HELP

June 5, 2002

thank you ingy,

for taking the time to answer me, love ya judy

June 6, 2002

> Can anyone help I am really unsure on how to use this

> sight to chat with ya'll?I have already had my consult

> & will be scheduling my TR next week! anyone who needs

> a BUDDY for the month of June or July please feel free

> to email me personally feeffie28@y... I would

> really like to learn to use this sight I have lots of

> questions about charting,clomid,recovery time, & I

> wanted to send best wishes to any of you who are pg. &

> would like to hear your story! I am 28 & have two

> children from a previous marriage, I have been with my

> husband for almost five years & we are ready to have a

> baby!He really wants a boy so any tips on having boys

> are very welcome! Thanks to all of you for such an

> inspiring sight

> EFFIE

>

> _Effie, I e-mailed you privately but in case you did not get it, Im

writing here for you too. I wanted to tell you that Im all scheduled

to have my TR with Dr. Levin June 27 and my TR buddy just had to

cancel on me this week do to some life changes. If you can do it June

27 (3 1/2 weeks from now) get with me asap and we can figure this

out!!

Doni sbobbydoni@...

_________________________________________________

>

June 6, 2002

Welcome Effie! You seem to have figured out how to use the site quite well. I

don't think that too many use the chat section just email. Good Luck on your

TR(I just had mine done April 1st)

in MI

HELP

Can anyone help I am really unsure on how to use this

sight to chat with ya'll?I have already had my consult

& will be scheduling my TR next week! anyone who needs

a BUDDY for the month of June or July please feel free

to email me personally feeffie28@... I would

really like to learn to use this sight I have lots of

questions about charting,clomid,recovery time, & I

wanted to send best wishes to any of you who are pg. &

would like to hear your story! I am 28 & have two

children from a previous marriage, I have been with my

husband for almost five years & we are ready to have a

baby!He really wants a boy so any tips on having boys

are very welcome! Thanks to all of you for such an

inspiring sight

EFFIE

__________________________________________________

March 11, 2008

Hi again,

The lidocaine injections into the fibro trigger points are giving me

no relief. 100 mcg of Fentanyl get me to work, if I take Skelaxin and

Tylenol with it, but I go to work and come home and lay down. That is

all I do. Everything hurts and the pain that goes from my back into

my chest is killing me.

They have now added Cymbalta for a week at night. Then we increase to 1

in am and 1 in pm. So far no help. I am really having problems

getting around and doing what I need to do.

The neurologist suggested that the weight loss surgery may be a

contributing factor to the pain. I don't know anymore since I take

blood tests all the time and don't see any problems in the results. I

did have low iron in the past, and had infusions to take care of it.

Any suggestions? Please email me privately. I have a hard time on

the computer checking the websites, posting and responding. Hands are

terribly painful lately.

Thanks.

Michele

June 27, 2008

I'm just astounded by the similarities I continue to find in

everyone's posts to my situation. I can completely relate to

being " sucked in " by my mother. When she wants to, she can appear to

be incredibly loving. In fact, she often goes so overboard that it's

sickening. Then, on a dime, she is cruel and ruthless. Then, just as

quickly, she's back to telling me that I'm her world. Disgusting.

Sad thing is, sometimes I fall for it and let her convince me that

she's making an effort to understand where I'm coming from. I am at a

place right now where it is vital that I stand my ground. I'm in the

process of taking " custody " of my 95 year old grandmother. She's

lived with my mom for the last 8 years and I just can't have her

living the last days of her life in such misery. For a while, my mom

seemed committed to taking care of her but now she just ignores her

except when she uses her as a sounding board for her vicious

complaints about me and my step-dad. However, to hear my mother's

side of it, she's a dedicated and loving daughter, wife and mother.

I'm also dealing with how to put distance between her and my children

(2 sons, age 21 and 16, and a little girl, 5 months) without hurting

them and destroying their sense of " family " in the process.

bethdibella wrote:

" ...having my children has brought me IMMENSE JOY!! By mothering

them I have been able to significantly heal my wounds, and create a

loving world for myself. "

I so agree! Having my children has not only brought me tremendous joy

but has also offered me the opportunity to try and do things " right. "

I can honestly say that most of my parenting decisions have been made

by either comparing them to what my mother did or what I felt she

would have done and then doing the opposite. In fact, when my boys

were little she would often advise me to take care of myself and not

to overdo it when I would volunteer in their schools, etc. That would

provide me with the reassurance that I was probably exerting the

right amount of energy and effort on these activities. Of course, my

mother makes it her life's work to " rest " and take care of herself.

