Guest guest Posted May 9, 2008 Report Share Posted May 9, 2008 ((((Hugs)))) to you and your husband. That was such a valiant act of his. I know now that I know now what this bpd stuff is and how it has affected me in my life my sole goal in these interactions is keeping my dignity. It sounds you all handled yourselves in an incredibly dignified manner, in a situation that would push most people over the edge. You are so right about the etiquette thing, and society not embracing bpd/npd. We are supposed to see people as good/bad, rather than healthy vs. other-destructive (that is a term a friend in recovery gave me...we talk so much about 'self-destructive' behavior and she mentioned that term one time and I have used it every since). I think our society is almost too scared to admit there are people that are so disturbed that can't be fixed, that are functional. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 10, 2008 Report Share Posted May 10, 2008 --- Bunny, So sorry to hear about the loss of your son...your whole post was quite enlightening. I know I have experienced with nada some moments in public that were so inappropriate. We can't change what happened, but we can change the future. I know my rules of etiquette will be so much different. Thanks for sharing, Malinda In WTOAdultChildren1 , " Girlscout Cowboy " wrote: > > Oh Bunny, I didn't know you lost a son. I'm sorry babe. Lemme know if you > want to talk about it off line, maybe we should get a thread going about BPD > and death. My brother died. . . long story > > Your point about etiquette is interesting. My BPD ex-mother in law did > something simliar to reviewing the " sign in book " after my wedding. She > wasn't invited to see us open the gifts because she was such a b*tch at the > wedding but showed up anyway, got out her notebook, and started her personal > tally of my family vs his family and dollar values. I can actually still > feel the rage when I think about it. Unforgivable in front of about 15 > family and friends. > > Anyhoo, I've written my own etiquette book. I am NC with the entire small > town where I grew up you see, because everyone talks to everyone else and my > Nada has destroyed, desicrated and mutilated me and my reputation to the > people that I knew behind my back. So, if I get an invite, I send a polite > decline and note. having a wedding? I send a gift card. No one has died yet > since I went NC, but when my grandmother dies, I intend to simply send > flowers, probably to the funeral home for her coffin, since I don't give a > shit what my family thinks. And I will have a private and personal ceremony > for myself - alone. Probably a walk in the canyon where I will say goodbye. > > I guess my point is that NC has taught me that the real world, my world can > be so so so much bigger than her world ever was, and that I can know people > who have never met my mother and that I will make a life that includes only > people who my mother doesn't speak to, because if she meets someone I care > about, she will get them alone and verbally destroy me with her lies. > > thanks for your post, gs > > > > > > > I'm bringing this up only half seriously but after reading these boards > > and > > a recent conversation with a family member I have not seen in a very long > > time got me to thinking that an " etiquette " book for us KO's is almost > > becoming a necessity. (nudge-nudge Randi if you are reading) Take for > > instance a scenario which was brought up recently...attending family > > events. The last one I read about was about a funeral, so let's go with > > that one. If you have a family member who dies and you are NC with nada > > what is the proper procedure?....how about if a restraining order is > > involved? (I actually have the answer to that one, I will share it at the > > end)...I mean, we all know what the end result is going to be....nada > > trashing us again because no matter WHAT we decide it will be the WRONG > > decision in her eyes. I'm not talking morally...I'm talking strictly about > > etiquette. Surely there must be SOMETHING out there that we can use to > > help us make an informed decision. There are books and books that describe > > how to dress for weddings...casual, black tie, white tie, dressy casual. > > And the books are the thickness of war and peace. One book I picked up once > > actually had an entire chapter describing the proper technique on how to > > excuse yourself to use the bathroom...from a wealth of situations...from a > > dinner setting, a casual conversation, sitting in the movies...and the > > information was precise too...when it is proper to say " I beg your pardon " > > vs. " Begging your pardon " vs. " Pardon me " . Now the reason why nothing > > exists is quite obvious....because BPD hasn't even been fully embraced by > > the psychological community, let alone society...so I recognize the > > rhetorical question as to WHY....which makes this board even more > > important, > > because we understand each other here and don't have to explain. We can > > simply type something to the effect of " grandpa died which means I'm going > > to have to deal with nada all weekend, any advice? " , without going into a > > long explanation to someone who is going to be looking at you the entire > > time as if you have 2 heads and then of course taking the risk of them > > judging you later to be either insane, insanely cruel or both. > > > > The conversation I had with my cousin (the long lost relative) was actually > > quite informative. I hadn't seen him in probably 20 years and he is nada's > > age. He hugged me and said " oh i'm so sorry about Aunt Zoll " (Meaning Aunt > > Zollie...my grandmother who died back in 2003.) I hugged him and said thank > > you and he began to go into explanation as to why he did not attend any of > > the services. I stopped him and say " Ray...honestly...I know you loved her, > > she loved you, you don't