Re: BPD MOM - Misery in a paperback

[Guest guest]

You can always call it fiction and tell her that 'the names have been changed to

protect the innocent'.

OR you can wait until after she's gone to publish OR you can let the chips fall

where they may. You'll be guided into right action for the highest and best of

all concerned.

AZClown

BPD MOM - Misery in a paperback

I am in the process of writing an auto-biography.

The toughest part ? How am I going to tell my BPD Mom that I'm doing

so. One of several themes in the book will be my relationship with

her. It obviously isn't going to be pretty.

Ironically enough, this quandary is the perfect example of her

control over my emotions.

In one simultaneous emotion I'm:

1. Proud (to write the book)

2. Angry (that she is has control of my emotions/life)

3. Sad (when the anger dissapates)

4. Guilt ridden (that I'm going to set her off)

5. Fearful (that she may kill herself)

6. Dumbfounded (that the central theme in my life is escaping her)

Can anyone relate to feeling all those feelings simultaneously and

convincing yourself that you're the first, only and last person on

the planet who has.

Any advice?

PS Posting/reading here has been one of the only things that has

lightened the load for me.

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

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[Guest guest]

Why do you have to tell her at all? Simply do it and when/if you decide to

publish it, then you have already written it. Worrying about what she will think

will no doubt stifle your words. I know I am making it sound easy, but why not

just act as if it is as simple as you just doing it without telling her and let

it become that?

rply415 wrote: I am in the process of writing an

auto-biography.

The toughest part ? How am I going to tell my BPD Mom that I'm doing

so. One of several themes in the book will be my relationship with

her. It obviously isn't going to be pretty.

Ironically enough, this quandary is the perfect example of her

control over my emotions.

In one simultaneous emotion I'm:

1. Proud (to write the book)

2. Angry (that she is has control of my emotions/life)

3. Sad (when the anger dissapates)

4. Guilt ridden (that I'm going to set her off)

5. Fearful (that she may kill herself)

6. Dumbfounded (that the central theme in my life is escaping her)

Can anyone relate to feeling all those feelings simultaneously and

convincing yourself that you're the first, only and last person on

the planet who has.

Any advice?

PS Posting/reading here has been one of the only things that has

lightened the load for me.

---------------------------------

Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.

[Guest guest]

First thought - why do you have to tell her? Second thought - why

not just mention it casually in conversation? I wouldn't let her

know it is a big deal to you - she will be only too happy to find

ways to rain on your parade. Best to celebrate good news and

successes with those people who care about what is best for us.

Good luck!

Sylvia

>

> I am in the process of writing an auto-biography.

>

> The toughest part ? How am I going to tell my BPD Mom that I'm

doing

> so. One of several themes in the book will be my relationship with

> her. It obviously isn't going to be pretty.

>

> Ironically enough, this quandary is the perfect example of her

> control over my emotions.

>

> In one simultaneous emotion I'm:

>

> 1. Proud (to write the book)

>

> 2. Angry (that she is has control of my emotions/life)

>

> 3. Sad (when the anger dissapates)

>

> 4. Guilt ridden (that I'm going to set her off)

>

> 5. Fearful (that she may kill herself)

>

> 6. Dumbfounded (that the central theme in my life is escaping her)

>

>

> Can anyone relate to feeling all those feelings simultaneously and

> convincing yourself that you're the first, only and last person on

> the planet who has.

>

> Any advice?

>

>

> PS Posting/reading here has been one of the only things that has

> lightened the load for me.

>

[Guest guest]

I urge you to have tact when writing about your mother. I'm a huge Bette

fan & was sickened by her daughter, BD Hyman's, lurid tales of growing up with

her BPD mom. What really angered me about her book was the timing of the

publication. Bette had just had a stroke, was elderly & infirm when the book

came out. I don't care how BPD a person is, being cruel to them doesn't solve

any problems. I don't think any good can come of humiliating your mom in public.

