotional setback and I'm trying to get myself straight again. For the past two years I've done really well not reacting to my mother's comments which has allowed us to get along for the longest time I can remember. Then came the holidays and it's aftermath .. the result .. an email from my mom that just set me back. I won't bore you with the details. I noticed some of the responses suggest ignoring the written comments as they are bait (that fits). But I'm just having such a hard time keeping the esteem-shattering thoughts out of my brain. I know it's not me. I know it's the illness. I know I'm not the evil-no-good person she makes me out to be. I just need to get the thoughts out. I know it's a broad question, but how do you all cope with these setbacks? Avesey ________________________________________________________________________________\ ____ Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page. http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2008 Report Share Posted January 21, 2008 --- This sounds exactly like what happens to me. At 42, after years of dealing with her, and limited contact, I have " setbacks " when I see her in person. I reel from them and it takes me a couple of weeks to get the anxiety and guilt at bay. One thing that helps me immediately is to call one or two of my close friends, who totally get it. They listen and reassure me that she's nuts and I'm not. Then I read some self help books and try to focus on my life, my current life, and my wonderful child. It is very hard. My recent setback came after a New Year's visit, and has really prompted me to consider NC. My mother is 70 and my dad died one year ago, so I don't know if I can do that or not, but this last setback made me realize that I may have to, for my own sanity. I also " realized " (for the 500th time) during this last " argument " /trip down guilt lane with her, that there is NO REASON for me to argue with her. She simply denies things she's done that were hurtful and abusive. SHE is the victim and it is all about her. I had started seeing a therapist right before TG, and I'm finding this is helpful as well. I've been in therapy before, but somehow this is different. I've done a lot of " the work " before, but I really need to change my thinking. While it's helpful for me to consider how to handle her by setting boundaries, limiting contact, etc., at this point in my life I realize that my major battle with her is in my head. Although I'm a high functioning, " successful " person, and a good mother (Thank God), I still see myself in many ways thru her lens and the world thru her pessimism. Sorry to ramble, but your words resonated with me. I know how you feel. Joanna In WTOAdultChildren1 , " avesey69 " wrote: > > I've been on this group for a while but haven't really participated for > a long time. I was just reading some posts because I've had an > emotional setback and I'm trying to get myself straight again. For the > past two years I've done really well not reacting to my mother's > comments which has allowed us to get along for the longest time I can > remember. Then came the holidays and it's aftermath .. the result .. > an email from my mom that just set me back. I won't bore you with the > details. > > I noticed some of the responses suggest ignoring the written comments > as they are bait (that fits). But I'm just having such a hard time > keeping the esteem-shattering thoughts out of my brain. I know it's > not me. I know it's the illness. I know I'm not the evil-no-good person > she makes me out to be. I just need to get the thoughts out. I know > it's a broad question, but how do you all cope with these setbacks? > > Avesey > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 21, 2008 Report Share Posted January 21, 2008 I think there's a reason this site really heats up from November to February--holidays, family reunions and general winter blues seem to be bringing many of us on here daily (when I was home with nada for ten days on was on here about six times a day!!) The setbacks can be SO frustrating. You work and work to work through issues in therapy, try your best to be a good mom/ wife/ girlfriend/ friend and then an upsetting encounter with nada can flip your whole world inside out. My stepdad left my nada ten days ago and I'm trying, with all my might, to cling to my normal life and routines through the aftermath and to not let her hijack my consciousness yet again. She's been calling and e-mailing me constantly, she's contacted several parents of friends of mine (people she barely knows--she just wants to spread her sob story and smear stepdad), she called me at midnight last night and 5:45 am today leaving delusional, paranoid messages about how she 'knows' I'm in league with my stepdad to try to take the house from her, I just keep trying to take deep breaths, to go on walks, to force myself to sit down and read (one annoying consequence of my setbacks is that I lose my ability to concentrate for longer than a few minutes at a time), to drink tea, to post on this website, to read and contemplate books like " Understanding the Borderline Mother " , it takes an inordinate amount of time and patience but coming back to center is possible it just takes hard work and resilience--I've built mine up over time. I used to suffer setbacks constantly, the tiniest thing could trigger it, negative feedback from a boss, a particularly angsty and sad voicemail from nada etc. I now focus on the positives as much as I can, I self-reflect and talk with my friends and I often find myself faking cheerful moods until they become real. It sounds silly but it really works for me--if I force myself to laugh or talk about something small and inconsequential, it seems to get my brain back on track quickly- joannaandsophie wrote: --- This sounds exactly like what happens to me. At 42, after years of dealing with her, and limited contact, I have " setbacks " when I see her in person. I reel from them and it takes me a couple of weeks to get the anxiety and guilt at bay. One thing that helps me immediately is to call one or two of my close friends, who totally get it. They listen and reassure me that she's nuts and I'm not. Then I read some self help books and try to focus on my life, my current life, and my wonderful child. It is very hard. My recent setback came after a New Year's visit, and has really prompted me to consider NC. My mother is 70 and my