Why does EVERYTHING have to be so Hard with BPD

June 7, 2008

Warning this is a Vent.

My nada has seemed to settle on a new strategy to get under my skin.

Now, no matter what I ask her it is a monumental problem.

Had a job interview Friday for a job I really want to get, so I asked

the nada if she could look after my son. She was very excited and so

was my boy. He loves her to peices and she loves him right back.

There is no question about this. I gave her a warning a week ahead of

time that we would make plans just as soon as I found out the date

and times of the interviews. At this point she is free and clear. I

get the information and call her up and freaking suddenly there is a

hair appointment that my interview is interfering with. Many sighs,

and a great deal of grumbling over the phone ensue. I tell her that

if it is that important an event to her that I will make other

arraingements. Mind you there was no indication from her that she had

any appointments whatsoever. In fact she told me her schedule was

clear. Finally, she admits that she hasn't made the appointment yet

but she had " planned " to. She then, with great sacrifice, tells me

that she will still take my son out to the farm. OK great.

We go out for lunch when she comes to pick up my son and she proceeds

to tell me some gossip about a cousin of mine and what he is dealing

with. His wife is clearly BPD and has become violent, and he has

finally had enough and is getting a divorce. In passing I tell her

that I could reccommend some books for him to help him understand his

soon to be ex's behavior and what he needs to do to protect himself.

She says no don't get involved and I told her I wouldn't beyond

sending him the information. Then I commit the worst of all offenses

I mention one of my brother's ex-wives and the similarity in behavior

patterns, attempting to help her understand the seriousness of my

cousin's situation. OMG. She starts up with the angry silent

treatment. So when we got into the car, I leaned over and gently told

her, " If you are not interested in my opinion on the situation with

D______ and his wife, please do not bring it up. " To which she

replies in a huffy hurt voice, " I'm just trying to keep you informed

on what is going on in the family. "

So today, I call. I have been doing a great deal of followup research

on the job and am feeling pretty good. She answers, we talk a bit, I

ask her if there is anything I need to bring out in the way of

groceries or if my son needs anything from home. As the conversation

goes on she is getting more and more put out and clearly irritated.

Finally I ask her when she plans lunch. She shouts into the

phone, " Well I don't know. I haven't given it any thought. We just

finished Breakfast. " This is at 12 noon.

OOOOOOOKay. I didn't think I was asking anything out of the ordinary.

She has always been passive-agressive, but she seems to be getting

more so as she gets older. I suppose I am just going to have to hire

a babysitter in the future and not depend on her at all. I am tired

of getting shouted at and being made to feel that I am putting her

out when she is the one who SAYS she wants to help me out. Just

another game to get a reaction out of me and I am not giving in. I

have read enough posts to know that this is par for the course, but

GD it, for once I would love to be able to deal with my nada on an

adult level instead of always getting set up.

Thanks for the space.

Be strong

June 8, 2008

Hugs, . I know what you mean. I had *one* full day of non-

insane reactions with my dad the other day and it was weird, it was

like, wow, this is what it would have been like for me if I'd had a

normal parent. It's funny because he was trying so hard I could

almost feel the strain of his desire not to unload

innappropriately, project, twist things around, etc. He is so guilt

and shame-based that I think it takes a major effort on his behalf

to behave like a normal person. I am kind of in that 'not this sh*t

again' mode too after a visit from my brother and SIL last night.

SIL is doing her level best to throw digs and triangulate with my

mother and me. It's ridiculous because not only does she not work

and she hasn't since before they were married (she wasn't employed

when they met, even) but she doesn't keep house either, so my

parents really don't approve of her leeching off my brother without

giving anything in return to him. But the truth is I know her

behavior doesn't exist in a vacuum. I know there is collusion going

on with my mother behind the scenes. It always comes back to this

same place. There must be some innate human drive to be optimistic

and hope somehow they will change, or get better. I read a paragraph

on a bpd site the other day that really kind of jarred me. I keep

coming back to it as kind of a reality check, trying to get some

acceptance:

" If there is one thing I KNOW for a fact after dealing with

thousands of NonBPs, it is this: NonBPs almost always better their

lives when they set and maintain appropriate boundaries over time.

Borderlines on rare occasions get better when they admit freely that

they have a problem, they want to get better with every ounce of

their soul, they go to good therapy, they work like hell for years

on end to implement what they learned in therapy and their

significant others (if they have any) are educated about BPD and

participate in therapy themselves as well. Borderlines who do not

meet ALL of these criteria NEVER EVER get better EVER. "

http://www.bpd411.org/newhopereview.html

At first I blanched at the " never ever get better ever " . I thought,

wow, that's harsh. I'm trying to allow for the space in my head

that no matter what *I* do, it doesn't mean they will ever be

capable of being different.