She's still a human being, though I am sure she can seem pretty soulless at

times. It's one thing to deal directly with your mom regarding your issues with

her & another entirely when to bitch & moan to an international audience & it

would reflect badly on you.

On a side note, I just found out that BD Hyman actually lives within walking

distance of my house! She's going to get an earful from me if she ever crosses

my path.

Just my 2 cents...

Angel

BPD MOM - Misery in a paperback

I am in the process of writing an auto-biography.

The toughest part ? How am I going to tell my BPD Mom that I'm doing

so. One of several themes in the book will be my relationship with

her. It obviously isn't going to be pretty.

Ironically enough, this quandary is the perfect example of her

control over my emotions.

In one simultaneous emotion I'm:

1. Proud (to write the book)

2. Angry (that she is has control of my emotions/life)

3. Sad (when the anger dissapates)

4. Guilt ridden (that I'm going to set her off)

5. Fearful (that she may kill herself)

6. Dumbfounded (that the central theme in my life is escaping her)

Can anyone relate to feeling all those feelings simultaneously and

convincing yourself that you're the first, only and last person on

the planet who has.

Any advice?

PS Posting/reading here has been one of the only things that has

lightened the load for me.

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Be a better friend, newshound, and

know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ

[Guest guest]

1. Why do you assume I'm going to be cruel?

2. I'm a grown son of a BPD mother. And you?

>

> I urge you to have tact when writing about your mother. I'm a huge

Bette fan & was sickened by her daughter, BD Hyman's, lurid

tales of growing up with her BPD mom. What really angered me about

her book was the timing of the publication. Bette had just had a

stroke, was elderly & infirm when the book came out. I don't care how

BPD a person is, being cruel to them doesn't solve any problems. I

don't think any good can come of humiliating your mom in public.

She's still a human being, though I am sure she can seem pretty

soulless at times. It's one thing to deal directly with your mom

regarding your issues with her & another entirely when to bitch &

moan to an international audience & it would reflect badly on you.

> On a side note, I just found out that BD Hyman actually lives

within walking distance of my house! She's going to get an earful

from me if she ever crosses my path.

> Just my 2 cents...

> Angel

>

> BPD MOM - Misery in a paperback

>

> I am in the process of writing an auto-biography.

>

> The toughest part ? How am I going to tell my BPD Mom that I'm

doing

> so. One of several themes in the book will be my relationship with

> her. It obviously isn't going to be pretty.

>

> Ironically enough, this quandary is the perfect example of her

> control over my emotions.

>

> In one simultaneous emotion I'm:

>

> 1. Proud (to write the book)

>

> 2. Angry (that she is has control of my emotions/life)

>

> 3. Sad (when the anger dissapates)

>

> 4. Guilt ridden (that I'm going to set her off)

>

> 5. Fearful (that she may kill herself)

>

> 6. Dumbfounded (that the central theme in my life is escaping her)

>

> Can anyone relate to feeling all those feelings simultaneously and

> convincing yourself that you're the first, only and last person on

> the planet who has.

>

> Any advice?

>

> PS Posting/reading here has been one of the only things that has

> lightened the load for me.

>

>

>

>

>

>

______________________________________________________________________

______________

> Be a better friend, newshound, and

> know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

1. Why tell her? I live in the same state. She'll find out the week

it comes out.

2. I mention it to her and her first set of questions will be an

attempt to see how forthright I was and how good or bad she was

portrayed. My book is forthright. This will lead to some drama. Drama

of biblical porportions. Fire and brimestone. Rivers boiling over

type drama.

3. She can't rain on my parade. She burned her last bridge with me.

All she can do is pull daggers out of her BPD arsenal as she always

does.

> >

> > I am in the process of writing an auto-biography.

> >

> > The toughest part ? How am I going to tell my BPD Mom that I'm

> doing

> > so. One of several themes in the book will be my relationship

with

> > her. It obviously isn't going to be pretty.