She's always recovering from some type of physical illness or

emotional trauma. This has always left little time for mothering. I

work hard to make sure my kids know they're first in my life, and it

helps me in the process.

Thanks for the opportunity to vent. I guess the only advice I have

is enjoy that little boy!!! She can't take that away from you! My

heart goes out to you. I too am so thankful to have found this group.

June 27, 2008

> Of course, my

> mother makes it her life's work to " rest " and take care of herself.

> She's always recovering from some type of physical illness or

> emotional trauma. This has always left little time for mothering.

man, this is so my experience. my mom would come home from work and

completely ignore me. she would lock herself in her room or in the

bathroom and i had to take care of my little sisters. even now, she's

always so tired. she never gets enough sleep. wtf? she's in bed ALL

THE TIME!!!

the thing is, she's not taking care of herself AT ALL! she needs to

go pursue some hobbies and rebuild a freaking life.

bink

June 28, 2008

I understand your frustration. I have not had any contact with my mom

who has BPD in over 5 years. It has been one of the hardest, but BY

FAR, best decisions I have ever made. I grew up with the same story

as everyone else. My mom was hateful, jealous and unpredictable. She

got married 3 times when I lived with her. (I believe she has been

married at least 2 more times in the last 5 years) One husband I

don't even remember his name! My parents got a divorce when I was

nine. My sister is 4 1/2 years older than I am. She wanted to live

with my dad, so I lived with my mom. I was, therefore, the " good "

child and my sister was the " bad " one. My mom liked showing me off,

but made a point to tell me I needed to find a man because my looks

would fade and I would never be able to support myself (this started

as early as 9). I am 29 years old and finally in a good place. Drama

is no longer the main part of my life. I am not mad nor do I hate my

mom. I hope nothing but happiness and love for her. I just choose to

never let her in my life again. She still will try to manipulate her

way into my life, but it is not an option to let her in. My mom has

gone to other family members and complained on how selfish and awful

my sister and I are for cutting off contact. Most of my family have

no idea what my mom is like or that she has BPD. In time, I hope that

will change, but the most important thing is that she is out of my

life and I am as healthy as I have ever been. I had no idea there

were other people out there who have dealt with the same things as my

sister and I have. I didn't even know what BPD was until a couple of

years ago. It is a great feeling to know you are not alone,

exaggerating and/or crazy!! Thank you all for your strength and

courage. Anyone who has lived through this and can be semi-functional

is amazing. We all need a hug and a pat on the back for all we have

lived through!!!!!

>

> I have had very little contact with my mother who has the traits of

> bpd in over a year. When I was pregnant with my first child (he is

> now a year old)she really began to poor her controlling nature on

> hard and heavy and I came to the end of my rope. She has said

awful

> things and emotionally beat me up and played with my head this last

> year. I told her she needed to stop the behaviors that go along

with

> trying to control me (this was before I knew about bpd). She has

> been trying to weasel her way back into my life but not wanting to

> address the possibility that she might be controlling. She has

> called lately leaving very friendly, kind, messages. She recently

> wrote me a letter apologizing for anything she has done to offend

me

> and has assured me she never meant anything but good for me. She

> said she would like to have a relationship with me and to put

> everything in the past and not discuss it anymore. I got sucked in

> and wrote her back. In a very loving letter I told her about the

> book SWOE and told her how helpful it was to me and I thought it

> would be helpful to her (since she has opened up from time to time

> telling me of the abandonment and rejection she felt from her

parents

> growing up). She emailed me back-informing me that I don't have a

> clue who she is, and I will never, because I am not willing to

> communicate and listen to her. But she would still like to have

some

> kind of relationship with short visits. She emailed me again when

I

> didn't respond - and told me how wonderful her life is going. She

> gloated on the fact that she " now " has a great relationship with my

> brother and his wife (which I find disgusting being that my brother

> and sis - n- law stab her in the back all the time). She told me

> how she teaches Sunday school, " now " has a great relationship with

> her husband, she just recently had two adorable little children at

> her home to visit (I know she is trying to make me jealous because

> she is not apart of my son's life). She listed off several more

> wonderful relationships she has. Pretty much informed me of how

well

> she's got it together. I am disgusted! She makes me sick! It

makes

> me sick because she is probably telling everyone how awful I've

been,

> and she is just glowing to everyone around her with

her " fakeness " .