dad died one year ago, so I don't know if I can do that or not, but this last setback made me realize that I may have to, for my own sanity. I also " realized " (for the 500th time) during this last " argument " /trip down guilt lane with her, that there is NO REASON for me to argue with her. She simply denies things she's done that were hurtful and abusive. SHE is the victim and it is all about her. I had started seeing a therapist right before TG, and I'm finding this is helpful as well. I've been in therapy before, but somehow this is different. I've done a lot of " the work " before, but I really need to change my thinking. While it's helpful for me to consider how to handle her by setting boundaries, limiting contact, etc., at this point in my life I realize that my major battle with her is in my head. Although I'm a high functioning, " successful " person, and a good mother (Thank God), I still see myself in many ways thru her lens and the world thru her pessimism. Sorry to ramble, but your words resonated with me. I know how you feel. Joanna In WTOAdultChildren1 , " avesey69 " wrote: > > I've been on this group for a while but haven't really participated for > a long time. I was just reading some posts because I've had an > emotional setback and I'm trying to get myself straight again. For the > past two years I've done really well not reacting to my mother's > comments which has allowed us to get along for the longest time I can > remember. Then came the holidays and it's aftermath .. the result .. > an email from my mom that just set me back. I won't bore you with the > details. > > I noticed some of the responses suggest ignoring the written comments > as they are bait (that fits). But I'm just having such a hard time > keeping the esteem-shattering thoughts out of my brain. I know it's > not me. I know it's the illness. I know I'm not the evil-no-good person > she makes me out to be. I just need to get the thoughts out. I know > it's a broad question, but how do you all cope with these setbacks? > > Avesey > --------------------------------- Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 22, 2008 Report Share Posted January 22, 2008 I know it can be very hard. The best way I have found for myself is to tell myself that I will be there with myself no matter what, no matter how intense the thoughts get. That sometimes cuts down on them a little.-- It does not help me when I tell myself I have to change or get rid of them, that puts more pressure.-- Don't know if this helps, but I wish you lots of love inside to help with the thoughts. Maureen. Hello Again - Setback I've been on this group for a while but haven't really participated for a long time. I was just reading some posts because I've had an emotional setback and I'm trying to get myself straight again. For the past two years I've done really well not reacting to my mother's comments which has allowed us to get along for the longest time I can remember. Then came the holidays and it's aftermath .. the result .. an email from my mom that just set me back. I won't bore you with the details. I noticed some of the responses suggest ignoring the written comments as they are bait (that fits). But I'm just having such a hard time keeping the esteem-shattering thoughts out of my brain. I know it's not me. I know it's the illness. I know I'm not the evil-no-good person she makes me out to be. I just need to get the thoughts out. I know it's a broad question, but how do you all cope with these setbacks? Avesey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 22, 2008 Report Share Posted January 22, 2008 I know this probably isn't the most mature thing to do, but when I endure a particularly painful incident with the Nada, I usually try to talk with some friends about it... joke if I can. If I can get with them to the point where I am joking about it (and most Nada's behavior is so completely absurd that it might be humorous in the right context)then that really helps me feel a bit better. Have you seen the show " Arrested Development " ? The main character is abused and manipulated by his family, but the show is hilarious. He is the only one who is sane, but always gets all the blame. I usually talk things out with friends until I can get a little perspective on my own, absolutely idiotic, family situation. > > I've been on this group for a while but haven't really participated for > a long time. I was just reading some posts because I've had an > emotional setback and I'm trying to get myself straight again. For the > past two years I've done really well not reacting to my mother's > comments which has allowed us to get along for the longest time I can > remember. Then came the holidays and it's aftermath .. the result .. > an email from my mom that just set me back. I won't bore you with the > details. > > I noticed some of the responses suggest ignoring the written comments > as they are bait (that fits). But I'm just having such a hard time > keeping the esteem-shattering thoughts out of my brain. I know it's > not me. I know it's the illness. I know I'm not the evil-no-good person > she makes me out to be. I just need to get the thoughts out. I know > it's a broad question, but how do you all cope with these setbacks? > > Avesey > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted January 23, 2008 Report Share Posted January 23, 2008 I think this is a very mature thing to do. You are process what happened with people who support you, and trying to make a joke of it probably alleviates some of the stress. I have to watch that show. Sylvia > > I know this probably isn't the most mature thing to do, but when I > endure a particularly painful incident with the Nada, I usually try to > talk with some friends about it... joke if I can. If I can get with > them to the point where I am joking about it (and most Nada's behavior > is so completely absurd that it might be humorous in the right > context)then that really helps me feel a bit better. > > Have you seen the show " Arrested Development " ? The main character is > abused and manipulated by his family, but the show is hilarious. He is > the only one who is sane, but always gets all the blame. I usually > talk things out with friends until I can get a little perspective on > my own, absolutely idiotic, family situation. > >..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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