Re: I can't believe this. My NADA sent me this awful email.

[Guest guest]

Unless I'm reading this incorrectly, she just offered you an NC. I

say take it and run. You don't deserve this kind of crap. There

was nothing AT ALL provocative about your response. Clearly she is

someone who can't be trusted to respond to anything without tearing

you to shreds.

>

> " sara,

> i just got done reading your note you sent me. im glad you

had

> such a great birthday this year. GOD bless you.

> as with MY family in norristown, however, you have not even

met

> her, or anyone there...and i think they can do without your so

> called heart felt feelings that you have expressed. seems you do

> not know the difinition of family. dont be fake sara. iit is not

> becoming for you. i do not know you anymore. and neither does the

> rest of the family. as long as you feel the way you do, dont try

to

> pretend to care. your prayers mean nothing to me as long as you

are

> acting the way you are. i would appreciate no more letters..or

any

> kind of contact until you are back to being yourself. that may

or

> may not happen. dont know. good luck to you...as you will need

it

> as long as you are being the way you are. "

>

> Did you see how she said " GOD bless you. " ? That was a sarcastic

> remark from her.

> Telling me that my prayers don't mean anythinig to her? And where

> the hell does she get off by telling me not to send her letters or

> anything, when she is the one sending stupid birthday cards and a

> fake silver bracelet?

> I really need some responses on this one. I tried to be NEUTRAL in

> that note I sent her. How could she have turned it into so MUCH

> drama? This just killed me today.

> ~Sara Jo

>

[Guest guest]

She was probably sitting at home thinking about how you'd run back in tears and

let her hoover you back in. Then she'd be able to suck you dry meeting all her

needs. I bet she saw your short, neutral note, knew you wouldn't running back

begging for forgiveness and it made her furious. That's all I'd read into it: a

temper tantrum because she didn't get what she wanted.

Even so, what an awful response! I'm sorry she sent that and that you have to

deal with it.

Jae

Re: I can't believe this. My NADA sent me this

awful email.

Unless I'm reading this incorrectly, she just offered you an NC. I

say take it and run. You don't deserve this kind of crap. There

was nothing AT ALL provocative about your response. Clearly she is

someone who can't be trusted to respond to anything without tearing

you to shreds.

>

> " sara,

> i just got done reading your note you sent me. im glad you

had

> such a great birthday this year. GOD bless you.

> as with MY family in norristown, however, you have not even

met

> her, or anyone there...and i think they can do without your so

> called heart felt feelings that you have expressed. seems you do

> not know the difinition of family. dont be fake sara. iit is not

> becoming for you. i do not know you anymore. and neither does the

> rest of the family. as long as you feel the way you do, dont try

to

> pretend to care. your prayers mean nothing to me as long as you

are

> acting the way you are. i would appreciate no more letters..or

any

> kind of contact until you are back to being yourself. that may

or

> may not happen. dont know. good luck to you...as you will need

it

> as long as you are being the way you are. "

>

> Did you see how she said " GOD bless you. " ? That was a sarcastic

> remark from her.

> Telling me that my prayers don't mean anythinig to her? And where

> the hell does she get off by telling me not to send her letters or

> anything, when she is the one sending stupid birthday cards and a

> fake silver bracelet?

> I really need some responses on this one. I tried to be NEUTRAL in

> that note I sent her. How could she have turned it into so MUCH

> drama? This just killed me today.

> ~Sara Jo

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

Looking for last minute shopping deals?

Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.

http://tools.search.yahoo.com/newsearch/category.php?category=shopping

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I have gotten Many notes like this from my Mom in my life. I am sorry

she wrote that to you. One thing I noticed is how she dismissed your

prayers. That is something my Mom does. I am not a very religious

person, but I am pretty sure that you do not need your Mom's

permission to pray for anyone. It seems like she thinks it is her

decision whether or not you care about you extended family. I agree

with Jae that it sounds like a temper tantrum.

Take care

> >

> > " sara,

> > i just got done reading your note you sent me. im glad you

> had

> > such a great birthday this year. GOD bless you.

> > as with MY family in norristown, however, you have not even

> met

> > her, or anyone there...and i think they can do without your so

> > called heart felt feelings that you have expressed. seems you do

> > not know the difinition of family. dont be fake sara. iit is not

> > becoming for you. i do not know you anymore. and neither does the

> > rest of the family. as long as you feel the way you do, dont try

> to

> > pretend to care. your prayers mean nothing to me as long as you

> are

> > acting the way you are. i would appreciate no more letters..or

> any

> > kind of contact until you are back to being yourself. that may

> or

> > may not happen. dont know. good luck to you...as you will need

> it

> > as long as you are being the way you are. "

> >

> > Did you see how she said " GOD bless you. " ? That was a sarcastic

> > remark from her.