> >

> > Ironically enough, this quandary is the perfect example of her

> > control over my emotions.

> >

> > In one simultaneous emotion I'm:

> >

> > 1. Proud (to write the book)

> >

> > 2. Angry (that she is has control of my emotions/life)

> >

> > 3. Sad (when the anger dissapates)

> >

> > 4. Guilt ridden (that I'm going to set her off)

> >

> > 5. Fearful (that she may kill herself)

> >

> > 6. Dumbfounded (that the central theme in my life is escaping her)

> >

> >

> > Can anyone relate to feeling all those feelings simultaneously

and

> > convincing yourself that you're the first, only and last person

on

> > the planet who has.

> >

> > Any advice?

> >

> >

> > PS Posting/reading here has been one of the only things that has

> > lightened the load for me.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You have every right to tell your story -- just do it in a way that

honors your personal truth, but affects your nada in a way you can

live with.

I'm sure it will be extremely cathartic to get all of that out and on

paper.

Good luck with it -- that's awesome.

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

1. I appreciate your support and feedback but that is very easy for you

to say.

That's the whole point of my post. Either 'my story' suffers or 'mom'

suffers either way I lose.

I have a good sense of humor and many of the mindblowing tormenting

predicaments she put me in have high humor value. Those comical stories

events are the basis for a good portion of my life stories.

>

> You have every right to tell your story -- just do it in a way that

> honors your personal truth, but affects your nada in a way you can

> live with.

>

> I'm sure it will be extremely cathartic to get all of that out and on

> paper.

>

> Good luck with it -- that's awesome.

>

> -Kyla

>

[Guest guest]

---

My sister is doing the same thing. Writing it has been helpful to

her, kind of therapeutic, in a way. She's always refused to go to

therapy, and she's gotten a lot of support and validation from her

writing instructors and people in her writing group. She has also

struggled with Nada seeing this stuff in print, if it should ever be

published. She is considering maybe fictionalizing it, changing

some names, etc. At any rate, she has struggled with some of the

same feelings. I remember once, a few years ago, she was afraid

that when our parents visited, our Nada would find her writing and

get upset. I said, if she's going to get into your private stuff,

let her get her feelings hurt. Now we're thinking that if she ever

finishes it and it gets published, Nada will probably no longer be

alive.

I think you should write it. Getting it done may really help you.

You may answer your own questions at that point.

A lot of my sister's stuff is funny, too, b/c she tells it from the

point of view of a child. And a child's perspective of " why " Nada

was doing some of what she did, is sometimes pretty humorous.

Especially some of the histrionic statements she makes.

Joanna

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " rply415 " wrote:

>

> 1. I appreciate your support and feedback but that is very easy

for you

> to say.

>

> That's the whole point of my post. Either 'my story' suffers

or 'mom'

> suffers either way I lose.

>

> I have a good sense of humor and many of the mindblowing

tormenting

> predicaments she put me in have high humor value. Those comical

stories

> events are the basis for a good portion of my life stories.

>

>

>

>

> >

> > You have every right to tell your story -- just do it in a way

that

> > honors your personal truth, but affects your nada in a way you

can

> > live with.

> >

> > I'm sure it will be extremely cathartic to get all of that out

and on

> > paper.

> >

> > Good luck with it -- that's awesome.

> >

> > -Kyla

> >

>

[Guest guest]

" 1. I appreciate your support and feedback but that is very easy for

you to say. "

I'm not sure what that means. How did my post differ from you saying

what you want to say, but being able to live with how you do it?

When you post here, you're going to get a variety of viewpoints all of

which you're free to take or leave -- telling someone " that's easy for

you to say " seems to imply we've given input that wasn't asked for.

[Guest guest]

I have had this intention in the back of mind as well, but not

autobiographical, more comedic in nature! My thought was always to

publish it with a pen name rather than my real name as author. These

people are too volatile to and will react in one way or another, as

you said; there is a high liklihood they will hurt themselves or

someone as a result of public humiliation. I doubt any of us would

want to add that guilt to our baggage...

