Re: Validation

[Guest guest]

Well -- first of all -- she can't dictate to you that you can't tell

your husband about your grandmother's surgery (is that what she is

trying to forbid you to tell him?)

Also -- I would consider canceling the trip. Your mother's already

worked up and agitated. Plus, the prospect of possibly losing a

parent can sometimes send the BPD into a tailspin. And you would be

the natural target, should she need to " offload " some of that

anxiety.

I did something similar to what you're considering -- My mother

called and poured on the waterworks on the phone about her mother's

health. Told me she was dying....So I hopped a plane out there and

as soon as my uncle picked me up, he said " Grandma is looking good --

I think she's going to be fine. " (She lived several more years).

But the part I didn't enjoy was that I didn't like being around my

mother when she was so agitated. She alternated between bullying

people, throwing her weight around with the nurses -- Once I

witnessed her trying to intimidate the doctor into just " being

honest " with her and flat out telling her that her mother was

dying. ( " C'mon now -- let's get real " --- the doctor just stared at

her. Grandma's diagnostics were great -- everything was strong.

She was coming out of that episode, and my mother wanted more drama.)

Anyway -- my point is, I didn't like being in that situation with

her. Hopefully your grandmother will be OK, but in the hospital the

two of you wouldn't get to have a quality visit anyway. Maybe you

can schedule something with her later.

Just my 2 cents' worth -- Hospital visits are very arduous,

exceedingly boring. No comfortable seating, everybody just staring

at each other, and the patient needs to rest anyway.

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

,

I don't know if I can be objective, but here is my advice. Be very careful. My

Nada lives in

Fl with 94 yr old grandma. Grandma fell was in the hopsital and rehab for a

month, they

thought it was the end, I offered to come down, but Nada is a martyr and said

no, I should

take care of myself.

I have not been shy about how her emotional turmoil affects my emotional and

physical

health, little did I know it was a big fat trap, she wanted me to come down when

she

wanted me there, not when I wanted to make sure Grandma was ok.

Anyway, as most of our Nada's are mine is enemies with most of the family and

she was

keeping my grandma being hurt and sick very quiet.

One of my cousins is her enemy, she knows I speak to this cousin, I was even

stupid

enough to ask permission to continue the relationship after their fall out

Well I thought it would be a pretty big lie of ommission if while talking to

this cousin I

didn't tell her our grandmother was in the hospital.

When Nada found out that someone told " them " , she never thought it was me, so

when

she bitching and moaning about it, I fessed up.

World War whatever, I needed to ask her permission. I am also 32 yrs. old and

don't feel

the need to ask my mother permission.

Sorry this is getting long, but here is the point --

don't let your mother tell you what you can and can't discuss with your husband,

that is

your decision, she doesn't like tough. He is not an outsider, he is your

husband.

I wouldn't go, and I would tell any friend, not to go visit with their mother.

How far is Florida from you, could you go for a long weekend, and visit your

grandmother

with your husband, when you mother isn't there?

I know it is hard to make these decisions, but here are a couple of hard ones I

have made

in the last couple of months,

I want to visit my grandma, but Nada has her living with her (and my grandmas

nurse) in a

2 bedroom apt.

I am not in a financial position to afford a vacation right now, and I decided

the only way I

cold go down there was to stay in hotel and rent a car.

I was ordered by my Nada to come visit in January -- I said no.

When the time comes, I am not automatically jumping on a plane for Grandma's

funeral

(this is important for me b/c I am jewish and it tends to happen very fast)

My mother has alienatied herself from the whole family

and she follows the pattern that Kyla describes, death makes her head spin,

I know my grandma loves me and she know I love her so I just hope she can

forgive me if I

decide not to attend her funeral.

I do also suspect that BPD is passed down, or learned so to speak. While my

grandma is

now a sweet 94 yr old, I suspect she is the original wizard of oz.