> > Telling me that my prayers don't mean anythinig to her? And where

> > the hell does she get off by telling me not to send her letters or

> > anything, when she is the one sending stupid birthday cards and a

> > fake silver bracelet?

> > I really need some responses on this one. I tried to be NEUTRAL in

> > that note I sent her. How could she have turned it into so MUCH

> > drama? This just killed me today.

> > ~Sara Jo

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

________________________________________________________________________________\

____

> Looking for last minute shopping deals?

> Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.

http://tools.search.yahoo.com/newsearch/category.php?category=shopping

>

>

[Guest guest]

---

Sara Jo,

Her response is so typically BPD. Please try not to let it hurt

your feelings so much. I know how you feel. When I get one of

these (which I used to call " hate mail " ), or have an argument with

Nada, I feel emotionally like you feel when you've touched an

electric fence. OUCH. They really know how to whammo you. I think

she sent the bracelet as a way to entice you to contact her, so she

could then slam you and suggest NC. It's all so childish. All she

can do is project onto you as bad, b/c you're not pleasing her, not

falling in line. A typical " change-back " message. She says she

doesn't know you anymore...sadly, she probably never did and never

will b/c these people don't appreciate " us " , their children. Please

try to do something nice for yourself and remember that this is the

temper tantrum of a child, typed by an adult.

Joanna

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " Sara Jo "

wrote:

>

> So I posted yesterday how I wrote my mom a short note

acknowledging

> my birthday present/card. This is what I wrote to her:

>

> " Dear mom,

>

> I recieved the present and the card. I had a great birthday this

> year. I hope you are doing well and that the new year is treating

> you well.

> I heard about what happened to our family up in PA (There was a

> fire) and they have been in my thoughts in prayers. Take care,

Love

> Sara JO "

>

>

> Today NADA sent me an email. This is what she wrote:

>

> " sara,

> i just got done reading your note you sent me. im glad you

had

> such a great birthday this year. GOD bless you.

> as with MY family in norristown, however, you have not even

met

> her, or anyone there...and i think they can do without your so

> called heart felt feelings that you have expressed. seems you do

> not know the difinition of family. dont be fake sara. iit is not

> becoming for you. i do not know you anymore. and neither does the

> rest of the family. as long as you feel the way you do, dont try

to

> pretend to care. your prayers mean nothing to me as long as you

are

> acting the way you are. i would appreciate no more letters..or

any

> kind of contact until you are back to being yourself. that may

or

> may not happen. dont know. good luck to you...as you will need

it

> as long as you are being the way you are. "

>

> Did you see how she said " GOD bless you. " ? That was a sarcastic

> remark from her.

> Telling me that my prayers don't mean anythinig to her? And where

> the hell does she get off by telling me not to send her letters or

> anything, when she is the one sending stupid birthday cards and a

> fake silver bracelet?

> I really need some responses on this one. I tried to be NEUTRAL in

> that note I sent her. How could she have turned it into so MUCH

> drama? This just killed me today.

> ~Sara Jo

>

[Guest guest]

Joanna,

Thank you for your response. And thank everyone else for their input.

Getting that email did sting me...but not as bad as it would have

before I went NC.

I just don't see how she can call herself a mother after saying that

crap to me.

~Sara Jo

> >

> > " sara,

> > i just got done reading your note you sent me. im glad you

> had

> > such a great birthday this year. GOD bless you.

> > as with MY family in norristown, however, you have not even

> met

> > her, or anyone there...and i think they can do without your so

> > called heart felt feelings that you have expressed. seems you do

> > not know the difinition of family. dont be fake sara. iit is

not

> > becoming for you. i do not know you anymore. and neither does

the

> > rest of the family. as long as you feel the way you do, dont try

> to

> > pretend to care. your prayers mean nothing to me as long as you

> are

> > acting the way you are. i would appreciate no more letters..or

> any

> > kind of contact until you are back to being yourself. that may

> or

> > may not happen. dont know. good luck to you...as you will need

> it

> > as long as you are being the way you are. "

> >

> > Did you see how she said " GOD bless you. " ? That was a sarcastic

> > remark from her.

> > Telling me that my prayers don't mean anythinig to her? And where

> > the hell does she get off by telling me not to send her letters

or

> > anything, when she is the one sending stupid birthday cards and a

> > fake silver bracelet?

> > I really need some responses on this one. I tried to be NEUTRAL

in

> > that note I sent her. How could she have turned it into so MUCH

> > drama? This just killed me today.