June 8, 2008

Oh boy, , I hear ya. When I went back to college my mom was all

for it, and promised she would help me by watching my son if I had

classes that ran into the evening. So for a few quarters of this

year, she did...after the first couple of times the complaints

started. Then she kept " forgetting " the schedule (although it didn't

change for 6 months), so I wrote it down. Then she lost it. So I

had to call her each time. Then she worried aloud in front of my

son " what if some day I have a heart attack or something and I can't

pick him up, what will he do? " So I arranged for another mom at the

bus stop to show my son where she lives and said he could go there

and call if grandma didn't show up. Except then my son starts

panicking whenever grandma is even 10 seconds late, thinking she

died. It just went on and on, culminating with the night she took my

son out of town with her without my permission and didn't get him

home until 11pm on a school night. The next time she allowed my

sister to take him without my knowledge, after I'd made it clear she

wasn't allowed around him. Soooo...she no longer watches my son.

If I were you, I would find someone else to take care of your son.

The fact is, she's unstable, and will probably not respect your

wishes for your son's care, will complain a lot about how hard it all

is, and will use the opportunity of seeing you every time you drop

off/pick up your son to add drama and stress to your life. It is SO

MUCH less stressful to find an actual daycare or a reliable friend to

watch your child. It may cost more, which stinks, but the emotional

cost of constantly dealing with your nada is far worse.

>

> Warning this is a Vent.

>

> My nada has seemed to settle on a new strategy to get under my

skin.

> Now, no matter what I ask her it is a monumental problem.

>

> Had a job interview Friday for a job I really want to get, so I

asked

> the nada if she could look after my son. She was very excited and

so

> was my boy. He loves her to peices and she loves him right back.

> There is no question about this. I gave her a warning a week ahead

of

> time that we would make plans just as soon as I found out the date

> and times of the interviews. At this point she is free and clear. I

> get the information and call her up and freaking suddenly there is

a

> hair appointment that my interview is interfering with. Many sighs,

> and a great deal of grumbling over the phone ensue. I tell her that

> if it is that important an event to her that I will make other

> arraingements. Mind you there was no indication from her that she

had

> any appointments whatsoever. In fact she told me her schedule was

> clear. Finally, she admits that she hasn't made the appointment yet

> but she had " planned " to. She then, with great sacrifice, tells me

> that she will still take my son out to the farm. OK great.

>

> We go out for lunch when she comes to pick up my son and she

proceeds

> to tell me some gossip about a cousin of mine and what he is

dealing

> with. His wife is clearly BPD and has become violent, and he has

> finally had enough and is getting a divorce. In passing I tell her

> that I could reccommend some books for him to help him understand

his

> soon to be ex's behavior and what he needs to do to protect

himself.

> She says no don't get involved and I told her I wouldn't beyond

> sending him the information. Then I commit the worst of all

offenses

> I mention one of my brother's ex-wives and the similarity in

behavior

> patterns, attempting to help her understand the seriousness of my

> cousin's situation. OMG. She starts up with the angry silent

> treatment. So when we got into the car, I leaned over and gently

told

> her, " If you are not interested in my opinion on the situation with

> D______ and his wife, please do not bring it up. " To which she

> replies in a huffy hurt voice, " I'm just trying to keep you

informed

> on what is going on in the family. "

>

> So today, I call. I have been doing a great deal of followup

research

> on the job and am feeling pretty good. She answers, we talk a bit,

I

> ask her if there is anything I need to bring out in the way of

> groceries or if my son needs anything from home. As the

conversation

> goes on she is getting more and more put out and clearly irritated.

> Finally I ask her when she plans lunch. She shouts into the

> phone, " Well I don't know. I haven't given it any thought. We just

> finished Breakfast. " This is at 12 noon.

>

> OOOOOOOKay. I didn't think I was asking anything out of the

ordinary.

> She has always been passive-agressive, but she seems to be getting

> more so as she gets older. I suppose I am just going to have to

hire

> a babysitter in the future and not depend on her at all. I am tired

> of getting shouted at and being made to feel that I am putting her

> out when she is the one who SAYS she wants to help me out. Just

> another game to get a reaction out of me and I am not giving in. I

> have read enough posts to know that this is par for the course, but

> GD it, for once I would love to be able to deal with my nada on an

> adult level instead of always getting set up.

>

> Thanks for the space.

> Be strong

>

June 10, 2008

It was a grrrrr moment and now I am back on course.

Still this stuff comes right out of the blue and slaps you right in the head to

remind you what you are dealing with.

Thanks for the kind words.

Re: Why does EVERYTHING have to be so Hard with BPD

Your vent reminds me that we are all human and no one is impervious to

the stress of dealing with BPD. Your last sentence reminds me of

something I read-- people with BPD are stuck in a childlike phase of

emotional development and don't actually have the skills to have a

normal, healthy adult relationship with you. Instead, they make up

their own rules and have the kind of relationship with you that works

for them. I know you know this, but I just wanted to agree with you

that it sucks. You will figure out ways to shift the balance more in

your favor-- even if that means counting on your nada for less.