She raised 3 undiagnosed BPD/NPD daughters, who in turn raised BPD daughters and

NPD

sons, as well as drug addicts. In this case, I think hereditary and learned

are kinda the

same.

Good Luck with your decision!

L

>

> Dear Group,

>

> I can't tell you how helpful it is to read all of your stories. While

> at the same time it is sad to hear all the problems people are having,

> it does help to see that our loved ones we are concerned about all

> share the same tendencies.

>

> The most confusing part about BP is that the person who has it, isn't

> mean all the time. I've been reading the book and I understand that

> it comes in cycles. The book suggests that we look for what triggers

> the cycles. I definitely agree that Weddings or Engagements trigger

> outbursts, probably because of the BP's fear of abandonment.

>

> I am wondering if the BP disorder is a learned trait that is passed

> down through the generations. I am suggesting this because I notice

> that my mother complains about the same issues that I see my mother

> doing to me. I would think that it would be completely understandable

> if it was. You grow up thinking this behavior is normal. I have been

> married for 7 months and I find myself asking my husband- is it ok to

> be upset with her because..... "

>

> I am not looking forward to the coming weekend. My suspected BP

> mother told me that my grandmother was ill in Florida and needed to

> have surgery. I offered to go down to visit at the same time my

> mother was visiting to be a kind of support. I know my mom's feelings

> can get hurt really easily or distorted " a common tendency of the BP. "

> She was very enthusiastic about the idea. We agreed that we would

> stay in a hotel nearby and visit with them the rest of the time. I

> think it is a good idea to have an outlet for space. I bought the

> ticket before talking to my school principal. I am a teacher, so I am

> not supposed to take time off except for sickness during the school

> year. I saw him Monday morning, explained the circumstances, and told

> him I was going. He said ok. I know my school is not very thrilled

> with me right now. The next day, she called me after it was too late

> to change the ticket and asks me, " Do you think it is a good idea that

> you come? " I told her, " I'm coming. "

> Planning this trip has been " not so good. " I have already bought the

> ticket and she can't make up her mind if she wants me to come or not.

> I don't think she understands that I am 32 and I might like to see my

> 80'sh grandmother. She acts as if I still need permission.

>

> Last night she called me, all upset about some " unasked for advice "

> another family member had given about caring for my grandparents for

> visiting. Next thing, she is telling me she isn't sure I should

> come,that my visit could cause more stress (how... I don't know), that

> my relatives think it is inappropriate that I go. She is also

> changing her idea about where to stay- now she wants to stay with

> them. I think this is a mistake.

>

> What really got me upset is that she changed from being upset with my

> Aunt, to questioning whether I should come, to telling me that I

> shouldn't tell my husband anything. She told me that he is an

> outsider and if she finds out that I confide in him about the family

> business, I will be cut off. (Secretly I thought, " What a relief!)

> She then accused me of allowing my husband to listen in on the

> conversation, which wasn't happening. I found myself lying to her,

> saying that my husband was at the neighbor's.

>

> I find myself in a kind of quicksand. Should I just cancel? I do not

> want to be accused of causing trouble down there, or going down for a

> goody good time. I don't care about the money.

>

> I need some objective advice.

>

> Thank you!

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

I am a 32 year old teacher too, and what I learned about our job

while pregnant is that you have to take a day when you have to take a

day. Sometimes it's convenient with the school schedule and sometimes

it's not. But you are living your life while also being a teacher,

and I think it is important to keep it in that order. I had a BPD

principal (lucky me) who did not see it in the same order, but the

teachers around me watched me have one close call after another as a

pregnant teacher and reminded me that I am a mother and wife who

teaches, not a teacher who has a family at home. Hopefully this will

help you, too, with the guilt of having a sub come. There are subs

for a reason! And the kids love the change every now and then!

Now, back to the trip. What I have found works best is to not make

plans WITH a BP mother. Period. Whenever I decide to make plans

with her (and she is high-functioning), I treat it as a gamble.