> > ~Sara Jo

> >

>

[Guest guest]

wrote:

>

> Unless I'm reading this incorrectly, she just offered you an NC. I

> say take it and run.

My thoughts exactly!

" Neutral " was worth a try. Keep it in your arsenal. But you don't

deserve the kind of response you got from her. You were polite; she

was cruel. I'd say enjoy the peace and quiet of not having to hear

from her for a while.

Of course, she has BPD, so she will probably forget that she told you

to leave her alone and come up with some new drama to drag you back

in. (In fact, that's what she's trying to do right now. She wants

you to respond so she can beat up on you some more, because she's

tired of beating up on herself and wants you there to sponge up all

her emotional mess.) If--I mean, WHEN--she attacks you again, set

some boundaries with her. " Mom, I am not for talking to that way. I

will not respond when you treat me like that, " etc. I'll bet you a

dollar that if you don't contact her right away, she will be the one

to try to contact you again. Who out there wants to guess how long

it will take? A week? A month? Any takers?

PS. Somebody mentioned their nada attacking their prayer life or

something. I used to want to do international missions (I still

think about it but am not in a position to seriously consider it

right now.) When I was in high school, I rolled my eyes or talked

back or something, and my mother said, " And YOU want to be a

CHRISTIAN missionary! " It really stung.

[Guest guest]

Well -- it didn't take long for her to turn on you, did it? And she

keeps dragging out that old chestnut " the rest of the family hates

you! " .....

This is proof that sending you that birthday present wasn't just to

wish you a happy birthday -- it was meant to manipulate you to

respond, most likely so she could ram her agenda again. Ny father

has done the same thing to me many times in the past. Uses a

friendly show of affection as a lure to tell me what he REALLY wants

to tell me.

Sorry it hurt your feelings, but you realize that your mother does

not want an honest dialogue with you. She wants to be the dictator

and you the underling. I know it's difficult to do, but I would

absolutely IGNORE it. Don't reward it with an answer. It's just

BPD noise -- a temper tantrum because she didn't get her way.

She's absolutely refusing to deal with you on YOUR terms -- and

instead wants to go back to where she's queen bee and calling ALL

the shots in the relationship. That doesn't show ANY respect for

you. She's having an emotional meltdown -- it really has nothing to

do with you, and has everything to do with her considering her needs

only, and not yours.

Again, I'd let her big, fat screamer just land with a thud. Respond

with a deafening silence.

Big hugs -- stand firm in this Sara Jo. Think of this in terms of

just one turn in a marathon. She's the hare, you're the tortoise --

slow and steady, keep looking toward the long term. It's helped

other posters here to see their BPD mothers as children -- because

that's really what they are.

Keep being true to yourself, and just handle these one thing at a

time. Keep putting one positive foot in front of the other and

acting in a way that shows you will not tolerate disrespect, and

maintains your integrity. Don't stoop to her level.

This is just another childish bid for attention, and as a parent I

can tell you that when a child acts like this, you DON'T reward it

with what they want. Like paying a blackmailer, it just makes it

worse in the long run.

-Kyla

[Guest guest]

I agree -- she's hoping Sara Jo will dissolve into tears. Another

manipulation --

Yes! Take her at her word and go NC! My dad did the same thing to

me, so I merely honored his wishes! Then he was REALLY in a

pickle! He was hoping I'd be so upset by his nasty letter that I'd

ignore his order not to contact him anymore, and come running home.

When I didn't, I'm sure he thought " Uh oh. Now what do I do? "

Neutral is definitely a good policy -- makes Sara Jo look like a

class act, and just throws nada's tantrums and wild behavior into

sharp relief.

I say ignore her -- and have fun planning your wedding.

-Kyla

> >

> > Unless I'm reading this incorrectly, she just offered you an

NC. I

> > say take it and run.

>

> My thoughts exactly!

>

> " Neutral " was worth a try. Keep it in your arsenal. But you

don't

> deserve the kind of response you got from her. You were polite;

she

> was cruel. I'd say enjoy the peace and quiet of not having to

hear

> from her for a while.

>

> Of course, she has BPD, so she will probably forget that she told

you

> to leave her alone and come up with some new drama to drag you

back

> in. (In fact, that's what she's trying to do right now. She

wants

> you to respond so she can beat up on you some more, because she's

> tired of beating up on herself and wants you there to sponge up

all

> her emotional mess.) If--I mean, WHEN--she attacks you again, set

> some boundaries with her. " Mom, I am not for talking to that

way. I

> will not respond when you treat me like that, " etc. I'll bet you

a

> dollar that if you don't contact her right away, she will be the

one

> to try to contact you again. Who out there wants to guess how

long

> it will take? A week? A month? Any takers?