> for once I would love to be able to deal with my nada on an

> adult level instead of always getting set up.

>

> Thanks for the space.

> Be strong

>

June 11, 2008

I dont have children of my own, however reading this post reminded me of when my

borderline mother in an honest moment years ago expressed to me that " whilst she

hadnt

always been a good mother, that she would be a great grandmother " .

Im wondering if you guys had similar expressions from your nada's?

I always thought that would be the case and she would make a great grandmother

(and I

suppose its still possible), but having learned about BPD and reading about

experiences

like the one below - it seems to me very likely that her 'borderline behaviours'

will come

out no matter what her role is in life. Furthermore, if indeed borderlines have

coping

mechanisms akin to that of children... id be bloody worried about leaving my

child alone

with someone who has the mental capacity of a child?

And now I really think about it, her enthusiasm for me to have children (she

rang me at

work one day this year and asked me when i was having kids - Im not even married

or

ready for kids yet!!) is more about her needing to feel good about herself and

fulfilled in at

least one role in her life, than about me and my (future) child!!!

Any thoughts?

>

> Warning this is a Vent.

>

> My nada has seemed to settle on a new strategy to get under my skin.

> Now, no matter what I ask her it is a monumental problem.

>

> Had a job interview Friday for a job I really want to get, so I asked

> the nada if she could look after my son. She was very excited and so

> was my boy. He loves her to peices and she loves him right back.

> There is no question about this. I gave her a warning a week ahead of

> time that we would make plans just as soon as I found out the date

> and times of the interviews. At this point she is free and clear. I

> get the information and call her up and freaking suddenly there is a

> hair appointment that my interview is interfering with. Many sighs,

> and a great deal of grumbling over the phone ensue. I tell her that

> if it is that important an event to her that I will make other

> arraingements. Mind you there was no indication from her that she had

> any appointments whatsoever. In fact she told me her schedule was

> clear. Finally, she admits that she hasn't made the appointment yet

> but she had " planned " to. She then, with great sacrifice, tells me

> that she will still take my son out to the farm. OK great.

>

> We go out for lunch when she comes to pick up my son and she proceeds

> to tell me some gossip about a cousin of mine and what he is dealing

> with. His wife is clearly BPD and has become violent, and he has

> finally had enough and is getting a divorce. In passing I tell her

> that I could reccommend some books for him to help him understand his

> soon to be ex's behavior and what he needs to do to protect himself.

> She says no don't get involved and I told her I wouldn't beyond

> sending him the information. Then I commit the worst of all offenses

> I mention one of my brother's ex-wives and the similarity in behavior

> patterns, attempting to help her understand the seriousness of my

> cousin's situation. OMG. She starts up with the angry silent

> treatment. So when we got into the car, I leaned over and gently told

> her, " If you are not interested in my opinion on the situation with

> D______ and his wife, please do not bring it up. " To which she

> replies in a huffy hurt voice, " I'm just trying to keep you informed

> on what is going on in the family. "

>

> So today, I call. I have been doing a great deal of followup research

> on the job and am feeling pretty good. She answers, we talk a bit, I

> ask her if there is anything I need to bring out in the way of

> groceries or if my son needs anything from home. As the conversation

> goes on she is getting more and more put out and clearly irritated.

> Finally I ask her when she plans lunch. She shouts into the

> phone, " Well I don't know. I haven't given it any thought. We just

> finished Breakfast. " This is at 12 noon.

>

> OOOOOOOKay. I didn't think I was asking anything out of the ordinary.

> She has always been passive-agressive, but she seems to be getting

> more so as she gets older. I suppose I am just going to have to hire

> a babysitter in the future and not depend on her at all. I am tired

> of getting shouted at and being made to feel that I am putting her

> out when she is the one who SAYS she wants to help me out. Just

> another game to get a reaction out of me and I am not giving in. I

> have read enough posts to know that this is par for the course, but

> GD it, for once I would love to be able to deal with my nada on an

> adult level instead of always getting set up.

>

> Thanks for the space.

> Be strong

>

June 11, 2008

My mom would never say that, because she thinks she's mom of the

year...heck, she thinks she's mom of the century. She believes she

had no faults, if she ever did anything wrong it was only because I

did something to deserve it. She also thinks she's a great grandma.