This way, if you ever WANT to tell her the truth; it's all there in

writing and she can't freak out about everyone finding out her dirty

little secrets since her name is not on there.

~Elle

> >

> > I am in the process of writing an auto-biography.

> >

> > The toughest part ? How am I going to tell my BPD Mom that I'm

> doing

> > so. One of several themes in the book will be my relationship

with

> > her. It obviously isn't going to be pretty.

> >

> > Ironically enough, this quandary is the perfect example of her

> > control over my emotions.

> >

> > In one simultaneous emotion I'm:

> >

> > 1. Proud (to write the book)

> >

> > 2. Angry (that she is has control of my emotions/life)

> >

> > 3. Sad (when the anger dissapates)

> >

> > 4. Guilt ridden (that I'm going to set her off)

> >

> > 5. Fearful (that she may kill herself)

> >

> > 6. Dumbfounded (that the central theme in my life is escaping her)

> >

> >

> > Can anyone relate to feeling all those feelings simultaneously

and

> > convincing yourself that you're the first, only and last person

on

> > the planet who has.

> >

> > Any advice?

> >

> >

> > PS Posting/reading here has been one of the only things that has

> > lightened the load for me.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I've had plans, and half a synopsis, for a book about my relationship with nada

for years. I've never gotten very far, it tends to be too upsetting and I have

to stop for a while. It has gotten easier as my recovery's progressed, though.

But, I definitely know the title! It'll be called " I Eat in Secret " . She said

once that I was fat because I eat in secret, in the most concerned, maternal

tone possible, of course. But I'm a size 4!! The biggest I've ever been is an 8.

She was just so worried, thinking I had boxes of cookies under my mattress and

chocolate in the closet (she gave these specific examples) and as soon as no one

would notice, I was racing to my bedroom and pigging out on these sweets. At the

time, I was so broke I could barely buy groceries. I could only afford to eat

once a day, maybe twice! Where was the money for this massive amount of treats I

was supposedly ingesting? My sister mentioned it around my friends one day and

they got a great laugh out of it. They still bring it up occasionally. It seemed

a fitting title for the absurdity of a BPD.

Jae

Re: BPD MOM - Misery in a paperback

I have had this intention in the back of mind as well, but not

autobiographical, more comedic in nature! My thought was always to

publish it with a pen name rather than my real name as author. These

people are too volatile to and will react in one way or another, as

you said; there is a high liklihood they will hurt themselves or

someone as a result of public humiliation. I doubt any of us would

want to add that guilt to our baggage...

This way, if you ever WANT to tell her the truth; it's all there in

writing and she can't freak out about everyone finding out her dirty

little secrets since her name is not on there.

~Elle

> >

> > I am in the process of writing an auto-biography.

> >

> > The toughest part ? How am I going to tell my BPD Mom that I'm

> doing

> > so. One of several themes in the book will be my relationship

with

> > her. It obviously isn't going to be pretty.

> >

> > Ironically enough, this quandary is the perfect example of her

> > control over my emotions.

> >

> > In one simultaneous emotion I'm:

> >

> > 1. Proud (to write the book)

> >

> > 2. Angry (that she is has control of my emotions/life)

> >

> > 3. Sad (when the anger dissapates)

> >

> > 4. Guilt ridden (that I'm going to set her off)

> >

> > 5. Fearful (that she may kill herself)

> >

> > 6. Dumbfounded (that the central theme in my life is escaping her)

> >

> >

> > Can anyone relate to feeling all those feelings simultaneously

and

> > convincing yourself that you're the first, only and last person

on

> > the planet who has.

> >

> > Any advice?

> >

> >

> > PS Posting/reading here has been one of the only things that has

> > lightened the load for me.