> Since she wrote that first letter it has consumed me. I feel once

> again emotionally beaten down and I could just kick myself for it.

> It has taken time and energy away from my husband and baby boy and

> that makes me angry. I just sent an email to her last night

telling

> her unless she gets help I will not have any (any!) contact with

> her. But the disgusting part is she will eventually contact me

again

> and I need to be strong enough to stick to my guns.

>

> I feel like I can't get away from her. It is somewhat depressing

and

> discouraging to think I have to live with this for the rest of my

> life. I wish I could just block her out of my life and dwell on

all

> the wonderful stuff I have and have been blessed with in my life.

I

> am going to get rid of the email address I set up specifically for

> her. I will continue to avoid her phone calls when I see her

number.

> (but why? do I have to even see her number and be reminded of her?)

>

> Anyway, I am soooo angry and frustrated. If she never gets help

then

> I will not see her, write her, or talk to her again.

>

> Thanks to all of you for being apart of this group and supporting

me

> and one another. I'm so thankful for this and all of you.

>

> If anyone has any words of encouragement, understanding, advice,

I'd

> love to hear it.

>

> Thanks!

>

June 28, 2008

You completely hit the nail on the head about the illness part. My

mother ALWAYS claims to have something or another " wrong " with her.

She even makes up diagnosis as she goes along. It is like she is

trying to compete with my handicapped son who has had over 20

surgeries. She has no empathy, sympathy or compassion for what my

family (the four of us) goes through. If it wasn't for my sister and

her husband I know I would be insane. Just one quick example of how

morphed her view on life is. My son was care flighted from our

little town to a big pediatric hospital one day before Easter. He was

placed on a vent in ICU for 5 days and had a line placed in his

arterial line he spent a total of 12 days in the hospital with heart

failure, blood pressure issues and fevers. She NEVER even came to see

him. She lives about 4 hours from the hospital and she never came. I

have later tried to tell her how hurt I was and her response is " He

just had the flu get over it " . My son almost died and she wasn't

there for me. If it was my daughter she would have been there. My son

has Down Syndrome so he can't be manipulated, lied to, guilted or

bought so she doesn't even try to be in his life. My poor daughter

doesn't understand why Grandma can't love them both equally. Of

course I have tried to point this out to her to no avail or her

screaming at me at the top of her lungs about how my life would be

better off if she was dead. I am so sick of hearing the whole woe is

me stuff. I am not trying to say that my life is bad but it is hard

and I just can't take her emotional baggage anymore. My husband and I

are preparing to send a letter to all of my " family " and telling them

and my mom that she is not a victim and we not longer want to be

apart of this circus. I know that it will be hard but I feel that I

am majorily failing as a wife and mother because I am constantly

getting sucked into another story of her life. I have to stop

thinking that one day she is going to say I want to be a good mom and

grandmother. She just lies and lies and I really think that she

believes her own lies. Does anyone have any suggestions on what to

say to her?

> " ...having my children has brought me IMMENSE JOY!! By mothering

> them I have been able to significantly heal my wounds, and create

a

> loving world for myself. "

>

> I so agree! Having my children has not only brought me tremendous

joy

> but has also offered me the opportunity to try and do

things " right. "

> I can honestly say that most of my parenting decisions have been

made

> by either comparing them to what my mother did or what I felt she

> would have done and then doing the opposite. In fact, when my boys

> were little she would often advise me to take care of myself and

not

> to overdo it when I would volunteer in their schools, etc. That

would

> provide me with the reassurance that I was probably exerting the

> right amount of energy and effort on these activities. Of course,

my

> mother makes it her life's work to " rest " and take care of herself.