>

>

>

> PS. Somebody mentioned their nada attacking their prayer life or

> something. I used to want to do international missions (I still

> think about it but am not in a position to seriously consider it

> right now.) When I was in high school, I rolled my eyes or talked

> back or something, and my mother said, " And YOU want to be a

> CHRISTIAN missionary! " It really stung.

>

[Guest guest]

Sara Jo-

Yep, I used to this kind of stuff all the time from my BPD mom, dad,

and bro.

Just wanted to agree with folks who tell you to grab the NC and run.

But that doesn't mean you have to cut yourself off from everyone. I

made that mistake and lost the other relatives for a long time, only

now starting to rebuild.

It's not " her " family. She doesn't own them. It your family, too.

Your note was lovely, and doubtless far more than she deserved. Best

of luck to you.

Letty

>

> Well -- it didn't take long for her to turn on you, did it? And she

> keeps dragging out that old chestnut " the rest of the family hates

> you! " .....

>

> This is proof that sending you that birthday present wasn't just to

> wish you a happy birthday -- it was meant to manipulate you to

> respond, most likely so she could ram her agenda again. Ny father

> has done the same thing to me many times in the past. Uses a

> friendly show of affection as a lure to tell me what he REALLY wants

> to tell me.

>

> Sorry it hurt your feelings, but you realize that your mother does

> not want an honest dialogue with you. She wants to be the dictator

> and you the underling. I know it's difficult to do, but I would

> absolutely IGNORE it. Don't reward it with an answer. It's just

> BPD noise -- a temper tantrum because she didn't get her way.

>

> She's absolutely refusing to deal with you on YOUR terms -- and

> instead wants to go back to where she's queen bee and calling ALL

> the shots in the relationship. That doesn't show ANY respect for

> you. She's having an emotional meltdown -- it really has nothing to

> do with you, and has everything to do with her considering her needs

> only, and not yours.

>

> Again, I'd let her big, fat screamer just land with a thud. Respond

> with a deafening silence.

>

> Big hugs -- stand firm in this Sara Jo. Think of this in terms of

> just one turn in a marathon. She's the hare, you're the tortoise --

> slow and steady, keep looking toward the long term. It's helped

> other posters here to see their BPD mothers as children -- because

> that's really what they are.

>

> Keep being true to yourself, and just handle these one thing at a

> time. Keep putting one positive foot in front of the other and

> acting in a way that shows you will not tolerate disrespect, and

> maintains your integrity. Don't stoop to her level.

>

> This is just another childish bid for attention, and as a parent I

> can tell you that when a child acts like this, you DON'T reward it

> with what they want. Like paying a blackmailer, it just makes it

> worse in the long run.

>

> -Kyla

>

[Guest guest]

sounds like she's trying to abandon you before you can " abandon " her.

she knows you will go nc so she is beating you to the punch

>

> " sara,

> i just got done reading your note you sent me. im glad you

had

> such a great birthday this year. GOD bless you.

> as with MY family in norristown, however, you have not even met

> her, or anyone there...and i think they can do without your so

> called heart felt feelings that you have expressed. seems you do

> not know the difinition of family. dont be fake sara. iit is not

> becoming for you. i do not know you anymore. and neither does the

> rest of the family. as long as you feel the way you do, dont try

to

> pretend to care. your prayers mean nothing to me as long as you

are

> acting the way you are. i would appreciate no more letters..or any

> kind of contact until you are back to being yourself. that may or

> may not happen. dont know. good luck to you...as you will need it

> as long as you are being the way you are. "

>

> Did you see how she said " GOD bless you. " ? That was a sarcastic

> remark from her.

> Telling me that my prayers don't mean anythinig to her? And where

> the hell does she get off by telling me not to send her letters or

> anything, when she is the one sending stupid birthday cards and a

> fake silver bracelet?

> I really need some responses on this one. I tried to be NEUTRAL in

> that note I sent her. How could she have turned it into so MUCH

> drama? This just killed me today.

> ~Sara Jo

>

[Guest guest]

Yes! Very good point! My mother does that ALL THE TIME. She

started in when my kids were little, she started saying " I don't

look forward to when they're older and don't want to go to Grammy's

house anymore... " I knew what she was doing: She was laying the

groundwork to reject THEM before they could reject HER! And I

guarantee you, they wouldn't have rejected her -- they LOVE her!