owe me any explanation " . He smiled and said " oh > > good...your mom got the card then " . Our chatter continued and we parted > > ways and then the old light bulb went off over my head. Now before I get > > too off topic I should explain 2 things. First, my cousin and his mother > > are NC. Secondly it has been said too many times to count that nada and my > > aunt (mother to the cousin this pertains to) are EXACTLY alike. I've never > > seen the connection, but if it is true than the NC between my cousin and > > his > > mother makes PERFECT sense. But the remark he made " oh good, then your > > mother got the card " just kept playing over and over in my head. Because > > since my grandmothers passing this same cousin has been placed on nada's > > " you are dead to me " list. She has kvetched almost on a daily basis about > > what a jack ass this cousin is for not going to my grandmother's funeral > > and > > we have ALL been reminded that NONE of us are speaking to him. The card > > thing ate at me, and ate at me so I finally asked my Aunt (nada's sister) > > about it. She very casually said " oh yeah, that...he sent a card and > > flowers but your mother had them thrown out. " Which makes nada's statement > > an out right LIE!!! As it turns out, his card explained exactly what I > > somehow knew at the time...my grandmother was his mother's sister. While he > > loved my grandmother dearly, he recognized that she was his mother's sister > > and she should be able to attend all of the services without any potential > > blow-up at the result of my cousin showing up. (Which is exactly what would > > have happened). Basically, he recognized that his mother's relationship...a > > sister to the deceased...was closer than his relationship...nephew of the > > deceased and he decided that in order to show his respect to our family he > > would keep his distance to allow the mourning process to proceed > > peacefully. > > (Which I can see is a very self-less and difficult thing to do, something > > nada would never understand.) > > > > So this is my first " etiquette " entry for our potential future " etiquette " > > for KO's book- Regarding weddings or funerals, if nada/fada's relationship > > " outranks " yours with the person involved, it is probably best to keep a > > healthy distance from the event so that nada/fada can attend, but make sure > > to send the person or family a gift and note explaining (if they know about > > the rift) that you would have loved to attend but wanted to make sure the > > focus of the event was in it's proper place. > > > > About the earlier entry...regarding the order of protection...if it is a > > funeral, it is entirely appropriate to get in touch with the funeral parlor > > explain about the protection order and ask about a very brief private > > viewing (customarily appropriate at the END of viewing hours). After > > checking with the family, most funeral parlors will be happy to do this, > > since they want the service to be as peaceful and professional as private. > > The key is to expect and request a BRIEF visit. (Brief meaning 5 minutes or > > less) You will be going to pay your respects, say a brief prayer and move > > on...not conduct a ceremony. Not sure what the law is regarding > > weddings...but there is definitely more " wiggle " room there to spend with > > the bride and groom. > > > > Just some dark humor about my Tool of a nada who was just so " insulted " at > > (what turns out to be a fabrication) the lack of attendance of my cousin. I > > was in the limo. with her when we made the trip from the church to the > > grave > > yard. She actually brought the " sign-in " book from my grandfather's funeral > > (20 years prior) and first compared the number of people who attended then > > spent the rest of the trip comparing who came to my grand- father's funeral > > vs. who attended my grandmother's funeral! We are on our way to the > > cemetery and nada is taking roll, and my aunt is passing out jewelry just > > taken off of my grandmother's body and telling everyone why they do or do > > not deserve each piece.! I sat there just dumbfounded. When we arrived at > > the cemetery I found that nada so graciously went to great lengths to make > > sure the chairs reserved for myself, my husband and my children were placed > > directly on top of my son's grave! I sat down, looked down at the ground > > and found myself staring at the memorial stone for my son. I guess my Aunt > > thought it would cheer me up to take that opportunity to casually take my > > hand and slip my grandmother's " grandmother ring " on my finger. To which I > > promptly removed it and handed it to my daughter...the ring was still > > friggin' COLD!!! (And remains too cold still for any of us to wear) I stood > > up, moved the chairs off of my son's grave, asked the people in attendance > > to avoid his grave, approached my grandmother's casket, kissed it, said > > good-bye and went back to the limo. with my kids in tow. My husband stayed > > aside. Standing at the head of my son's grave, weeping....but he stood > > there > > with his hands folded in front of him and guarded my son's grave like a > > bouncer at a club. > > > > This is why there could never be a book of etiquette for those with > > BPD....my only request is, if we do someday get a book like that written, > > it > > be large enough that we can hit them with it and do some damage! > > > > Kisses and Nibbles, > > Bunny > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 10, 2008 Report Share Posted May 10, 2008 Angel, LOL. As always, you save your best for last! Carla > This is why there could never be a book of etiquette for those with > BPD....my only request is, if we do someday get a book like that written, it > be large enough that we can hit them with it and do some damage! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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