Validation

[Guest guest]

Dear Group,

I can't tell you how helpful it is to read all of your stories. While

at the same time it is sad to hear all the problems people are having,

it does help to see that our loved ones we are concerned about all

share the same tendencies.

The most confusing part about BP is that the person who has it, isn't

mean all the time. I've been reading the book and I understand that

it comes in cycles. The book suggests that we look for what triggers

the cycles. I definitely agree that Weddings or Engagements trigger

outbursts, probably because of the BP's fear of abandonment.

I am wondering if the BP disorder is a learned trait that is passed

down through the generations. I am suggesting this because I notice

that my mother complains about the same issues that I see my mother

doing to me. I would think that it would be completely understandable

if it was. You grow up thinking this behavior is normal. I have been

married for 7 months and I find myself asking my husband- is it ok to

be upset with her because..... "

I am not looking forward to the coming weekend. My suspected BP

mother told me that my grandmother was ill in Florida and needed to

have surgery. I offered to go down to visit at the same time my

mother was visiting to be a kind of support. I know my mom's feelings

can get hurt really easily or distorted " a common tendency of the BP. "

She was very enthusiastic about the idea. We agreed that we would

stay in a hotel nearby and visit with them the rest of the time. I

think it is a good idea to have an outlet for space. I bought the

ticket before talking to my school principal. I am a teacher, so I am

not supposed to take time off except for sickness during the school

year. I saw him Monday morning, explained the circumstances, and told

him I was going. He said ok. I know my school is not very thrilled

with me right now. The next day, she called me after it was too late

to change the ticket and asks me, " Do you think it is a good idea that

you come? " I told her, " I'm coming. "

Planning this trip has been " not so good. " I have already bought the

ticket and she can't make up her mind if she wants me to come or not.

I don't think she understands that I am 32 and I might like to see my

80'sh grandmother. She acts as if I still need permission.

Last night she called me, all upset about some " unasked for advice "

another family member had given about caring for my grandparents for

visiting. Next thing, she is telling me she isn't sure I should

come,that my visit could cause more stress (how... I don't know), that

my relatives think it is inappropriate that I go. She is also

changing her idea about where to stay- now she wants to stay with

them. I think this is a mistake.

What really got me upset is that she changed from being upset with my

Aunt, to questioning whether I should come, to telling me that I

shouldn't tell my husband anything. She told me that he is an

outsider and if she finds out that I confide in him about the family

business, I will be cut off. (Secretly I thought, " What a relief!)

She then accused me of allowing my husband to listen in on the

conversation, which wasn't happening. I found myself lying to her,

saying that my husband was at the neighbor's.

I find myself in a kind of quicksand. Should I just cancel? I do not

want to be accused of causing trouble down there, or going down for a

goody good time. I don't care about the money.

I need some objective advice.

Thank you!