I know she loves the grandkids, but she doesn't treat them any

differently in general than she did me and my sister. When we were

little, she was a great fun mom. Neurotic and overly protective, but

loving, affectionate, and fun. She's the same way with the grandkids

when they're little. As soon as they are about 10 though, it reverts

to the same as it did for me and my sister. My oldest niece (14 1/2)

is her " good friend " and " confidant. " There is no grandmotherly

stuff there, in my opinion. My other niece (10 1/2) has been

the " me " of the family for many years...she was a cranky baby and my

sister and mom have never forgiven her for it. She's not a friend or

confidant...she's the " pesky one. " My son (11 1/2) is the one who

can do no wrong generally. I think it's because he's male, and we

don't have other boys in the family. He could get away with murder,

but at the same time he is a " confidant " to her, which drives me nuts

as I want my kid to be a KID. His grandma is not his " friend, " for

crying out loud!

Anyway...I don't think BPs are any more capable of being good

grandparents than they are of being good parents. I think they

believe they should hold a cherished place in a child's life

as " grandma " or " grandpa " without actually doing anything to earn

it. I also think that they believe they have the right to control

the parenting their grandchildren receive. I may just be saying this

from my experience, but I've seen a few examples on here that seem to

coincide. Grandkids are there to validate the BP grandparents, just

further extentions of them, just as we are in their minds. JMO!

> >

> > Warning this is a Vent.

> >

> > My nada has seemed to settle on a new strategy to get under my

skin.

> > Now, no matter what I ask her it is a monumental problem.

> >

> > Had a job interview Friday for a job I really want to get, so I

asked

> > the nada if she could look after my son. She was very excited and

so

> > was my boy. He loves her to peices and she loves him right back.

> > There is no question about this. I gave her a warning a week

ahead of

> > time that we would make plans just as soon as I found out the

date

> > and times of the interviews. At this point she is free and clear.

I

> > get the information and call her up and freaking suddenly there

is a

> > hair appointment that my interview is interfering with. Many

sighs,

> > and a great deal of grumbling over the phone ensue. I tell her

that

> > if it is that important an event to her that I will make other

> > arraingements. Mind you there was no indication from her that she

had

> > any appointments whatsoever. In fact she told me her schedule was

> > clear. Finally, she admits that she hasn't made the appointment

yet

> > but she had " planned " to. She then, with great sacrifice, tells

me

> > that she will still take my son out to the farm. OK great.

> >

> > We go out for lunch when she comes to pick up my son and she

proceeds

> > to tell me some gossip about a cousin of mine and what he is

dealing

> > with. His wife is clearly BPD and has become violent, and he has

> > finally had enough and is getting a divorce. In passing I tell

her

> > that I could reccommend some books for him to help him understand

his

> > soon to be ex's behavior and what he needs to do to protect

himself.

> > She says no don't get involved and I told her I wouldn't beyond

> > sending him the information. Then I commit the worst of all

offenses

> > I mention one of my brother's ex-wives and the similarity in

behavior

> > patterns, attempting to help her understand the seriousness of my

> > cousin's situation. OMG. She starts up with the angry silent

> > treatment. So when we got into the car, I leaned over and gently

told

> > her, " If you are not interested in my opinion on the situation

with

> > D______ and his wife, please do not bring it up. " To which she

> > replies in a huffy hurt voice, " I'm just trying to keep you

informed

> > on what is going on in the family. "

> >

> > So today, I call. I have been doing a great deal of followup

research

> > on the job and am feeling pretty good. She answers, we talk a

bit, I

> > ask her if there is anything I need to bring out in the way of

> > groceries or if my son needs anything from home. As the

conversation

> > goes on she is getting more and more put out and clearly

irritated.

> > Finally I ask her when she plans lunch. She shouts into the

> > phone, " Well I don't know. I haven't given it any thought. We

just

> > finished Breakfast. " This is at 12 noon.

> >

> > OOOOOOOKay. I didn't think I was asking anything out of the

ordinary.

> > She has always been passive-agressive, but she seems to be

getting

> > more so as she gets older. I suppose I am just going to have to

hire

> > a babysitter in the future and not depend on her at all. I am

tired

> > of getting shouted at and being made to feel that I am putting

her

> > out when she is the one who SAYS she wants to help me out. Just

> > another game to get a reaction out of me and I am not giving in.

I

> > have read enough posts to know that this is par for the course,

but

> > GD it, for once I would love to be able to deal with my nada on

an

> > adult level instead of always getting set up.

> >

> > Thanks for the space.

> > Be strong

> >

>

June 19, 2008

Oddly enough I think highly functioning BPDs have the capability to be terrific

grandparents. My reasoning is that they are already at a mental equivalent to

have a complete understand of the child. They love the attention they get from

the child and they have LIMITED exposure to the child. Unfortunately, I know

that when my child gets to a certain age the same deplorable behaviors she

evidenced with me will pop out with him. I am not looking forward to when he

turns twelve. But I control when he sees Grandma and I also watch them like a

hawk so that if she slips, and she has, I can call her on it in a manner my fada

never did.

We are currently redefining our relationship and we are doing it on my terms.