Re: confrontation letter to BPD, It worked for me

[Guest guest]

I have decided

> that I am going to tell my mom via email that I believe that she has

> BPD and I want her to get help.

>

> Has anyone else ever done this with their BPD parent? Any tips on how

> I might word this?

Hi a, sorry for the delayed reply. I have a different response from most

about this

topic, although I do agree you should have support, preferably a therapist,

before you

send your letter. I sent a letter, probably 4 years ago now. My dad died 6

years ago and

nada had a bp meltdown. I knew she was weird, (Dad in his hospital bed looked

at me one

day while she was sitting at the end of the bed saying something evil about

someone, and

said that he didn't know when she got so mean. She just smiled.), but I didn't

know she

was mentally ill. I was in denial most of my life, and I'm 51 now.

Anyway, I was in therapy for about a year, trying to deal with serious boundary

issues. My

nada slept with my 15 year old boyfriends, took me to NYC with her and put me in

a hotel

while she got an abortion when I was 16, drank and smoked pot with me, etc...

and I took

care of her and made sure she didn't get hurt as best as I could. She hoped to

continue

the relationship of my teen years when dad died, and it made me physically sick.

So I

wrote a letter, with the help of my T, stating what I had seen and done with her

for so

many years, and how it had hurt me so much growing up. I put myself in my 16

year old

self's place when I wrote it, and it was very painful. Then I mailed it. She

was extremely

angry and hurt, and didn't speak to me for quite some time. Then she tried to

make

excuses, and apologize a little, for what had happened. I told her I was trying

to put it

behind me and didn't want to speak of it again. Things were strained for

awhile, but I felt,

and still feel, a million times better for having said it. I had to get it off

my chest, and

place it in her lap, where it needed to be, before I could start to let go of

the guilt for

acting the way I did as a kid and see that it was her responsibility to be the

parent, not

mine. I didn't do anything wrong, but I didn't know that till I was way into

middle age!

That's the nada fog working!

She's still a pain. She and my 40 year old brother are alone, no friends. She

asked if she

could bring his birthday cake over last week, and we celebrate together. And

would I pick

up ice cream? I said yes, and we gave him a gift, etc... (He was diagnosed

bipolar but is

now schizophrenic and much like nada) When she came over and I pulled out the

choc.

chip cookie dough ice cream that my daughter had picked out, she looked

stricken. " It

has chocolate in it??? " She just stood there and stared at me like I had pulled

the head off

her puppy. Too much chocolate gives her migraines, and I am well aware of that.

But she

eats it in small quantities anyway. So I said it's just tiny choc. chips, and

she said she'd

just take a napkin and spit them all out!!! I would have apologized for that

years ago, but

now it just pissed me off, so I handed her a napkin and went in the other room.

I didn't

talk to her for a week after that, and finally she called and said " Why haven't

I heard from

you? Did I offend you or something? " I just said that I had been busy. There

was no point

in explaining that her 70 year old behavior was like that of a 5 year old,

because she just

wouldn't see it. Besides, I believe she knows she was being a witch.

Everyone on this board has a thousand stories of stupid behavior and comments

from

their nadas, and we all have to figure out what we are and aren't willing to

tolerate.

My best coping mechanisms are changing the subject; she is soooo easily

diverted,

especially when the subject is her, and tuning her out. I also have a sock doll

I made that

resembles her, and sometimes I jump up and down on it and bang it against the

wall. It

looks and feels so silly that I usually end up laughing!

So if you decide to send the letter, be sure you have someone to strengthen your

resolve

when the firestorm hits, because it will. But it may be the most cathartic

thing you could

do. Good luck and keep us posted.

Gail

[Guest guest]

Gail,

I LOVE the sock doll idea!! Im going to have to make one! ahahahaha

>

> I also have a sock doll I made that

> resembles her, and sometimes I jump up and down on it and bang it

against the wall. It

> looks and feels so silly that I usually end up laughing!

>

> Gail

>

[Guest guest]

Hind sight being 20/20. I would have not used e-mail as the mode of

communication for

the so called confrontation with Nada.

Snail mail seems a better way to go.

Although I wasn't trying to change her behavior, just set down some boundaries,

and express

why I was so hurt and in turn Low Contact, it was very dissapointing to have her

send me an

e-mail back, using my own words to try and defend herself, when I was so

deliberatly trying

not to attack!

[Guest guest]

What a great point! Thanks, Sharma! I can use that one!

-Kyla