> She's always recovering from some type of physical illness or

> emotional trauma. This has always left little time for mothering. I

> work hard to make sure my kids know they're first in my life, and

it

> helps me in the process.

>

> Thanks for the opportunity to vent. I guess the only advice I have

> is enjoy that little boy!!! She can't take that away from you! My

> heart goes out to you. I too am so thankful to have found this

group.

>

June 28, 2008

Everything you said- mine too!! She spends all of her time " getting

well " while she's actually just getting sicker by sitting around all

time. So frustrating. Mine also spends a great deal of time and energy

diagnosing others and encouraging them to get " well " like her.

aaauuuggghh!

June 28, 2008

Oh I wish I knew. I spend far too much of my mental energy trying to

plan and anticipate a number of upcoming conversations I must have with

her soon. Sad thing is, I already know that nothing I will say will

matter. Less is probably always better. They're just waiting for us to

get into a heated conversation so they can get their fix. Its just so

hard not to get drawn in.

June 28, 2008

HI there

Sounds like there still might be an element of you still wanting

to 'help her' ie with the recommendation of the book. Wanting to help

our mothers is understandable---- i know this ive spent a lot of time

doing it. Even when we are aware of it and that it feeds us back into

the dynamic we do it cause its a natural reaction -----they are our

mums 'or daughters i sometimes think' after all.

From what youve said and drawing on my own experiences i very much

doubt that your mother is having 'the rosey' life she is telling you

in fact id put money on it that it is anything but...

The daughters that get the 'bad projection' get just that the dark

chaotic fragmented and abusive side to the personality disorder. My

advise is to try and see what she says as objectively as you can, see

the words as illness and remember that a lot of what is said is not

truth.

I see that the control the parent tries to have over the daughter is

to do with them feeling so 'out of control'. When my mother is

around me she can not cope ----- she knows i can see her quite

clearly -- she even said i just feel like you can see inside me

always analysing me amd she is right i do-- ive had to. She cannot

cope with me having a seperate identity and control of my own. The

last time i spent with her she told me 'that i have the same evil

inside me that she has in her' ----she is so mentally unwell these

days it is terrible.

I know and understand what u mean when u say that since that first

letter she wrote u it has consumed you----- this is what happens and

its arwful because the dynamic tries to take us back to 'the young

girl. I did not have a relationship with mine for 7 years ( i was so

angry) i got back in touch 2 years ago and was so happy because it

seemed we had moved on and could finally have a bit of friendship-----

arrrrrrrrrrr so wrong. Each trip resulted in just a bit more of the

emotional abuse coming back and by the time i spent a few days with

her at christmas she was full blown borderline possibly worse than i

ever seen her. I dont feel angry anymore -- sad yes-- but not angry--

this is a mental disorder that is of the crueliest nature the closest

get the brunt and somehow the others get a facade. Non of my family

members understand even my father who is divorcing her- he sees her

as mad (but not in a -- she has a mental illness way). I always

thought id be the one to 'help' her and i am now a psychiatric nurse

the truth is i am the very worst person to help her ---- i am as she

sees me her dark side== her personality disorder. From what i have

learnt about BPD the mental state fluctuates between the neurotic and

the psychotic ie the person has mental states that are not real.

Dissasociation of the personality is also apparent ie the person has

cut off points 'disassociates from themselves' hence one thing can be

said and then a denial or minimising happens. Bi polar type mood is

also common - up and down like a rollercoaster.

Negotiating with people with this disorder can be almost impossible.

My mum called me when i was at work (she didnt care i was at work)

and did the arrrw i didnt mean it-- lets be friends roll. I couldnt

even get angry or be serious with her --- didnt get irrate (this

seems to be the worse way to be -get emotional she will just use it)

i was just like well maybe in the future maybe if we talked if im

ready maybe and if...... she couldnt handle it--- she only deals in

black and white. If i had said outright NO this would have been

advantagous for her because she would have had a clear wall to bang

against. But she just shouted 'ok yeah so you get the control do you--

why do you have to always be in control (drama) blah blah --- i need

to know now that we will speak again i cant wait. So i calmly say ---

well i need time-- you said some very strange things. And with that

she slammed the phone down and i havent heard since. But unlike your

mother i wont hear from her -