Sometimes she'll be fine, sometimes she will go nutso and I leave.

If at all possible, call grandma. Ask her how she is feeling, etc.

Gauge it for yourself, talk to a nurse, cousin, whoever is with her.

If you feel like you should really be there, go. But choose your own

hotel and stay alone. Do not plan to sleep in the same place as your

mother. You are taking a trip to FL to see your grandma. Your mother

is taking a trip to FL to see her mom. You may happen to meet up at

the hospital, but that's where she is least likely to cause a scene.

Plan to keep at least one person between you and your mother at all

times (even if it's grandma in the bed - stand on opposite sides!).

This is what I do in important situations and it works really well.

She is too far away to do subtle torture on you and (hopefully) in

too public a place to cause a disturbance.

I hope this take on the situation helps!

Cheryl

>

> Dear Group,

>

> I can't tell you how helpful it is to read all of your stories.

While

> at the same time it is sad to hear all the problems people are

having,

> it does help to see that our loved ones we are concerned about all

> share the same tendencies.

>

> The most confusing part about BP is that the person who has it,

isn't

> mean all the time. I've been reading the book and I understand that

> it comes in cycles. The book suggests that we look for what

triggers

> the cycles. I definitely agree that Weddings or Engagements trigger

> outbursts, probably because of the BP's fear of abandonment.

>

> I am wondering if the BP disorder is a learned trait that is passed

> down through the generations. I am suggesting this because I notice

> that my mother complains about the same issues that I see my mother

> doing to me. I would think that it would be completely

understandable

> if it was. You grow up thinking this behavior is normal. I have

been

> married for 7 months and I find myself asking my husband- is it ok

to

> be upset with her because..... "

>

> I am not looking forward to the coming weekend. My suspected BP

> mother told me that my grandmother was ill in Florida and needed to

> have surgery. I offered to go down to visit at the same time my

> mother was visiting to be a kind of support. I know my mom's

feelings

> can get hurt really easily or distorted " a common tendency of the

BP. "

> She was very enthusiastic about the idea. We agreed that we would

> stay in a hotel nearby and visit with them the rest of the time. I

> think it is a good idea to have an outlet for space. I bought the

> ticket before talking to my school principal. I am a teacher, so I

am

> not supposed to take time off except for sickness during the school

> year. I saw him Monday morning, explained the circumstances, and

told

> him I was going. He said ok. I know my school is not very thrilled

> with me right now. The next day, she called me after it was too

late

> to change the ticket and asks me, " Do you think it is a good idea

that

> you come? " I told her, " I'm coming. "

> Planning this trip has been " not so good. " I have already bought

the

> ticket and she can't make up her mind if she wants me to come or

not.

> I don't think she understands that I am 32 and I might like to see

my

> 80'sh grandmother. She acts as if I still need permission.

>

> Last night she called me, all upset about some " unasked for advice "

> another family member had given about caring for my grandparents for

> visiting. Next thing, she is telling me she isn't sure I should

> come,that my visit could cause more stress (how... I don't know),

that

> my relatives think it is inappropriate that I go. She is also

> changing her idea about where to stay- now she wants to stay with

> them. I think this is a mistake.

>

> What really got me upset is that she changed from being upset with

my

> Aunt, to questioning whether I should come, to telling me that I

> shouldn't tell my husband anything. She told me that he is an

> outsider and if she finds out that I confide in him about the family

> business, I will be cut off. (Secretly I thought, " What a relief!)

> She then accused me of allowing my husband to listen in on the

> conversation, which wasn't happening. I found myself lying to her,

> saying that my husband was at the neighbor's.

>

> I find myself in a kind of quicksand. Should I just cancel? I do

not

> want to be accused of causing trouble down there, or going down for

a

> goody good time. I don't care about the money.

>

> I need some objective advice.

>

> Thank you!

>

>

>