Now that they're 12 and 13, sure enough, she NEVER calls to check on

them or invite them over or to do something with her (my inlaws do

ALL of that and more), and THEY miss HER. My kids are really good

people and she is cheating herself out of time with them. And, as I

correctly figured out, she was working on her rejection strategy

YEARS AGO. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

-Kyla

>

> sounds like she's trying to abandon you before you can " abandon "

her.

> she knows you will go nc so she is beating you to the punch

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sara,

She is really baiting you with her letter. This is to be expected.

You are treating her differently (hence she doesn't know you any

more), and she is desperately trying to get you back to where she

had you before. That is the core of her message - How dare you go

off and be yourself! And it is totally awful and mean the way she

discredits your statements. Who is she to tell you that you are

fake? She really doesn't know you at all, does she? She just knows

that in the past, accusing you in this way got you to come around

and apologize, and she is doing what she knows has worked in the

past.

Although you were neutral, it will take many, many, many more

neutral interactions of this type for her to finally 'get' that you

are not going to respond as you used to. And even then, she may

still have episodes where she throws the FOG out at you. I have

been NC for four years, and for the first 2.5 of those, nada tried

to make some kind of contact every 4 - 6 months. In that time,

there was only one year where she didn't try to contact me in some

way.

When she says, GOD bless you, I am reading into this " because I

won't " . And then she goes on to say your prayers mean nothing to

her (as if she were God!). Well, it is okay that they mean nothing

to her - they weren't for her, and they weren't sent to her, and I

am sure that they mean something to God!

If nothing else, remember that you are dealing with an emotional

child here. And as the adult that you are - you don't owe any child

an explanation or a defense. Continue behaving in an adult manner,

your emotionally childish mother will eventually figure out that you

are not going to play her game any more.

She won't like it, Sara Jo, and she may still throw other criticisms

your way, but you are seeing all of this in a different light now.

Since you are hurting, it is time to self-parent yourself. Tell

that little girl inside of you that you are protecting her now, and

that she doesn't have to listen to the mean words of nada - that you

know she is a wonderful and caring girl, and that you love her very

much.

Be kind and gentle to yourself - and keep protecting yourself,

Sylvia

>

> " sara,

> i just got done reading your note you sent me. im glad you

had

> such a great birthday this year. GOD bless you.

> as with MY family in norristown, however, you have not even

met

> her, or anyone there...and i think they can do without your so

> called heart felt feelings that you have expressed. seems you do

> not know the difinition of family. dont be fake sara. iit is not

> becoming for you. i do not know you anymore. and neither does the

> rest of the family. as long as you feel the way you do, dont try

to

> pretend to care. your prayers mean nothing to me as long as you

are

> acting the way you are. i would appreciate no more letters..or

any

> kind of contact until you are back to being yourself. that may

or

> may not happen. dont know. good luck to you...as you will need

it

> as long as you are being the way you are. "

>

> Did you see how she said " GOD bless you. " ? That was a sarcastic

> remark from her.

> Telling me that my prayers don't mean anythinig to her? And where

> the hell does she get off by telling me not to send her letters or

> anything, when she is the one sending stupid birthday cards and a

> fake silver bracelet?

> I really need some responses on this one. I tried to be NEUTRAL in

> that note I sent her. How could she have turned it into so MUCH

> drama? This just killed me today.

> ~Sara Jo

>

[Guest guest]

the email your mom sent is completely unacceptable. i'm an atheist,

but when people say they are praying for me, i would NEVER throw it

back in their faces or scoff at their beliefs. i take it as a sign

that they really care about me and want everything to turn out well.

if i were you, i'd never have anything to do with this woman again.

bink

>

> " sara,

> i just got done reading your note you sent me. im glad you

had

> such a great birthday this year. GOD bless you.

> as with MY family in norristown, however, you have not even met

> her, or anyone there...and i think they can do without your so

> called heart felt feelings that you have expressed. seems you do

> not know the difinition of family. dont be fake sara. iit is not

> becoming for you. i do not know you anymore. and neither does the

> rest of the family. as long as you feel the way you do, dont try

to

> pretend to care. your prayers mean nothing to me as long as you

are

> acting the way you are. i would appreciate no more letters..or any

> kind of contact until you are back to being yourself. that may or

> may not happen. dont know. good luck to you...as you will need it

> as long as you are being the way you are. "

>

> Did you see how she said " GOD bless you. " ? That was a sarcastic

> remark from her.

> Telling me that my prayers don't mean anythinig to her? And where

> the hell does she get off by telling me not to send her letters or

> anything, when she is the one sending stupid birthday cards and a

> fake silver bracelet?

> I really need some responses on this one. I tried to be NEUTRAL in

> that note I sent her. How could she have turned it into so MUCH

> drama? This just killed me today.

> ~Sara Jo

>