> >

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Be a better friend, newshound, and

know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

http://mobile.yahoo.com/;_ylt=Ahu06i62sR8HDtDypao8Wcj9tAcJ

[Guest guest]

Good threat, so many people with similar feelings. I wanted to be a

writer but chickened out of it. I was afraid of having my work

rejected, but more afraid that it would be published and *she* would

read it. Not that it would necessarily be about her - but isn't it

always about them? I'd say something she disagreed with, or that

she could imagine was about her, and she'd get mad. And really, she

probably wouldn't even read it unless I brought it to her

attention. Then she might just be all thrilled that I was

published, and brag about it without ever looking at it. I have

decided not to let fear of one potential critic stop me any more.

>

> I have had this intention in the back of mind as well, but not

> autobiographical, more comedic in nature! My thought was always

to

> publish it with a pen name rather than my real name as author.

These

> people are too volatile to and will react in one way or another,

as

> you said; there is a high liklihood they will hurt themselves or

> someone as a result of public humiliation. I doubt any of us would

> want to add that guilt to our baggage...

>

> This way, if you ever WANT to tell her the truth; it's all there

in

> writing and she can't freak out about everyone finding out her

dirty

> little secrets since her name is not on there.

> ~Elle

>

>

[Guest guest]

OMG I had the same exact thought. Thought about writing then thought

that my mother would read it and anything I wrote had to be " mother

free " or it would all be about HER and she'd also analyze the fiction

as to what it said about me and my thoughts and what I was hiding and

by then I was like, " Oh forget it. "

>

I wanted to be a

> writer but chickened out of it. I was afraid of having my work

> rejected, but more afraid that it would be published and *she* would

> read it.

>

[Guest guest]

I'm clearly frustrated by my predicament. I really don't think I'll be

able to write it properly and " be able to live with how I do it " .

All it will take is me including 1 not so flattering event about her

and she'll be on the phone yelling at me.

If I was implying anything it was that I'm surprised you have that

opinion.

Why would I take the time to ruin a great " R " rated book by watering

down it to a " G " rating?

That's not cathartic. That's business as usual.

>

> " 1. I appreciate your support and feedback but that is very easy for

> you to say. "

>

> I'm not sure what that means. How did my post differ from you saying

> what you want to say, but being able to live with how you do it?

>

> When you post here, you're going to get a variety of viewpoints all

of

> which you're free to take or leave -- telling someone " that's easy

for

> you to say " seems to imply we've given input that wasn't asked for.

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sick of living in fear of her.

In my situation, even if I wrote it under a pen name and changed all

the names she would stumble on it eventually and figure it out.

I live in a major metropolatin city and she loves reading auto-

biographies from our city. I refuse to change the locale. It would

lobotomize my story.

Better yet a friend or family member would forget to censor

themselves around her and mention my book and it's title.

> >

> > I have had this intention in the back of mind as well, but not

> > autobiographical, more comedic in nature! My thought was always

> to

> > publish it with a pen name rather than my real name as author.

> These

> > people are too volatile to and will react in one way or another,

> as

> > you said; there is a high liklihood they will hurt themselves or

> > someone as a result of public humiliation. I doubt any of us

would

> > want to add that guilt to our baggage...

> >

> > This way, if you ever WANT to tell her the truth; it's all there

> in

> > writing and she can't freak out about everyone finding out her

> dirty

> > little secrets since her name is not on there.

> > ~Elle

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Is your current relationship any guide to how you can handle this?

For example, do you already have some boundaries in place for what

you will do if she starts with the drama? If you do, then of

course, use those same boundaries. If you don't, what about setting

some up now, so that you can use them when your book does come out.

I do understand the conflicting emotions. But since you are writing

this autobiography, and you are being forthright, I am assuming you

think this is important enough to you to deal with nada and the

drama. Am I right about this? If I am, do you think it would be

better for you to tell her about it, and get it over with - than to

be constantly worried about what will happen when she finds out.

Tell her - and then you'll know what happens - and you will be able

to deal with it!

Good luck,

Sylvia

> > >

> > > I am in the process of writing an auto-biography.

> > >

> > > The toughest part ? How am I going to tell my BPD Mom that I'm

> > doing

> > > so. One of several themes in the book will be my relationship

> with

> > > her. It obviously isn't going to be pretty.

> > >

> > > Ironically enough, this quandary is the perfect example of her

> > > control over my emotions.

> > >

> > > In one simultaneous emotion I'm:

> > >

> > > 1. Proud (to write the book)

> > >

> > > 2. Angry (that she is has control of my emotions/life)

> > >

> > > 3. Sad (when the anger dissapates)

> > >

> > > 4. Guilt ridden (that I'm going to set her off)

> > >

> > > 5. Fearful (that she may kill herself)

> > >

> > > 6. Dumbfounded (that the central theme in my life is escaping

her)

> > >

> > >

> > > Can anyone relate to feeling all those feelings simultaneously

> and

> > > convincing yourself that you're the first, only and last

person

> on

> > > the planet who has.

> > >

> > > Any advice?

> > >

> > >

> > > PS Posting/reading here has been one of the only things that

has

> > > lightened the load for me.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Please see my comments within your post, surrounded by *****'s. I

am keeping in mind that I don't know that much about your current

situation with your nada.

>

> I'm clearly frustrated by my predicament. I really don't think

I'll be

> able to write it properly and " be able to live with how I do it " .

*****If you feel this way, then perhaps you are not ready to write

and publish your story.*****

>

> All it will take is me including 1 not so flattering event about

her

> and she'll be on the phone yelling at me.

*****This is where your boundaries come in. NO ONE has the right to

call you and yell at you, not even a parent. But it is up to the KO

to set and follow through with the boundaries. My personal favorite

in telephone rages is " I can see this is too difficult for you to

discuss right now. We can talk at another time when you are feeling

better. " CLICK*****

>

> If I was implying anything it was that I'm surprised you have that

> opinion.

>

> Why would I take the time to ruin a great " R " rated book by

watering

> down it to a " G " rating?

*****I guess because of what you wrote at the beginning of your

post: I really don't think I'll be

> able to write it properly and " be able to live with how I do

it " .*****

>

> That's not cathartic. That's business as usual.

*****Why are you writing an autobiography that you want published?

If it is catharsis, you can do that without the publishing. If you

believe the stories will make a good read, and you want to share it

with the world, then by all means do so. But you will have to deal

with nada. I don't see how you can expect to write your story your

way, and not have her be upset. She is a nada, after all! You are

dealing with a person who probably isn't ever very happy about what

you do, and now you are going to put her under public scrutiny. I

would be quite surprised if she saw the humor in those stories!

That is what I see as the reality of your situation. When one

choice is made (to write your story), another choice has to be

abandoned (to keep peace with nada). I don't think you can have a

win-win situation with a nada.

Sylvia

>

>

........

[Guest guest]

Unless you have a book deal in the works, write the raw version,

pour it all out. No law says you have to broadcast it yet.

-Kyla

> >

> > " 1. I appreciate your support and feedback but that is very easy

for

> > you to say. "

> >

> > I'm not sure what that means. How did my post differ from you

saying

> > what you want to say, but being able to live with how you do it?

> >

> > When you post here, you're going to get a variety of viewpoints

all

> of

> > which you're free to take or leave -- telling someone " that's

easy

> for

> > you to say " seems to imply we've given input that wasn't asked

for.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Please let us know how you finally decide to tell your nada about your

book.

Sylvia

>

> Oh, I'm ready to publish. The draft is almost complete.

>

.......

[Guest guest]

I definitely will. Do any of you folks check out the google Non-BPD

group?

> >

> > Oh, I'm ready to publish. The draft is almost complete.

> >

> ......

>